What do you do when your spouse is not supportive?
alison_cpb
Posts: 23
In the main, my husband is a pretty good guy. The problem I always seem to face when I try to lose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle is the snide comments from him and the general 'I don't know why you're bothering' attitude. It's very disheartening and hurtful and now that I'm at day five here at MFP it has started up again. He's noticed me making the usual little changes and his comment this morning was "So, you're back to counting out 35 mini wheats again?".
I think it stems from the fact that he is also obese but not willing AT ALL to put any effort into making the 'crazy-*kitten*' changes that can be necessary to losing weight. I think he wants me to stay fat with him...
I really want to make this work this time but how do you stay positive and motivated when you have your family dragging you backwards?
Just feeling really discouraged and in need of a little advice and a cheering section.
I think it stems from the fact that he is also obese but not willing AT ALL to put any effort into making the 'crazy-*kitten*' changes that can be necessary to losing weight. I think he wants me to stay fat with him...
I really want to make this work this time but how do you stay positive and motivated when you have your family dragging you backwards?
Just feeling really discouraged and in need of a little advice and a cheering section.
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You lay the smack down on him! You tell him that you're doing this for both of you and he's either going to support you or you're going to ignore him. Then, you just prove his negative *kitten* wrong.0
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You lay the smack down on him! You tell him that you're doing this for both of you and he's either going to support you or you're going to ignore him. Then, you just prove his negative *kitten* wrong.
YESSS!!! ^^^^ THIS!!!! Don't let his comments bring you down ( I know, easier said than done) but instead allow the thoughts to fuel your determination and prove him wrong!0 -
Find a friend to help keep you motivated. I'm sure its disheartening when your spouse doesn't want to see you improve yourself. Try to keep a positive attitude (which is difficult) but finding someone who wants to workout with you and support you can be found here on MFP. Good luck and I'm sure you'll get all kinds of support here. I'll be here.....0
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Try saying "What a nasty thing to say!" in a surprised voice, every time he makes a comment. Then ignore him.
Of course, you should take my advice with a pinch of salt. I'm not married.;p0 -
i feel for you i really do, i live with my mother who is also over weight and the comments have already started from her. when we were out shopping she made a huge deal that we couldnt eat at our normal cafe (fry ups galore! ugh!) and i never heard the end of it!
it is tough and like you it is really upsetting me...so you arent alone. not sure what to do about it though either!0 -
That is a shame but you can NOT make someone else want something no matter how much you ask, insist, or try to guilt them into action. My suggestion would be to lead by example. Once he sees you dropping pounds, showing more energy, looking and feeling better, he may find the motivation he is lacking now.
But be prepared for him to never come around (Change is very tough for anyone) and find another support system. A co-worker, neighbor, friend, social media connection, etc.0 -
Best thing to do try and get him to join you then you both can support each other!0
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Well you came to the right place for the support. Just keep doing what you do and try not let him get to you. When you need help just keep talking with us and we will help you through. Feel free to add me. Plus I have a brother who is obese as well and he does not want to lose weight either, but I'm lucky that he doesn't say to much, just brings crap into the house, but I can pass on them.0
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My husband has gained 150 pounds since we were married. It is so hard for me to watch him do this to himself. I am overweight but I am trying really hard to change. In the past he was not supportive at all, and the same thing happened this time. But I am on approximately day 50 and down 21 pounds and he is starting to get it. I think in the beginning he was worried that this would be forced upon him. But I make all of the same dinners, I buy the same things at the store. I am making changes for me and not forcing them upon my family. Once he realised that this was something I was doing for myself he became more supportive. Every once in a while he says something like "here, just eat this donut, it won't hurt" and sometimes I do. But for me this whole thing is about achieving a lifestyle I can continue with and so I am still eating a donut here and there, still having a square of chocolate. If I deprived myself completely I would end up binging. I know myself. Anyhow, dont give up. Ignore the comments. After a few weeks he will realise that you are going to do this with or without him. Hopefully you will end up being an example. My husband actually went walking with me last week. I was surprised, I didn't think he would and I didn't press the matter. He also takes the kids so I can fit time in for my exercise. I am exercising at least an hour a day, usually two. So when he is home he will take the kids to the library, or the park so I can have that time for me. While he isn't my cheerleader yet, at least he isn't the devil on my shoulder anymore lol.0
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You know what they say...Actions speak louder than words! I'm guessing you have tried dieting in the past and it hasn't worked or you didn't stick with it. He has seen this behaviour and to him it only leads to one place, failure. However when you decide that this time IS the last time, your actions and subsequent results will speak volumes!
Is it possible that he is insecure as well, thinking that when you lose weight you may not be interested in him any longer? Maybe he wants to try too but is unable to ask you how. My hubby has always been quietly supportive and has seen my past efforts fail, however this time has been different. And as I am losing the weight, my body is changing and he sees a change in my emotional well being, he asked and has started using MFP.
So you do what you have to do in order to make YOU happy first. Then as others around you see the changes, they will come around to your way of thinking. Good luck, you can and you will do this!0 -
I can so feel your pain....My husband thinks when I am trying to lose weight is because I am going to leave him...so he starts bringing me home chocolate as a "treat" just to sabotage my diet...My advice...stay strong and show him what you can accomplish.. You never know, seeing your progress might just motivate him to get up off the couch..0
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Yes sadly this happens a lot. My husband is also a good guy but he doesn't help much in the diet dept either. He often suggests going out to my fave resturants knowing it will be hard for me to stick to my diet. Also a couple nights after he gets out of work he'll suggest going out for ice cream. When he sees me eating less or better choice foods, I get *is that all your eating?* or *you can have more than that* or *I don't know why you don't just eat what I'm having*. My DAILY allowance of calories is his breakfast and half of his lunch combined. (rolling eyes). I expalin that eating like him or eating what I want to eat got me here to begin with.....but it doesn't sink in.
You can't change him- what you can do is stick to your guns and do it for YOU and no one else. There's a chance he'll come around and maybe want to lose weight himself someday?
I've learned that I need to do this for me and let what my hubby says roll off me. The more he sees he's not going to deter me with his comments the less he says (it took a while tho)
Also- look to your friends on here to motivate you!
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Difficult to answer. I had a very negative husband and we're divorced now :-x
OTOH, I just happened to see a video yesterday on dealing with negative people in our lives. I hope it helps, here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWKNGVRlgdk&feature=share 0 -
In the main, my husband is a pretty good guy. The problem I always seem to face when I try to lose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle is the snide comments from him and the general 'I don't know why you're bothering' attitude. It's very disheartening and hurtful and now that I'm at day five here at MFP it has started up again. He's noticed me making the usual little changes and his comment this morning was "So, you're back to counting out 35 mini wheats again?".
I think it stems from the fact that he is also obese but not willing AT ALL to put any effort into making the 'crazy-*kitten*' changes that can be necessary to losing weight. I think he wants me to stay fat with him...
I really want to make this work this time but how do you stay positive and motivated when you have your family dragging you backwards?
Just feeling really discouraged and in need of a little advice and a cheering section.
my spouse isnt supportive of anything I do..good or bad...so i just motivate myself, or now I have some great mfp firends, thrive from their support :-)0 -
I'm sorry your husband is not supportive. It seems like he is not ready to change, so your changing brings up negative feelings in him. It'd be a good idea to not take what he says personally (easier said than done, I know), and -as others suggested- let him know how hurtful it is for you when he says those things.
It wouldn't hurt either to find support outside of the relationship. Best of luck!0 -
I can so feel your pain....My husband thinks when I am trying to lose weight is because I am going to leave him...so he starts bringing me home chocolate as a "treat" just to sabotage my diet...My advice...stay strong and show him what you can accomplish.. You never know, seeing your progress might just motivate him to get up off the couch..
That was in the 1st thing that thought when reading this post, insecurity. Try talking to him to see if this is the case then encourage him to join you on this journey. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for you.0 -
Its a tricky one - but just keep reminding yourself who you're doing this for. Its not him! Its YOU!
Use this site as your support .
If he says something sarcastic or "*****y" just smile - waggle your Butt in front of him and say "but think of what this would look like with some pounds off - wouldn't you like to get your hands on that??!!" or something. Don't let him see that his comments are getting to you.
Come on here and vent!!!!0 -
I would encourage you to say very little about your plans- and what your goals are- and just let the results speak for themselves. I wouldn't categorize my hubby as being not supportive- but apathetic- OH YEAH... comes from years of hearing me do a LOT of talking and little action...I get the "yeah yeah, heard that before..."
so when I started on this journey, I decided to do it "in secret" per se. Obviously he noticed at dinner time, just said I am watching what I'm eating and didn't get into a discussion about it.
He watched me go for walks after dinner, and after about 2 weeks, got a little curious. Just matter-of-factly said I'm taking control of my health, that's all.
10 weeks into this and he's starting to ask questions. He's been trying my low cal snacks- and I've been sharing them. I'm now sharing what I'm learning about food choices and he's starting to make positive comments.
I am sorry this is happening to you- and I really hope things change for you. It's really hard, but please don't let it discourage you from doing what you NEED to do for your own health.
I just would encourage you to say little, and just keep your eyes on your goals.
I'd love to cheer you on- feel free to add me to your list of friends if you wish.
AND- if someone along the way tempts you with a treat- just reply "HEY, WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU WORKING FOR ANYHOW?" That one makes them think.0 -
I can so feel your pain....My husband thinks when I am trying to lose weight is because I am going to leave him...so he starts bringing me home chocolate as a "treat" just to sabotage my diet...My advice...stay strong and show him what you can accomplish.. You never know, seeing your progress might just motivate him to get up off the couch..
That was in the 1st thing that thought when reading this post, insecurity. Try talking to him to see if this is the case then encourage him to join you on this journey. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for you.0 -
Its a tricky one - but just keep reminding yourself who you're doing this for. Its not him! Its YOU!
Use this site as your support .
If he says something sarcastic or "*****y" just smile - waggle your Butt in front of him and say "but think of what this would look like with some pounds off - wouldn't you like to get your hands on that??!!" or something. Don't let him see that his comments are getting to you.
Come on here and vent!!!!0 -
I'M IN THE SAME SITUATION
MY HUSBAND MAKES SNIDE COMMENTS ALL THE TIME AND ITS ALL I CAN DO TO IGNORE HIM AND STAY FOCUSED ON WHATS BEST FOR ME AND MY KIDS. I USE EVERYONE ON MFP, PRAYER AND MY BEST FRIEND AS MY SUPPORT SYSTEM. IT'S NOT EASY BUT YOU CAN DO IT..GOOD LUCK SWEETIE !!! 0 -
I would encourage you to say very little about your plans- and what your goals are- and just let the results speak for themselves. I wouldn't categorize my hubby as being not supportive- but apathetic- OH YEAH... comes from years of hearing me do a LOT of talking and little action...I get the "yeah yeah, heard that before..."
so when I started on this journey, I decided to do it "in secret" per se. Obviously he noticed at dinner time, just said I am watching what I'm eating and didn't get into a discussion about it.
He watched me go for walks after dinner, and after about 2 weeks, got a little curious. Just matter-of-factly said I'm taking control of my health, that's all.
10 weeks into this and he's starting to ask questions. He's been trying my low cal snacks- and I've been sharing them. I'm now sharing what I'm learning about food choices and he's starting to make positive comments.
I am sorry this is happening to you- and I really hope things change for you. It's really hard, but please don't let it discourage you from doing what you NEED to do for your own health.
I just would encourage you to say little, and just keep your eyes on your goals.
I'd love to cheer you on- feel free to add me to your list of friends if you wish.
This is exactly what has happened to me! Now my other half has joined! Because he's seen the results and he's feeling left out!0 -
I have family that are not supportive at times as well. It does make it difficult at times but I work around it. That's what makes me stronger. That's why I have all of you to support me. I go on here knowing people will support me because on here everyone wants to lose weight.0
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It can be pretty difficult to argue and question good rationale and cold, hard facts. My I suggest you start with making him aware of the reasons why you are doing what you are doing. I am going to take a wild guess but I am sure your reasons for doing it are health and wellness reasons. Ie. you want to feel better, look better, live longer for yourself, for you kids, family, etc. You can't argue that.
Secondly, I would then give him one or two eye dropping facts about where his life, your life might be headed if you continue on this path of not so healthy eating habits.
You could give him the COLD, hard facts. People who live a healthy lifestyle that includes a balance of exercise, proper diet live a happier, longer life. Secondly, you could live a really good life and eat pretty much most of the same stuff on a diet. You just need to watch portions, calories and mix in some exercise. It is that easy.
Then you ask him for this support. Say it in a calm, rationale way that he would feel like a total idiot if he didn't apologize and say YES, I will support you 100%.
Then invite him to join you or issue him a challenge. He may say no, but you've planted the seed....he'll need to come to the same realization that you did before he starts on the road to a healthy life style. If he says yes, get going set each of your targets and track in on this program, cheer each other on and away you go.
If this sounds like total nonsense...don't try it. All I could say is keep motivating yourself, set your targets and hang around family, friends and co-workers who support everything you do.
Keep on Rocking!
Michael
I think this calls for a good old fashion challenge.0 -
Girl stand up for yourself and go "***** mode" and let him have it next time he does it. That is unacceptable behavior for him. Tell him to take his insecurities and chew on it himself. Not cool at all.0
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My advice is to not say nothing. My guess is that you have spoken to him in the past and it hasn't changed a thing. You have to now rely on yourself for your man support and motivation period. You have to find that inner strength to take on all the snide remarks and brush them off like dust. I know its easier said than done. I know this. You will have to work at this everyday. Come on this site to for extra support. Find a local weight loss group in your area for some additional support. Remember those that are closes to us can hurt us the most but how long do you think he will keep at it as long as you ignore it? A week...two weeks...a month? You know how our mother's use to tell us to ignore the bully because he will eventually get bored...never let them see you sweat....well when he starts up sing your favorite song in your head...put a little smile on your face and remember why you are doing this...its for you. Not him. Don't let him see you upset because then he knows he is in your head. Find ways to ignore him without letting him know what you are doing. When he says something change the subject. Him: Oh you are counting the shredded wheats again? You: Oh shoot I forgot to call *insert name* yesterday? Gotta make sure I do that today. So are you doing to do *insert something here* today?
This is just a tactic that I've learned over the years because I have some arguementive people in my family. Instead of entertaining them I just brush it off. Its taken some time to learn but its effective.0 -
My husband is not supportive either. He insists on keeping chips and such in the house, and gets irritated when I go to the gym. He can do this with me if he wants, but I really don't care. I keep hoping that as he sees me get more fit and less fat he might decided to join me in this battle, but if not that is his choice. For me the motivation and support from my friends on MFP and a couple of co-workers helps keep my going. I know my husband knows what he should do, but isn't ready or willing to do anything about it yet. Best wishes!0
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as im in a similiar situation id say the best thing to do is lead by example. I know its counter intuitive but dont expect support from your spouse in this. Alot of times when others have not changed their mindset about something its hard for them to understand and they resist change. But you keep pushing and making changes and after while he will come on board. My wife is same wah doesnt help me at all doesnt get my addiction to working out but i keep going and slowly shes coming this way 0
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I have read every response to this thread, and I am shocked at how many of you are not supported by your husband and family. My heart really breaks for you. I have a wonderful husband who is my biggest cheerleader. He checks with me often to see what weight I'm currently at, often texts me just to say how proud he is of me for making a healthy choice for me and our family, and is just all around my biggest fan.
One thing I think you are going to have to do is something I did for a very different reason. I wrote a letter (because I am much better with writing than talking) explaining to my husband and 3 children WHY I was making these changes, WHY I wanted to live a healthy lifestyle and how much they meant to me. I focused on the positive trait of each of my children...who I have had the biggest trouble getting on board with this and asked them to join me on this journey. With them being kids they really didn't have a choice, but they didn't know that.
Here is an excerpt of the letter:
"It is no secret that I have drastically changed the way I have been eating and preparing our meals. This goes way beyond food. I consider everything I put in my mouth whether it is food or drink. I did this because I love each and every one of you so much that I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving any of you earlier than God needs me due to my unhealthy style of living. Kyle, I want to be your wife for a very long time. I want us to be that little old couple that still holds hands and sits outside on nice days in a rocker enjoying the weather and waving to people who pass by. Emily, Jonathan & Jesse, I want to be your mom, and enjoy what childhood you have left. I want to be that energetic mom that can keep up with you and have a lot of fun with you. I want to be around until you are parents of your own children, and be that grandma that does cool things with their grandkids. I want to sit in a rocker and rock my grandbabies because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to because I have lived such an unhealthy lifestyle. "
I think this really comes down to how bad you want this. If you want it bad enough there is nothing and no one in this world that can stop you. Yes, it would be better with the support of your husband and family, and you CAN do this without them. You have an awesome support system here that you can use. In the words of my therapist, "People can feed you poision on a paper plate...it doesn't mean you have to eat it. And please, for the sake of your own sanity, stop going to the desert for a drink of water." Basically if you are thirsty for water, go to where you know there is a teeming stream, not the to the middle of the Saharah. Take back your power and control. I have all the confidence in the world that you can do this!!!
Good luck and huggs0
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