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Mean Girls
CJisinShape
Posts: 1,404 Member
"What torture we inflict upon ourselves. If we don’t whip ourselves into loathing, then mean girls, hidden like trolls under every one of life’s bridges, will do it for us."
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/08/09/fashion/im-too-old-for-this.html?referrer=&_r=0
I met a mean girl the other day. I gave her a compliment, and she spent the next five minutes talking down to me from her tall horse.
I chalked it up to projection. SHE feels that way, therefore, I must feel that way. But I don't. I have self-esteem, because I have other criteria besides the external with which I view myself.
The mean girl, was 50 years old.
My question is, are mean girls, or women, suffering and lashing out, or really just think they are superior and therefore have an excuse to verbal vomit over those they've deemed less than?
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/08/09/fashion/im-too-old-for-this.html?referrer=&_r=0
I met a mean girl the other day. I gave her a compliment, and she spent the next five minutes talking down to me from her tall horse.
I chalked it up to projection. SHE feels that way, therefore, I must feel that way. But I don't. I have self-esteem, because I have other criteria besides the external with which I view myself.
The mean girl, was 50 years old.
My question is, are mean girls, or women, suffering and lashing out, or really just think they are superior and therefore have an excuse to verbal vomit over those they've deemed less than?
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Replies
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That is a pretty general question...I think each person who is "mean" became that way due to their own personal environment/life experiences/etc...also, your perception of "mean" may be different than someone else's.0
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Aren't we all capable of having mean girl moments? We all have bad days and lash out sometimes without even meaning to.0
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CJisinShape wrote: »
Then my question is, why did it bother you so much that you felt the need to create a thread about it?0 -
Perhaps it was your compliment that spurred the reaction! What were you complimenting her on?
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Neversettle78 wrote: »That is a pretty general question...I think each person who is "mean" became that way due to their own personal environment/life experiences/etc...also, your perception of "mean" may be different than someone else's.
Maybe OP is just sensitive? Maybe 50 year old "mean girl" was having a hard day. Maybe "mean girl's" coffee hadn't kicked in. Mabyee OP reminded "mean girl" of someone that caused her pain/discontent. Like I said, quit judging.
Interesting, since I did say I "chalked it up to projection."
If I mentioned the conversation we had, you would clearly see SHE was judging ME.
But I'm asking a more general question - mean girls - the kind who regularly speaks in put down language, or bully's other kids for their fashion, fat, nerdiness, etc., what's their deal? Should they be pitied, ignored, or retorted?
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She may have taken you as a smart *kitten* instead of complimentary... always think from the others point of view0
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Neversettle78 wrote: »CJisinShape wrote: »
Then my question is, why did it bother you so much that you felt the need to create a thread about it?
I wasn't. It was actually an interesting thought mentioned in an article I read that I quoted above.
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CJisinShape wrote: »Neversettle78 wrote: »That is a pretty general question...I think each person who is "mean" became that way due to their own personal environment/life experiences/etc...also, your perception of "mean" may be different than someone else's.
Maybe OP is just sensitive? Maybe 50 year old "mean girl" was having a hard day. Maybe "mean girl's" coffee hadn't kicked in. Mabyee OP reminded "mean girl" of someone that caused her pain/discontent. Like I said, quit judging.
Interesting, since I did say I "chalked it up to projection."
If I mentioned the conversation we had, you would clearly see SHE was judging ME.
But I'm asking a more general question - mean girls - the kind who regularly speaks in put down language, or bully's other kids for their fashion, fat, nerdiness, etc., what's their deal? Should they be pitied, ignored, or retorted?
each situation is unique, you can't categorize every single bully experience or mean girl episode into one. There are all different reasons for people to act in certain ways. No one and no situation is the same, therefore the outcomes can't be generalized.0 -
I just thought this article was really awesome and wanted to share. The mean girl comment was not the focus of the article, but it got me to thinking about an encounter I had recently. Like the quote said, I wasn't beating myself up about myself, and here came a perfect stranger who decided she'd start in on me. The article was on the benefits of aging, particularly self-acceptance and resiliance. Since the woman was much older than me, it was odd that she couldn't accept my own self-acceptance.0
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Was religion part of this conversation? Just curious....0
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If I don't like the way someone is talking to me, I walk away, simply put.0
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heelsandlifting wrote: »If I don't like the way someone is talking to me, I walk away, simply put.
I usually punch them in the throat! Lol0 -
I believe that people just take things too personally. Any objection or disagreed response usually puts the other person on the defensive.
You have choices: engage or walk away.
What/how others are (unless they are close to me or are family) don't have a direct effect on my life or how I live it unless viewed that way.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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What was the compliment?
What was the response to the compliment that you felt was condescending?
This is really vague.0 -
I didn't read the article, I don't care to. But I did read the highlighted part and felt I could add the following - someone that I have known all 26 years on this planet was a mean girl. All through school, until she was 17 years old. Then when she was 17 a family member died. After he died it came out that she has been enduring his sexual abuse since she was a toddler. Her being a *kitten*, was her lashing out and taking that angry out on everyone around her. It was like she just looked for things to be a *kitten* about. After she died she felt free, and she's a completely different person. It's been almost 10 years and she has gotten help and is like a completely different person.
Personally, I went through a terrible time after my sons died. I lashed out at people badly. I made everyone hate me because I could not let things go. I also feel like I was just looking for things to attack people about. I ended up developing a terrible drug and alcohol problem and of course that didn't really help the situation at all. I'm currently 17 months sober but at the beginning of my sobriety I was so mean to everyone around me. Like I had to go back and delete my Facebook and make a new one because I was so ashamed to go back and look at my timeline and just see things that I posted and things that I had said to people.
Me and the girl that I know we both got over mean girl stage and now that I'm older and past that I realize there was no excuse for it but it still happened and we can't take it back.
However, I do have a mother that I would consider to be a mean girl and as much as I tried to figure out why she such a bully I can't. some people are just that way..some people are just mean. Something that I've learned with dealing with this woman is just it's all in how you react to it. it's not even about how they treat you it's just about how you react to it.
Ok that's all.0 -
By the way I'm using talk to text so decipher that anyway you want it's a little jacked up0
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Neversettle78 wrote: »Was religion part of this conversation? Just curious....
It wasn't ever mentioned.0 -
heelsandlifting wrote: »If I don't like the way someone is talking to me, I walk away, simply put.
Walking away does send a stronger statement.
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I didn't read the article, I don't care to. But I did read the highlighted part and felt I could add the following - someone that I have known all 26 years on this planet was a mean girl. All through school, until she was 17 years old. Then when she was 17 a family member died. After he died it came out that she has been enduring his sexual abuse since she was a toddler. Her being a *kitten*, was her lashing out and taking that angry out on everyone around her. It was like she just looked for things to be a *kitten* about. After she died she felt free, and she's a completely different person. It's been almost 10 years and she has gotten help and is like a completely different person.
Personally, I went through a terrible time after my sons died. I lashed out at people badly. I made everyone hate me because I could not let things go. I also feel like I was just looking for things to attack people about. I ended up developing a terrible drug and alcohol problem and of course that didn't really help the situation at all. I'm currently 17 months sober but at the beginning of my sobriety I was so mean to everyone around me. Like I had to go back and delete my Facebook and make a new one because I was so ashamed to go back and look at my timeline and just see things that I posted and things that I had said to people.
Me and the girl that I know we both got over mean girl stage and now that I'm older and past that I realize there was no excuse for it but it still happened and we can't take it back.
However, I do have a mother that I would consider to be a mean girl and as much as I tried to figure out why she such a bully I can't. some people are just that way..some people are just mean. Something that I've learned with dealing with this woman is just it's all in how you react to it. it's not even about how they treat you it's just about how you react to it.
Ok that's all.
You say, ok, that's all, but what you said was incredibly profound.
First, congratulations on your sobriety. That's a conversation in itself. Well done.
Second, bravo for bravely admitting what you did, and better, for seeing the error of your ways and overcoming it. That's huge.
Third, I wasn't mad at this woman, because I did think "this is more about her than me," but I did wonder if I should have given her a dress down. But at the time, I sensed that where she was, a dress down would only lead to more vitriol, and I thought to spare us both. You helped me to understand. Thank you.
I'm sorry about your mother, but kuddos to you for being able to find a way to love her/ manage your emotions around her.
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shrinkingletters wrote: »What was the compliment?
What was the response to the compliment that you felt was condescending?
This is really vague.shrinkingletters wrote: »What was the compliment?
What was the response to the compliment that you felt was condescending?
This is really vague.
Because it's not about her or the incident. It's about LIFE. About coming to a place of self-acceptance, then bucking up into those who want to tear down the confidence that took a lot to attain.0 -
I didn't read the article, I don't care to. But I did read the highlighted part and felt I could add the following - someone that I have known all 26 years on this planet was a mean girl. All through school, until she was 17 years old. Then when she was 17 a family member died. After he died it came out that she has been enduring his sexual abuse since she was a toddler. Her being a *kitten*, was her lashing out and taking that angry out on everyone around her. It was like she just looked for things to be a *kitten* about. After she died she felt free, and she's a completely different person. It's been almost 10 years and she has gotten help and is like a completely different person.
Personally, I went through a terrible time after my sons died. I lashed out at people badly. I made everyone hate me because I could not let things go. I also feel like I was just looking for things to attack people about. I ended up developing a terrible drug and alcohol problem and of course that didn't really help the situation at all. I'm currently 17 months sober but at the beginning of my sobriety I was so mean to everyone around me. Like I had to go back and delete my Facebook and make a new one because I was so ashamed to go back and look at my timeline and just see things that I posted and things that I had said to people.
Me and the girl that I know we both got over mean girl stage and now that I'm older and past that I realize there was no excuse for it but it still happened and we can't take it back.
However, I do have a mother that I would consider to be a mean girl and as much as I tried to figure out why she such a bully I can't. some people are just that way..some people are just mean. Something that I've learned with dealing with this woman is just it's all in how you react to it. it's not even about how they treat you it's just about how you react to it.
Ok that's all.
Wow. Congrats on your sobriety. Can I give you a hug? (And btw I'm not a hugger but you seem like an effing warrior!)0 -
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sunn_lighter wrote: »jmho but the idea of 'mean girls' is just another way of women putting each other down. There are mean people altogether, no need to add gender into the label.
And most of the time people you think are mean are having a hard time. Try turning the other cheek.
I did. Hence the "chalk it up to projecting."
I appreciate your response! and you're right about the gender - mean comes in both.0 -
I think mean PEOPLE could be projecting lashing out you never know. Most of the time when people are truly mean it is because they either want to take power/control or feel a loss of power/control. I'm terminally nice, so don't quite understand it. Just don't take it personally because everyone is dealing with his/her own *kitten* that we couldn't begin to understand.0
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sunn_lighter wrote: »jmho but the idea of 'mean girls' is just another way of women putting each other down. There are mean people altogether, no need to add gender into the label.
And most of the time people you think are mean are having a hard time. Try turning the other cheek.
I completely agree.
Also, the fact that the OP doesn't give any detail on what exactly was said by either party raises some red flags for me. I know she states it is because that isn't the point of the thread...but it is in the original post so it is fair game for discussion as it was used as an example (albeit a VERY vague one in which we were apparently all supposed to rally around her and offer condolences).
That is just my opinion as a self-appointed "mean girl".0 -
I believe that people just take things too personally. Any objection or disagreed response usually puts the other person on the defensive.
You have choices: engage or walk away.
What/how others are (unless they are close to me or are family) don't have a direct effect on my life or how I live it unless viewed that way.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Yeah! Very well!
I think this sums up your POV:
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No one knows anyone else's story, as evidenced above. Taking someone's behavior, in one moment, is a reflection of yourself, as well. Be the bigger person, and be kind, even when someone else is not.0
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as the gorgeous and incomparable great RuPaul said or his mother said to her, "what other people think of you is none of your business."0
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You are who you associate with on a regular basis. Dont surround yourself with people like her.
Life really is to short to be dealing with people who add no value to your life.
Let them take their miserable path in life . Some people will never change their ways.
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This discussion has been closed.
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