What do you do when your spouse is not supportive?

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alison_cpb
alison_cpb Posts: 23
in Motivation and Support
In the main, my husband is a pretty good guy. The problem I always seem to face when I try to lose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle is the snide comments from him and the general 'I don't know why you're bothering' attitude. It's very disheartening and hurtful and now that I'm at day five here at MFP it has started up again. He's noticed me making the usual little changes and his comment this morning was "So, you're back to counting out 35 mini wheats again?".

I think it stems from the fact that he is also obese but not willing AT ALL to put any effort into making the 'crazy-*kitten*' changes that can be necessary to losing weight. I think he wants me to stay fat with him...

I really want to make this work this time but how do you stay positive and motivated when you have your family dragging you backwards?

Just feeling really discouraged and in need of a little advice and a cheering section.
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Replies

  • cpbarrett
    cpbarrett Posts: 33 Member
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    bump
  • misscristie
    misscristie Posts: 643 Member
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    You lay the smack down on him! You tell him that you're doing this for both of you and he's either going to support you or you're going to ignore him. Then, you just prove his negative *kitten* wrong.
  • Angela4Health
    Angela4Health Posts: 1,319 Member
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    You lay the smack down on him! You tell him that you're doing this for both of you and he's either going to support you or you're going to ignore him. Then, you just prove his negative *kitten* wrong.


    YESSS!!! ^^^^ THIS!!!! Don't let his comments bring you down ( I know, easier said than done) but instead allow the thoughts to fuel your determination and prove him wrong!
  • nibor
    nibor Posts: 57 Member
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    Find a friend to help keep you motivated. I'm sure its disheartening when your spouse doesn't want to see you improve yourself. Try to keep a positive attitude (which is difficult) but finding someone who wants to workout with you and support you can be found here on MFP. Good luck and I'm sure you'll get all kinds of support here. I'll be here.....
  • Barelmy
    Barelmy Posts: 590 Member
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    Try saying "What a nasty thing to say!" in a surprised voice, every time he makes a comment. Then ignore him.

    Of course, you should take my advice with a pinch of salt. I'm not married.;p
  • marylouise86
    marylouise86 Posts: 43 Member
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    i feel for you i really do, i live with my mother who is also over weight and the comments have already started from her. when we were out shopping she made a huge deal that we couldnt eat at our normal cafe (fry ups galore! ugh!) and i never heard the end of it!
    it is tough and like you it is really upsetting me...so you arent alone. not sure what to do about it though either!
  • redmenace22
    redmenace22 Posts: 9 Member
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    That is a shame but you can NOT make someone else want something no matter how much you ask, insist, or try to guilt them into action. My suggestion would be to lead by example. Once he sees you dropping pounds, showing more energy, looking and feeling better, he may find the motivation he is lacking now.

    But be prepared for him to never come around (Change is very tough for anyone) and find another support system. A co-worker, neighbor, friend, social media connection, etc.
  • Apriljoynes
    Apriljoynes Posts: 8 Member
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    Best thing to do try and get him to join you then you both can support each other!
  • blueocean52811
    blueocean52811 Posts: 83 Member
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    Well you came to the right place for the support. Just keep doing what you do and try not let him get to you. When you need help just keep talking with us and we will help you through. Feel free to add me. Plus I have a brother who is obese as well and he does not want to lose weight either, but I'm lucky that he doesn't say to much, just brings crap into the house, but I can pass on them.
  • pocomama
    pocomama Posts: 93 Member
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    My husband has gained 150 pounds since we were married. It is so hard for me to watch him do this to himself. I am overweight but I am trying really hard to change. In the past he was not supportive at all, and the same thing happened this time. But I am on approximately day 50 and down 21 pounds and he is starting to get it. I think in the beginning he was worried that this would be forced upon him. But I make all of the same dinners, I buy the same things at the store. I am making changes for me and not forcing them upon my family. Once he realised that this was something I was doing for myself he became more supportive. Every once in a while he says something like "here, just eat this donut, it won't hurt" and sometimes I do. But for me this whole thing is about achieving a lifestyle I can continue with and so I am still eating a donut here and there, still having a square of chocolate. If I deprived myself completely I would end up binging. I know myself. Anyhow, dont give up. Ignore the comments. After a few weeks he will realise that you are going to do this with or without him. Hopefully you will end up being an example. My husband actually went walking with me last week. I was surprised, I didn't think he would and I didn't press the matter. He also takes the kids so I can fit time in for my exercise. I am exercising at least an hour a day, usually two. So when he is home he will take the kids to the library, or the park so I can have that time for me. While he isn't my cheerleader yet, at least he isn't the devil on my shoulder anymore lol.
  • redfroggie
    redfroggie Posts: 591 Member
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    You know what they say...Actions speak louder than words! I'm guessing you have tried dieting in the past and it hasn't worked or you didn't stick with it. He has seen this behaviour and to him it only leads to one place, failure. However when you decide that this time IS the last time, your actions and subsequent results will speak volumes!

    Is it possible that he is insecure as well, thinking that when you lose weight you may not be interested in him any longer? Maybe he wants to try too but is unable to ask you how. My hubby has always been quietly supportive and has seen my past efforts fail, however this time has been different. And as I am losing the weight, my body is changing and he sees a change in my emotional well being, he asked and has started using MFP.

    So you do what you have to do in order to make YOU happy first. Then as others around you see the changes, they will come around to your way of thinking. Good luck, you can and you will do this!
  • Kat5343
    Kat5343 Posts: 451 Member
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    I can so feel your pain....My husband thinks when I am trying to lose weight is because I am going to leave him...so he starts bringing me home chocolate as a "treat" just to sabotage my diet...My advice...stay strong and show him what you can accomplish.. You never know, seeing your progress might just motivate him to get up off the couch..
  • VSgirl2010
    VSgirl2010 Posts: 145 Member
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    Yes sadly this happens a lot. My husband is also a good guy but he doesn't help much in the diet dept either. He often suggests going out to my fave resturants knowing it will be hard for me to stick to my diet. Also a couple nights after he gets out of work he'll suggest going out for ice cream. When he sees me eating less or better choice foods, I get *is that all your eating?* or *you can have more than that* or *I don't know why you don't just eat what I'm having*. My DAILY allowance of calories is his breakfast and half of his lunch combined. (rolling eyes). I expalin that eating like him or eating what I want to eat got me here to begin with.....but it doesn't sink in.

    You can't change him- what you can do is stick to your guns and do it for YOU and no one else. There's a chance he'll come around and maybe want to lose weight himself someday?

    I've learned that I need to do this for me and let what my hubby says roll off me. The more he sees he's not going to deter me with his comments the less he says (it took a while tho)

    Also- look to your friends on here to motivate you! :smile:
  • CoachMaritova
    CoachMaritova Posts: 409 Member
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    Difficult to answer. I had a very negative husband and we're divorced now :-x

    OTOH, I just happened to see a video yesterday on dealing with negative people in our lives. I hope it helps, here's the link:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWKNGVRlgdk&feature=share
  • bluefox9er
    bluefox9er Posts: 2,917 Member
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    In the main, my husband is a pretty good guy. The problem I always seem to face when I try to lose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle is the snide comments from him and the general 'I don't know why you're bothering' attitude. It's very disheartening and hurtful and now that I'm at day five here at MFP it has started up again. He's noticed me making the usual little changes and his comment this morning was "So, you're back to counting out 35 mini wheats again?".

    I think it stems from the fact that he is also obese but not willing AT ALL to put any effort into making the 'crazy-*kitten*' changes that can be necessary to losing weight. I think he wants me to stay fat with him...

    I really want to make this work this time but how do you stay positive and motivated when you have your family dragging you backwards?

    Just feeling really discouraged and in need of a little advice and a cheering section.

    my spouse isnt supportive of anything I do..good or bad...so i just motivate myself, or now I have some great mfp firends, thrive from their support :-)
  • Papillon22
    Papillon22 Posts: 1,160 Member
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    I'm sorry your husband is not supportive. It seems like he is not ready to change, so your changing brings up negative feelings in him. It'd be a good idea to not take what he says personally (easier said than done, I know), and -as others suggested- let him know how hurtful it is for you when he says those things.

    It wouldn't hurt either to find support outside of the relationship. Best of luck!
  • rlelliott08
    rlelliott08 Posts: 29 Member
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    I can so feel your pain....My husband thinks when I am trying to lose weight is because I am going to leave him...so he starts bringing me home chocolate as a "treat" just to sabotage my diet...My advice...stay strong and show him what you can accomplish.. You never know, seeing your progress might just motivate him to get up off the couch..

    That was in the 1st thing that thought when reading this post, insecurity. Try talking to him to see if this is the case then encourage him to join you on this journey. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for you.
  • charliebird
    charliebird Posts: 168 Member
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    Its a tricky one - but just keep reminding yourself who you're doing this for. Its not him! Its YOU!

    Use this site as your support .

    If he says something sarcastic or "*****y" just smile - waggle your Butt in front of him and say "but think of what this would look like with some pounds off - wouldn't you like to get your hands on that??!!" or something. Don't let him see that his comments are getting to you.

    Come on here and vent!!!!
  • Jill_newimprovedversion
    Jill_newimprovedversion Posts: 988 Member
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    I would encourage you to say very little about your plans- and what your goals are- and just let the results speak for themselves. I wouldn't categorize my hubby as being not supportive- but apathetic- OH YEAH... comes from years of hearing me do a LOT of talking and little action...I get the "yeah yeah, heard that before..."
    so when I started on this journey, I decided to do it "in secret" per se. Obviously he noticed at dinner time, just said I am watching what I'm eating and didn't get into a discussion about it.
    He watched me go for walks after dinner, and after about 2 weeks, got a little curious. Just matter-of-factly said I'm taking control of my health, that's all.
    10 weeks into this and he's starting to ask questions. He's been trying my low cal snacks- and I've been sharing them. I'm now sharing what I'm learning about food choices and he's starting to make positive comments.

    I am sorry this is happening to you- and I really hope things change for you. It's really hard, but please don't let it discourage you from doing what you NEED to do for your own health.
    I just would encourage you to say little, and just keep your eyes on your goals.

    I'd love to cheer you on- feel free to add me to your list of friends if you wish.
    :smile:

    AND- if someone along the way tempts you with a treat- just reply "HEY, WHO'S SIDE ARE YOU WORKING FOR ANYHOW?" That one makes them think.
  • rlelliott08
    rlelliott08 Posts: 29 Member
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    I can so feel your pain....My husband thinks when I am trying to lose weight is because I am going to leave him...so he starts bringing me home chocolate as a "treat" just to sabotage my diet...My advice...stay strong and show him what you can accomplish.. You never know, seeing your progress might just motivate him to get up off the couch..

    That was in the 1st thing that thought when reading this post, insecurity. Try talking to him to see if this is the case then encourage him to join you on this journey. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for you.

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