Help.Emotional wreck...affecting eating

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mental_release
mental_release Posts: 65
in Motivation and Support
In short, how does one learn to look at the person they love, the person they want affection from, the person they want to be loved by, and say, "I'm don't need youy"?

We've been married for almost 10 years. I want...need to be told and touched to feel loved. She want other things/ways...fine. But now I'm supposed to give her what she wants but she "doesn't want to say I love you" or hug me because she says she doesn't love me. "Maybe if she gets what she wants first." How am I supposed to take a leap of faith like that and she shouldn't? We both wanted an equal marriage. I see changing things about myself to give her what she wants as putting all my heart into a person who has said outright, she doesn't love me anymore.

How can I do this and not feel deprived, lonely, and still unloved?

I ask this because when I feel like this I don't give a damn about watching calories...what's the point? It sounds pathetic, but I've let myself get to a point where without her, my life truly does feel empty...nothing to look forward to.

Divorce is not the answer. There are kids involved and it wouldn't change ME and how *I* feel. How do I not be so needy and be OK wih myself regardless of her?

I'm sorry to bring this up here, so if you know a better site/forum, please let me know. Living like this is emotionally killing me and slowly physically killing me (by not caring about the weight).

Thanks everyone.
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Replies

  • PNWriter
    PNWriter Posts: 223 Member
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    I'm sorry for you. My suggestion is to seek counseling.
  • Kristhin
    Kristhin Posts: 442 Member
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    Let if affect your eating. Just not in the way you are now.
    Instead of, I'm a wreck everything is out of control, let me get my body out of my control too and gorge myself on everything.
    Say, my life is out of control. I cannot control what is happening and I'm very, very upset.
    The only thing I CAN control is my diet. My food.
    Use that need to have something be up to you. Use it for your weight loss.
  • msminyon
    msminyon Posts: 32 Member
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    I agree, it's time to seek outside help if you are not able to discuss it together.
  • greatescape
    greatescape Posts: 54 Member
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    i agree-- seek counseling. i promise you it makes a world of difference! i speak from personal experience when i say that counseling can and will change your life. you can't change others, only yourself.
  • LaurieBLouise
    LaurieBLouise Posts: 48 Member
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    counseling, counseling, counseling. I'm concerned for you. none of us can help you to the degree you need. at this point I'm not even sure you can help yourself; you seem to be in great distress. my thoughts and prayers are with you.
  • zoecas2125
    zoecas2125 Posts: 27 Member
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    Sorry to hear that your in a bad spot. But you need to be honest with yourself. If she doesn't love you, it's time to move on. I know it hurts, but why spend another day depressed and lonely inside? And as for the kids, believe me they feel your pain and tension within the Marriage. I come from a divorced home. I'm so glad my Parent's divorced. I am happy that there happy now and I adore my step-mom and little sister. Who want's to live in a house full of tension and arguing. And kids know more than you'll ever what to admit to yourself.

    Your not a failure if it doesn't work out. You did the best you could with what you knew. It's not about you loosing weight, it's about you finding yourself and the strength within you right now. What do you want? What do you desire? How do you want to be treated? Cause all I hear is what she want's.

    "I believe that everything happens for a reason, People change so you learn to let go.Things go wrong so you can apprieciate them when they're right. You believe in lies so you learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together"

    -Marilyn Monroe
  • sars_68
    sars_68 Posts: 308 Member
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    i agree-- seek counseling. i promise you it makes a world of difference! i speak from personal experience when i say that counseling can and will change your life. you can't change others, only yourself.


    Ditto above. My husband and I had counselling and it helped for us. I wish you lots of luck, I know how hard it must be for you. Take care
    :flowerforyou:
  • maureendonahue
    maureendonahue Posts: 468 Member
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    I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. I am sure it is painful to be told you are no longer loved. But that does not mean you are not loveable!

    Losing weight is great for your physical (and mental) health, but it will not really improve your self-esteem. Best suggestion I would have is to reach out to your doctor or religious person for some counseling. You deserve to be loved, but to do that you need start with loving yourself.

    I will be thinking of you!
  • sarahlyzzibeth
    sarahlyzzibeth Posts: 108
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    Hi,
    I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through something so hard. I don't know enough about the situation to offer any ideas, nor am I qualified to do so, but I do agree with PNWriter that seeing a counselor could definitely be a way to work things out. One thing I will say is that whenever I'm depressed or discouraged, it only makes me feel worse to eat junk food. I'm not saying you need to count every calorie and go crazy about it since that generally makes me feel even more trodden down to have to count out exactly 14 crackers... to help your peace of mind in that particular regard, simply choosing healthier options like fruit and food that isn't fried, you'll feel a little better physically and you won't have to worry about the guilt of taking a backwards step in your fitness goals.
    Good luck with everything.
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
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    First and foremost, being on this site getting healthy is for you and your kids too. They need you to be here. Second, one of the best things I learned during the last two years is that marriage is not 50/50, it is 100/100. Both people need to put their 100% into it. There are a lot of great marriage resources on www.familylife.com and www.focusonthefamily.com

    That said, a huge mistake that we all make as humans is thinking we are supposed to be happy all of the time. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I think it's ok to be sad or hurt all of the time either, however we as a human race need to realize that things don't make us happy. Healthy relationships are key to happiness. I agree with the post that suggested some counseling. Also, the site I mentioned above, Family Life runs an AMAZING marriage conference. My husband and I went just to learn how we could increase the quality of our marriage. I've had friends go who've been through some really tough situations in their marriages and it has really helped them see their roles and how to make the most of what we have right now :)
  • steve4580
    steve4580 Posts: 32
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    Try to remember to not be so hard on yourself. The desire you have for your wife to love you does not mean your are too needy. We all need love. You mentioned that you both want an equal marriage, so it sounds like she may have some hope left for the marriage. Don't delay, find a good counselor! This can truly be the thing that can save your marriage.
  • MB_Positif
    MB_Positif Posts: 8,897 Member
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    Talk about timing. Just a few minutes after I posted on your thread I got an email from Focus on the Family with the following article...

    http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/preparing_for_marriage/approaching_the_wedding_day/foundations_of_a_lifelong_marriage.aspx
  • iAMaPhoenix
    iAMaPhoenix Posts: 1,038 Member
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    Wow...Sorry to hear that, but counseling is an answer. In the interim, I will give you my Counseling For Dummies answer. Six to Ten years is usually the turning point in relationships, especially marriages. It is at that point that we decide that this is truly our soulmate who we will lay our life on the line for, someone we cannot stand to look at and will lay their life on the line, or someone we decide to just lay our life with.

    The first two are easy because in one you live happily ever after, and in the other you live after ever happily. Stay with me now. The third scenario is the one with all kind of gray, and I think you find yourself in. If you reread your statement, at no time did you say you loved her. Is it that you too are also feeling the same way she is, but not ready to let go because of the kids or the ten year investment. I understand the need to be held, touched, and feel loved, but you can get those from the kids stepmother in a couple of years. Regardless, you need to do some deep soul searching as to what you want.

    Now some possible solutions. Of course, counseling is always recommended for both of you(and the kids later on), regardless of what YOU decide. Notice I said you, because her mind is already made up. You also need to stay on the course to be healthy, because emotional distress coupled with physical distress is a deadly combination, and no use in letting her collect your life insurance policy on top of everything, right? And you also have to learn to fall in love all over again---with yourself. You have given so much to others over the past ten years(wife, kids, job, etc), that I am sure you have been placed on the backburner. I promise you, that if you fall in love with YOU all over again, you will begin to see things in a different light. A light that will illuminate your future path so brightly, that the past will eventually be a distant memory.

    I don't know you, but I wish you the best my friend. I hope in the humor, you see something that you can hold on to get you through the dark days, and believe me, they will be dark before the light comes on. Feel free to add me as a friend, and put that plate of cookies down and get to the gym...
  • mental_release
    mental_release Posts: 65
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    Full disclosure: I am in couseling for me. We tried counseling for us, but she bailed on it because I did not "do the work". I'm terrified of failing so I didn't bother going into it whole heartedly. I didn't want to hear from her all the sighes, hmmms, and haaaas, when she found out I didn't remeber things like her favorite flower.

    I never learned how to stand on my own two feet. I grew up in a very protected environment...a mommas boy. Ex: in elementary school I was never invited to a friend's halloween party because even they knew my mother would say no.

    So, my wife bailed on the marriage counseling because she believes I have my own issus to work out first. This may be true. I just don't know how to move forward without her but still living a life with her.

    Side note: re-reading this it sounds pathetic...
  • iAMaPhoenix
    iAMaPhoenix Posts: 1,038 Member
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    Wow...Sorry to hear that, but counseling is an answer. In the interim, I will give you my Counseling For Dummies answer. Six to Ten years is usually the turning point in relationships, especially marriages. It is at that point that we decide that this is truly our soulmate who we will lay our life on the line for, someone we cannot stand to look at and will lay their life on the line, or someone we decide to just lay our life with.

    The first two are easy because in one you live happily ever after, and in the other you live after ever happily. Stay with me now. The third scenario is the one with all kind of gray, and I think you find yourself in. If you reread your statement, at no time did you say you loved her. Is it that you too are also feeling the same way she is, but not ready to let go because of the kids or the ten year investment. I understand the need to be held, touched, and feel loved, but you can get those from the kids stepmother in a couple of years. Regardless, you need to do some deep soul searching as to what you want.

    Now some possible solutions. Of course, counseling is always recommended for both of you(and the kids later on), regardless of what YOU decide. Notice I said you, because her mind is already made up. You also need to stay on the course to be healthy, because emotional distress coupled with physical distress is a deadly combination, and no use in letting her collect your life insurance policy on top of everything, right? And you also have to learn to fall in love all over again---with yourself. You have given so much to others over the past ten years(wife, kids, job, etc), that I am sure you have been placed on the backburner. I promise you, that if you fall in love with YOU all over again, you will begin to see things in a different light. A light that will illuminate your future path so brightly, that the past will eventually be a distant memory.

    I don't know you, but I wish you the best my friend. I hope in the humor, you see something that you can hold on to get you through the dark days, and believe me, they will be dark before the light comes on. Feel free to add me as a friend, and put that plate of cookies down and get to the gym...
    I guess I should be sure to state that I am not, nor ever have been a licensed professional in counseling. Hell, I failed Psychology, all 7 times...lol. I do however have a lifetime of experience to draw on. Do not sue me...if you choose to follow any of my suggestions, but if it helps, I will be sending you a bill...lol.
  • Sistasarita
    Sistasarita Posts: 39 Member
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    It takes a lot of courage to tell your story to a bunch of strangers. The risk of ridicule and judgment can be scary. The most wonderful thing about MFP is the support system. You've had success at making great decisions. Make one great decision today to protect your heart...and then set out to do it again tomorrow. No one has to be great ALL DAY long. It's ok to just make one great decision per day. =} We'll be here to cheer you on.

    Life, love, health...it's all a journey. Take baby steps. You are not alone. We are all walking that same road with you brother. Walking and talking to our respective shrinks as we go...

    Movie Recommendation: "What about Bob?" - a little laughter is good for the soul. =}

    Be Well.
  • KayakAngel
    KayakAngel Posts: 397 Member
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    You're not pathetic - that's a tough situation, the toughest really. Glad to hear you're sticking with counseling for you. There is a book that helped me make some decisions about my marriage - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. It helped me, but of course, someone else could think it's schlock. I really hope you're able to take care of yourself while you're going through all this. :flowerforyou:
  • HeyLisa
    HeyLisa Posts: 201
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    I have so been there..

    I was with my ex (lived with 10 years/married only 2 though).. we tried counseling and all that. He told me he wasn't sure he ever loved me.. he broke up with me but wouldn't leave. I left not wanting to go but to keep myself sane. He got scared and "wooed" me back for 6 months, starting only 5 days after I left. I finally moved back with him and then he dumped me again after a couple of months (as soon as I felt secure again). It was a horrible horrible black time in my life. I was so dependent on him, his approval, his perceived affection.

    You need to learn to be ok with yourself first. It took me a while to find myself. Personal counseling helped, but it is important to focus on the goal of working on your own independence and personal happiness (not fixing something you can't control).. Work on finding your own distractions at first.. interests will develop more strongly later (walk, bookstore, movies, gym, volunteering). Try to get out of your head.

    For me, my divorce (took me 2 years to realize) was the greatest gift the guy ever gave me. When I look back he was such a jerk to me. I was his friend but he was never mine. In time I found me. I'm happy (he still isn't by the way though has a SO).. I found love and acceptance for who I am. I like me.

    It all starts with that first step... putting YOU first.
  • iAMaPhoenix
    iAMaPhoenix Posts: 1,038 Member
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    It all starts with that first step... putting YOU first.
    Well said Lisa, Well said.
  • LLaDonna
    LLaDonna Posts: 126
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    And you also have to learn to fall in love all over again---with yourself. You have given so much to others over the past ten years(wife, kids, job, etc), that I am sure you have been placed on the backburner. I promise you, that if you fall in love with YOU all over again, you will begin to see things in a different light. A light that will illuminate your future path so brightly, that the past will eventually be a distant memory.

    Beautifully spoken! I love to see this kind of encouragement and humanity, especially here where we all struggle with so much. Great and caring advice ♥

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