Dating and romance questions

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dhampir_princess
dhampir_princess Posts: 71 Member
edited July 2015 in Motivation and Support
I am 25 and I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I've also been single my entire life. Like never even had a single first date, let alone kiss or anything else. No flirting or chatting. Nothing. Zero experience.

Some of that has to do with the fact I'm shy and introverted and it's difficult, verging on impossible for me to open up to people I don't know already. But some of it has definitely been because of poor self esteem from being overweight (which feeds into the shyness... yay).

My question is, how do you other folks deal with dating, and being overweight, and losing weight? How do you deal with meeting someone who may like you for your body, that may lose interest once you change, or judge you for having been heavy once if you're now healthy and svelte?

I just... Dating is so hard and weight loss just makes it feel more confusing. Part of me wants to wait until I'm at or close to goal weight before attempting romance, but at the same time I know being skinny won't suddenly make me a proficient dater, and I feel like I'll just resent someone for dating skinny me if they wouldn't give current me the time of day... Ugh! So confusing!

Sorry for rambling. Any thoughts or advice or support or past experiences would be appreciated. v.v

Replies

  • dakotababy
    dakotababy Posts: 2,406 Member
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    This is actually something that has popped up for me, somewhat. I was 250lbs. When I met my boyfriend 6 years ago, I was 180lbs (the lowest weight I had been in years) so I felt pretty amazing when we met. I gained 70lbs in the first 2 years of meeting him...and he stuck with me. I have now lost 103lbs from my 250 and I am currently 147lbs.

    I am very committed to my boyfriend, though I have thought to myself when a guy is flirtatious with me... "I bet he would not have taken a second look if I was still 250lbs".

    It makes me really appreciate my boyfriend - the unconditional love, the support regardless of my appearance...and he is the type of guy I would stick with through it all. Unfortunately, not all guys are like him...though I am very happy I met him when I did - if I had lost all this weight, then started dating...I would be thinking "they only like me because I am fit and hot." on every date. It would make it hard to find someone unconditional about appearance.

  • bunnywestley81
    bunnywestley81 Posts: 178 Member
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    Firstly...although attraction is important, looks shouldn't be. If someone likes you they should like you for YOU, not your body. Overweight, underweight, just right...shouldn't matter (unless it is really an imminent threat to health/life)

    Trust me. I've had some horrific exs. If they want to change your appearance the problem is WITH THEM. Not with you.

    I think you should concentrate on yourself. Making you the best you that you can be. Perhaps try taking some group classes to meet people and work on social skills and improve your confidence?

    I've been with my man for over 3 years. He doesn't care if I put weight on or off or dye my hair bright pink (which i just did) or decide to wear outrageous or odd clothes....as long as i am happy. He is happy I have lost weight because I am more confident and happy.

    Someone who would ditch you for your weight is a shallow waste of time. And I'm not sure you should really be anxious about some of those things til they happen...know its hard, I'm a worrier too...the best thing I ever did was take time to work with myself, to understand myself and be generally happy with myself, once you're at peace with you, love usually pops up!!
    xx
  • Lourdesong
    Lourdesong Posts: 1,492 Member
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    What surprised me most about men when I was dating was how frightened they are of women. Though, when I was dating the men I dated were in their early 20's, so immaturity and unfamiliarity with females and dating in general could be a part of that.
    But I had assumed men would have impossible standards and be critical and dismiss me for any imperfection, especially my weight. I was amazed that, really, every man I dated seemed thrilled that a woman might be interested. And I don't think I was some great catch or anything either, and I was overweight/obese. My worst dates were with men who were so nervous and bumbling that it got in the way of having a normal conversation with them.

    I understand your concern, but I guess my experience leads me to this advice: They're more scared of you than you are them. :)
  • lacroyx
    lacroyx Posts: 5,754 Member
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    bunnywestley81 wrote: »
    Firstly...although attraction is important, looks shouldn't be. If someone likes you they should like you for YOU, not your body. Overweight, underweight, just right...shouldn't matter (unless it is really an imminent threat to health/life)

    Trust me. I've had some horrific exs. If they want to change your appearance the problem is WITH THEM. Not with you.

    I think you should concentrate on yourself. Making you the best you that you can be. Perhaps try taking some group classes to meet people and work on social skills and improve your confidence?

    I've been with my man for over 3 years. He doesn't care if I put weight on or off or dye my hair bright pink (which i just did) or decide to wear outrageous or odd clothes....as long as i am happy. He is happy I have lost weight because I am more confident and happy.

    Someone who would ditch you for your weight is a shallow waste of time. And I'm not sure you should really be anxious about some of those things til they happen...know its hard, I'm a worrier too...the best thing I ever did was take time to work with myself, to understand myself and be generally happy with myself, once you're at peace with you, love usually pops up!!
    xx

    This helped me greatly. I have not been dating for a very long time. Shy, mild introvert and fat. Going to the gym and forcing myself out there helped increase my confidence. It took a while and I recently met someone via a mutual friend. The best part is she too is active and we go out on runs and do races together now. I'm still working on losing the weight and she doesn't care about my weight and helps with encouraging me to push and better myself.
  • 999tigger
    999tigger Posts: 5,235 Member
    edited July 2015
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    Am sure theres already lots of good advice.
    1.Focus on developing yourself and being happy as well as confident. You hit the nail on the head when you idebtified your own self esteem. Its very important for you and it also comes in handy because it can influence the people you attract.

    2. If someone comes along, before you get to target then its a bonus. Theres someone for everyone. There are also plenty of shy people out there. Learning to read and understand people is a very good skill to have.

    3. People can be selfish, immature and generally not nice. If you find they are incompatible, then feel free to move on quickly to find someone who you cna be happy with and who makes you feel comfy.

    4. Would they have dated you when you were overweight when compared to slim? Does it matter? Theres a good chance many men/women would not because slim is more attractive and seen as healthier. I dont think its wrong to think that way, but you look at the whole package. Maybe rather than ruling someone out because they wouldnt have dated you when you were overweight, look at whether they are dating you just on how you look or whether they like how you look, but also who you are.

    5. Look at what people do and no just what they say. Talk is cheap.

    Situations like this are the exception.
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3156934/I-think-ve-won-jackpot-Woman-hits-cruel-online-critics-called-boyfriend-fat-ugly-sweet-tribute-thoughtful-hilarious-partner.html

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