Going through a separation and trying to stay on track...

jessimacd · August 2015

I wasn't sure which forum to post this in, but I guess this one makes the most sense. Two weeks ago, my husband informed me that he's leaving, as he's no longer in love with me. It was devastating to hear those words, because we have been together for 14 years or so (married for 3), and we have been each other's "person" for so, so long. However, our marriage wasn't great; our partnership was complicated by his bipolar illness, and the subsequent changes that happened within myself (anxiety, stress, tightening the reigns of control) as I struggled to hold our marriage together through the difficult times. So, I'm hurt, confused, and angry at the changes that are going to take place in my life because of his decision. But, I know deep down that this is probably for the best, and that I have a bright future once I've managed to navigate through this whole emotional/logistical/legal process.

Lucky for me, I started to put myself first 6 or 7 months before this even happened, so I have already lost a good 35lbs up to this point, and am getting back to being my athletic, healthy self. I think I woke up this year thinking "I'm 32, and I do NOT want to still be saying all through my 30's: 'back when I was at my healthy weight, blah blah blah..."'. Maybe I somehow saw this coming, and knew I needed to get back to being "me" so I wouldn't feel as lost when I found myself alone?

So, I have already developed some of the good habits that I'll need to continue in order to take care of my physical well-being throughout this process. However, my emotional well-being has taken a hit, and as many of us know, that can weaken our resolve and cause us to eat crap because we're emotionally exhausted and too tired to prepare healthy meals, or just simply eating our sadness away.

I guess what I'm looking for are tips - from anyone who has been happily plugging away at their health/fitness journey, only to have their world changed as they know it. Of course I have the desire to look good so I can feel good about myself and (someday!) find someone who appreciates me, but the sadness and loneliness can make it hard to keep those goals in mind. I'm trying to be the type of person who uses this situation as fuel to work harder, but really... I'm not that person. And yes, I'm talking to a therapist, and have tons of support from friends and family. I'm the type of person who has my *kitten* together and am taking the steps I need to to get through this. I just don't have many people in my life currently who are working on themselves physically AND going through such a stressful life event.

Thanks to anyone who's able to offer me advice/support.

rhyolite_ · August 2015

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I went through a separation/divorce a few years ago, although I was the one to initiate and felt a lot of relief. It was still hard, though. My ED got a lot worse during that period, because it was very difficult to focus on my well-being.

Some things that helped get me back on track:

I made new friends. This was a big one for me. All of my friends before were "our" friends, and since I initiated the divorce and we were active in a church, they chose his "side" and didn't want much to do with me. Meeting new people as an adult can be hard. But you could join a gym/fitness classes, look into your local meetups, check out the community bulletin, etc. I made a group of new friends that were really vital in getting me to get back to being healthy.

I made changes. I moved to a different city and changed jobs. I also dyed my hair blonde. Be careful with this one, because you don't want to make major changes when you're depressed. But in my case, all of these choices were things I had been really wanting to do. So I finally did them. If there are things you wanted to try that your husband didn't, now might be the time to go for it.

Take the time to be a little selfish and do what's best for you right now. I know you said you're not the type of person that can use this as fuel to work harder, but my suggestion would be to try anyway. I am really proud of myself for how I got through the divorce and ED and I honestly really like the person I was/am when I came out of it all.

I don't log on this site, but feel free to add me if you'd like any extra support.

ankdworak · August 2015

I'm sorry that you are going thru this! I can't say I've experienced what you have but I am more than happy to help support you with your health/fitness journey! Feel free to add me. ankdworak

enkiemonkey · August 2015

First. Allow me to give you a virtual hug. This is very tough and I truly feel for you. I've dated someone for 1.5 years who had bipolar illness which at times manifested in psychosis. So I know just a tiny bit of what you may have had to deal with.

Second, 32 is young!! Life is just beginning and there are bright things ahead. I think posting in this forum is a good way to get support and feedback. I personally found it very helpful.

One of the ways to stay on track is to start associating feelings of loss and sadness with the need to take a walk or run. That's what I do. When I feel sad I throw on some sneakers to go for a brisk walk. Helps you clear your head and the natural endorphins you get at the end of the walk will help you feel better.

Ask your friends and family for support. Tell them your goals and give them actionable ways to help you. For example my best friend and BF helps me make healthy choices when we eat out.

Hope this helps. Hug.

jessimacd · August 2015

rhyolite_ wrote: »

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I went through a separation/divorce a few years ago, although I was the one to initiate and felt a lot of relief. It was still hard, though. My ED got a lot worse during that period, because it was very difficult to focus on my well-being.

Some things that helped get me back on track:

I made new friends. This was a big one for me. All of my friends before were "our" friends, and since I initiated the divorce and we were active in a church, they chose his "side" and didn't want much to do with me. Meeting new people as an adult can be hard. But you could join a gym/fitness classes, look into your local meetups, check out the community bulletin, etc. I made a group of new friends that were really vital in getting me to get back to being healthy.

I made changes. I moved to a different city and changed jobs. I also dyed my hair blonde. Be careful with this one, because you don't want to make major changes when you're depressed. But in my case, all of these choices were things I had been really wanting to do. So I finally did them. If there are things you wanted to try that your husband didn't, now might be the time to go for it.

Take the time to be a little selfish and do what's best for you right now. I know you said you're not the type of person that can use this as fuel to work harder, but my suggestion would be to try anyway. I am really proud of myself for how I got through the divorce and ED and I honestly really like the person I was/am when I came out of it all.

I don't log on this site, but feel free to add me if you'd like any extra support.

Thank you so much for these tips. I've booked myself in to get a tattoo a few weeks from now - I've been wanting another one for some time, but wasn't sure what to get. My artsy friend is designing it for me - likely the word "strength" with perhaps some sort of symbol. People have cautioned me that 2-3 years from now I may not want something that reminds me of my divorce, but for me it's so much more. I've needed a LOT of strength these past several years, and have navigated through things in my relationship that I think some people don't have to deal with in a lifetime. I want a reminder (for future hard times) that I can get through anything. But, as you mentioned, I need to be careful of big changes while I'm depressed.. Which is why I booked it like a month away. I'll have time to reconsider if I need to.

I will try to use this as fuel. Thanks for that encouragement. I have little bursts at my body pump class where I feel the "anger" and push harder.. So maybe that can be applied towards every workout, eventually. :-)

jessimacd · August 2015

ankdworak wrote: »

I'm sorry that you are going thru this! I can't say I've experienced what you have but I am more than happy to help support you with your health/fitness journey! Feel free to add me. ankdworak

Thank you! I will add you. :-)

jessimacd · August 2015

enkiemonkey wrote: »

First. Allow me to give you a virtual hug. This is very tough and I truly feel for you. I've dated someone for 1.5 years who had bipolar illness which at times manifested in psychosis. So I know just a tiny bit of what you may have had to deal with.

Second, 32 is young!! Life is just beginning and there are bright things ahead. I think posting in this forum is a good way to get support and feedback. I personally found it very helpful.

One of the ways to stay on track is to start associating feelings of loss and sadness with the need to take a walk or run. That's what I do. When I feel sad I throw on some sneakers to go for a brisk walk. Helps you clear your head and the natural endorphins you get at the end of the walk will help you feel better.

Ask your friends and family for support. Tell them your goals and give them actionable ways to help you. For example my best friend and BF helps me make healthy choices when we eat out.

Hope this helps. Hug.

Yes, there have been some majorly tough times for sure. My doctor told me recently (before this all happened) that the success rate for marriages in which one person has bipolar disorder is 10%. I remember thinking at the time, I won't be in that 90% of divorces... But, I guess sometimes there's only so much work you can put into something before you realize that it's not to be. It's clear that my doctor could see the toll my marriage was taking on me, before I even could.

I will definitely try to get out for a walk/run whenever I'm feeling bored/sad/lonely. That's something I need to do especially for my dog. We are going to attempt to share her, and I don't want her taking the brunt of this mess, just because I'm feeling depressed/lazy.

wearmi1 · August 2015

I went through something similar, I couldn't sleep, was restless, angry and cried a lot. I channeled my energy into my workouts, they seemed to bring me a sense of relief and a place to exert the pent up emotions and energy. It's hard, it's a day by day process but you'll get through it and reflect back that everything happens in life for a reason and the person we thought was "our" person really wasn't in hindsight. Keep your forward momentum going... and your head up. It will get better. Feel free to add me if you want

opalle · August 2015

Sorry you have to go through this. Years ago, I went through a divorce after 13 years. It was rough but so much happier today because of it. Been with my current SO for about 7 years, he was diagnosed with bipolar at the beginning of our relationship. Send me a request, I am happy to give you support.

Best advice is to continue focusing on you. Self care, self love. I think that's the biggest hurdle when being with someone with BP. We are so occupied with supporting them and helping to manage their disease our needs get left behind. It's good to see you already started. Keep it up. Not just the losing weight but everything. Treat yourself like a goddess. You deserve it and it WILL get better.

Ponkeen · August 2015

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going through a rough personal patch myself, and have struggled to stay the course and not fall back into comfort eating to make myself feel better. What other people are saying on this thread is great, helpful stuff. The only thing I would add is "fall down seven times, stand up eight."
A Bro might call that a burpee...

jessimacd · August 2015

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and support! It really means a lot. It's certainly going to take me out of my comfort zone to take care of "me" first, but I know it's super important.

Going through a separation and trying to stay on track...

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