Surviving after the death of a child

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  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
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    I miss my stepmom often. I lost her a couple years ago. Dad arranged a very fine funeral, using a "celebrant" who spoke of living on using her memory of an example. I don't want to be glib or trite about your loss, but perhaps you can use the memories of your sprightly boy to carry you. Imagine him shadowing you every day and watching your choices. Be the fatherly example you want to be.

    You know your boy would want you be strong, hale and hearty. Tingling feet indeed sounds like diabetes. Not a disease to be ignored. Find out. Find out how to manage it. Dangerous disease, but also very manageable.
  • snickerscharlie
    snickerscharlie Posts: 8,578 Member
    edited November 2015
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    Grief is one of the most deeply personal journeys we can ever make, and the loss of a child is a cruelty that every parent fears the most. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. There's no right or wrong way, and the only way around it is straight through the middle of it.

    Good for you for reaching out, and I am heartsick for your loss.
  • FatSwatter
    FatSwatter Posts: 175 Member
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    I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard for sure and doesn't get any easier. I lost my brother in 2005 on November 14 and I still miss him terribly as if I just heard the news. We had a very close connection. Unfortunately, we never found out what happened to him. He just didn't go to work one day (he never missed a day) and the police found him in his apartment. Nothing unusual showed up in the autopsy either and still to this day, his death certificate says "Unknown" by cause of death. I can tell my mom and dad have been devastated by this. He was 31.

    I used to go all out for the holidays and now I do nothing. It's terrible I know but friends tell me the same thing - to talk about him as a way to remember but also to honor him. I just get so sad it's hard to not cry buckets of tears, but this Thanksgiving, I'm going to see if I can get some pictures together and maybe write some of my favorite memories of my brother down on paper. I'm not sure if you have done anything like that but I hear it helps to remember them when they were alive. That way you have something to uplift you when the sadness is overwhelming.

    When my brother died, I ended up not being able to function at all. In fact, I had to take FMLA from work eventually being forced to move back home for financial reasons. I also went to counseling (group and individual) for at least 3 years. I definitely attribute this to my weight gain because I buried myself in food (I'm an emotional eater). It took me a decade to realize what I was doing to my body and I knew if my brother were alive, he would not want this. It was in that moment of realization that I decided to make a conscientious effort to change. Believe me, it's not easy. Also, don't expect to stay on the straight and narrow, but don't beat yourself too hard when you get off the path. It's ok to fail as long as you get right back up and start again.

    I wish you the best as you work through this. I have not experienced the loss of a child and I'm sure it is different than a sibling, but know that you are a strong person just for having posted this. May you and your family have peace. RIP Gavin...
  • ki4eld
    ki4eld Posts: 1,215 Member
    edited November 2015
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    I'm glad you reached out. It's a difficult thing to do when you've been strong for so long. My son died 8 years ago November 2nd, so I understand some of what you're feeling. Take the time to feel it. You deserve those feelings and so does he. Feelings are a connection and it's perfectly normal to feel them and to not want to feel them. You grieve in your way on your schedule. I still grieve; I always will.

    I found one of the best ways for me to grieve was to write it down. All of it. What I was doing, how he died, the organ harvesting, his funeral. All of it. And when I feel like I can't be part of this life, I go read it. That's when I can cry. That's when I can let down the walls and feel. I discovered that made it easier to come back to this life and function.

    I hope you find that. I wish I could tell you the pain fades, but it doesn't fade. It gets softer. Sometimes, it's still so sharp it takes my breath, but most of the time it's a dull pain of longing. And then the happiness comes. The happy memories, the jokes, the funny things he did. I learned to look for the happy, because he deserved better than me living and breathing the sad all the time. My son wasn't sad and he wouldn't want that.

    But it took time to get there. And sometimes, the pain still comes hard and fast, absolute full-body pain and agony that won't let me breathe or think, just cry and scream. And that's ok too. Those happen less often and as they fade, I find the happy. I hope you can find it one day too.

    *hug*
  • msf74
    msf74 Posts: 3,498 Member
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    If you're having difficulty finding an English speaking therapist an option may be to get in contact with a charity here in the UK like Child Bereavement UK or Winston's Wish to see if they can help you find one.

    They also have a lot of useful information online as well.

    I can't even imagine what you are living through but I wish you peace and love.
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,874 Member
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    all i can say is that i couldn't even imagine...i have two boys and losing them is my absolute greatest fear.

    i wish you peace.
  • neohdiver
    neohdiver Posts: 738 Member
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    sspscott wrote: »
    It's also a reason I've taken to writing here. I appreciate the support. And I guess the same can be said for everyone here... I can't expect to find the answers to dealing with this, but I can gain inspiration to get my health in check. As well as the kick in the virtual *kitten* to get on track.

    Thank you all!

    You might find it helpful to find an online support group for parents who have lost children. I know of one for infant bereavement, but it is not really ideal for parents who have lost older children - but I am sure there are some.

  • dbanks80
    dbanks80 Posts: 3,685 Member
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    I am soooooo sorry for your loss. I don't have words because I have not experienced a loss of a child. As a parent you expect to go first so I feel saddened for your loss. You are at the right place to get back healthy and I can only pray you continue seeing your therapist and get past your grief and try to find some level of peace in order to live a healthy and peaceful life if not for your son. All the best to you!
  • RodaRose
    RodaRose Posts: 9,562 Member
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    God bless you. And good luck at the medical doctor's. You might find whatever is going on with your feet is less serious than you think. <3
  • brb2008
    brb2008 Posts: 406 Member
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    jgnatca wrote: »
    perhaps you can use the memories of your sprightly boy to carry you. Imagine him shadowing you every day and watching your choices. Be the fatherly example you want to be.

    In every way and every day you're still his Daddy, even if he isnt a part of this world anymore he is a part of YOU. I love this advice, and picture him with you always. Show him how happy healthy choices can make a person! Be the example you'd want him to have grown up seeing, imagine him with you every step of the way. When things get tough, and you're struggling think of what he would say to help! Or do, sometimes there arent words exchanged between adults and children. Remember his head resting on your chest, put your hand there and feel the heaviness and feel him with you.

    You owe it to him to be healthy, because if he were here you KNOW you'd be seeking help right away so you can be well for your son. You can still be well for him :)

    I cant even imagine your loss, its part of why I myself can't give my heart so wholly to another person. It takes such strength to just continue on and I admire you so much for realizing its time to take control of your health, for him and yourself.
  • sspscott
    sspscott Posts: 66 Member
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    girlinahat wrote: »
    I've always found that when I have a problem I talk to different friends depending on the problem, but I'm not expecting them to respond or SAY anything, I just want them to listen. Some friends are better at that than others. Professional help is good, but don't shut yourself away from your friends.

    You're very right. I think initially it was very new and deep for everyone to talk about. Over time, it has become easier for everyone, myself included, to talk more casually about Gavin. One of the topics I brought up in therapy last week was the fact that I had a hard time interjecting Gavin anecdotes into conversations. Or when people are sharing photos of their children my phone burns in my pocket because I am reluctant to share my most treasured family member. This reluctance is hard. I feel like bringing up situations concerning Gavin will impact the mood of any conversation in a negative way. And Gavin was always the life of the party or any conversation he was in, or about. But now... I will try to not be so reluctant to share. Because holding in my thoughts in is more damaging to me emotionally than any temporary feelings of pain realizing Gavin's only contribution to a conversation can come through me. He was such an amazing young man. And I miss him so.
  • sspscott
    sspscott Posts: 66 Member
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    snapdragon1231 wrote: »
    My point is, maybe you can just say to your friends that you find comfort in that (if you do) because to me my instinct says the opposite. Just be honest with what you need from them. As a friend I appreciate knowing what I can do to help.

    Absolutely. I need to become better at sharing. I have friends and family that have told me time and time again that they are there for me. It's hard because it hits me at different times. It can be during a TV show, or as I am just walking down the street and see a poster for the sequel of a movie that he loved. Sometimes it makes me smile through tears. I think "Man Gavin... I wish... I wish so much that you were here."

    I just want to thank everyone for their warm thoughts. Responding is good for me. But it also takes a lot out of me. I am currently sitting at my dining table, surrounded be used tissues. The sun is out today... I think I should go for a run to clear my head.
  • sspscott
    sspscott Posts: 66 Member
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    robertw486 wrote: »
    Glad you could post out in the open and get some weight off your chest. We lost our first child when she was a baby, and it takes time to deal with all the emotions that come with such a thing. And I think by nature many guys try to act like it's ok to just "be tough" and show no emotion. Personally I think that's BS, they are just fooling themselves and not sharing that emotion, which might make it harder to deal with.


    Don't let the grieving process overwhelm you. It's normal to feel that way at times. There are natural steps of progression in the grieving process, and you take those steps when you are ready. Though there are different models for this.... the below is from a quick search.

    recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html


    I went to some group sessions on dealing with grief and loss myself. Having had several unusual and more traumatic deaths in my immediate family, combined with the "expected" losses of elderly family, it became overwhelming at times. At the end of the final group meeting we did what is know as an empty chair exercise. You sit across from an empty chair and have a conversation with the loved one you are struggling to cope with the loss of. It was one of the most emotionally draining things I've ever done.

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your support and kind words of encouragement. I have been reluctant to delve into the world of grief counseling. The use of water colored images of flowers and streams of sunlight or a woman carrying a lantern on a beach dressed in white tend to turn me off. I feel like it's a scam. But I need to get beyond that because there is good insightful information in there. I feel like I am stuck in stage 4 "During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair." I continue to read and explore information.

    I couldn't image performing an "empty chair" exercise. I would be a puddle on the floor. I talk to Gavin sometimes, but that's when I am alone and it may just be as I pass a photo of him to say "Dude? How can you be gone?"


    Really, thank you for your support!
    -Scott
  • iheartcookies2
    iheartcookies2 Posts: 952 Member
    edited November 2015
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    Hej! I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. As a parent I know it's every parents' worst nightmare.
    I live in Sweden so I can give you some practical pieces of advice when it comes to visiting doctors. You can demand a doctor that speaks English (most of them do it anyways, but it can be diferent depending on where you live) and you are also entitled to getting an interpreter if you need one. Every vårdcentral (health care center) has a contract with an interpreterting agency and it doesn't cost patients anything.
    Take care :)
  • aim630
    aim630 Posts: 120 Member
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    I'm sorry for the loss of your son Gavin. My daughter Ashley passed away 5 years and 9 months ago from complications of H1N1. Today is 6 years since I've heard her voice (she was in a coma and ventilated for 3 months) . The pain and grief don't go away, but they get softer after time. I still have bad days, but have learned to smile and laugh again. Online grief support groups helped me the most. There are several on Facebook specifically for grieving parents. I also logged onto grieving.com, and there is a group, Loss of Young Adult Children (although it doesn't matter what age your son was, that group is the most active). I made many online friends there who understood what I was going through, and helped me get through those first few years. I found talking to people who had been through something similar as me, helped me the most. Men and women both are on these websites. I hope you are able to find some support to help you through this.

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