"Play date " issue - Mommy advice needed!

TeenaMarina
TeenaMarina Posts: 420 Member
edited September 28 in Chit-Chat
I have an eight-year-old daughter and she has this buddy she loves to play with. I'm not too fond of this kid, however. Not so much the kid, but more the kid's house. When she comes to our house to play she's odd - really odd. I'm starting to wonder if something's up with her home situation. But they play well together. When my child goes to her house to play, she comes home filthy, from being in the house - not outdoors. She begs me to go over there all the time, and wants sleepovers. I can deal with the friend coming over here, but I just have a bad feeling in my stomach every time she goes there.

My question is, what do I do? Keep saying no? My child is starting to think I just don't want her to have any fun. I don't want to be the non-fun mommy. I don't want to choose her friends for her. But I'm running out of excuses as to why she can't go over there. Help!
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Replies

  • cheltseyc
    cheltseyc Posts: 1
    Trust your instincts, they are the most valuable parenting tool any mother has. If you feel uneasy, there's probably a reason.
  • chefchazz
    chefchazz Posts: 427 Member
    when it comes to your kids, go w/ your gut!!!
  • twinsfan1976
    twinsfan1976 Posts: 74
    I am not a parent so I can't really offer much insight, but have you met her parents before? I know I would not let my kid sleepover anywhere if I had never met the parents. Trust your gut though, you are the parent and not a friend. You have to do what is best for her even if its not fun.
  • bmiller211
    bmiller211 Posts: 222 Member
    have you been to this house and talked to the parents to see what the issues might be ? I know that can be a little weird and uncomfortable but it would be the best way to remedy the situation. If you then feel the place isn't good for your daughter you need to take a stand that is why you are the parent and she is the child! Good luck!!
  • anolan807
    anolan807 Posts: 273 Member
    Have you asked her what the home is like? Ask her questions even maybe meet or get to know the parents better of the other child. Go into the home yourself if possible to check it out. These things might help you decide if it is nothing or if you should not have your daughter over there. Parents can't think of themselves as the no fun person. The big picture is your protecting your child and that makes you the good mom no matter what.
  • BassClarinetist
    BassClarinetist Posts: 45
    When you drop your daughter off at her house, walk her up to the door and have a 'casual' conversation with the parent. Then you can take a look around and throw out (or not bring up) the idea of a sleepover. But if this feels to sly, just have a genuine conversation with the other parent about a sleepover and ask any question you need to.
  • abalicious
    abalicious Posts: 361 Member
    Would you rather be the mommy who is "fun" or the mommy who takes extra precautions to protect her child? It sounds a little odd to me as well. Have you met the girls parents? I would do so before allowing her over there again. You never know what could be going on there. I would just check into it and if it seems legit then allow them to play, but I'm not sure about sleepovers at her house. If you're having a bad feeling about something, usually it means something isn't right, so don't ignore that feeling.
  • sammys1girly
    sammys1girly Posts: 1,045 Member
    My mom once told me to follow your gut and look out for your kids, because you are the only one that is. I never let my kids go to anyone's house unless I know the parents pretty well and have gotten together with them a couple times. If I have a weird gut feeling, I just don't let them go. Better be safe than sorry! Maybe try to get together at the park or somewhere with the mom and child and try to get to know her a little and go from there.
  • sassylilmama
    sassylilmama Posts: 1,493 Member
    Perhaps try to schedule a child and mommy get together? Just something to let you see how things are there?
  • froggzy1015
    froggzy1015 Posts: 178 Member
    I would take her over there so you can personally see what the house is like. That is what I would do. I also would get the parents number. This is what I would do personally because I want to feel confident with the people and house my child is going to be at without me. I really don't think any parent, unless they have something to hide, would feel uncomfortable with that. :) I know it's a tough situation.
  • shalma
    shalma Posts: 80
    Keep stalling. I have kids that I don't want my kids around, so I stall or come up with plans so there is no playdate. Eventually they change friends when they havent' played together for awhile.
  • bstamps12
    bstamps12 Posts: 1,184
    I would try to scope the house and family out. If you can pick her up from visiting the friend for a few hours, try to go inside and see what's up. If you don't feel right, you have to just put your foot down and tell your daughter she can invite the friend over to your home for a sleepover but you don't want her sleeping over there until you get to know the family more.
  • sammys1girly
    sammys1girly Posts: 1,045 Member
    I am not a parent so I can't really offer much insight, but have you met her parents before? I know I would not let my kid sleepover anywhere if I had never met the parents. Trust your gut though, you are the parent and not a friend. You have to do what is best for her even if its not fun.

    Totally agree, as a parent it's your job to be the parent, not the friend who gives in to what they want. They don't have the wisdom and experience you have as an adult. They need guidance.
  • j_fattler
    j_fattler Posts: 94 Member
    as a mom myself, I often find myself quoting my mother...as she did with her mother and so on and such forth.

    her favorite quotes were "I was not put on this earth to be your friend. I am your mother and it stays that way!" and "I'm running for the meanest mom on the block award & you are not gonna screw it up for me!"

    My point is, if you are fearful of what she encounters at the other child's house, then you have to protect her, even if she doesn't understand. It is highly unlikely that a friend our child has at 8 years old will remain a friend for life - you're not gonna scar her forever! LOL!!

    The only other thing you could do is have a VERY FRANK conversation with the other girl's mother - and risk your daughter not being allowed to play with her friend after that anyway. Maybe there are things going on in this "family situation" that you could help improve...
  • rgunn02
    rgunn02 Posts: 169 Member
    I have 3 kids - my advice - go with your gut!!!
    Continue to encourage playdates at your house. At 8 years, she's too young to understand why, but just tell her, if she wants to continue to play with this child, it has to be at your house. And who knows, maybe the other child needs a safe place like yours to come to and escape what ever is happening at hers.

    Good luck - being a good parent isn't about being fun mom, it's about doing the right thing for your child!

    Rebecca
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    Why don't you arrange for a friendly "get to know you" visit with the friend's mom - offer to bring a plate of cookies over or something? Or you could walk over yourself to pick up or drop off your daughter. Then you can see the house for yourself.
  • miriamtorason
    miriamtorason Posts: 208 Member
    AGREED. Your instincts are telling you there is something wrong here - TRUST THEM. Have the other child over for sleepovers and plan fun activities for the girls (graham cracker baking, nail/toenail polish parties, arts and crafts). With any luck, you'll be the fun mommy who has WAY more fun than other kids moms. If your gut is telling you something isn't right, listen. Especially with your children, it is far preferable to be a little overprotective than to have your worst fears confirmed.
  • TeenaMarina
    TeenaMarina Posts: 420 Member
    I've met the parents and I've been in the house. It's in a not so great neighbourhood. It seems to get more cluttered every time I go there. The last time I picked her up there it was before lunch but pitch black inside cuz all the blinds were closed. I asked who was watching them and they said the Dad, but he didn't come to the door because he was asleep. There's a toddler there, too. The mom is ok, seems nice - I've talked to her quite a bit but never had a conversation with the Dad. She did in fact have a sleepover there once and she stayed up so late she was miserable for days. I dunno what it is - I just am really uneasy when she is there.
  • katsmeow77
    katsmeow77 Posts: 26
    I guess I don't really have great advice, but maybe you could try to go with her to "get to know" the parents and see what exactly goes on around there house. Cleanliness, parenting, etc. It is perfectly acceptable for a parent to want to know the parents and house they are sending their child to for playtime. Maybe it will put your mind at ease. If they are just poor house-keepers... that isn't so awful, but if there is more to the story then you will just have to tell your daughter that you love her, but she needs to trust your judgment as her mom. Sometimes we just have to make our children unhappy to keep them safe. It is life and she will someday understand. Maybe you could involve your daughter in different activities so that she can meet new playmates that are more acceptable friends for her. Whatever you choose will be fine because you are acting out of love and her best interest. It is usually best to follow your gut in these situations, too. Mom's have that instinct!! Good luck
  • CaptainGordo
    CaptainGordo Posts: 4,437 Member
    She begs me to go over there all the time, and wants sleepovers. I can deal with the friend coming over here, but I just have a bad feeling in my stomach every time she goes there.
    Allow me to add to the "follow your instincts" chorus.

    All you have to do is watch the local news to see the tragedies out there that sick animals inflict on kids whose parents don't care.
  • SarahJayRigdon
    SarahJayRigdon Posts: 113 Member
    Why not arrange to meet the other childs mother/father/caregiver/whoever over coffee at the park or what not? Then you could get to know the parents and open the proverbial door to opening their literal front door. Then you can get a glimpse of the living situation for your self.
  • CaptainGordo
    CaptainGordo Posts: 4,437 Member
    Even if you "get to know" these folks over coffee, how can you know whether they are sickos or not? How do you know whether there isn't a scummy uncle that frequents the home? My kid only plays in homes of folks we consider very close friends (and are just as paranoid as us). Just not worth it, in my opinion.
  • kathott
    kathott Posts: 72 Member
    my children are adults now, but I remember something that my family doctor told me when i was a new parent. "A mother's gut feeling always outweighs anything else in the world...always, always follow your gut!" We didn't follow our gut feeling about a neighbor's
    home situation and our child was hurt by this neighbor's child. We are thankful our child was too young to remember the trauma she went thru but never never again, did i NOT follow my gut feelings.... Please follow your gut instinct when it comes to your daughter. You are
    probably bang on RIGHT!
  • CaptainGordo
    CaptainGordo Posts: 4,437 Member
    It seems to get more cluttered every time I go there. The last time I picked her up there it was before lunch but pitch black inside cuz all the blinds were closed. I asked who was watching them and they said the Dad, but he didn't come to the door because he was asleep.
    DANGER! DANGER! RED FLAGS! SPOOKY! :frown:
  • frogmommy
    frogmommy Posts: 151 Member
    1. Encourage other friendships with other children for your child.
    2. Do not ever go against your gut feeling!
    3. I didn't allow sleepovers until my daughter was 10. Tell her that you have decided to change the past rules because she needs to get her sleep (or whatever).
  • TeenaMarina
    TeenaMarina Posts: 420 Member
    I always follow my instincts in other areas of my life, so you're all right - of course I should follow them here. Even after having met the parents, talked to the mom, been inside the house, I still feel this way. So of course I have to follow it.
  • sam363
    sam363 Posts: 204 Member
    I have 3 kids - my advice - go with your gut!!!
    Continue to encourage playdates at your house. At 8 years, she's too young to understand why, but just tell her, if she wants to continue to play with this child, it has to be at your house. And who knows, maybe the other child needs a safe place like yours to come to and escape what ever is happening at hers.

    Good luck - being a good parent isn't about being fun mom, it's about doing the right thing for your child!

    Rebecca

    Great advice Rebecca! Always go with your gut!

    I would necessarily feel the need to schedule and mommy/child play date but I would ask my daughter questions about where she was at and what happened while she was at the friends house. Have you asked her why she comes home dirty? Are they playing hide and seek behind furniture that needs to be dusted/vacuumed behind? You can ask questions with out leading her to a conclusion. I would also keep inviting the other girl over - if she very well might need your home more than you think. Have you tried asking the friend about her home life? Have the girls bake something with you - it's easy to ask the friend " Do you bake at your house?" "What kind of fun things do you like to do at your house?" Who lives with you? At 8 - they are more willing to share these things when there is an activity and they don't feel grilled.

    Good luck and remember that if something doesn't feel right, it usually isn't.
  • TeenaMarina
    TeenaMarina Posts: 420 Member
    DANGER! DANGER! RED FLAGS! SPOOKY! :frown:

    You're too funny! Yes, odd though. Also this kid has an ipod touch she carries around and has complete access to the internet, YouTube, etc. At eight years old?! I'm not ok with that!
  • corieueber
    corieueber Posts: 72 Member
    my boys are a bit young for me to have these issues yet - but trust your instinct, and while l'd not discourage your child to not play with there friend (poor child might not have other friends) l'd be very encouraging of other friendships
  • TeenaMarina
    TeenaMarina Posts: 420 Member
    She may not have a lot of friends, true. But why? The first time my child went over there was for this kid's birthday. She apparently invited tons of kids and it was going to be a huge thing, but then only my child and one other showed up. Um. Kids always go to parties when invited, don't they?!
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