Dating after weight loss

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  • Darton2010
    Darton2010 Posts: 137 Member
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    This is a touchy subject for sure but I figure I might as well give a bit of in site as to how this issue is viewed threw my eyes, I have been a big guy my entire life, when it comes to women I am absolutely not attracted to a women of my size and the women I was attracted to wasn't attracted to me which I didn't blame them because they viewed me as I would a lady my size and myself. I never was mean to big girls just never acted interested in the nicest possible way I could without being obvious about it, if I felt a lady I wasn't attracted to was hitting on me I would play with my phone or change the subject, but I also didn't care for a pretty girl who was a diva with a rude temperament. A lot of what I have been reading on here and have noticed in real life is women are really quick to judge guys just because there not into a bigger girl and then when they get skinnier and attractive than all the sudden they get more attention and get mad. Well as a big guy I can say the same about women, I have a buddy that is around my age and skinny, on paper he doesn't stand a chance against me, I have a better job, own a house where he is living in his parents house and I could go on and on, we both joined multiple and the same dating sites to meet women, he got floods of responses and dates where I would get like one or two responses total than even the ones who did respond wouldn't want to meet in person ext. so it goes both ways, I don't get mad at them because they would rather date a better looking guy, in a way I just stopped looking for now until I'm further along with my journey. I expect dating for a women is similar to the way a man dates, first is a physical attraction which is what any species is driven towards (reproduction), than if there is a attraction your more interested in meeting and getting to know that person, it doesn't have as much to do with being spiteful or malicious it's just genetics. Instead of getting mad at the women I was attracted to I found a way to fix myself to better attract the women I was attracted to. A bunch of women say weight shouldn't matter and to some guys it doesn't either because there attracted to it or aren't driven as much by reproduction but for most people women included there has to be that attraction or the fear of hurting there feelings or being with a person your not attracted to sets in and move on to someone you are. I don't mean to generalize an entire sex or offend anyone by saying what I have just felt I needed to shine some light on the subject from another perspective.
  • Thatonechickoverthere
    Thatonechickoverthere Posts: 100 Member
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    Well I want to look sexy to men after I finish losing weight... I definitely don't want to date the douches who laughed at me when I was fat, but definitely someone I'm attracted to who finds me attractive. Right now though that's hard for me to achieve and that's part of the reason I'm losing weight.
  • momoharuno
    momoharuno Posts: 141 Member
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    I'm happily married now but I've been following this thread and I'm honestly shocked, I believe everyone of course, but I've seriously never seen anything like this! I'm 5'11" and have never been under 200 in my adult life but I've never been treated badly by a man and I'm horrified that this has happened to people. I'm an extremely confident woman and actually had more of a problem with too many guys trying to date me, especially if I was in a relationship at the time, even at 250lbs I married a very attractive and fit man. I just can't even imagine being treated so badly it's terrible, I hope everyone who has suffered learns to forgive and move past these terrible things and find what they truly want. You deserve it :'(
  • 6502programmer
    6502programmer Posts: 515 Member
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    All absolutes are false.

    I met my wife in her 250's. We have been losing weight together, and she's now south of 300. I love her irrespective of, not in spite of, her weight.
  • FrenchCanuck
    FrenchCanuck Posts: 60 Member
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    Darton,
    " I expect dating for a women is similar to the way a man dates, first is a physical attraction which is what any species is driven towards (reproduction)"

    May I remind you that, in the Victorian age, women that were "chunky" were more in demand by men and were seen as more attractive than skinny girls? Every era has it's "fad". This era, it's about skinny women. That kind of attraction is not about reproduction, it's influenced by media; we see skinny women everywhere, movies, banners, ads, magazines, all photoshopped, models are obligated to be thin as twigs... women are pressured into being thin and being regarded shamefully for being normal or just a little overweight. Men have no pressure to be at a fake photoshopped high social standard. I hear the "dad bod" was a fad now... see, men are allowed to be fat, not women. Fat women are regarded as shameful. However, if you want to talk about reproduction, it's women that has a bigger pelvis that sollicits a sense of reproduction, like science stated, because it promotes childbearing.
  • freeza12
    freeza12 Posts: 33 Member
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    FrenchCanuck wrote: »
    Darton,
    " I expect dating for a women is similar to the way a man dates, first is a physical attraction which is what any species is driven towards (reproduction)"

    May I remind you that, in the Victorian age, women that were "chunky" were more in demand by men and were seen as more attractive than skinny girls? Every era has it's "fad". This era, it's about skinny women. That kind of attraction is not about reproduction, it's influenced by media; we see skinny women everywhere, movies, banners, ads, magazines, all photoshopped, models are obligated to be thin as twigs... women are pressured into being thin and being regarded shamefully for being normal or just a little overweight. Men have no pressure to be at a fake photoshopped high social standard. I hear the "dad bod" was a fad now... see, men are allowed to be fat, not women. Fat women are regarded as shameful. However, if you want to talk about reproduction, it's women that has a bigger pelvis that sollicits a sense of reproduction, like science stated, because it promotes childbearing.

    So as that's the case, as you claim, what are you going to do about it?
  • ElkeKNJ
    ElkeKNJ Posts: 207 Member
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    Wow, I am shocked at the experiences Krissy and Canook have suffered! That is just senseless psychological abuse, and the scarring obviously runs deep. i do agree that attraction has a lot to do with charisma and confidence. I was only attracted to my own husband after he chased me for a few years, and he did some modeling at the time. So nothing wrong with his physique, but he was such a quiet person, which did not appeal to me at the time. I believe you should take care of yourself, become happy and confident for yourself. Build your own perfect life regardless of any men. And love might still come to you.
  • memickee
    memickee Posts: 250 Member
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    Hugs to you Krissy and FrenchCanuck! I think that your expierences a young age left a deep cut. I, too, have encountered some cruelness from the opposite sex. It has taken me a while to get over it, and to get myself out there. I am in my 40's and am just finally feeling good about my appearance; I consider myself a late bloomer. Maybe it comes with age and wisdom?
  • Whitezombiegirl
    Whitezombiegirl Posts: 1,042 Member
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    A couple of things jumped out at me:

    I think people are entitled to go out with someone they are physically attracted to - and no one needs to make excuses for what they find attarctive - be that any size, gender, hair colour, skin colour etc. I don't think it's shallow. If I'm dating someone (as opposed to just being thier freind) I'm not gonna want to be intimate with them unless I'm physically atrracted to them. The great thing is that everyone has different tastes, the bad thing is that you might not be to the taste of the guy you like at the time - but that's life!

    The second thing is that I've been at the other end- the very skinny underweight girl at school who was invisible to the guys and would always get passed up for her heavier freinds with fuller busts. But i realised that those guys were perfectly entitled to like girls with fuller busts- thats okay.

    I still feel like the 'last puuppy in the basket' to be honest- but i don't harbour any resentment.
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
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    FrenchCanuck wrote: »
    Darton,
    " I expect dating for a women is similar to the way a man dates, first is a physical attraction which is what any species is driven towards (reproduction)"

    May I remind you that, in the Victorian age, women that were "chunky" were more in demand by men and were seen as more attractive than skinny girls? Every era has it's "fad". This era, it's about skinny women. That kind of attraction is not about reproduction, it's influenced by media; we see skinny women everywhere, movies, banners, ads, magazines, all photoshopped, models are obligated to be thin as twigs... women are pressured into being thin and being regarded shamefully for being normal or just a little overweight. Men have no pressure to be at a fake photoshopped high social standard. I hear the "dad bod" was a fad now... see, men are allowed to be fat, not women. Fat women are regarded as shameful. However, if you want to talk about reproduction, it's women that has a bigger pelvis that sollicits a sense of reproduction, like science stated, because it promotes childbearing.

    Where do you live that women are "regarded shamefully for being normal or just a little overweight?" Because I just do not see that happening in the majority of situations. I can go to the store or a restaurant and see couples of varying shapes and sizes and I guarantee that the women are not all "skinny," which I'm taking to mean underweight.
  • lauracups
    lauracups Posts: 533 Member
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    In short, there are some things in life you just have to get over. UNLESS you would like to be defined by that emotional baggage, enjoy who you are and choose happiness.
  • arditarose
    arditarose Posts: 15,573 Member
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    No. I don't blame them. I look better.

    I actually used to get more attention on the street before I lost weight. I think it was the 29 in waist and 44 in hips-not good attention.
  • allbarrett
    allbarrett Posts: 159 Member
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    xxKrissxx wrote: »
    i guess you and i will have to agree to disagree, i dont blame them for not being attracted, like what you like.. but i can definitely blame them for verbal abuse, i do not do that to people i don't find attractive, just because you dont find me attractive doesn't mean you have to be cruel and tell me about how ugly you think i am.

    No one is defending the verbal abuse you (or others) suffered. No, you don't deserve to be harassed. No, you don't deserve to be called names, or treated cruelly. And, should one of those *kitten* start hitting on you now that you are thinner, feel absolutely free to turn them down flat (and, if it makes you happy, politely explain that you aren't interested in cruel, juvenile, jerks who verbally abuse others).

    That said, painting the entire male gender with the same brush won't help, give the new guys you meet a chance and see how they behave.
  • Meganthedogmom
    Meganthedogmom Posts: 1,639 Member
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    Ouch, there have been some rough experiences from some of you.
    Of course not every guy is going to be into every big girl, but I have dated quite a bit when I was very heavy, and had no problem getting really attractive (and fit) men. The type I was often attracted to actually landed more on the chubby side of guys, which I found took LESS interest in me than the fit guys.

    Has anyone seen that episode of Louie where the fat girl asked him out and he turns her down? She states that the really hot dudes actually flirt back with her, because they're comfortable with who they are. The fat guys feel they have something to prove, so they have to have the supermodel type chicks. Something along those lines.

    Anyway, I also do believe part of it is how you carry yourself as well. I feel more confident and sexy after a good workout, so sometimes it gets that attention from men. But I actually get cat-called much less often... If a guy is interested, he talks to me like a human being, rather than yelling something obscene about my booty.
  • GaleHawkins
    GaleHawkins Posts: 8,159 Member
    edited August 2015
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    Being 64 and having a son and daughter about to turn 18 I know there can be jerks everywhere. A lot of guys are insecure and will only date girls that they think will impress their friends.

    I can not image dating again and hope I have no reason to date again but I can tell you even today it is what is behind the eyes and between the ears that is most important to me in any friend. Like most guys beauty is nice but it is the brain, heart and attitude 24/7 that makes a relationship last.

    Girls clearly are judged in a physical way initially by most guys. I can see how much rejection can hurt a young girl.

    While it does not help the pain at the time please trust me you do not need or want the attention of crude guys. I had to deal with this personally and realize how it much rejection must hurt. The worse is the guy who will date a girl just so he can verbally abuse her. Fathers are very protective. :)

    We as fathers can set up our daughters for failure. If we are abusive to our wives if only in an emotional way it sets the daughter up to think it is "normal" for guys to act that way so they will naturally get into and stay in bad relationships sometimes because they do not know anything different.

    The father figure in a young girl's life can be a make or break factor and I see this over and over as an employer.

    The past is the past but please if the past was bad we do not need to let it make the future bad. A guy that is a jerky most likely learned that behavior from the father figure in his life.

    As a rule guys do NOT change so keep that in mind when dating or wanting to date someone.

    While it meant I dated less than most guys I had a three date rule. If I could not see the girl that I was dating as the mother of my future daughter for any reason I did not go on the fourth date. I know some girls who would have been served well if they had used the three date rule. Folks wrong relationships seldom turn out right. Guys that will not date you are not guys you want as the father of future children if you are thinking of starting a family some day.

    Remember there are guys out there that will prey on women with low self esteem because they are control freaks. These you must avoid at all cost because getting free of them can be very hard for many reasons.

  • Harleyb87
    Harleyb87 Posts: 279 Member
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    FrenchCanuck wrote: »
    I know guys are superficial and mostly driven to pick a girl on looks. Even fat guys don't look at me because I'm overweight - talk about double standards!

    Why do I know that he likes a skinny chick better than a fat one and not because I'm not smiling or something? Well, I often got pushed off aside because a skinny chick walked by, even if she's cold as ice and rude as hell to him; she talks, he follows. Those guys did not behave the same with me as with her, even though we are both confident, smiling, beautiful ladies. You can see it in his eyes and body language.

    All men disrespect overweight ladies and give more attention and respect to skinny chicks, and it's not because skinny chicks smile more.

    The few exceptions are men who were raised with women that learned to respect us and to love us for our personalities or men who prefer thick ladies.

    If I lose weight and become athletic, will I give a chubby guy my time of day? Hard to say, because the way they treat me at the time being as a thick lady, but I have good judge of character though and can spot someone that speaks through his heart; and him, yes, I would give him my time of day.

    But you all speak the truth though; if I keep thinking like this, I'll forever be spiteful towards the male species and will never find love.

    Not all men are like that and not all people are like that at all. There are plenty of people who see someone for more than how they look.

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