Unsupportive spouse...help!

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My husband doesn't realize he is trying sabotaging me.....but he does all the time. He says he is totally supportive and thinks it's awesome I'm working really hard to lose weight one minute, and the next he is bringing home junk food and complaining about healthy meals since he's "not in the mood" for it.

How do you deal? Any advice? I am DETERMINED as hell to do it this time and I am choosing to resist the salami, huge hoagie rolls, bags of chips (yes, bags) and ice cream he just walked through the door with.

Right now I am feeling hurt since last night we talked about my goals and what I need from him. Then he turns around and does this! It feels like he is not intentionally sabotaging, it's more like he loves his junk food and does not want to give up no matter how hard it is for me to resist putting that crap in my mouth. I just told him how I felt and he doesn't get it. :explode:

Thanks for reading.

Replies

  • patio1313
    patio1313 Posts: 169 Member
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    That really is a sucky thing to feel. What I have done...Is my wife and I have an understanding. We have an almost 9 year old son. So I told her that I am fine with them having junk food in the house since I do not want them to have to sacrifice "treats" just because I have to. But when it comes to dinners...We try to plan the week out ahead of time together...Then that way we first off know what need to buy for groceries each week, and then there are no surpirses for anyone. This is what we are having...If you are not in the mood for it then go make something for yourself.

    Not sure if this will work for you r help but we have found that it is alot easier to know a week ahead what we are doing each night for dinners.
  • sblair77
    sblair77 Posts: 355 Member
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    My husband does the same thing. I ignore his junk food and when he gets it out to eat I grab some veggies and dip instead. When he makes pizza and crappy foods I make healthy ones.

    Basically it is each for their own with meals in my house. I eat what I want and he eats what he wants.

    I see his junk food as a test and that makes me more stubborn and focused on my determination not to indulge.
  • Kelblue1
    Kelblue1 Posts: 139 Member
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    I don't know exactly what you mean cuz mine is supportive but at the same time he does not need to lose and so I still buy things for him and my son that I don't need. I think you just do have to be strong and pass things up somtimes. I wish you the best.
  • Ervie317
    Ervie317 Posts: 179 Member
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    I am so sorry that he is not doing a better job of supporting you. My boyfriend is currently dieting for a bodybuilding competition and has to cut his food way down. When he was starting his diet I told him that I would diet as well to make it easier for him. He used to be a trainer at the local Gold's so he set me up with a diet and I have stayed with it for the most part and have only strayed when he is not around and not talked to him about it. He says that it really helps him to have me dieting with him because I am not trying him to get him that is off his diet when I don't want to eat according to mine. I don't know how you can get your husband to want to jump on board with you to eat healthy but I hope that some day he realizes that just saying you support someone isn't always supporting them.
  • angryguy77
    angryguy77 Posts: 836 Member
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    wish I could help, I have a similar problem. My wife is pregnant so I can't blame her of having my goals at the top of her list.
    I'm not upset with her at all, but it add a degree of difficulty.
  • heidi_79
    heidi_79 Posts: 27
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    Sadly I dont have advice but I know how you feel :( I have the same battle!!
  • janalayn
    janalayn Posts: 510 Member
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    Sorry sweetie ... it sucks when you can't get the support you need at home ... I totally understand. I would suggest that you divide up space in the cabinets and fridge and tell him if he wants junk, he needs to put it up where you don't have to see it ... and if he doesn't like the "healthy" meal you have cooked, he can feel free to cook whatever he wants and clean up after it. Stand up for yourself. And reach out on MFP when you need to rant ... we all struggle with something (or someone)
  • uberbusymomma
    uberbusymomma Posts: 37 Member
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    I know EXACTLY how you feel. My husband thinks he is supportive because he tells me I am doing so good blah, blah, blah. Then he goes to the store. I went to the store alone yesterday and did so good, except for the a few things he asked for that I can honestly avoid. Then today he went to the store and bought 3 bags of chips, soda, stuffed crust pizza and no telling what else (I haven't actually looked yet lol). He also wants to eat out ALL THE TIME. We will be out and he will pull into Sonic and then out when I tell him I don't want anything. I have found sugar free gum helps me a lot, but not having the food here would be even better.
  • simplysarahd
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    I love all of your suggestions!! I knew coming here would lift my spirits.

    He does have weight to lose, but he is not interested in losing weight right now which is totally fine. I feel annoyed because I have supported him by making personal sacrifices for him many times and I feel like he is not willing to do the same for me.

    He is a GOOD GUY. I love him tons, he's just clueless sometimes.
  • hroush
    hroush Posts: 2,073 Member
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    My wife does the same thing. She likes her junk food, which I am able to stay away from for the most part or I'll have a little for a snack. One thing I have done is told her is that if she wants it, she'll have to hide it from me because I know if it sits on the table in plain site, I will snack on it.

    What kills me is that she loves to go out to dinner. Friday has become "date night" where we will go out to dinner (not cheap either), I don't want to, but it makes her happy :grumble: . Next weekend we are going home and we'll be eating out for pretty much every meal friday - sunday :noway:
  • tsherb
    tsherb Posts: 6
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    When I started this process, I took over cooking all meals. I have a wife and 9 year old daughter and each like their occassional snack splurges. I have been successful in avoiding their snacks (chips, pretzels, etc). I have focused on my menu for the day which in the early stages I planned out in 3 day increments. Basically as it was said before....we as a family focus on healthy meals (especially dinner....which I cook and prepare). As far as snacks go they are on their own. I don't know if this helps but it is working in our house.
  • DianaPowerUp
    DianaPowerUp Posts: 518 Member
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    Wow. That is hard. I have to say that we do have junk in our house too, b/c my husband (and my kids, but I can control what they eat) love that stuff. I just don't eat it. For me, it's not really an issue of willpower. It USED to be. But then I started eating cleanly, and the better/healthier I ate, the less I wanted/craved the junk. Now I'm at a point where I find that kind of food close to repulsive. If I eat it, I can tell how greasy, artificial, sugary, whatever, it is. And I don't like it. I find (from reading posts here) that that happens to everyone who has been eating cleanly for a while. So if you keep at it, just resist the temptation, it will pass. But the key is that you can't be good all day, and then eat a small bag of chips or cookies at the end of the day. That keeps that craving/temptation alive.

    As for eating differently, or that you're cooking healthy, and he's "not in the mood" for it - that depends a lot on your relationship. With my dh, I just started cooking healthier, making small substitutions, adding more veggies, and he actually wasn't really aware that I was making changes. So for ex. we'd still eat meatloaf, but I'd make it with gr. turkey and put more ground veggies in it. And I'd make a vegetable side, in addition to the mashed potatoes (which I wouldn't eat). Now I'm at the point where I don't even make the potatoes anymore, and he just loads up more on the meatloaf. Better for him that he eats more lean protein and veggies than a lot of starch anyway.

    He did know that I was revamping our diets, but it happened pretty painlessly. Thankfully, he does prefer (at this point) to eat more healthfully. But I can assure you that if he ever told me that he wanted a burger and fries instead of the fish and spinach I'd prepared, I would hand him the car keys, and he can go to McD's if he wants. Or make it himself. I'm not cooking 5 different meals for the 5 of us. I make one meal, that has protein and veggies (sometimes a side of starch for the kids/him), and they can eat it or figure out how to make their own meal.

    I don't know if that helps at all, but you need to do what's right for you and your health, bottom line. And if he loves you, he should support your efforts to become a healthy person, whether he wants to do that himself or not. Btw, my husband is overweight and out of shape. He eats junk all day until he gets home for his good meal, and doesn't exercise. So it's up to me to be the good role model for our kids, so that they learn what good nutrition/health is all about.
  • lucamp
    lucamp Posts: 29 Member
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    It is tough when you do not have the support at home but ultimately you have to learn to overcome those obstacles and make the right choice for yourself. I have struggled with my husband bringing home the snacks that should not be in our house. Eventually as I have lost more and more weight he has gotten better about the support. And even today he decided it was time for him to get moving again and went for a morning walk. I think he is seeing the results and wants the same for himself.

    I think that this time it has been different for me because I have recognized this is about me and no one else. I need to stop and take care of myself first!

    Good Luck!
  • Mixmode
    Mixmode Posts: 332
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    For me, it's out-of-sight, out-of-mind. If it's in the house, in most cases I will eat it. Luckily I do the grocery shopping. But not having a TRUELY supportive spouse does SUCK.
  • merzback
    merzback Posts: 453 Member
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    he's allowed to eat what he wants. Ask him if he will at least hide it from you.
  • GaveUp
    GaveUp Posts: 308
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    I have a husband just like that... I asked him to go to the store for me this morning and he brought me home a Magnum Double Caramel Ice cream bar.... Knowing I don't eat that stuff.

    I just told him he could eat it when he comes home from work tonight. I just made up my mind that I will avoid all of the junk he eats.

    They just don't understand.... I think my hubby just thinks "its only one"

    Just stay strong, don't let it hurt your feelings, he doesn't understand. I know my husband doesn't and if he sees something I would like he likes to just get things for me.....
  • shannonsnail
    shannonsnail Posts: 99 Member
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    same thing here.....I have a really hard time with making good choices when he is in front of me making a bad one....I always cave in to the bad choice because it's so hard!
  • dgilner
    dgilner Posts: 120 Member
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    Living with someone who is not on the same path as you is hard, but that is what life is about - surviving thru some challenging obstacles and coming out stronger on the other side. I remember before I was choosing to be healthy that hanging with people who were healthy already always made me feel a bit guilty. We all get there in our own time. He may (Unconsciously) be worried that you will leave him if you to a healthier place??? Without calling him out on it, I would just keep reassuring him about his position in your life. Maybe you extending that to him will help him to be more supportive to you. My husband still eats crap - and thats ok - he doesnt have a weight issue - his counts are all good. His body tolerates it better than mine. This is about YOU!! Do what you need to do for you.
  • MinnieInMaine
    MinnieInMaine Posts: 6,400 Member
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    I'm in the same boat...kind of. My hubby is supportive but from the beginning I put two rules in place:
    1) I will not make two meals
    2) if he wants junk, he can have it

    So when it came to rule #1, I started to slowly incorporate some new recipes in our routine and tweak the old favorite. Some examples - instead of regular hamburg, I use the leanest I can find (we don't like ground turkey), or bulk up casseroles with more veggies and lower the amount of pasta/rice, or use turkey versions of sausage/pepperoni and low fat dairy products. Most of the time, I wouldn't even mention these changes to hubby and he had no clue. The only complaint was about fat free cheese and I totally agreed with him on that one - the stuff is like plastic!

    As far as rule #2 goes, if he wants junk, it goes up into a high shelf where I can't get it (without assistance) and I also make sure I have low cal/low fat substitutes for these things if they are tempting. Like lite popcorn, 90 cal snack bars and sugar free popcicles. I can still have a treat with him but no waste all my calories on the junkier options he likes.