struggling with husband's attitude

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Taraleigh2929
Taraleigh2929 Posts: 3 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hey Y'all! So I have yo-yo dieted my entire life. Eating disorder at 17 when I thought 130 lbs at 5'9" was far too heavy and only ate apples for 3 months before beginning my senior year in high school. Always had a bit of Body Dismorfia Disorder. I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes in January. Started with the oral meds and diet- I dropped 40 lbs very quickly. Then I had to be put on insulin because the meds and diet just weren't cutting it. I put on 7 lbs because I didn't adjust my amount of eating. So I have just recently gotten back on a pretty strict 1350 calorie diet and daily exercise. My hope is that if I can lose another 20 to 30lbs I may be able to get off the insulin shots. Here's my struggle tho. My husband is a junk food addict and eats like a toddler (pizza, hot dogs, hamburgers, chocolate, Coke, etc). While we cook our own seperate meals at night he is constantly offering me candy bars, and cookies. I am really pretty good about saying no, but it pisses me off that he even offers. But my biggest issue is that he told me that he didn't want me dieting and ruining my life by being miserable not eating good food. Now mind you, the last 3 nights he has wanted to eat my healthy dinner because I let him taste it and he liked it better than his. But I'm the one miserable with my food choices? Hum??? What makes me miserable is eating his crappy food all the time. He also doesn't like slim women and says he likes me better the way I was when we met- 240lbs (I now weigh 168). He is totally against me losing any more weight and does not support my efforts to try to get off this medication. He just tells me to accept it and take my shot. He's normally very loving, supportive, and protective of me- but not when it comes to losing weight. I'm really struggling with this. Any insight?

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  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    You are now within the normal weight range for your height.
    Absolutely he should not be offering you random food as it is going to throw off your blood sugars.
    Have you been offered diabetes education classes? He must attend with you so he gets some understanding what high blood sugars do to you.
    You need an environment where you have total control over the food you are eating, in moderation, all food groups, on time.
    Since you have achieved normal weight for your height (congratulations!) you may experience better control now from regulating portions, controlling when you eat, and exercise.

    Does he like his woman in a wheelchair, blind? This boy needs to wake up.
  • Need2Exerc1se
    Need2Exerc1se Posts: 13,575 Member
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    Wow. He wants you to continue to have an out of control disease that could lead to loss of eyesight, extremities, renal function and life? WTF? I really don't have much advice except that you should do what you know needs to be done to get yourself healthy.

    Best of luck to you.
  • Purplebunnysarah
    Purplebunnysarah Posts: 3,252 Member
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    Your husband is being a donkey. Maybe print out a list of all the risks of poorly controlled diabetes such as blindness and amputation, and ask him if he really wants you to just suck it up and go down that road.

    That being said, are you exercising? I had gestational diabetes (insulin-dependent) during my last pregnancy and a brisk 30-minute walk after eating helped loads with controlling my sugars, to the point where I could 'cheat' on my carbs a bit sometimes and still get good numbers.
  • pootle1972
    pootle1972 Posts: 579 Member
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    One uncle has gone blind and the other had both legs amputated....both couldn't control blood sugars.......yeah I think the man needs a wake up call......fat blind and legless.....hmmmm some hubby.
  • corasam
    corasam Posts: 12 Member
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    What you need is some good communication about your relationship. You have to decide what is a deal breaker for you where his non-support is concerned. He has to decide whether he loves you or the fat you have lost.

    Some men are into chunky women, it's how they are built. If he is one of these, he may not be able to change how he feels about you and your weight loss. If he is not into the thinner you, then you have to decide if you can put up with his behavior because not only will it not change for the better it could get worse.

    Honest communication about what you both need out of a relationship and what attracts you is the only way out this one. The result may be that you have to go your separate ways, or he could realize what really does matter to him where a relationship is concerned.
  • 6502programmer
    6502programmer Posts: 515 Member
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    It's unfortunate he's trying to undermine what you're doing.. You need to talk plainly and honestly with him to figure out what the root of it is. Does your success make him uncomfortable because there's something he knows is good for him that he's not doing? Is it just that he likes you with some meat on your bones? In any case, if you don't get to the bottom of why he's doing this, it is in all likelihood only going to grow worse.

    Truth be told, I'm worried about my marriage and our joint weight loss. I know I love my wife and will always be attracted to her, but the stats are that when one partner loses a significant amount of weight, it does put stress on the relationship. I'm down almost 20 now, she's down 25 pounds now, and I will support her in it to the very end. I'm still 25 pounds from my goal, and she's around 125. Ripped and no curves is not most ladies' goal, but you don't have to be unhealthily overweight to be soft and feminine.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    6502programmer wrote: »
    Truth be told, I'm worried about my marriage and our joint weight loss. I know I love my wife and will always be attracted to her, but the stats are that when one partner loses a significant amount of weight, it does put stress on the relationship. I'm down almost 20 now, she's down 25 pounds now, and I will support her in it to the very end. I'm still 25 pounds from my goal, and she's around 125. Ripped and no curves is not most ladies' goal, but you don't have to be unhealthily overweight to be soft and feminine.

    I was warned about this as well when I undertook my weight loss exercise. I met my hubby when I was a large woman, and I know that is what he likes. I asked him often if my changing shape was changing his feelings for me at all but he denies that. I suspect at our stage in the relationship he really values me as a friend. Saying something that non-sexy is bound to get a reaction, so he doesn't say so out loud.

    So far we're doing good.

    OP, my hubby attended many of my diabetic education classes with me and some of the things there turned him off some foods for life. Like baby food jars full of fat demonstrating how much fat we're consuming with a typical burger with fries meal. Another side benefit, sort of, is that he knows when I'm going off-plan and he'll call me on it. Hubby is very much in to fitness and one of the things he's enjoyed with my enterprise is the healthy eating and his shrinking stomach. So he's on board and doesn't tempt me too often. Every once in a while he needs a fast food fix but now he goes for the healthier options like Subway.

    I think another reason that extreme weight loss puts a strain on relationships is that with the weight loss comes empowerment and opened horizons. I do things these days that I would have never considered in my former life. I'm more confident and outspoken. A neighbour, astounded at my weight loss, even blurted out that hubby better watch, I might stray now! How ignorant. As if I "settled" for my hubby. Hubby's probably right on the money. At this stage we're best friends and companions, well-set up to weather life's storms.
  • 6502programmer
    6502programmer Posts: 515 Member
    edited October 2015
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    @jgnatca I'm pretty sure you hit it dead on: It's a one/two combination of changing body and personal empowerment. The dynamic of the relationship will change as a natural result, both from the loser (heh) feeling more empowered and the non-loser feeling (or more likely, fearing) being less empowered.

    As always in nearly everything relationship-related, open lines of strong communication go a long way towards bridging any gaps and allaying any fears.
  • bodymindmusic
    bodymindmusic Posts: 118 Member
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    everyone hates having a mirror turned on them. you changing means he has to change. - just a struggle of power right now. my husband is supportive overall but for many years I let his junk food habits lead my food choices. it's hard to make change when you're married sometimes. I am 5 years younger and I just decided ok - time to change or I am going to be in big trouble with my health. good luck!
  • kmblank
    kmblank Posts: 43 Member
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    I would have him come with you to your next endocrinology appointment. I'm sure your doctor would be happy to sit down with him and list all the complications associated with being diabetic, along with all the other comorbidities associated with being obese!
  • knelson095
    knelson095 Posts: 254 Member
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    My sisters husband sabotages her efforts, too. I think his stems from insecurities, like he's worried she would lose weight and leave him for someone 'better' because he doesn't have good self esteem. There's many reasons why someone might act this way in this situation. Maybe seeing a marriage counselor would help?
  • Taraleigh2929
    Taraleigh2929 Posts: 3 Member
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    Thanks everyone for your input. I should explain that my diabetes is very well controlled and I am allowed to have the occasional cookie or candy in moderation. He truly doesn't want to see me sick and worries if my sugars get out of wack. As I read through the comments I started to realize something that I guess wasn't clear. He is fine with the weight I am now- he doesn't want me to be 240 lbs again- but admits that is what was atractive to him at the time. But he also doesn't support me trying to lose any more weight. That is where the sabotage comes in. We talked about it last night with our oldest daughter-23yrs old. She is very fit, has been an athlete her whole life, and really has a very pretty, healthy body. I asked her point blank- how much do you weigh? 135lbs and she is 5'7". She and I have very similar body types with just a 2" height difference- I'm taller. So we all discussed that I wanted to get down to 140lbs and came to a collective decision that that might be too low of a weight for me. I have agreed with both of them that I will lose 15lbs and be reevaluated by my doctor, have another A1C drawn, and see what he wants me to do at that point. I have agreed no matter what that I will not go below 150lbs. regardless of whether I have to stay on the insulin shots or not. I also talked with DH about not offering me sweets and that I thought he was trying to sabotage my efforts. He didn't agree that he was but he did appologize and promised to be more mindful. Only time will tell. He did offer last night when I got home from Zumba class to fix me some celery and humus for a snack. So that's a step in the right direction. Hope you all have a great day. Good luck on your journey.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    Thank you for clarifying. Consider in your goal to get off insulin that there are other strategies such as timing your exercise and your meals that could get you better A1C numbers and possibly off insulin.

    You can also experiment with your protein-carb ratios to find that magic balance.

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