How do you deal with unsupportive friends/family?
TheNerdyMonkey
Posts: 31 Member
My soon to be mother in law says she supports our choice to be vegan and not eat meat, but, we aren't vegan and we never stopped eating chicken and turkey. Clearly she has a hearing problem as we have said this a million times. Her and I kind of got in an argument yesterday and the way she said she respected our eating habits, made it clear that us eating healthy is an inconvenience to her. I don't know why, we don't force our lifestyle on anyone. I sometimes think she's mad because all she eats is boxed and packaged (center aisle) foods and we don't. We don't go to her house often and when we do, she is shoving her dinners down our throats. We can't go there without her asking a million times "What do you want for dinner?" She loves having us over for dinner. I am sure there is a reason why this bothers her, there has to be. But really, it pisses me off to think of someone actually being mad that you are bettering your life and health by eating healthy. How can we talk to her? Figure out what her deal is? Thank you for any help.
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Honestly? You're probably not going to change her mind about food. A lot of people associate gatherings and food, food being something that brings people together. If she asks you what you want for dinner when you go over there, give her some options and enjoy what she makes. You may have to do some adjusting to fit it into your calories for the day, but if you limit your portions, you should be ok.
Only suggestion I have is to be firm with your choices. You might also try inviting her over to your house and cooking for her. If she sees that what you're eating is fairly normal, she might back down some.0 -
You think too much. Try talking to her and leave her a sign saying you are fine eating piultry and its just red meat youve decided not to eat. If she cant respect that then ignore her or smile and passively ignore her or order in or go out and eat. I deal with difficult people all the time and if you wnat to tackle it head on , then listen but be firm and clear so it gets through and they have less wiggle room.
It sounds as though its about much more than your lifesyle choices but a bit of a power struggle. If you wnat to sort it out then do it properly or ignore, dont be cayfht in the middle stressing out and wasting energy.0 -
This is a bit of a head scratcher. I'm not sure why this is so upsetting.
Your MIL thinks you are vegan. How is that hurting you?
You visit your MIL and she asks you what you'd like for dinner. How is that hurting you?0 -
Some people just don't listen and understand. When I started my new life style 3 yrs ago, my family was on board and asked before I came over what was good for me to have. Well after about a year, except for my mom, everyone stopped caring. I just went on and made sure I brought my own food from then on. They sometimes would say "oh yeah I forgot you can't have this" I could in moderation, but I didn't want it. People don't want you to change, they have to feel like they have to eat different or accommodate your needs if they don't like it. Just stick to being you and do what is right for your family. Maybe plan to make a meal at her house and show her what good food can taste like. Get her involved and maybe? it will help???? Just explain that this is the way you chose to eat and you don't want to hurt her feelings but her style of dinner does not work for you and your family.0
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I completely understand where your coming from!!!! I've been eating healthier for about three weeks now and I live with my boyfriend at his mothers house. She is already a two-faced drama starting person that I don't like, but on top of that she orders out all the time...as soon as I decide to eat healthier and portion my food she has to start making comments about me " carrying around measuring cups". I don't understand why it's such a big deal that she has to make comments about it, we buy all our own food so it's not like I'm making things difficult for her. I just can't stand it because people like her are the reason so many of us get discouraged from trying to be healthier in the first place. So hakuna matata and keep your head up0
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Is she one of those people who act like everything that you do is somehow against her? I would just tell her you aren't eating whatever junk she wants you to, explain why again once and that is that. If she is upset you can have her over and have her eat what you eat.0
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Smile your best daughter in law smile, say "thank you so much for respecting our choices!" And then shut up. And then tell your husband to grow a pair and deal with his own mother.0
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Gotta say I cracked up pretty good at the "hearing issues" :laugh:
I don't get some things either, though. Do you prefer to not eat at all when you visit with her? How about your fiancé?0 -
I'm not sure that I understand why you are so upset.
My mother and my MIL like to have us over and always ask what we would like to eat. They are from an era where being a good host meant feeding people (and many times, this is still tradition). It's no big deal. And I always offer to bring something that I know I can eat (like a salad, or a side, or especially a dessert). Maybe next time offer to have her over for dinner, or suggest a dish that you can provide? When someone makes something that is questionable with my macros, I just pick and choose what I can eat from what is available.
About the vegan thing. I wonder if she is mixing it up with something else in her mind.0 -
I don't mean to sound unkind, but I cut ties with anybody not supportive of my goals in life.
There's no drama, but I just quietly start distancing myself.
Nature abhors a vacuum. Once I closed the door on a relationship, new, better doors opened.
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You cannot talk to her about these things. She is not going to listen. Distance yourself as much as possible.
Certainly make your husband do the talking if anyone has to talk.0 -
You don't have to eat at her house if you don't want to. Just let her know you guys will eat before visiting with her.
Understand that most people who are close to you won't care anything about your goals. It's not their concern.
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Luckily you don't live with her. On the rare occasions you do eat at her house think of something she makes that isn't too bad and ask for that. ( roast chicken or turkey?) My MIL knows my daughter had a gall bladder attack and is on a strict low fat diet until she can have it removed. I saw her put an entire stick of butter on top of the eggs when we went there for breakfast. Then she wondered why my daughter did not eat the eggs.0
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I don't share my diet and choices with unsupportive people. I change the subject. I'd humor her like a doddering old aunt. When she is playing hostess and she asks, let her know what your food likes and dislikes are and whatever she serves, eat with a smile. Tell her it's fine. It's all fine. Smile. Have a good laugh on the way home.
http://jokes.cc.com/funny-school/25160g/two-southern-ladies
She probably doesn't have any context in order to understand your food choices so she has put it in a box in her head marked "weird", which includes vegetarian. It seems the feeling is mutual.
Really, truly, the way to work with a stubborn mother in law is to work through your spouse. Make sure the two of you are on the same page and that your perspective is fiercely and consistently protected.0 -
you broke rule #1 - don't argue with your inlaws, that is for blood only
if you ignore her long enough, she will get the point.... its been about 5 years and I still have to ignore my father in law.
"THIS IS A TEXAS MEAT EATIN' HOUSE, NOT THAT GAY CALIFORNIA PLANT STUFF"
im from LA and I have yet to hear the end of it- even tho he begrudgingly admits he likes my cooking and he take 10 medications for heath related conditions....
stay strong and ignore, let your spouse scream at his/her own mom0 -
YoungIronG wrote: »you broke rule #1 - don't argue with your inlaws, that is for blood only
if you ignore her long enough, she will get the point.... its been about 5 years and I still have to ignore my father in law.
"THIS IS A TEXAS MEAT EATIN' HOUSE, NOT THAT GAY CALIFORNIA PLANT STUFF"
im from LA and I have yet to hear the end of it- even tho he begrudgingly admits he likes my cooking and he take 10 medications for heath related conditions....
stay strong and ignore, let your spouse scream at his/her own mom
This. I get along very well with my in-laws, but I also have had to defer to my husband a few times for him to talk to his mom.
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Maybe she is like my mom, who feels intimidated by "different" diets even though she wants to be supportive. She doesn't get it sometimes. For example we eat her homemade baked goods, knowing that she is a user of skim milk and Splenda/sugar blend and so on...but when she brings out a frozen aisle apple pie with 500 calories per slice and sky high sodium we usually pass, or split a piece. It doesn't make sense to her. And that's ok, really. It would be a lot to expect of her to always have our favorite foods on hand and eat exactly as we do. She's never gonna enjoy plain Greek yogurt with chopped up fruit and oats in it as much as her McDonald's yogurt parfait.
When she asks "what do you want to eat?" we usually ask her to make something we know is "innocent". We go to her place weekly for dinner and we often bring restaurant food of our choosing (which she likes everything so that works) and if she "cooks" more than 50% of the time we have large, loaded baked potatoes and my husband (who is pescetarian) brings his substitution for taco meat (TVP) and we bring a container of French onion dip we love, and leave her to the Velveeta cheese sauce and bacon pieces she prefers. We all eat broccoli on our potatoes and I'm fine with her low sodium taco meat...so everyone's happy. But if we told her "whatever you want to make" we would be eating boxed and canned food only, and a lot of things we didn't prefer to eat like Frito chili pies and boxed entrees with off the charts sodium and fat and so on.0 -
Honestly? You're probably not going to change her mind about food. A lot of people associate gatherings and food, food being something that brings people together. If she asks you what you want for dinner when you go over there, give her some options and enjoy what she makes. You may have to do some adjusting to fit it into your calories for the day, but if you limit your portions, you should be ok.
Only suggestion I have is to be firm with your choices. You might also try inviting her over to your house and cooking for her. If she sees that what you're eating is fairly normal, she might back down some.
It's not hurting us, it's hurting her for whatever reason. She seems to be getting more upset. Occasionally dropping hints that it's an inconvenience for her. It wasn't a problem the first few times, but by this point it's been over a year. We have been eating like this for more than two years. It seems like we are going to just stop accepting her dinner requests and let her know exactly why.This is a bit of a head scratcher. I'm not sure why this is so upsetting.
Your MIL thinks you are vegan. How is that hurting you?
You visit your MIL and she asks you what you'd like for dinner. How is that hurting you?
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That might work, or at least helpSome people just don't listen and understand. When I started my new life style 3 yrs ago, my family was on board and asked before I came over what was good for me to have. Well after about a year, except for my mom, everyone stopped caring. I just went on and made sure I brought my own food from then on. They sometimes would say "oh yeah I forgot you can't have this" I could in moderation, but I didn't want it. People don't want you to change, they have to feel like they have to eat different or accommodate your needs if they don't like it. Just stick to being you and do what is right for your family. Maybe plan to make a meal at her house and show her what good food can taste like. Get her involved and maybe? it will help???? Just explain that this is the way you chose to eat and you don't want to hurt her feelings but her style of dinner does not work for you and your family.
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Spot on, she doesn't bluntly act that why but makes it very obvious that she likes the control. She also makes it obvious that she doesn't approve of her son since he turned 18. She says she supported all his decisions since then like it was a problem for her. We should have her over, show her what real food looks like.Is she one of those people who act like everything that you do is somehow against her? I would just tell her you aren't eating whatever junk she wants you to, explain why again once and that is that. If she is upset you can have her over and have her eat what you eat.
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No we always eat what she serves even though it usually makes us sick afterwards because our bodies aren't used to that much fat, sodium, carbs and junk. We are slowly removing animal from our diet, we still eat turkey, chicken, seafood and cheese. We don't complain when we are there, she does. She will buy Stouffers mac and cheese and say it's health because it's not as bad as other brands -.- she keeps making rude comments that clearly show that our eating habits are an inconvenience to her.Gotta say I cracked up pretty good at the "hearing issues" :laugh:
I don't get some things either, though. Do you prefer to not eat at all when you visit with her? How about your fiancé?
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We do to, I don't feel it's mean. If people are just going to be toxic and bring you down, then they have no business being a part of your life. We cut ties from a lot of people because they couldn't leave their teens behind them, we grew up, they stayed the same. If it were up to me, we would cut ties from her. We have distanced ourselves from her a lot already, but she's working real hard at making want to hibernate away from her.Pinnacle_IAO wrote: »I don't mean to sound unkind, but I cut ties with anybody not supportive of my goals in life.
There's no drama, but I just quietly start distancing myself.
Nature abhors a vacuum. Once I closed the door on a relationship, new, better doors opened.
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YoungIronG wrote: »you broke rule #1 - don't argue with your inlaws, that is for blood only
if you ignore her long enough, she will get the point.... its been about 5 years and I still have to ignore my father in law.
"THIS IS A TEXAS MEAT EATIN' HOUSE, NOT THAT GAY CALIFORNIA PLANT STUFF"
im from LA and I have yet to hear the end of it- even tho he begrudgingly admits he likes my cooking and he take 10 medications for heath related conditions....
stay strong and ignore, let your spouse scream at his/her own mom
True that. I wont even argue with my blood relatives, I have no issues cutting ties when needed and my MIL is working hard for that.0 -
I think you are right, I think she is intimidated by something different. She think's Minute Maid juices are healthy, she has no concept of healthy and I think it bothers her. If we brought food to her house, she would get offended and it would most likely worsen the situation. Maybe we should have her over to our place and cook sometime.seltzermint555 wrote: »Maybe she is like my mom, who feels intimidated by "different" diets even though she wants to be supportive. She doesn't get it sometimes. For example we eat her homemade baked goods, knowing that she is a user of skim milk and Splenda/sugar blend and so on...but when she brings out a frozen aisle apple pie with 500 calories per slice and sky high sodium we usually pass, or split a piece. It doesn't make sense to her. And that's ok, really. It would be a lot to expect of her to always have our favorite foods on hand and eat exactly as we do. She's never gonna enjoy plain Greek yogurt with chopped up fruit and oats in it as much as her McDonald's yogurt parfait.
When she asks "what do you want to eat?" we usually ask her to make something we know is "innocent". We go to her place weekly for dinner and we often bring restaurant food of our choosing (which she likes everything so that works) and if she "cooks" more than 50% of the time we have large, loaded baked potatoes and my husband (who is pescetarian) brings his substitution for taco meat (TVP) and we bring a container of French onion dip we love, and leave her to the Velveeta cheese sauce and bacon pieces she prefers. We all eat broccoli on our potatoes and I'm fine with her low sodium taco meat...so everyone's happy. But if we told her "whatever you want to make" we would be eating boxed and canned food only, and a lot of things we didn't prefer to eat like Frito chili pies and boxed entrees with off the charts sodium and fat and so on.
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We eat healthy, she thinks Stouffers mac and cheese is healthy. We are slowly removing animals from our diet and because she has no concept of healthy she doesn't realize that "anything you can eat, I can eat vegan". Even though we aren't vegan, the point is that there is a whole world of great tasting healthy foods out there. If we brought food to her house, she would be offended and the situation would worsen unfortunately. She is leaving us with only hard choices that will piss her off either way. If we stop going, she will be pissed. If we request healthier food, she will get pissed. If we don't do or say anything, she will still get pissed. She's not being a very reasonable person.gaelicstorm26 wrote: »I'm not sure that I understand why you are so upset.
My mother and my MIL like to have us over and always ask what we would like to eat. They are from an era where being a good host meant feeding people (and many times, this is still tradition). It's no big deal. And I always offer to bring something that I know I can eat (like a salad, or a side, or especially a dessert). Maybe next time offer to have her over for dinner, or suggest a dish that you can provide? When someone makes something that is questionable with my macros, I just pick and choose what I can eat from what is available.
About the vegan thing. I wonder if she is mixing it up with something else in her mind.0 -
TheNerdyMonkey wrote: »
I think you are right, I think she is intimidated by something different. She think's Minute Maid juices are healthy, she has no concept of healthy and I think it bothers her. If we brought food to her house, she would get offended and it would most likely worsen the situation. Maybe we should have her over to our place and cook sometime.seltzermint555 wrote: »Maybe she is like my mom, who feels intimidated by "different" diets even though she wants to be supportive. She doesn't get it sometimes. For example we eat her homemade baked goods, knowing that she is a user of skim milk and Splenda/sugar blend and so on...but when she brings out a frozen aisle apple pie with 500 calories per slice and sky high sodium we usually pass, or split a piece. It doesn't make sense to her. And that's ok, really. It would be a lot to expect of her to always have our favorite foods on hand and eat exactly as we do. She's never gonna enjoy plain Greek yogurt with chopped up fruit and oats in it as much as her McDonald's yogurt parfait.
When she asks "what do you want to eat?" we usually ask her to make something we know is "innocent". We go to her place weekly for dinner and we often bring restaurant food of our choosing (which she likes everything so that works) and if she "cooks" more than 50% of the time we have large, loaded baked potatoes and my husband (who is pescetarian) brings his substitution for taco meat (TVP) and we bring a container of French onion dip we love, and leave her to the Velveeta cheese sauce and bacon pieces she prefers. We all eat broccoli on our potatoes and I'm fine with her low sodium taco meat...so everyone's happy. But if we told her "whatever you want to make" we would be eating boxed and canned food only, and a lot of things we didn't prefer to eat like Frito chili pies and boxed entrees with off the charts sodium and fat and so on.
This is probably the best route to take for now. If she sees that what you're eating is healthy and tasty, maybe she'll want to do more. I wouldn't suggest to her that she should change her diet, though. That actually could be a reason she gets upset: she may think that you're criticizing her, even if you're not, because what she taught her son wasn't good enough for him. I don't know if that's the case, but you might look for signs that's where her thoughts are leaning.0 -
Soooo you have different ideas on what's healthy and this frustrates you? (Not assuming, I'm legit asking) You could just tell her to cook whatever she wants since you don't even like what she cooks when she "inconveniences" herself to prepare what she thinks you might prefer. She's happy, but you weren't going to be happy eating her food anyway 0
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As a mom I can understand her pain and frustration. She raised your partner in what she thought was the best way she could. Mom's like to think they know best for their child. Now, you and your partner are going a new route and she's probably feeling Sad and misunderstood!
I'm sure she's also feeling a bit pushed out as all us moms do when our children move on with their lives. I'd say you might try inviting her over more tell her you have a new recipe you'd like to try and you'd really really love her opinion on it. Get her involved in your lifestyle not by force but make her feel "needed" Moms really really REALLY want to be needed in their childs life. It's going to be Ok!0 -
apeydawn423 wrote: »As a mom I can understand her pain and frustration. She raised your partner in what she thought was the best way she could. Mom's like to think they know best for their child. Now, you and your partner are going a new route and she's probably feeling Sad and misunderstood!
I'm sure she's also feeling a bit pushed out as all us moms do when our children move on with their lives. I'd say you might try inviting her over more tell her you have a new recipe you'd like to try and you'd really really love her opinion on it. Get her involved in your lifestyle not by force but make her feel "needed" Moms really really REALLY want to be needed in their childs life. It's going to be Ok!
Very good points. I just wonder if the fiancé really dislikes this woman as much as she does. And if he doesn't, it could be worth either making it work or figuring out how to give them two some quality time that doesn't necessarily involve the OP? I don't know if that's a thing with married couples
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Probably should have read some of my reply's to other commenters. I am not frustrated by her lack of health food knowledge, I couldn't care less. She is the only one causing issues. She wants us to come over for dinner all the time, and always asks us want we want and pretends to be up for anything. We usually suggest a dish she normally makes that better suits our eating habits. Then she makes comments about our diet as if it inconveniences her life. Please note, we don't go over there all the time, we go like two or three times a month when she asks. We aren't making her cook foods we eat, she is making food she normally cooks. It's not about her ability to cook, we are removing animals from our diet slowly, we don't want to eat food that contains animals for health and moral reasons. We can't invite her over because his parents are complete shut in's and don't like our apartment because we have different style than they do. We can't go out to eat because they are shut in's and don't want to go out. We can't bring food to her house because she get's offended. We can't kindly and happily suggest new foods because she get's offended. He dislikes his mothers behavior just as much as I do and like me doesn't get why she pretends to be okay but then makes nasty comments to us just being rude and disrespectful. I agree with the other commenter I think she want's to feel needed but this behavior is unacceptable, childish and really doesn't have to be this way. Instead of acting this way maybe she should try new healthy recipes then she could be the one telling us new stuff and be the "leader" again. I don't know, but I do know she is backing us into a corner with only hard choices to make none of which she will like. We can't tell her to cook whatever she want's because we aren't going to abandon our morals and put our bodies through that. The last time we ate whatever she made regardless of our diet, we both were so sick that night and the next day we had to call out of work. Our stomachs couldn't handle all the sodium and junk. We eat clean, she doesn't. I do really appreciate you responding to my thread, I appreciate everyone's comments. They helped me and my fiancé get a better look at what she may be thinking and feeling, thank you.Soooo you have different ideas on what's healthy and this frustrates you? (Not assuming, I'm legit asking) You could just tell her to cook whatever she wants since you don't even like what she cooks when she "inconveniences" herself to prepare what she thinks you might prefer. She's happy, but you weren't going to be happy eating her food anyway0
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