Me and my 61kg overweight

I am 30 years old, 3 years ago I have weighted 126kg, leading to 61kg overweight. Funny enough my target weight is 62kg, so I do have to lose half of my starting weight. 3 years down the line i have lost 44 kg, and for the last year fighting my last 15 kg.
I thought it will be good for me to put down my story and all thousand and one things i did so that could help and inspire others like me. Maybe somebody will learn from my mistakes or maybe just have a good fun reading it.

I think i tried all the diets that is out there: high protein, low carb, low fat, fasting etc. I think i tried all different types of training: lifting weights, martial arts, dancing, running, you name it I did it. However the most important thing i have learned is that majority of the time it is the emotional baggage that weights us down. We ( obese people) have a story to tell, have our own big elephants in the room, skeletons in the closet and until we face them our old behaviour patterns will come back.
For some food is a safety net, for others is self harming mechanism for me, well, I have never felt that I am good enough for my mother and even though I am successful at my carrier, happy with my life there always had to be one thing that I am failing for her not to love me.

I grow up with emotionally unavailable mother, neglecting mother, and even though I had all i needed nice clothes, pocket money and big present for birthdays she just seemed never to be around and even when she did I felt like she never has time for me, or notice me, or even care about my existence. My weight was growing and growing and growing... Running away from unloved mother I ended in unloving marriage, it just felt like am stuck in my own trap eating myself to num to ignore the fact that I am running away from life itself.

I remember how I was 26 years old, waking up in the morning and thinking is this how my life will be from now, is this how unhappy I will be for the rest of my life. And that moment something click, was it myself conscience or was it my inner child who had enough of neglect kicked hard enough for me to wake up and tell myself: NO MORE! Soon after followed divorce and my relocation to UK. I have realised that i can not be close to my mother, but at the same time I am not strong enough to face her.

I remember how 2013 December few days before Xmas i went to weight watchers meeting. Everybody was telling me to start after new year, but I was determined, time has came to make changes and take over control of my life. More than 2 years and I am still going to ww meetings every single week, I have addiction, I am emotional eater, I need to have control in m life and ww is my control, what is more my ww team leader and ladies in meetings became my friends and my family. I learned how to cook, how to track and most importantly how to recognise factors that triggers my overeating.
However I believe the most important transformation started to happen when i started to see canceller in regards to childhood trauma. Emotionally unavailable mother constantly makes you question what is wrong with you that she is not interested in you, lack of emotions or feelings leaves you num to emotions, especially when it came to romantic relationship. Therapy helped me to realise that I am enough just the way I am, I am good enough, I am great enough, I am smart enough, there is nothing wrong with me, it was something wrong with my mother maybe she was depressed, maybe tired maybe there were so much more that I still don’t know, I am still not ready to face her but at least I no longer angry on her or trying to impress her to get some sort of affirmation from her, even now.
Soon after i started to accept myself, love myself and forgive myself, weight just started to melt because I wasn’t afraid to be great any more, I wasnt afraid to deserve love and I no longer am afraid not to meet somebody’s expectations, because now i got me, now I have someone who loves me unconditionally and will always fight in my corner now I haveME strong an happy.

And my journey is still not over, I have last 15 kg to lose but now I am happy how I look, I am happy who I am. I joined university to do degree in Organisational Psychology as it was always subject of my interest, I am active, I am healthy, I am involved in charity and I love myself which was something that I was never felt deserved.

Im not sure is this letter more for myself to finally say it all out load but I hope this will inspire and help some people as I will be posting my day to day activities here. My transformation is not over I just hope that you will help me accomplish it