Dating after significant weight loss

steeheart · July 2015

So i've lost 57 pounds in about a year, and I'm feeling and looking great. I started at 205, and now I'm at 148. I dont have many stretch marks or sagging skin, and can't really tell I was ever overweight. I met someone a little over a month ago, and we've been dating. I haven't told him about my weight loss. But even within the past month I've lost 5 pounds or so, and he noticed. He said, "it looks like youve lost weight since we met." I just said, "oh? yeah maybe a few pounds." and changed the subject. I'm a little nervous for when an old picture of me will surface, or we run into friends/family and they mention how much weight I've lost. I'm so proud of myself for losing so much weight, but theres also a sense of embarrassment that comes along with it. I don't want him to look at me differently, or worry that I'm going to gain it back. Obviously I want to be with someone who accepts me for who I am, which includes my past. I know that he'll be accepting of it, and if not, then it wasnt meant to be.

I would just like to hear maybe some advice, or tips for how you've dealt with similar situations. I dont want to be embarassed of my past! But i am! I'm also not sure if i should just wait until a picture surfaces, or if i should tell him beforehand?

steeheart · July 2015

im also still losing weight, and plan to continue to lose more. 15 more pounds until i reach my goal.

Swanson83 · July 2015

I haven't ever dealt with your situation...but you look great! Good WORK!!!

swimmer88888 · July 2015

I am so proud of you!!! Your past is what brought you to where you are, so in a way it's so valuable!
I think you're right that if he cares about your starting weight then it probably wasn't meant to be. Keep that in mind.
But usually honesty works best! I wouldn't bring it up without something else prompting it, but if he mentions your weight dropping again I would say "yeah I think I probably have lost x pounds since we met. I used to weigh more than I do now and I've really focused on health in the last year. It feels good to be healthy!" Or if you see someone who hasn't seen your transformation yet and they say "you look great!" That could be a good opening to say "well last time I saw her, I weighed a bit more. I've been really focused on health this year."

I have 2 girlfriends who dated men who had recently gone thru transformative weight loss. Both of them said it was nice because the men didn't have inflated egos. Even though they were super attractive, it was nice to know that they had journeyed and maybe even struggled a bit. I think it's always nice to know that you're with someone who has vulnerabilities, and even more so if they will share them with you.

You are lovely!! Best of luck in health and love!!!

vadimknobel · July 2015

Talking as a guy, I would not care much if you lost 50 pounds before. There's nothing negative in that. it shows you are health conscious and motivated.

ScrAgnX · July 2015

If it's something that (a) you feel very proud of accomplishing and want to bring it to his attention, (b) you feel like you would like his help with going forward (or to keep you from back sliding), or (c) are anxious about keeping from him (If you feel your being dishonest I could see where it would weigh on your mind) then definitely bring it up.

If it's not something that you feel like you have to talk about or you'll implode then I wouldn't push the issue; everyone has a backstory, and being overweight in your past isn't something that (to me) falls under the must disclose category. If you're talking about weight gain/loss, or someone's appearance, and you feel comfortable working it into the conversation I would (because you should be proud of your hard work), but unless it comes up in conversation I wouldn't force it into a topic.

Congratulations on your success so far, and good luck with the next 15.

actionlily · July 2015

It takes a wonderful strength of character, determination, willpower and consistency to lose that much weight. Your weight loss isn't something to be ashamed of. It's an achievement that took time, money and effort over a whole year, like getting a grad degree! You are gorgeous inside and out, and the boyfriend will be able to see that.

steeheart · July 2015

thanks swimmer88888 for that input. everyone has vulnerabilities, and its those imperfections that make us all perfect.

FORAPURPOSE · July 2015

YOU KNOW WHAT, you look WONDERFUL you have to move on first it was to much weight and now you are worried about how some one would feel to know that you were a little more you. If he really cares about you than it should not matter what you were before. WE all have secrets if it comes up talk about it if not keep doing your thing. most of all be proud of where you are today..... You look Great I wish to be where you are. want to lose what you have lost I am 204.4.

SonyaCele · July 2015

be proud of your weight loss. i had a BF stumble across a picture of me when i was 80 lbs heavier and i was so embarrassed but he was nice about it and then told me about his large weight loss story and we never talked about it again. Your weight loss journey is part of what defines who you are today. you were beautiful in your before, and in your after. Tell him if you want, or dont if you dont want. Not every BF in our life needs to know every single detail of our past, and if they stumble across bits and pieces, it just makes for "getting to know you" conversation.

amy102875 · July 2015

Our stats are nearly the same. I started out last Nov at 204 and now am at 148, about 12 lbs. to go. I started dating someone about 2 months ago. He knows I've recently lost weight, enough that I needed a whole new wardrobe. But he hasn't really asked how much, and I haven't volunteered the information.

I don't know, it's a hard thing. A big part of me feels like that was my past, a big painful mess of life stuff that isn't me anymore. So unless it really comes up I don't feel the need to share all the details at least not any time soon. I don't want to hear all the details of his past either, lol. I don't know if that makes sense. I guess I'm kind of in the same boat though, so wanted to let you know I know how you feel!

Jruzer · July 2015

Tell him. Just don't make a big deal about it. It doesn't have to be something that defines you.

Mrs Jruzer lost 50 lbs before we met and I'm very proud of her. It's a testament to her strength of character. She's an ongoing inspiration for me.

xBabyLlamaDrama · July 2015

I get it, but ask yourself if in a few years it would matter? Just began dating a girl and we were talking about fitness; I voluntarily told her how much I had lost and she was very supportive and happy for me, and we moved on to the next subject haha.

Be proud of what you've done! If he's a keeper, he'll find it attractive in you that you can show the self discipline and drive to do that!

vanessalillian82 · July 2015

I think it depends on how much you carry the emotional baggage/feeling of being heavier around with you in an everyday sense, and how much it affects your inner dialogue and defines you today. It's probably worth telling him, if only so he understands where you're coming from and has the opportunity to be supportive when you say no to a second slice of cake or insist on a healthier meal option. But you definitely don't need to make a big deal of it. It's just another thing from your past, like the phase you went through of (say) dressing like Kurt Cobain. He'll likely be impressed by your achievement, and if he reacts poorly, well then I guess he's not a keeper!

BasicGreatGuy · July 2015

Be open and honest with the guy you are dating. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Don't start a new relationship off on the wrong foot. If he can't handle honesty, he isn't much of a man. If anything, he should be supportive and proud for you when you tell him.

Our physical body is but a part of who we are. It doesn't define all that we are.

jokamaiale · July 2015

Own it! It doesn't have to be weird. Just talk about your goals, proudest accomplishments, etc. It will tie in nicely. It is something to be proud of and shows hard work, self discipline, and determination. Don't over think it. You wouldn't care if he had lost weight. You would think it was awesome so just keep that in mind.

leeyuhsee · July 2015

Awwwww, you were adorable before, too!

VenturaCo_Grown · July 2015

You should not be embarrassed at all!! When I meet someone who tells me they have lost of ton and weight with a lifestyle change I actually have much more respect and admiration for that person. I don't know anyone that has viewed someone negatively who has done what you have done.

Liftng4Lis · July 2015

YOU lady, are awesome! You should be proud of what you've accomplished and when he finds out he should be as well. If he's not, then kick him to the curb, cuz you're hot!

MsWendyDarling · July 2015

Good job on your weight loss! I started around the same, but I'm still in the lower 170s. You should definitely be proud! You worked your butt off to be healthy! Nothing to be ashamed of. Keep up the good work!

jesslopes1995 · July 2015

You don't even look heavy in your before picture.

memickee · July 2015

Yes, I have dated after 50+ loss. I have stretch marks and sagging skin. However, I am proud of the work I have put in and have no issues sharing that with another person.

aniqa109 · July 2015

You look great! Congrats on your weight loss

chloeelizabethm · July 2015

I can perhaps offer some thoughts on the other side, my boyfriend lost around 25kg before I met him - he told me about his weight loss, about MFP etc and I still couldn't believe that he used to weigh 25kg more than the person in front of me! I found it fascinating and admirable that he managed to change so dramatically, he showed me some pictures and I was in awe, so impressed at what he had achieved.

So, try to be proud of your loss with him, not embarrassed. He won't think anything bad at all, he will just be impressed and proud. When my other half told me, it taught me a lot about him - that he's determined, ambitious, willing to do what it takes to change his life, dedicated etc. all good indicators of a personality and actually made me wonder if I could have done the same in his position.

Soopatt · July 2015

It might be helpful in the long run to explain the details, so that he has a better understanding of your relationship with food and how you are determined not to fall back into old habits. I used to go to a lot of trouble in my twenties to give people the impression that staying slim was effortless - I would skip two meals so that I could have a big dinner in front of them - but it was a really exhausting and fraudulent way to live. You probably don't play those silly games, but why not allow yourself the support and understanding that telling him will bring?

snowflakesav · July 2015

enjoy dating this person. If you can't open up and feel supported then either the guy isn't right or the time isn't right. I find that many men have a lifelong battle with their weight as well and they appreciate your support of their health.

labohn91 · July 2015

You make it sound like you were a warlord who saw their evil ways and changed.
Most guys who loss lots of weight brag about it.
I wouldn't worry unless this person is some high strung, crusader against overweight people.

oh_happy_day · July 2015

You look amazing! I think share as much as it feels comfortable. Losing weight is nothing to be ashamed of. It shows that you're determined, able to focus on long term goals and a pile of other positive characteristics. I do understand though. There are a few pictures of me from when I was at my heaviest before I met my partner which he hasn't seen. I haven't kept them from him...just haven't had a reason to show him. I was clear from the beginning that I do have issues around food and I have to work to lose/maintain my weight etc.

Bottom line: If this guy has an issue with this for whatever reason, he doesn't deserve you.

steeheart · July 2015

Thanks everyone for the support! Yes of course I know he won't judge me negatively for it. I've decided to just wait until it comes up naturally. It's not something that I'm burning to talk about. And I'm actually not struggling to stick to my healthy eating habits. He's a super healthy eater, so he's definitely not forcing pizza down my throat. Haha. It's funny all the things you don't realize will happen when you lose a lot of weight. Having to tell someone I used to be obese was definitely not something I ever considered!

Bukawww · July 2015

If anything, it makes you more attractive. Most of us here know what it takes in character, strength, and sheer will and commitment to lose 50 pounds...if any of those character traits are on his deal breaker list, he wouldn't be so attractive himself lol.

steeheart · July 2015

Update! So I still haven't mentioned my weight loss. But HE told me that HE used to be "heavy" years ago, and would eat a bunch of icecream every night. Haha! Not sure how overweight he was before, but makes me feel more comfortable for when it does come up.

Dating after significant weight loss

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