Anyone else have issues with their spouse and weight loss?

Brocksterdanza
Brocksterdanza Posts: 208 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I would like some kind advice from you all on this matter..... I am a football coach and during the season, i am a major stress eater... I am not a drinker, smoker, drug taker, etc.... Stress eating is my thing.... However, during this time, my wife almost fuels it by bringing nasty stuff into the house all the time.... even though i ask her to help me out by not getting terrible foods... I am not strong enough to say no and it just compounds on me.

I am in fear that as time goes, her lack of commitment to lifelong nutrition and exercise is going ot be a problem for us. I am in the process of getting my weight off and she has the intentions of getting to the gym, going to a class, walking the neighborhood etc, but she is always too tired or not in the mood to go.

Im sure i am not the only person that has been through this..... What can i do to insure we get through this together and i can get us both on the right track?

Thanks everyone!
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Replies

  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,893 Member
    You can only keep yourself on board. You can't force her. Try pre-logging or planning ahead by having healthy snacks an arms length away. Lead by example and take control of your eating habits and maybe if she sees how do-able it is she will follow your path.
  • janejellyroll
    janejellyroll Posts: 25,763 Member
    You can't get someone else on the right track. It's just impossible. She has to want it for herself. What you can do is stay focused on your goals and learn to deal with the temptations that life throws in our way. It's something everyone has to be able to do, though our circumstances may be different (your temptation may be the food your wife brings home, someone else struggles with the donut box at work, I have to walk by a place with delicious french fries every day on my way home).

    Some of us have found that when we achieve our goals, our spouses are sometimes motivated or inspired by seeing what we've done and they adopt new habits (my husband, for example, is now eating a lot more vegetables and he's reduced his consumption of candy). But this isn't because we're dragging them along with it. If I had tried to make my husband do those things, we probably would have just fought and he would have dug in his heels (like I would have done if he decided that he was going to change something about me).

    To lose weight you have to be strong enough to say "no" sometimes. If you aren't yet strong enough, focus on that. Saying "no" is easier the more you practice it.
  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
    Looks like excuses to me

    Do your own shopping and stress eat a carrot

    Ask her to hide the junk
  • JenMc14
    JenMc14 Posts: 2,389 Member
    You can't get her on the right track. If you try, if you say things, she may very well see it as nagging. You can invite her to take a walk with you or go to the gym, but other than that, it's on her. And, if she wants treats for her, well, that's up to her. It sucks and it's hard, but willpower has to come into play. You can ask her again, to please not bring junk into the house to support you, but at the same time, it's also her home, and she's a grown up who wants to eat crap.

    Get some new recipes, cook the meals. Allow small treats that fit your goals. Work on you, and just ask her to be supportive of you. She has to want to change, you can't make her.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,741 Member
    I'd say don't over think it at this point. Sounds like this is a new thing for you, so just stick with your plan and give it some time. People are resistant to change, particularly when it is put upon them by someone else.

    As far as having a hard time resisting "bad" food, since you are a football coach maybe use the same techniques or advice you would for one of your players. If one of them was really struggling with too much weight to play their position healthfully and wanted / needed to lose a few pounds but none of their family members were on board, what advice would you give them? Chances are, you can take your own advice.

    Good luck and just be consistent. Change happens slowly, but don't look at it as a potential marital issue. Negativity generally leads to failure.
  • Brocksterdanza
    Brocksterdanza Posts: 208 Member
    Thanks everyone!
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    all you can do is keep yourself "on board" and on the right track and be an example. i started working out and hitting the gym months before my wife got on board. basically she saw how much i was benefiting from it and she decided she needed to get on it too.

    now we're both gym rats but we don't go together and we go to different gyms as it's more convenient to our schedules and other things going on. we occasionally ride together when we can get someone to watch the kids but she's primarily a runner while i'm primarily a cycling enthusiast.
  • jkal1979
    jkal1979 Posts: 1,896 Member
    I would suggest asking your wife to make a compromise and put her treats in her own cupboard. That way she can still have them and they will be out of sight, out of mind for you. At the same time you have to learn to take personal responsibility for your stress eating and learn other ways to deal with that stress.
  • Brocksterdanza
    Brocksterdanza Posts: 208 Member
    Again, completely not saying this isnt my fault at all.... I have to be able to say no.... but its almost like she wants me to fail sometimes...
  • jkal1979
    jkal1979 Posts: 1,896 Member
    Brocksterdanza wrote: »
    Again, completely not saying this isnt my fault at all.... I have to be able to say no.... but its almost like she wants me to fail sometimes...

    Why, because she is not ready or willing to get 100% on board with changes you decided to make?
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
    Brocksterdanza wrote: »
    Again, completely not saying this isnt my fault at all.... I have to be able to say no.... but its almost like she wants me to fail sometimes...

    Are you sure you're a football coach, not a drama coach?

    Buck up and take responsibility for your own actions. Yes it would be nice if you never had to face tempting foods but that's not going to happen. Even if you didn't see them at home you'd see them at work, the grocery store, etc. Practice saying no and it will get easier as time goes along, just like any other skill you repeat over and over again.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,741 Member
    Brocksterdanza wrote: »
    Again, completely not saying this isnt my fault at all.... I have to be able to say no.... but its almost like she wants me to fail sometimes...

    Change your thinking and your inner dialogue. She doesn't want you to fail. She's apprehensive of you changing, even if logically in the long run you'd be healthier. Sometimes that's just human nature. Stop worrying about her opinion of what you're doing and just follow your plan. Things will change. Give it time.
  • krithsai
    krithsai Posts: 668 Member
    I do understand that spouses can sometimes want to sabotage efforts of their partner to change themselves. Maybe she's afraid of change? Maybe she's afraid you'll get too fit and not want her anymore? We all want our spouses to understand our innermost fears and insecurities. For some of us, some foods are real triggers and are not healthy to be around and that's fine. Nobody is perfect, right?

    Anyhow, OP, please talk to your wife and tell her what you told us. That you're trying hard and need her help. Don't make it her fault, because it is not. Make it about how you need help along this journey and you're asking her for a favor. I know I'd do it for my husband and vice versa.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    Brocksterdanza wrote: »
    Again, completely not saying this isnt my fault at all.... I have to be able to say no.... but its almost like she wants me to fail sometimes...

    Well, sure, it's in the realm of possibility that a spouse sabotages in order to not feel pressure to make changes herself or for other reasons.

    But since she is not yet motivated to change, she could simply be acting out of habit.
  • MarcyKirkton
    MarcyKirkton Posts: 507 Member
    I had a wee problem in another area of life, and I tried to make it a family affair, too. I was told, quickly, that my problem was mine. Don't expect others to jump on the bandwagon, too.

    It's proven to be excellent advice. You have to be committed to your own life. Nobody else needs to do that for you.
  • angelexperiment
    angelexperiment Posts: 1,917 Member
    Hi I had/have this issue. When it got too bad I talked to him and said hey these particular foods are triggering me can we not buy them for awhile til I feel I can have self control and he did. I also hide them by putting them outta sight outta mind or have him hide them. And for the stress eating urges try exercise or a new hobby, clean or fix something or tackle a unfinished project, mow the lawn etc til you get out of that mindset. You do have willpower you just haven't discovered it yet
  • Ajirvin
    Ajirvin Posts: 131 Member
    I finally got my husband to start working out with me. (I can't workout alone), but he loves all kinds of food. So even when I'm trying to be strict...he wants all this delicious foods and it's so hard to resist. I completely understand.
  • gradchica27
    gradchica27 Posts: 777 Member
    Is the junk food something you shared? Ie, you both shared a bag of Oreos while watching tv or you'd make Friday night chips & queso night. She may be worried about not sharing that time with you, about how your habits will change your life together, or feel lonely/fat/weak being the only one polishing off the pint of Ben & Jerrys. For people not ready to face their weight issue/do something about it, having a partner in crime makes it feel not so bad. When the partner stops participating, it can feel like a rejection.

    Maybe invite her to cook with you, go for a walk, etc? Or YOU cook for her! Make these changes seem non threatening and not pushy--give her space to join in while letting it be her choice not you pushing/guilting her into it (not saying you are).
  • codename_steve
    codename_steve Posts: 255 Member
    I agree with asking for help in a way that doesn't sound like blaming her; "I can't handle this, I need your help, and this is what I think will help". I think anyone in a healthy relationship would respond well to this. Also, I've had success with asking him to hide the stuff that I'm not eating.
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    Ajirvin wrote: »
    I finally got my husband to start working out with me. (I can't workout alone), but he loves all kinds of food. So even when I'm trying to be strict...he wants all this delicious foods and it's so hard to resist. I completely understand.

    the other issue here is that as a male...and one that is working out, he needs way more delicious foods than you. this is often an issue with couples even if both are dieting...even dieting, the male needs far more than the female.

    it used to piss my wife off because i was dropping weight, but her perception was that I was eating like a horse...which comparatively I was, but it was still far less than I required to maintain weight.
  • sheermomentum
    sheermomentum Posts: 827 Member
    As a coach, what would you say to your players if they told you that they weren't strong enough to resist drinking, partying or gaining fat due to overeating because their friends/parents/siblings insisted on bringing these things around them all the time? Would that fly with you?
  • blkandwhite77
    blkandwhite77 Posts: 281 Member
    Or......... She could be thinking about things she knows you love and part of her showing you that she cares is buying the foods she knows you enjoy. I know when I go to the store I tend to want to buy a certain cookie I know my husband loves or make a meal I know is his favorite. Depending on how long you've been married it could be a kind habit she has done for years and breaking that habit is difficult for her as it may be how she expresses little gestures of showing you she thinks about yours likes and dislikes.

    Yes, you've changed your thinking but she may just not have caught up yet. So look at it from a different perspective and you may see she's not trying to make you fail. She's just loving you as she always has
  • scolaris
    scolaris Posts: 2,145 Member
    You just do you. Don't eat her stuff. Take charge of your choices & feelings.
  • maidentl
    maidentl Posts: 3,203 Member
    blkandwhite77 wrote: »
    Or......... She could be thinking about things she knows you love and part of her showing you that she cares is buying the foods she knows you enjoy. I know when I go to the store I tend to want to buy a certain cookie I know my husband loves or make a meal I know is his favorite. Depending on how long you've been married it could be a kind habit she has done for years and breaking that habit is difficult for her as it may be how she expresses little gestures of showing you she thinks about yours likes and dislikes.

    Yes, you've changed your thinking but she may just not have caught up yet. So look at it from a different perspective and you may see she's not trying to make you fail. She's just loving you as she always has

    Exactly. She could be on auto-pilot. "Oh, it's football season, Ralph needs his Oreos," not realizing that Ralph doesn't want his Oreos this year. I know I used to buy them all the time for my husband because they're his favorite. Then one day he said, "I eat too many of these, please don't buy me anymore unless I ask." Problem solved!
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    Just checking; do you get cranky when you are hungry? My guy does. There are days I won't have a serious conversation with him until he's eaten. Those snacks she is bringing in might be, you know, happy pills.

    My hubby also has loads of fitness intentions with not a lot of follow-through. If I want to go, I go alone. Sometimes he comes along.
  • Brocksterdanza
    Brocksterdanza Posts: 208 Member
    It's really amazing how many just exist to cut you down on here. I have taken responsibility... see above... i simply asked if anyone else had issues like this. ... many have. I just don't get it. Whenever i respond to someone asking for help, the last thing i would ever do is start cutting them down... it would be different if i said it was all her. I have stated its my fault, just wondered if others had experienced this.




  • azulvioleta6
    azulvioleta6 Posts: 4,195 Member
    If you were really, truly taking responsibility for your actions, you wouldn't have found the need to post the thread at all.

    I don't see anybody trying to cut you down--we are just telling you to fully own what your choices. You don't have a spouse problem, you have a YOU problem.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 28,052 Member
    edited November 2015
    @Brocksterdanza in any thread you start, you're going to get posts that are useful and posts that are not. Best to focus on those that are. Since I'm not taking this personally, I saw all the posts as intending to be helpful, even the one that did have perhaps too much snark.
  • f8tnotfat
    f8tnotfat Posts: 9 Member
    You got many good tips and many positive posts.....look at those posts and ignore the others.
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
    Brocksterdanza wrote: »
    It's really amazing how many just exist to cut you down on here. I have taken responsibility... see above... i simply asked if anyone else had issues like this. ... many have. I just don't get it. Whenever i respond to someone asking for help, the last thing i would ever do is start cutting them down... it would be different if i said it was all her. I have stated its my fault, just wondered if others had experienced this.

    I guess I don't see the point of your post then.

    Your wife buys food you don't want to eat. You eat it anyway. You say you think she wants you to fail. Then you say you know it's all on you. So...yeah, it is. If you truly think your wife wants you to fail, you have a marriage problem and nothing you post on MFP is going to help with it.

    If the problem is that your wife is overweight and you want her to change that, nothing you post on MFP is going to help with it. Just like you are responsible for your body, she's responsible for hers. You can cook good meals or invite her to take a walk with you but you can't *make* her change.

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