Need some advice...boyfriend has social anxiety and I'm having a tough time coping?

Options
MayaSPapaya
MayaSPapaya Posts: 735 Member
in Chit-Chat
Hi everyone. So I've been dealing with this for a while and finally need to get some advice because it's starting to really eat me up.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. We fell in love very quickly into the relationship and everything just felt so right in the beginning. Hes treated me better than any guy by far, and I know he would never intentionally hurt me. He constantly is telling me how I'm the person who makes him the happiest and how I'm everything to him, and how he wants to spend his life with me. He gives me so much happiness and I always feel so connected to him and I really do love him and can see myself marrying him one day. However...
He has bad social anxiety. It definitely has to do with the way his parents raised him (they were very controlling and wouldn't let him explore everything he wanted to, for example he's a musician and wanted to play basketball when he was younger but his parents said it was music or sports, not both, also there were a lot of times he was told he "couldnt do something because of the way he is". He also was taught that if he didn't know what people were talking about, to stay quiet. Needless to say, it messed with him big time.
He's never socially anxious around me, (however he has had anxiety attacks where he was afraid to lose me even though nothing happened, in fact they tend to happen after happy times such as vacation) or his friends, but he is extremely around my father, stepmother and her kids. He also is around strangers in public, he's doing better now but at first it was very difficult for him to ask for directions, for the bill at dinner, if someone on a walking trail said something such as "have a good walk" he would kind of mumble a nervous "thank you". Also with my friends a bit but not to such a high level. It makes him seem very socially awkward to them and since he's been around them enough now, it makes the room uncomfortable. To the point where my dad one day asked me if he had Asperger's. He wasn't judging him, he was just asking. My dad has said multiple times to me that the most important thing is if I'm happy. If I'm happy, he accepts him. But the thing is it's very hard for me to bring my boyfriend around them because when I do, I get nervous on how he will be. Normally, he's very quiet and the only time he's truly engaged in the conversation is if it relates to music. Otherwise he kind of sits there checked out and when he does talk, he does these little nervous fidgets. We recently went to dinner with all of them and he did try to talk a lot more but it kind of seemed...forced. He is much more comfortable around my mother, granted he sees her more, but it's to the point where he should be more comfortable around my dad.
I'm a big family person so naturally this is getting to me. The man I marry needs to be able to be comfortable and fit in with my family. I don't want to spend my life worrying about bringing my significant other around them. It's gotten so bad that I've cried over it, because I get scared that I'm going to have to spend my life worrying about him and if he can handle the day to day conversations and engagement of a life so he can keep a job, be a father, etc. Also because it's frustrating that he is still so anxious around my family. It got so bad a few weeks ago that I had to leave the house and call my best friend bawling.
Now, he has been seeing a therapist and in little ways it seems to be helping. He doesn't want to take medication and the therapist didnt seem to agree with him taking it either (said it's not a hormonal imbalance) and it's only been a few months that he's been going so it's not like I expect instant miracles, but I'm kind of worried it will never get better. It's really hard for me because I do love him and don't want to end things but if it were to continue I may have to, just because of the way it affects me.
Advice? I'm really at a crossroads here...

Replies

  • yusaku02
    yusaku02 Posts: 3,472 Member
    Options
    Your boyfriend sounds a lot like me. I'm very shy (for example I went off an extremely helpful medication because I was too shy to call and make an appointment for a refill) and I tend to do much better in settings with fewer people.
    Throw him a bone and let him get to know family members in more of a 1 on 1 (well 2 on 1 I guess) environment. Maybe plan a day out with just your mom, him and you. Then another one with just a sibling and the both of you. Then maybe one with both your parents and you. When there are fewer people involved it'll be more comfortable for him and it'll be much easier for him to participate in conversation.
  • mbaker566
    mbaker566 Posts: 11,233 Member
    Options
    accept him for who he is
    as he gets to know people, he will relax
  • kjm3579
    kjm3579 Posts: 3,974 Member
    Options
    I was very shy when I was younger and am somewhat even now -- what helped with my wife and I was that I knew her and her family since I was in 3rd grade -- but when we started dating consistently and I met more of her extended family it was a challenge -- those that I knew helped me by bridging me into a conversation and eventually I got to feel comfortable around the extended family -- on my side I rarely even see any relatives so that was not an issue.

    It seems to be something I have slowly been growing out of -- I still prefer to sit quietly and do my own thing or interact with one or two people at a time instead of a group.

    If you guys are going to parties and large group get together's, he will feel very uncomfortable - maybe you can adjust somewhat to make him feel comfortable and then slowly work into other situations later.

    If it's going to be a big issue for you, you will have to decide how that impacts your future and your happiness and work forward from there.
  • JamestheLiar
    JamestheLiar Posts: 148 Member
    Options
    In my opinion, you are right to be asking these questions BEFORE you marry this man. If it is causing you this much pain, then you need to seriously consider that before things go too far.

    As you can see from the couple of testimonials here on this thread, most people learn how to survive socially even with varying degrees of social anxiety ... but what you need to know is that it will always be work for him. He will never be "cured" of his introverted nature. This is simply who he is. He may eventually acquire some social skills that make it easier for him to enjoy other people, but he will always have to work at it. Always.

  • branflakes1980
    branflakes1980 Posts: 2,516 Member
    Options
    Unfortunately he is who he is and most likely if he's been this way his whole life he probably wont change (much anyway), if he is going to therapy I would say that is a huge effort on his part (he is opening up to a stranger which clearly makes him uncomfortable). You and only you can decide the outcome on this one. Everyone is flawed, but you and only you can decide who's flaws you want to "deal with" for the rest of your life. I truly wish the best of luck to you.
  • joshepein
    joshepein Posts: 1 Member
    Options
    I think your boyfriend need to try this method. Listen to this audio to rapid relief anxiety, get it here, check the bottom page calminghealth. com/38-lifestyle-reducing-anxiety-panic-1
    bring anywhere he tend to get anxious. it's hard but i hope he will soon get rid of social anxiety, step by step
  • SLLeask
    SLLeask Posts: 489 Member
    Options
    My husband is socially awkward. He barely says a word, not because he's rude or even shy, he just doesn't talk a lot. Ever. We've been together 14 years and married for 9... It used to bother me at first, but he is who is is. I'm a really loud Northener, totally chalk and cheese. My loud, social friends and family had to get used to him, not the other way round and now they just accept he probably won't join in much and that's okay all round. Let's face it, it's only awkward if someone makes an issue out of it. He is a bit better than he was but to be honest he hasn't changed much at all - and why should he? I'm not going to stop being me, haha!

    We are all different, the only issue is whether it's a deal breaker for YOU... and that' something only you can decide.
  • questionfear
    questionfear Posts: 527 Member
    Options
    Is he in therapy? I tend towards the anxious side, and a good therapist can do wonders for him.
  • mbaker566
    mbaker566 Posts: 11,233 Member
    Options
    @SLLeask what she said.
    though i'm a quiet Northern-we do exist :wink:
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    Options
    He's a keeper if you can live with him being like this the rest of your life.

    He might get better, he might get worse. A lot depends on how determined he is to change old patterns.
  • finny11122
    finny11122 Posts: 8,436 Member
    Options
    At the end of the day , when your in a relationship , you are not their to fix them so to say. Its not your job to coddle and mother him . He needs to do it for himself and if he is not willing to help himself that will lead to problems down the road. Be his biggest cheerleader and listen to him , but he has to man up and and take action.

    He seems fearful in general. Fear of loseing you and fear of social interaction , will turn you off him eventually.

  • icantbelieveiamobese
    icantbelieveiamobese Posts: 349 Member
    Options
    Accept him unconditionally love him for who he is including the social phoebia and then see him transform miraculously ... We are capable of endless things when we feel loved
  • MayaSPapaya
    MayaSPapaya Posts: 735 Member
    Options
    Thanks everyone for the advice!
  • icantbelieveiamobese
    icantbelieveiamobese Posts: 349 Member
    Options
    Good now go give him a hug and tell him to get back in that closet
  • DrFever100
    DrFever100 Posts: 5,899 Member
    Options
    My advice : (Speaking from lots of experience with a similar situation)

    Let Therapy do its thing. He just started. Also, start with solo dates out, maybe dinner or a movie. Slowly integrate. Say a double date. Anxiety disorders and any mental health issue needs proactive treatment. What hurts the patient more though is the fear and shame associated with the stigma of the illness.

    I can go on for hours BUT if you really love him then be patient with him. In my scenario the subject went from total isolation to nightclubs and parties in under an year. Usually when they discover how fun it is to get out they rapidly move away from that phobia.

    Good luck.

Categories