Finding myself!

So, it’s Tuesday. That means everyone is always all about #TransformationTuesday. This usually accompanies a picture that shows them looking better now than they did in the “before” picture. Well, I’m sharing MY Transformation Tuesday, but it’s not just a physical transformation.

From what I can remember, I was about seven when I started to gain weight. I was a pretty shy and quiet kid anyway, so this didn’t help matters any. At first I didn’t really notice that I was bigger than everyone else. But then it was brought to my attention by a child who thought it was funny to call me out. As the years continued to pass, my weight continued to be a problem. I can remember being as young as ten and being happy because I lost a little weight could fit into a smaller size of clothes. But, then, puberty happened. I went from being a normal little girl one day to needing a women’s size bra the next. I remember being devastated because this just proved to me that I was more fat than any of the other girls I knew.

On almost a weekly basis I was bullied, teased, and mocked about some aspect of myself. It would be my clothes one time, my weight the next, my hair another, my glasses the next time. Looking back, I can only assume that these young kids were insecure about themselves and were just trying to make themselves feel better. I had my hair pulled. My stomach poked. I was told no boy would ever like me. I was excluded from what I thought were fun activities because I was not part of the “cool” group.

I also had people close to me make comments about my weight. Each time this happened, it was like a dagger into my soul. It was bad enough to hear it from people I just WANTED to be accepted by, but to hear it from those I loved was heartbreaking.

I withdrew into myself. I had a battle going on inside of me. I desperately wanted to be accepted by those who hurt me. I thought that if I could just be accepted by them, my life would straighten itself out. I prayed all the time for God to make me skinny and to give me straight, beautiful hair. It never happened. And, even though we got older, the ridicule and rudeness continued from the kids I was around. Of course, it wasn’t stomach poking or hair pulling any more. It was more subtle and passive-aggressive. Little comments that were spoken quietly, but meant for me to be able to hear. Through middle school and the early years of high school, I was still called fat, but it would be done in another language…because I couldn’t figure that out, right?

I had no tools to help myself. Because I lived in constant fear of mockery, I never shared myself with anyone. I had a larger than life family and I felt myself just fading into the background. Because I was a nobody. Because no one could ever possibly love me.

I spiraled into a dark depression. However, there were very few people who knew at that time. Because I wanted to be accepted and not be seen as “the freak”, I hid my depression. I smiled. I laughed. I hung out with the few friends I had. What no one knew is that, daily, I wanted to disappear. Through this time, because I was trying so hard to make everything appear to be ok, I became obsessed with how things LOOKED. Clothes could not have wrinkles. My hair had to be done. My makeup had to be on.
It was only because of the love, support, and prayers of some close friends and family that I was able to come out of the depression I was in. I was still full of pain, but I no longer felt consumed by an unseen darkness.

The last couple years of high school were like a completely different life for me. I had a good group of friends. I was involved in activities. I discovered my passion for music. However, the habits and degrading self talk that I had established for myself over the last ten years were still there. Every time I walked into a room, I felt like everyone would turn and size me up, judge me at first glance. I learned to not speak up because I didn’t want to be mocked for what I might say. I taught myself how to look just right without looking great…no need to grab attention. Image was everything.

Through this all, I was still overweight. I would lose a little, gain a little, but the weight never went away. The thing I hated the most about being fat was that I didn’t look like everyone else. I had to buy different clothes that looked like fat lady clothes. I couldn’t wear the cute tank tops like all the other 18 to 20 year olds wore. That girl’s makeup was always better than mine. That one’s legs were nicely shaped, with small calves. This other one had beautiful hair that always laid just right. Even when these girls dressed “sloppy”, they still looked cute. When I dressed “sloppy”, I looked like I was fresh from the Walmart clearance section. My life was a constant game of comparison. I hated myself, the way I looked, my lack of confidence, and how I felt.

I embarked on a weight loss journey five years ago. I wanted to look better. I wanted people to notice me for a reason OTHER than being the fat, shy one. I lost weight for OTHER people. THEY needed to see that I could be better. THEY needed to see how great I was going to look and feel bad for the way they had treated me all my life.

I lost weight. I felt good! My outside was finally starting to look how I had always wanted it to. But I had done it for all the wrong reasons. I had not dealt with any of the mental and emotional wars that still raged in my head. Long story short, I gained back all of the weight I had lost, plus another FORTY over the next three years. The depression that had been held at bay for years came creeping back.

I began to have health problems. My arms would fall asleep for 20 minutes at a time. For no reason. The fat that was accumulating around my neck was making it difficult for me to breathe. I literally sat on the couch all day long, watching my girls play, unable to play with them for long. I hated what I was doing to myself and to them.

I still cared what I looked like. I detested the clothes I had to buy. But this time, when I decided I needed to lose weight, it for ME. For MY health. I needed to stay alive. I needed to have a life, not just live. Every day that I looked in the mirror, I saw a woman I hated.

In January of this year, I decided to reclaim my life. Reclaim it from 22 years of self doubt, self hate, and constant fear of failure. After a few weeks of success with weight loss, I began to literally see myself differently in the mirror. Sure, there was some physical change that was starting to happen, but I noticed my eyes. I looked happier. And I wasn’t just LOOKING happier; I was actually FEELING happier.

This time, I’m not losing weight to prove anything to anyone. I am losing weight because I love myself. I am worth a life. My girls deserve to have a mommy who is engaged in life, not just watching it pass by.

Now, please believe me, I still cringe when I post my after workout selfies from the morning, before I’ve put any makeup on. I hear the words that were cruelly spoken to me, as a child, telling me that I’m ugly and fat. I wonder how I can be an inspiration to ANYONE, considering I am still overweight. But, that’s when I press the “Post” button. Because this is my journey. I am not yet where I need to be, but I am taking control of my life. I am facing the self loathing I have carried with me since I was 7 years old. I am singing loud that I am a beautiful creation of my Heavenly Father’s so that I can drown out the memory of the bullies’ voices. I am still shy. I still have curly hair. I still wear makeup 95% of the time. But I am a work in progress. I am conquering the years of hatred and fear by changing how I live my life.

The reason I am sharing this is because I know I am not the only one who has dealt with any of these issues. My heart’s desire is to show women (and men) that they don’t HAVE to continue with the negative feelings about themselves. They are worth more than the icky words that have been spoken over them. This life is meant to be full of joy and hope, not darkness and hatred. THAT is why I share this. THAT is why I am striving to help others.

I am loving the me that I am discovering.