Surviving after the death of a child
sspscott
Posts: 66 Member
I don't normally talk about what has happened. About a year and a half ago my son Gavin was killed in a train accident. Gavin was the light of my life. He was known as my "Shadow". Everyone tells me I need to talk about it. It's so hard for me.
This has affected every aspect of my life, work, relationships, eating, working out, etc. My mental health as well as my physical health. I KNOW that part of my down moods can be attributed to a poor diet and lack of physical activity. But I can't seem to get back on track.
And now... I've been having pain and tingling feet. Then I read that this could be a sign of diabetes!!! I'm not one to freak out about symptoms, but this scares me. I live in Sweden and going to the doctor is hard because I'm not fluent in the language.
I don't know what I'm hoping to get from writing this down... just need to talk.
This has affected every aspect of my life, work, relationships, eating, working out, etc. My mental health as well as my physical health. I KNOW that part of my down moods can be attributed to a poor diet and lack of physical activity. But I can't seem to get back on track.
And now... I've been having pain and tingling feet. Then I read that this could be a sign of diabetes!!! I'm not one to freak out about symptoms, but this scares me. I live in Sweden and going to the doctor is hard because I'm not fluent in the language.
I don't know what I'm hoping to get from writing this down... just need to talk.
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Replies
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I'm so sorry that you lost your son, a huge hug to you x
Try to take baby steps to help you through the grieving process. Set mini goals like I will walk outside at a quick pace for 20-30 minutes a day.
Little changes like that would help with the circulation to your feet and can also enhance your mood.
Do you have any funny video clips of Gavin? Sometimes watching them helps us remember the good times, he would want you to do that and I'm sure you know that. A good laugh/cry session can help us through grief.
Try to make the trip the Dr, take your phone and use google translate if need be, just to put your mind at rest over the tingling.
I hope you keep posting in the thread, it can make us talk more about things if it not face to face with people we know. You can get through this x0 -
First, please accept my condolences. What a terrible loss for you; it is not surprising that you are having trouble getting back on track. You should seriously make an appt & see a GP, you have been under a lot of emotional stress & a checkup would be a very good thing.
Maybe it could help if you could try to take some small steps. Like trying to go for a short walk outside every other day? Getting out in fresh air & natural light might help to lift your mood a bit. Making big changes can be difficult, so perhaps little things could help.0 -
So very sorry for your loss. I don't think people fully heal but we learn to live and share our losses.
As to doctor thing - I understand that - I live in Germany and am not fluent in the language. Go to the expat community like internations.org and ask about for a physician that speaks English - I'm sure that in the community, especially in a country like Sweden, an English-speaking doctor won't be too hard to find.
Good luck.0 -
Oh my heart hurts for you. I just wanted to say kudos to you for having the strength to create a post about it. It must have been hard just doing that. I'm hesitant to give any advice because it's such a foreign thing to me, but I think people are right in telling you that talking will help. It'll hurt like nothing else, I'm sure, but I really think that's the only way to get to a place where you can cope a little better. If you don't have or prefer not to talk to family and friends, then I'd suggest finding someone like a counselor who can really help you work through this stuff. That may be very difficult being in a non-English-speaking country, but I think it'd be worth the effort if you can find someone.0
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Oh, bless your heart! You are so brave to reach out for support.
I have a close friend who actually lost 3 teenage children. This happened a little over 10 years ago, and she has had a very difficult journey since then. But I can tell you that little by little she has learned to get back to a life that is filled with lots of joy to go along with the tears.
One thing that has really helped her is lots of exercise, fresh air and sunshine. She also does a lot of volunteer work. She has found that helping others helps her.
She has become a grief counselor who specializes in helping people deal with situations similar to hers. I'm sure you could find a similar councelor, or even just a support group in your area.
You are not alone. There are people near you who really know how you feel and who would love to supprt you. I hope that you can find the courage to find these resources in your area.
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I'm so very sorry for your loss. The pain never goes away but we learn how to manage it. Give yourself time to grieve but take care of your health as well. That's the only way you'll have the strength to cope.
Good advice from @bri170lb. Finding a counselor to talk to one-on-one or a support group may help. You may think you don't want to talk about it, but realizing that you aren't alone is very helpful.
Just try to make healthy food choices and get up and go out for a walk and some fresh air. The only thing that helps is the passage of time and knowing that no one can ever take your happy memories away.0 -
Hey man, I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you. Although I didn't lose a child, I lost someone very close to me recently as well. If you need someone to talk to, go ahead and message me. Maybe we can help motivate each other, even if our goals are different.0
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
As far as I know, people in Sweden are often pretty good in English, so you should be able to find a doctor who speaks it.0 -
Thank you for sharing. It took a lot of courage to put it out into the interwebs
see if you can find an english speaking doctor or use google translate
also, make sure to get out of the house-walk, movies, markets. I would also find a support group for parents who have lost children. While you might not speak the language well, you might find comfort in being with a group of other people who are grieving.0 -
So sorry for your loss - it is a thing that should never happen.
I only know the two facts you put down, so of course you should start with a doctor. That being said I was just speaking with someone else about grief, this person also lost an immediate family member, and he's been living with that for some years now. He felt the metaphor of grief as a suitcase at the end of your bed, which you pick up every morning and carry all day long was very apt. Some days it is empty and light as air, and some days seems filled with bricks, and as time goes on your suitcase carrying muscles grow stronger, but you carry it every day. He also felt that sometimes when you have some work of grieving to do that is not getting done, your body will force you to do it - with physical manifestations - he even mentioned tingling extremities. So see your physician but also keep reaching out for support like you are doing here - I know a support group - even an online one - would be a great resource.
God bless.0 -
Thank you to everyone that reached out. I will stop making excuses about seeing a doctor and get that *kitten* done.
I have started seeing a psychiatrist for the first time recently. It's always been hard for me. I wanted to talk to people that knew Gavin and could understand what he meant to me. But that wasn't fair because my friends had no idea what to say and they where also afraid that I would take their "Dude, you should really talk to a professional." as "I really don't want to hear you talk about this anymore." So I came to that realization and tried to see a doctor, but it just didn't work for me. I don't know if it was a connection with them or what, but I wasn't feeling it. So I just stopped talking about it at all, to anyone. And when *kitten* got to me I just withdrew. And would disappear for days, weeks sometimes. And it's not like I just curl up in a dark corner and cry while listening to The Smiths. I just feel like being alone. It's hard to explain. So, I started again. I've started seeing a new doctor and it feels better. But I feel SSssSSSsO drained after each visit. And I guess that is good.
It's also a reason I've taken to writing here. I appreciate the support. And I guess the same can be said for everyone here... I can't expect to find the answers to dealing with this, but I can gain inspiration to get my health in check. As well as the kick in the virtual *kitten* to get on track.
Thank you all!
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You are grieving. It's a process, let it happen. Talking about it and writing it down are helping you so keep going.
Good that you have found a psychiatrist who is helping - even if all they are doing is listening that will help you in the long run, and get to a doctor about those pins and needles - yes it may be a sign of diabetes but it may also be a psychosomatic response to the grieving process - tell your psychiatrist about it as well.
I've always thought the Swedes had very good command of English - particularly those who've been through higher education so the chances of you finding a doctor are very high.
Just another thing - I've always found that when I have a problem I talk to different friends depending on the problem, but I'm not expecting them to respond or SAY anything, I just want them to listen. Some friends are better at that than others. Professional help is good, but don't shut yourself away from your friends.0 -
I'm so sorry about your son xx0
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Sorry for the loss of your son, that's heartbreaking.0
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have anything helpful to add but still wanted to let you know how sorry I am.0
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There is no proper time frame to recover from this. The only real wrong thing to do in grief is become a drug addict or a complete *kitten*. Continue to see a doctor. And continue to seek help as long as it takes to find the right doctors.
The family that lived next door to me growing up lost their youngest in January and I wanted to be helpful so I researched what to say and do and learned that most grieving people like hearing stories about their loved one. This seemed true for this family so I try and relay funny stories about their loved one now and then. My point is, maybe you can just say to your friends that you find comfort in that (if you do) because to me my instinct says the opposite. Just be honest with what you need from them. As a friend I appreciate knowing what I can do to help.0 -
So sorry for what happened and what you are going through. . And good for you for seeking help. Be strong and feel free to message me if you need to vent or anything.0
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I can't begin to understand what you are going through. I am so sorry for your loss. The fact that you put in writing your feelings and your frustration is a very good sign that you are trying to heal. Keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of another, keep communicating. Good luck to you.0
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I admire your strength in seeking help. It's not everybody who can say, "ok, for an hour every week I'm gonna sit and face the hardest thing I've ever dealt with." It takes courage to do that, and it's impressive.0
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Thank you to everyone that reached out. I will stop making excuses about seeing a doctor and get that *kitten* done.
I have started seeing a psychiatrist for the first time recently. It's always been hard for me. I wanted to talk to people that knew Gavin and could understand what he meant to me. But that wasn't fair because my friends had no idea what to say and they where also afraid that I would take their "Dude, you should really talk to a professional." as "I really don't want to hear you talk about this anymore." So I came to that realization and tried to see a doctor, but it just didn't work for me. I don't know if it was a connection with them or what, but I wasn't feeling it. So I just stopped talking about it at all, to anyone. And when *kitten* got to me I just withdrew. And would disappear for days, weeks sometimes. And it's not like I just curl up in a dark corner and cry while listening to The Smiths. I just feel like being alone. It's hard to explain. So, I started again. I've started seeing a new doctor and it feels better. But I feel SSssSSSsO drained after each visit. And I guess that is good.
It's also a reason I've taken to writing here. I appreciate the support. And I guess the same can be said for everyone here... I can't expect to find the answers to dealing with this, but I can gain inspiration to get my health in check. As well as the kick in the virtual *kitten* to get on track.
Thank you all!
Glad you could post out in the open and get some weight off your chest. We lost our first child when she was a baby, and it takes time to deal with all the emotions that come with such a thing. And I think by nature many guys try to act like it's ok to just "be tough" and show no emotion. Personally I think that's BS, they are just fooling themselves and not sharing that emotion, which might make it harder to deal with.
Don't let the grieving process overwhelm you. It's normal to feel that way at times. There are natural steps of progression in the grieving process, and you take those steps when you are ready. Though there are different models for this.... the below is from a quick search.
recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html
I went to some group sessions on dealing with grief and loss myself. Having had several unusual and more traumatic deaths in my immediate family, combined with the "expected" losses of elderly family, it became overwhelming at times. At the end of the final group meeting we did what is know as an empty chair exercise. You sit across from an empty chair and have a conversation with the loved one you are struggling to cope with the loss of. It was one of the most emotionally draining things I've ever done.
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I miss my stepmom often. I lost her a couple years ago. Dad arranged a very fine funeral, using a "celebrant" who spoke of living on using her memory of an example. I don't want to be glib or trite about your loss, but perhaps you can use the memories of your sprightly boy to carry you. Imagine him shadowing you every day and watching your choices. Be the fatherly example you want to be.
You know your boy would want you be strong, hale and hearty. Tingling feet indeed sounds like diabetes. Not a disease to be ignored. Find out. Find out how to manage it. Dangerous disease, but also very manageable.0 -
Grief is one of the most deeply personal journeys we can ever make, and the loss of a child is a cruelty that every parent fears the most. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. There's no right or wrong way, and the only way around it is straight through the middle of it.
Good for you for reaching out, and I am heartsick for your loss.0 -
I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard for sure and doesn't get any easier. I lost my brother in 2005 on November 14 and I still miss him terribly as if I just heard the news. We had a very close connection. Unfortunately, we never found out what happened to him. He just didn't go to work one day (he never missed a day) and the police found him in his apartment. Nothing unusual showed up in the autopsy either and still to this day, his death certificate says "Unknown" by cause of death. I can tell my mom and dad have been devastated by this. He was 31.
I used to go all out for the holidays and now I do nothing. It's terrible I know but friends tell me the same thing - to talk about him as a way to remember but also to honor him. I just get so sad it's hard to not cry buckets of tears, but this Thanksgiving, I'm going to see if I can get some pictures together and maybe write some of my favorite memories of my brother down on paper. I'm not sure if you have done anything like that but I hear it helps to remember them when they were alive. That way you have something to uplift you when the sadness is overwhelming.
When my brother died, I ended up not being able to function at all. In fact, I had to take FMLA from work eventually being forced to move back home for financial reasons. I also went to counseling (group and individual) for at least 3 years. I definitely attribute this to my weight gain because I buried myself in food (I'm an emotional eater). It took me a decade to realize what I was doing to my body and I knew if my brother were alive, he would not want this. It was in that moment of realization that I decided to make a conscientious effort to change. Believe me, it's not easy. Also, don't expect to stay on the straight and narrow, but don't beat yourself too hard when you get off the path. It's ok to fail as long as you get right back up and start again.
I wish you the best as you work through this. I have not experienced the loss of a child and I'm sure it is different than a sibling, but know that you are a strong person just for having posted this. May you and your family have peace. RIP Gavin...0 -
I'm glad you reached out. It's a difficult thing to do when you've been strong for so long. My son died 8 years ago November 2nd, so I understand some of what you're feeling. Take the time to feel it. You deserve those feelings and so does he. Feelings are a connection and it's perfectly normal to feel them and to not want to feel them. You grieve in your way on your schedule. I still grieve; I always will.
I found one of the best ways for me to grieve was to write it down. All of it. What I was doing, how he died, the organ harvesting, his funeral. All of it. And when I feel like I can't be part of this life, I go read it. That's when I can cry. That's when I can let down the walls and feel. I discovered that made it easier to come back to this life and function.
I hope you find that. I wish I could tell you the pain fades, but it doesn't fade. It gets softer. Sometimes, it's still so sharp it takes my breath, but most of the time it's a dull pain of longing. And then the happiness comes. The happy memories, the jokes, the funny things he did. I learned to look for the happy, because he deserved better than me living and breathing the sad all the time. My son wasn't sad and he wouldn't want that.
But it took time to get there. And sometimes, the pain still comes hard and fast, absolute full-body pain and agony that won't let me breathe or think, just cry and scream. And that's ok too. Those happen less often and as they fade, I find the happy. I hope you can find it one day too.
*hug*0 -
If you're having difficulty finding an English speaking therapist an option may be to get in contact with a charity here in the UK like Child Bereavement UK or Winston's Wish to see if they can help you find one.
They also have a lot of useful information online as well.
I can't even imagine what you are living through but I wish you peace and love.0 -
all i can say is that i couldn't even imagine...i have two boys and losing them is my absolute greatest fear.
i wish you peace.0 -
It's also a reason I've taken to writing here. I appreciate the support. And I guess the same can be said for everyone here... I can't expect to find the answers to dealing with this, but I can gain inspiration to get my health in check. As well as the kick in the virtual *kitten* to get on track.
Thank you all!
You might find it helpful to find an online support group for parents who have lost children. I know of one for infant bereavement, but it is not really ideal for parents who have lost older children - but I am sure there are some.
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I am soooooo sorry for your loss. I don't have words because I have not experienced a loss of a child. As a parent you expect to go first so I feel saddened for your loss. You are at the right place to get back healthy and I can only pray you continue seeing your therapist and get past your grief and try to find some level of peace in order to live a healthy and peaceful life if not for your son. All the best to you!0
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God bless you. And good luck at the medical doctor's. You might find whatever is going on with your feet is less serious than you think.
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perhaps you can use the memories of your sprightly boy to carry you. Imagine him shadowing you every day and watching your choices. Be the fatherly example you want to be.
In every way and every day you're still his Daddy, even if he isnt a part of this world anymore he is a part of YOU. I love this advice, and picture him with you always. Show him how happy healthy choices can make a person! Be the example you'd want him to have grown up seeing, imagine him with you every step of the way. When things get tough, and you're struggling think of what he would say to help! Or do, sometimes there arent words exchanged between adults and children. Remember his head resting on your chest, put your hand there and feel the heaviness and feel him with you.
You owe it to him to be healthy, because if he were here you KNOW you'd be seeking help right away so you can be well for your son. You can still be well for him
I cant even imagine your loss, its part of why I myself can't give my heart so wholly to another person. It takes such strength to just continue on and I admire you so much for realizing its time to take control of your health, for him and yourself.0
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