do you lose weight and feel "so what?"

I think some of what I find strange is that (although I definitely don't look bony!) I feel different to myself. I mean, like I notice my bones if I touch my shoulders or if I'm lying in bed or something. It seems weird, doesn't seem like me.

I spent most of my life in a world where being overweight was essentially regarded as a moral failing. At any rate, that was my mother's attitude. "She's fat, but she's nice" would be a typical comment from her, as if the two things were connected. I rejected that attitude on the surface, but it was still ingrained (and I do attribute this issue in my life to my mother). I was never horribly overweight - I have lost 21 pounds (plus another 10 a while ago, or more accurately lost 30 and gained 20 a while ago) and would like to lose another 15 and that would be plenty. I'm 5'3", now weigh around 135, trying to get below 120 isn't necessary. But I've got ridiculously wide hips and of course that's where I gain weight - it's genetic, my mom, my aunt, and one of my cousins are just the same. My mom is, at 93, still utterly obsessed about her hips being so wide. So I always felt absurd because of it. Plus I wear a D cup - used to be DD. An ex-boyfriend used to joke that I could be a Rubens model (not maliciously). I suppose some people might think it's sexy, but the grass is always greener, and all that, and I've always felt like a freak and wanted to be built like a swimmer, narrow and flatchested and lean. Or just narrow and flatchested, even if not lean! ;-) Of course if I were built like that, I'd probably want to have more curves, it's not like I don't realize that.

Losing weight has always seemed a bit like the holy grail in my life. So it's confusing to lose some of it, and find my own body feels weird to me, and nothing else changes! Well, except that some clothing fits that didn't used to, and I feel more comfortable dressing in ways that I didn't dress in the past. And I'm comfortable working out in tights & a tank top, and I don't feel the top has to come half way to my knees in order to hide my hips. And maybe I'm getting to the point where a t-shirt that is the right size for my shoulders & bust actually fits over my hips - at higher weight I always had to get XL t-shirts because otherwise they pulled very tight over my hips. Oh, and now I fit better in airplane seats! At my height my knees were always fine, but not my hips in the narrow seats. Not a problem any more. ;-) (I travel a lot for work, spend way too much time on very long flights.)

Re not having foods that I love - yes, I could have a little of them, there's no medical issue. But having a little and having to make it a special event just makes it stressful, not relaxed & enjoyable. I've never been a controlled, moderate eater. if I were I'd never have gained weight in the first place! I think it might actually be easier to be consciously on a diet, with a calorie limit per day, than it will be if I reach my goal and want to maintain my weight. Letting go a modest amount might be harder than staying on the diet altogether, because I'd be afraid of slipping back to old habits, like eating peanut butter out of the jar, or immediately finishing off any ice cream I might bring into the house. And also, eating the fattening things I really like is like being financially extravagant on a limited budget. You just have to give up too much if you "spend" your calories on those fattening things. Like eating all your calories at breakfast - you'll really be hungry later in the day. So for me mostly I feel I can't eat a lot of the things I love.