How can I start doing this for ME?

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treecechapman
treecechapman Posts: 4 Member
edited September 2015 in Motivation and Support
Hello, I have been following others on here for a while but never contributed before - please be gentle with me........ :)

I have quite an unusual one (no judgement please) in that, initially (and I'm talking twenty years ago) I started trying to lose weight "for" my husband. I am aware of the whole feminism/fat shaming/self confidence arguments about why this is a bad idea (believe me!) and have realised over the years this does not work (duh!) but my issue is this....before, because I was doing it for him, I would eat in secret. It would look from the outside like I was having yogurt for breakfast, soup or salad for lunch and then a low fat/low carb dinner as well as doing regular exercise. This got to the point that my husband suggested I go to the docs to see if there's anything wrong because HOW COULD I NOT BE LOSING WEIGHT??? I knew how though.....as soon as he left the house (or even the ROOM sometimes) I'd start eating. He's at work, I'm eating, he's in the shower, I'm eating....you get the idea. I just didn't want him to be disapponted in me or think I wasn't trying :(

Anyway, now I am at a place where I feel I want to lose some weight (just for me) but I can't seem to break this "secret eating" habit. It seems like it's just too ingrained. As soon as I have time to myself, I feel that urge. I even started talking to myself, out loud to try and overcome it but I'm struggling. I would really appreciate some honest help and suggestions. Thanks for listening.

Replies

  • cassandrabelleg
    cassandrabelleg Posts: 1 Member
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    I don't think your situation is unusual at all, in fact many people try to lose weight for others. You've made a very positive decision in that you are now on a journey to make yourself healthy! That is the most important thing, that this is for you.

    The secret eating is something that is more than likely a mental thing.
    If I could give a couple suggestions, please feel free to take what you wish from this.
    Listen to what your body tells you, are you physically hungry or is it emotional?
    Are you bored? If this is the case, I usually drink a glass of water and do some light exercise(even walking around the house) and the craving feeling diminishes.
    Make sure you are getting enough sleep.
    Exercise, this not only helps to lose weight but also boost energy and mood.
    Keep a food journal. You may feel more accountable to your goals if write it down. And don't focus on deprivation in your eating, focus on moderation and eating healthy.

    Hopefully some of this helps! :smile:
  • Lizzy622
    Lizzy622 Posts: 3,705 Member
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    Learn to love yourself right now exactly the way your are. What are your greatest attributes - nice smile, gorgeous hair, great sense of humor. Now to make all those great things about you better and last longer, you can get yourself to be healthier.
  • dragonfire12601
    dragonfire12601 Posts: 166 Member
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    You definitely have to love yourself. Even if you are working on it you have to get into that mindset of doing this for you. Think about where you are now. Now think if you keep up with this lifestyle where you will be in 5 or 10 years. If you don't like it, use that as motivation. They say the first couple weeks are the hardest. Sooner or later it becomes second nature. Feel free to add me!
  • mbaker566
    mbaker566 Posts: 11,233 Member
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    how do you start to do this? decide you are worth it. tell yourself in the mirror every morning and every night.
  • nm212
    nm212 Posts: 570 Member
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    Try to replace your urges to eat with a fun activity! Maybe force yourself outside to take a walk and see if the cravings are still there after. Usually, if you start to exercise, your cravings go down and you may reach for an Apple instead of the other thing you were craving earlier.

    ALSO Keep a journal!! This doesn't have to be about food logging! Write down your feelings in that moment and what your going through! Write down angry feelings, why you secretly eat when husband isn't watching, any pressure you felt from him, maybe you even need to talk to him about it honestly!! Sometimes to break a pattern, you need to face the issue head on! Know that he still supports you and wants you to be happy! Women can be hard on themselves.

    Or think about seeing a Counselor and going to therapy about it. It might help.

    You can do this! You need to love yourself again cause it sounds like your self esteem has erroded. I've been in a similar situation and it's hard. You need to focus on healing this problem first inside of yourself before anything else. Otherwise, the pattern can creep up on you again.

    Much luck to you dear!
  • sugarplum181
    sugarplum181 Posts: 10 Member
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    treecechapman wrote: »
    Hello, I have been following others on here for a while but never contributed before - please be gentle with me........ :)

    I have quite an unusual one (no judgement please) in that, initially (and I'm talking twenty years ago) I started trying to lose weight "for" my husband. I am aware of the whole feminism/fat shaming/self confidence arguments about why this is a bad idea (believe me!) and have realised over the years this does not work (duh!) but my issue is this....before, because I was doing it for him, I would eat in secret. It would look from the outside like I was having yogurt for breakfast, soup or salad for lunch and then a low fat/low carb dinner as well as doing regular exercise. This got to the point that my husband suggested I go to the docs to see if there's anything wrong because HOW COULD I NOT BE LOSING WEIGHT??? I knew how though.....as soon as he left the house (or even the ROOM sometimes) I'd start eating. He's at work, I'm eating, he's in the shower, I'm eating....you get the idea. I just didn't want him to be disapponted in me or think I wasn't trying :(

    Anyway, now I am at a place where I feel I want to lose some weight (just for me) but I can't seem to break this "secret eating" habit. It seems like it's just too ingrained. As soon as I have time to myself, I feel that urge. I even started talking to myself, out loud to try and overcome it but I'm struggling. I would really appreciate some honest help and suggestions. Thanks for listening.

    Hi I've sent you a friend request with a wee message, I used to be the same
  • NoIdea101NoIdea
    NoIdea101NoIdea Posts: 659 Member
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    Secret eating can be difficult to break, but it can be done! I used to get terrible anxiety eating in front of people, to the stage where I would buy a burger from the work cafeteria, and then go on a mile long walk down to the park where no-one would see me eating it (as well as the standard consume 3000 calories as soon as I was in my room alone). It got pretty ridiculous.

    I found a lot of it came from the fear of judgement, especially where I was in a relationship with a guy who barely ate anything, and made me feel self conscious about eating. Does your partner still talk to you about him wanting you to lose weight? Do you feel guilty eating in front of him?

    If so, I would recommend talking to him about it; you can tell him you know it sounds silly, but you want him to take it seriously as you really do want to lose the weight. Then focus on feeling comfortable eating around him/others. I started off by eating little and often, so my partner would cook dinner which he would wolf down, but I would have it in two or three parts. I was still consuming the same amount of calories rather than eating extra, but it just helped relieve me of any anxiety about eating in front of another person (specifically my partner) when he wasn't eating. Now I will quite happily raid the fridge with him around. I may be completely off the mark with your situation, but I hope that helps in some way-good luck!
  • treecechapman
    treecechapman Posts: 4 Member
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    Thank you all so much - isn't it silly how we all think we're the only ones? I'm literally in tears just because of a few messages of support. I really, really appreciate all your advice and will start trying to think more positively about myself.

    I have spoken to my husband and..............he says all the right things but......it's the old adage - you focus more on the negative feedback you get and, even when that has gone, the way it made you feel stays.

    I have had a good day today (my first in a long time) and am feeling happy so thanks again everyone - you'll probably never realise the impact your words have had, first time I've reached out and all I've had in return is love and support - THANK YOU :)
  • wolverine66
    wolverine66 Posts: 3,779 Member
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    this is where logging became so important for me. Because, before, you were secretly eating because your husband would hold you accountable. Now, since you are doing it for yourself, YOU have to hold yourself accountable. And the way to do that, for me, was logging.

    I caught myself secretly eating by being honest in my log. And, over time, it lessened. Seeing the red number was not a good time for me.

    It's a hard habit to break, but step one is holding yourself accountable.
  • treecechapman
    treecechapman Posts: 4 Member
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    Thanks Wolverine, you're right I need to take responsibility for my own actions.
  • angelabethb
    angelabethb Posts: 33 Member
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    I'm having the same problem. I don't secret eat for my boyfriend, but just for others in general. If my roommate is out of town, I stock up on sweets! It's ridiculous. Logging your food is definitely key. And think about exercising as stress relief. I'm a crazy stress eater. But think about food as being your fuel for life, not as therapy.
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
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    In addition to eating lower calories and logging those calories, start doing other things for yourself. When your life and your decisions are about your own needs, you are happier and more successful <3
  • lseed87
    lseed87 Posts: 1,105 Member
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    More water
    take a walk or some form of exercise that you don't hate
    try to get out of the house but that could backfire if you eat out?
    Hang out with friends or make new ones
    Think of one thing a day that you like about yourself
    Figure out tdee to find out what amount of calories you should eat
    think of why you eat behind his back. Seems like boredom but might be some underlying stuff too.
    Take pictures or measurements since the scale isn't always your best friend
    meal planning might be a big help
    enjoy foods in moderation
    lifestyle change. Diets don't always work out.
  • Untilproud11
    Untilproud11 Posts: 297 Member
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    Im the same
    In tears now
    Thx for all replies

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