This has nothing to do with weightloss, I just need advice

missfitp
missfitp Posts: 33 Member
edited September 2024 in Motivation and Support
About a month ago a close friend of mine confessed to me that she was cheating on her husband, who also happens to be a close friend of my husband's and me. Her husband intercepted some text messages between her lover and her and he came to me with his suspicions. I found out about the affair after he found these texts and only because she was on desperate mode. She was not remorseful at all when she told me about it, in fact she tried to end her marriage over this guy and even after her husband found the text she kept seeing this other person. Her husband however did what I have never seen or heard of before, he began pampering her and spending money on her to keep her happy and to I guess keep her from leaving him. I know both sides of the story and the truth, something he doesn't know, which makes me feel sick to my stomach every time I see him. He wants to know, but at the same time I believe he does know and is in denial of the truth.
She still hasn't told him and according to her the affair has ended for sure. My dilemma is this, I have been friends with her since we were children and since she confessed the truth to me I feel like I'm unable to see her the same. I don't really feel like hanging out with them anymore and it's really sad because they are my son's Godparents. I just can't stand to see her attitude towards the whole situation and I can't stand to see him kissing her *kitten* to keep her happy. I see her as being two-face and I see him as being a pushover.
Am I being too judgmental towards her? Should I just let it go and hope for their best, which I do, but it kills me to see him kiss her *kitten* so much.
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Replies

  • seemichellerun
    seemichellerun Posts: 219
    If you were in his shoes, what would you want your friend(s) to do?
  • Rubie81
    Rubie81 Posts: 720 Member
    You are not being judgmental. Her attitude sounds similar to my husband's attitude, he also cheated on me and left me and my two kids just 3 weeks ago. Honestly, this man needs to know. I'd speak to her and tell her that she needs to tell her husband the truth or you (or your husband) will be forced to speak to him about it. If she is ready to work things out with her husband then she needs to be open and honest with him.
  • bethrs
    bethrs Posts: 664 Member
    If you were in his shoes, what would you want your friend(s) to do?

    This!

    And I tend to think the less involvement on my behalf in other people's bedrooms (when I'm not invited) the better- and honestly I try to keep from getting drug in as well.

    good luck, sticky situation.

    **I add that if they start asking you questions you refer them to each other, clearly they need to communicate more. If he wants to know if she cheated, he's going to have to ask her.
  • symphonika
    symphonika Posts: 107 Member
    I don't think you're being too judgemental of her. We pick our friends based on their charecteristics, and one of those is morals. After seeing that she wasn't very trustworthy or her morals weren't in check I think it would be natrual to not want to associate with someone like that.
  • OLP76
    OLP76 Posts: 768 Member
    She made her BED - She must lay in it....Just stand back and be there when everythin' should tumble...!
  • maureendonahue
    maureendonahue Posts: 468 Member
    If you were in his shoes, what would you want your friend(s) to do?

    Great advice!
  • potluck965
    potluck965 Posts: 529 Member
    My own personal opinion is to stay out of it. If you can't be friends with her anymore, don't be. Married couples have gone through much worse, but because they worked at it they overcame and made an even stronger bond.

    They don't need you interjecting anything to make things worse. Just stay away from them until they figure out what they are doing.
  • neelia
    neelia Posts: 750 Member
    Tell him! REAL friends are honest. I would want my friends to tell me!
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
    Tell her that you will not be burdened with her secret. You are going to tell her husband and you want her to know just in case she'd like to come clean first. Be there as a friend for support but otherwise.. there's nothing you can do :(
  • CorinthiaB
    CorinthiaB Posts: 488 Member
    He knows! Sometime the best thing to do is nothing. Be there to listen to him and support him whenever he decides to make a move. Based on experience most time both parties get mad at the friend and the friendship ends.
  • kimmerroze
    kimmerroze Posts: 1,330 Member
    Semmichellerun has a good point. Ask yourself that first. But secondly I would say that it is their issue to work out.. ever heard the story of the dog and the nail? well I will tell you it..

    There was this farmer, who had a old farm dog,who would lay on the porch and hollar, he laid in the same place over and over again and would hollar and hollar. well the farmers wife came out and asked him what was wrong with the dog, and he said that there was an old nail that had started working itself out of the wood but the dog was too lazy to get up and move, so he just hollars about it. the wife asked the farmer if he was going to remove the nail? and the farmer said, NAH when it bothers him enough he will get up and move.

    basically, the husband is the dog... the situation is unconfortable for him,. but not unconfortable enough for him to do anything about it,. the wife is the nail, causing him trouble. She isn't going to do anything about the pain except keep causing it. The farmer and his wife are you guys... I think it is best to just stay out of it and let them work through it themselves.
  • Jeneba
    Jeneba Posts: 699 Member
    Eeeeeewwww! Sticky!!!! I don't have any advice here except I do know what you are going through..... My sister has repeatedly cheated on her BF for years & would often come to me all upset when her "affairs" weren't working out. I felt REALLY uncomfortable and eventually told her I didn't want to know any more. Our relationship is estranged right now because of other "character" issues - I think she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't think you are being judgmental to feel badly about this - if your own values are for honesty and fidelity, you can't help not wanting to "aid and abet..." Good luck!!!
  • jmgj27
    jmgj27 Posts: 531 Member
    I understand that what she's done has offended you and that's something you need to take up with her if you feel unable to view your friendship in the same way. I personally think that when it comes to a question of morals you need to be damn sure you're not in a glass house throwing stones before you wade in there.

    As to whether her husband knows or not. Unfortunately, it's not your place to decide whether he has that knowledge or not. If it makes you too uncomfortable to see them then you need to decide whether or not you wish to carry on the relationship with both of them. I can only say that when it comes to other people and their sexual misdeeds, they must sort it out themselves. If you interfere you will only end up getting boxed in both ears. I speak from long and painful experience on this.
  • busygirl1
    busygirl1 Posts: 217
    when my ex-husband cheated on me one of the worst things for me was the thought that his best mate may have known. We had been a 4some for 10 years- me and my ex and him and his partner. They were also god-parents to our children! He denied that he knew but has not looked me in the face since and its been a year and a half even though I still see his partner and am still good friends with her. I understand that his loyalty was with his best friend (he had known my ex from school) but I think the guilt eats him up when I am around.
  • CanuckLove
    CanuckLove Posts: 673 Member
    That's a really tough situation because you are friends with both of them.. I personally would want to know. Can you talk to her and ask her WHY she is still with him?

    It's hard because I'm sure you don't want to get in the middle of it, but somehow you ARE in the middle of it. I think if it were me in your situation, I would ask her what the hell she is doing (even though she says its over) question her actions & love towards this man. Maybe something you say will make her realize she's really not in love with him and can set this poor guy free. :/
  • lindalee0315
    lindalee0315 Posts: 527 Member
    As someone who has been in this situation before--the thing that is important to remember is the only two people who really know the state of the marriage are the two who are in it. You're getting two different versions from both people, both of whom have a dog in this race: to garner your support. She's your life-long friend. You don't approve of what she's doing, but you really don't know what their marriage is like from the inside. Even best friends don't share all the details. I agree with those others who have said to stay out of it. If you feel pressured in any way, tell the person applying the pressure exactly that, you are not prepared to get involved because you care for them both and hope that they work things out in whatever way is best for both of them.
  • 1horsetown
    1horsetown Posts: 247 Member
    The big question in my mind.....did she cheat because her husband wasn't treating her right or is she just a selfish little *****?

    If it's the first one, then the situation is mending itself. Whether or not you stay friends is up to you.

    If it's the second reason, then ditch her and walk away. Your husband can decide if he wants to continue his friendship with the other spouse.

    Some people are friends for a lifetime. Others only for a season.
  • jodibelle
    jodibelle Posts: 79 Member
    I have been the one being cheated on - and I am thankful that I had friends who threatened to tell me - it was the kick in the pants he needed to finally be straight with me. I can see both sides of it and can understand why some people say stay out of it. But for me having someone care enough about me to get me out of my delusional place of believing his lies and to motivate him to come clean was what we needed in our situation. The people that I know helped cover up his lies or didn't want to tell me are people I am not really close with anymore and definatly not anybody I trust.
  • Sarahr73
    Sarahr73 Posts: 454 Member
    I would agree with many people on here, you and your husband should stay out of it. This guy knows his wife has cheated on him and yet he showers her with gifts???? If that is his answer to her cheating on him, than let him do his thing. When problems like this arise and couples do not talk about the issues that caused the problem, the relationship wil not recover and there is nothing you can do to help it. Like another poster said, they will probably end up hating you and/or your husband if you get involved.
    And if you don't think you can be friends with her anymore, tell her and give her the reason why. If she gets mad, too bad. It's not your fault she cheated and it's not your fault you prefer to have friends with good morals.
  • MassiveDelta
    MassiveDelta Posts: 3,271 Member
    watch the movie "the dilemma" you will have your answer
  • FitJoani
    FitJoani Posts: 2,173 Member
    Sick truth is he does need to know. It is crushing and a touchy situation that you are in. I had a good friend cheat on her ex fiance and we were all friends but she was a friend long before he was...maybe thats the way to look at it???
  • MassiveDelta
    MassiveDelta Posts: 3,271 Member
    Sick truth is he does need to know. It is crushing and a touchy situation that you are in. I had a good friend cheat on her ex fiance and we were all friends but she was a friend long before he was...maybe thats the way to look at it???

    I agree must tell him.
  • missfitp
    missfitp Posts: 33 Member
    I really wish neither one of them had gotten me involved, that way my perception of them both had not been changed. To answer someone's question here, she self-admitted that she did it because she was unhappy. She said she didn't love him anymore and that the only reason why she stayed with him was because he begged. She insisted he is a great dad to their kids and a good husband, but she doesn't love him like she used to. Since then they have almost split up again and they both called me to tell me the story again. I gave them both the best advice I could and also told them I didn't need to know more.

    I also agree with many people on here that it's best I stay out of it because in the end I will be the bad friend who ruined everything. My dilemma is not whether I should tell him or not because he had the proof in front of him and chose not to act on it. If he wants to live his life with such distrust towards her, then it's his to live. I just feel like I'm letting her down as a friend by not wanting to hang out with her anymore and it hurts me because I never thought it would get to this.
  • Scheherazadea
    Scheherazadea Posts: 54
    Unfortunately, I don't think there's anything you can do to come out of this situation unscathed...either one may likely blame you for "destroying" the relationship. The best thing you can do is talk to both of them individually about your growing concern about their relationship, maybe try to empathize with them on some level? Suggest that they talk to each other, or bring up how couples counseling has worked wonders for some people...

    It isn't really your right to tell the husband, even if the husband is your close friend. Some of us have nasty secrets, infidelity being one of them. This is an issue that they need to mettle out on their own and if you tell the husband, you may ruin the chance they have to make amends.
  • PlanetVelma
    PlanetVelma Posts: 1,223 Member
    ewwww....what a horrible situation and I so do not envy your situation. I've been cheated on and I wish my ex-husband's friends would have told me that something was going on. I will admit one person did try to tell me, but i was in so much denial that I didn't want to believe it. I believed it when my ex was arrested with his 15 y/o girlfriend (yea, i was 25 at the time). Grr.....In looking back I don't think it would have made much difference....i would like to say that I would have left but who knows. Hindsight is always 20/20 - but i would stay out of it to avoid being the "*kitten*" who broke up so & so....

    Honestly, I made some friends with some neighbors of mine and I stopped speaking to them because they had split up - the GF moved out, well she was calling & texting my current husband nite & day. I b*tched about it and told him that this was inappropriate, this is how drama gets started, etc... He finally told her to leave him alone and of course she moved back in.

    To this day she doesn't "get" why I stopped speaking to her. Uh, hello, why are you dragging your new neighbors into the middle of your fight and texting my husband asking if your BF is at home. LOL
  • PlanetVelma
    PlanetVelma Posts: 1,223 Member
    ewwww....what a horrible situation and I so do not envy your situation. I've been cheated on and I wish my ex-husband's friends would have told me that something was going on. I will admit one person did try to tell me, but i was in so much denial that I didn't want to believe it. I believed it when my ex was arrested with his 15 y/o girlfriend (yea, i was 25 at the time). Grr.....In looking back I don't think it would have made much difference....i would like to say that I would have left but who knows. Hindsight is always 20/20 - but i would stay out of it to avoid being the "*kitten*" who broke up so & so....

    Honestly, I made some friends with some neighbors of mine and I stopped speaking to them because they had split up - the GF moved out, well she was calling & texting my current husband nite & day. I b*tched about it and told him that this was inappropriate, this is how drama gets started, etc... He finally told her to leave him alone and of course she moved back in.

    To this day she doesn't "get" why I stopped speaking to her. Uh, hello, why are you dragging your new neighbors into the middle of your fight and texting my husband asking if your BF is at home. LOL
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,458 Member
    Yikes. Good luck with that.

    I'd definitely stop being frineds with her.
  • ♥Violette♥4Ever♥
    ♥Violette♥4Ever♥ Posts: 457 Member
    Sick truth is he does need to know. It is crushing and a touchy situation that you are in. I had a good friend cheat on her ex fiance and we were all friends but she was a friend long before he was...maybe thats the way to look at it???

    I agree must tell him.

    Don't get more involved than you already are. I don't think you should tell him. It's not your place to tell. If anything, have a frank conversation with her and and then walk away from the situation. She can do with what you tell her as she sees fit.. This affair is between the two of them. Obviously their marriage is broken somewhere or else she wouldn't have felt the need to cheat. People have affairs for a reason and couples need to work out their own problems and seek professional counseling.
  • askme12
    askme12 Posts: 155 Member
    I wouldnt lie if he asked, however I don't know if I would get involved. I'd don't like surrounding myself with negative people regardless if they are family, friends, coworkers, etc... Remember you choose who your friends are... What she did is a big deal! I personally wouldn't want her around me or my kids. It's hard enough raising kids now a days without surrounding yourself with negative people. Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.
  • HollieDoodles
    HollieDoodles Posts: 678 Member
    I really wish neither one of them had gotten me involved, that way my perception of them both had not been changed. To answer someone's question here, she self-admitted that she did it because she was unhappy. She said she didn't love him anymore and that the only reason why she stayed with him was because he begged. She insisted he is a great dad to their kids and a good husband, but she doesn't love him like she used to. Since then they have almost split up again and they both called me to tell me the story again. I gave them both the best advice I could and also told them I didn't need to know more.

    I also agree with many people on here that it's best I stay out of it because in the end I will be the bad friend who ruined everything. My dilemma is not whether I should tell him or not because he had the proof in front of him and chose not to act on it. If he wants to live his life with such distrust towards her, then it's his to live. I just feel like I'm letting her down as a friend by not wanting to hang out with her anymore and it hurts me because I never thought it would get to this.

    I'm so sorry you have this burden laid on you. It's possible that it's not healthy for you and your hubby to be friends with them anymore. People change and so do their morals. Similar morals are usually what draw us to people and when they are significantly different than ours, it's healthier (though painful) to move on.
    I'm praying for you to find peace with this and for God to guide you. It is obvious that it really is a painful situation for you.
    God bless!
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