Surviving after the death of a child

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  • sspscott
    sspscott Posts: 66 Member
    girlinahat wrote: »
    I've always found that when I have a problem I talk to different friends depending on the problem, but I'm not expecting them to respond or SAY anything, I just want them to listen. Some friends are better at that than others. Professional help is good, but don't shut yourself away from your friends.

    You're very right. I think initially it was very new and deep for everyone to talk about. Over time, it has become easier for everyone, myself included, to talk more casually about Gavin. One of the topics I brought up in therapy last week was the fact that I had a hard time interjecting Gavin anecdotes into conversations. Or when people are sharing photos of their children my phone burns in my pocket because I am reluctant to share my most treasured family member. This reluctance is hard. I feel like bringing up situations concerning Gavin will impact the mood of any conversation in a negative way. And Gavin was always the life of the party or any conversation he was in, or about. But now... I will try to not be so reluctant to share. Because holding in my thoughts in is more damaging to me emotionally than any temporary feelings of pain realizing Gavin's only contribution to a conversation can come through me. He was such an amazing young man. And I miss him so.
  • sspscott
    sspscott Posts: 66 Member
    snapdragon1231 wrote: »
    My point is, maybe you can just say to your friends that you find comfort in that (if you do) because to me my instinct says the opposite. Just be honest with what you need from them. As a friend I appreciate knowing what I can do to help.

    Absolutely. I need to become better at sharing. I have friends and family that have told me time and time again that they are there for me. It's hard because it hits me at different times. It can be during a TV show, or as I am just walking down the street and see a poster for the sequel of a movie that he loved. Sometimes it makes me smile through tears. I think "Man Gavin... I wish... I wish so much that you were here."

    I just want to thank everyone for their warm thoughts. Responding is good for me. But it also takes a lot out of me. I am currently sitting at my dining table, surrounded be used tissues. The sun is out today... I think I should go for a run to clear my head.
  • sspscott
    sspscott Posts: 66 Member
    robertw486 wrote: »
    Glad you could post out in the open and get some weight off your chest. We lost our first child when she was a baby, and it takes time to deal with all the emotions that come with such a thing. And I think by nature many guys try to act like it's ok to just "be tough" and show no emotion. Personally I think that's BS, they are just fooling themselves and not sharing that emotion, which might make it harder to deal with.


    Don't let the grieving process overwhelm you. It's normal to feel that way at times. There are natural steps of progression in the grieving process, and you take those steps when you are ready. Though there are different models for this.... the below is from a quick search.

    recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html


    I went to some group sessions on dealing with grief and loss myself. Having had several unusual and more traumatic deaths in my immediate family, combined with the "expected" losses of elderly family, it became overwhelming at times. At the end of the final group meeting we did what is know as an empty chair exercise. You sit across from an empty chair and have a conversation with the loved one you are struggling to cope with the loss of. It was one of the most emotionally draining things I've ever done.

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your support and kind words of encouragement. I have been reluctant to delve into the world of grief counseling. The use of water colored images of flowers and streams of sunlight or a woman carrying a lantern on a beach dressed in white tend to turn me off. I feel like it's a scam. But I need to get beyond that because there is good insightful information in there. I feel like I am stuck in stage 4 "During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair." I continue to read and explore information.

    I couldn't image performing an "empty chair" exercise. I would be a puddle on the floor. I talk to Gavin sometimes, but that's when I am alone and it may just be as I pass a photo of him to say "Dude? How can you be gone?"


    Really, thank you for your support!
    -Scott
  • iheartcookies2
    iheartcookies2 Posts: 952 Member
    edited November 2015
    Hej! I'm so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine what you are going through. As a parent I know it's every parents' worst nightmare.
    I live in Sweden so I can give you some practical pieces of advice when it comes to visiting doctors. You can demand a doctor that speaks English (most of them do it anyways, but it can be diferent depending on where you live) and you are also entitled to getting an interpreter if you need one. Every vårdcentral (health care center) has a contract with an interpreterting agency and it doesn't cost patients anything.
    Take care :)
  • aim630
    aim630 Posts: 120 Member
    I'm sorry for the loss of your son Gavin. My daughter Ashley passed away 5 years and 9 months ago from complications of H1N1. Today is 6 years since I've heard her voice (she was in a coma and ventilated for 3 months) . The pain and grief don't go away, but they get softer after time. I still have bad days, but have learned to smile and laugh again. Online grief support groups helped me the most. There are several on Facebook specifically for grieving parents. I also logged onto grieving.com, and there is a group, Loss of Young Adult Children (although it doesn't matter what age your son was, that group is the most active). I made many online friends there who understood what I was going through, and helped me get through those first few years. I found talking to people who had been through something similar as me, helped me the most. Men and women both are on these websites. I hope you are able to find some support to help you through this.
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