Anyone else have issues with their spouse and weight loss?
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Have you sat down with your wife and talked to her? You give us a lot of information about you (you coach, you stress eat, you want....). You don't give us a lot of information about your wife. Does she work? Does she stay home and take care of your 3 year old? Is she responsible for a lot of the household stuff? Her excuse that she is tired or not in the mood to go to the gym may not be an excuse. Raising a toddler is not easy work, and if she is working on top of that , I can bet she is tired and exercising is the last thing on her mind. Also, can your wife be stress eating as well? Raising a child has to be one of the most stressful things for a woman.
I do want to offer some things to think about:
~You say she brings things into the house that you feel will derail you and you do not have the willpower to refrain from eating them. You are not going to be able to avoid these foods for the rest of your life. You are going to have to learn self control.
~ You cannot control her. It sounds like you want to control what she does and what she brings into the house. She is going to have to decide to do it on her own. You can set a good example for her by focusing on what you need to do for you. Learning how to avoid the foods and saying "No thanks, I'll have some fruit instead." will help your 3 YO see you make good choices, and also help your wife start to see you are serious and trying.
~ Stop off at the store and get yourself some of the food that you want to eat. Having food you want on hand can help if you get the urge to eat what your wife is buying that you don't want to eat.
My husband is trying to gain weight , while I am trying to lose weight. I have to be on top of what I am doing and making the right choices for me because our goals are so different. We also have a daughter and I work full time + ( I teach, do committee work and am currently working on my national teaching certification). Our daughter is a little older so I also have dance, and sports thrown in there. I am an emotional eater - I eat when I am happy, sad, stressed, whatever! I have had to learn to take care of myself.
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MarcyKirkton wrote: »I had a wee problem in another area of life, and I tried to make it a family affair, too. I was told, quickly, that my problem was mine. Don't expect others to jump on the bandwagon, too.
It's proven to be excellent advice. You have to be committed to your own life. Nobody else needs to do that for you.
Well said.0 -
Brocksterdanza wrote: »she is 3
How often does your wife get time to herself? Not just kid-free time but actual time alone? Having a young kid can be a complete energy suck and not getting time off is even worse. I hope that you are not expecting her to want to spend rare free time going to the gym if that's not her preference.0 -
I actually do the laundry, ironing and pick up the house each week. ... i also pay for someone to come clean the house every other week. As for date night, we just spent the weekend in Atlanta. ... so for those that say i don't help her out enough or make her do all the work, that just isn't true. Her friends all brag about how much they wish their husbands did the things i do. So please, before you assume that i am some egotistical, non caring husband, please understand, it is the opposite end of the spectrum.
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Brocksterdanza wrote: »she is 3
How often does your wife get time to herself? Not just kid-free time but actual time alone? Having a young kid can be a complete energy suck and not getting time off is even worse. I hope that you are not expecting her to want to spend rare free time going to the gym if that's not her preference.
Daily. .. when i get home, i generally grab my little girl and take her out to play and allow her some down time. .. i also do the coming on some nights. ...
I buy her massages, she gets mani/pedis with her friends, etc.
I see where you all are coming from as i know this could be an issue, but i feel as though this area is better for us than most i know.
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OP, I think a few people have come down a little hard on you.
Early on, you owned that what you eat is your responsibility and that sometimes it is hard. That part of the issue has been reflected on and dealt with, it sounds like.
The second part of your challenge is hoping and wishing your wife would get more interested in exercise and come along with you on the journey, for the sake of your family. I see a lot of people screaming at you over that, but I understand it. Wanting the person you love to be healthier seems a perfectly normal instinct to me - a respectful one even. I would want the person I loved to quit any unhealthy habit that was diminishing their ability to live life to the full, regardless of whether it was drug abuse, shopping addiction or whatever - and in my book food abuse and inactivity falls into that category (for some reason we get super PC about calling people out about food, but we are happy to call them out about the other things). I want the people I care about to be happy and healthy. Normal to want that.
The challenge is just in how you go about that and you have received some very good advice about that already. Let her see your good example. Have respectful conversations about other choices. Suggest doing healthy stuff together but be ok with a no.
I have a non traditional relationship. I am the breadwinner with the regular job and my boyfriend works in the home and from home. He is a gorgeous looking man. It is hard for me to not look at him and think "man, if you just got rid of that belly, you could be model". He eats what he likes and has some emotional eating habits. I realize how shallow those thoughts are, but I still have them sometimes because I am human, even though he brings much more to my life than decoration and he certainly does not exist to please me.
I left him alone through-out this process for the same reasons everyone else has gone through with you (it is his life, not mine), but last week, a friend of ours dropped dead from a heart attack at 35. 35!!! With a pregnant wife. He was overweight, inactive and a smoker. He never bothered with check ups and he dropped dead. At 35. I went to the funeral on Saturday (they served fried chicken because it was his favorite.)
So... I am changing my view. Why the hell shouldn't I apply a bit of pressure to the man I love? Why can't I tell him that I love him and don't want him dying young just because piles of food tastes nice and exercise does not?
It will be a small comfort to me if he does drop dead that I was super understanding and never pressured him. That is not really going to keep me warm at night if I could have helped nudge him in the right direction but never did because I was panicked about looking insensitive.
We had a conversation and I told him how I felt. I can see he is trying and I can see that he now recognizes why it matters to me. It is not about being a model, it is about life and health.
TL:DR : Yep, it is their life, but sometimes it is appropriate to apply pressure if you are able to do it without going overboard. Sometimes it is worth it.
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Brocksterdanza wrote: »Brocksterdanza wrote: »she is 3
How often does your wife get time to herself? Not just kid-free time but actual time alone? Having a young kid can be a complete energy suck and not getting time off is even worse. I hope that you are not expecting her to want to spend rare free time going to the gym if that's not her preference.
Daily. .. when i get home, i generally grab my little girl and take her out to play and allow her some down time. .. i also do the coming on some nights. ...
I buy her massages, she gets mani/pedis with her friends, etc.
I see where you all are coming from as i know this could be an issue, but i feel as though this area is better for us than most i know.
Okay, that is all good.
At this point, you really should just focus on continuing to eat within your calories, making good food choices, getting in your exercise, etc. Ask her to go for a walk with you, continue to help with the food, etc. She may or may not hop on board with your efforts but I wouldn't do anything to be pushy about it or to act disappointed if she doesn't respond. It's been beaten to death by this point but you can really only get yourself on track, you can't force her into it. Good luck.0 -
Thanks everyone.0
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You need to be prepared to do this on your own. If she joins you, that's great. But if not, that's ok too. Losing weight is something that people need to do for themselves. You can't make someone else do it and even if you can pressure them into it, it's not going to stick. She needs to want to do it herself for it to be a life changing habit.
Trust me, I know from experience (from both sides). My husband tried for years to get me to lose weight or go to the gym with him. I would do it for a while, then stop. I didn't really want to do it and it was a huge chore. I was resentful of the implication that I wasn't good enough for him. I was in a huge pile of stress and depression and could not do it.
Then one morning, I woke up and decided that I wanted to be happy. It was your proverbial light bulb moment. I started the couch to 5k program and made an active choice to be happy instead of miserable. When I was done with the program, I kept running. My husband would come with me sometimes, but this was driven by me. After about six months, I realized that if I reined in my eating, I would be able to lose weight. I kept running and started tracking my food. My husband didn't change his eating at all. I was doing this by myself. Then he noticed how much I was losing and joined MFP too. He started weighing food and lost some weight. Then he stopped for a while. Now he's doing it again. I stuck with it the whole time (about 1.5 years now) and am down 60 lbs. If I was relying on him, I would have stopped when he stopped. He probably wouldn't have started back up again. He did because he sees how its a habit in my life and its really not a big deal.
Do this for yourself. Set an example and she might be inspired by you (might). If she chooses to join you, support her. But its a decision that she needs to make for herself.0 -
OP, I think a few people have come down a little hard on you.
Early on, you owned that what you eat is your responsibility and that sometimes it is hard. That part of the issue has been reflected on and dealt with, it sounds like.
The second part of your challenge is hoping and wishing your wife would get more interested in exercise and come along with you on the journey, for the sake of your family. I see a lot of people screaming at you over that, but I understand it. Wanting the person you love to be healthier seems a perfectly normal instinct to me - a respectful one even. I would want the person I loved to quit any unhealthy habit that was diminishing their ability to live life to the full, regardless of whether it was drug abuse, shopping addiction or whatever - and in my book food abuse and inactivity falls into that category (for some reason we get super PC about calling people out about food, but we are happy to call them out about the other things). I want the people I care about to be happy and healthy. Normal to want that.
The challenge is just in how you go about that and you have received some very good advice about that already. Let her see your good example. Have respectful conversations about other choices. Suggest doing healthy stuff together but be ok with a no.
I have a non traditional relationship. I am the breadwinner with the regular job and my boyfriend works in the home and from home. He is a gorgeous looking man. It is hard for me to not look at him and think "man, if you just got rid of that belly, you could be model". He eats what he likes and has some emotional eating habits. I realize how shallow those thoughts are, but I still have them sometimes because I am human, even though he brings much more to my life than decoration and he certainly does not exist to please me.
I left him alone through-out this process for the same reasons everyone else has gone through with you (it is his life, not mine), but last week, a friend of ours dropped dead from a heart attack at 35. 35!!! With a pregnant wife. He was overweight, inactive and a smoker. He never bothered with check ups and he dropped dead. At 35. I went to the funeral on Saturday (they served fried chicken because it was his favorite.)
So... I am changing my view. Why the hell shouldn't I apply a bit of pressure to the man I love? Why can't I tell him that I love him and don't want him dying young just because piles of food tastes nice and exercise does not?
It will be a small comfort to me if he does drop dead that I was super understanding and never pressured him. That is not really going to keep me warm at night if I could have helped nudge him in the right direction but never did because I was panicked about looking insensitive.
We had a conversation and I told him how I felt. I can see he is trying and I can see that he now recognizes why it matters to me. It is not about being a model, it is about life and health.
TL:DR : Yep, it is their life, but sometimes it is appropriate to apply pressure if you are able to do it without going overboard. Sometimes it is worth it.
Well said. Very well said.0 -
Brocksterdanza wrote: »Brocksterdanza wrote: »she is 3
How often does your wife get time to herself? Not just kid-free time but actual time alone? Having a young kid can be a complete energy suck and not getting time off is even worse. I hope that you are not expecting her to want to spend rare free time going to the gym if that's not her preference.
Daily. .. when i get home, i generally grab my little girl and take her out to play and allow her some down time. .. i also do the coming on some nights. ...
I buy her massages, she gets mani/pedis with her friends, etc.
I see where you all are coming from as i know this could be an issue, but i feel as though this area is better for us than most i know.
You sound like an excellent husband and father.0 -
My advice is do not let her derail you. Introduce her to mfp and if she likes it then ok but if she does not love it that is ok too. But stick to your guns and do not overly criticize you. Also, use your intuition.0
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If you had a player that complained that all his family were unsupportive of his efforts regardless of success, what would be your advice to him?Brocksterdanza wrote: »I would like some kind advice from you all on this matter..... I am a football coach and during the season, i am a major stress eater... I am not a drinker, smoker, drug taker, etc.... Stress eating is my thing.... However, during this time, my wife almost fuels it by bringing nasty stuff into the house all the time.... even though i ask her to help me out by not getting terrible foods... I am not strong enough to say no and it just compounds on me.
I am in fear that as time goes, her lack of commitment to lifelong nutrition and exercise is going ot be a problem for us. I am in the process of getting my weight off and she has the intentions of getting to the gym, going to a class, walking the neighborhood etc, but she is always too tired or not in the mood to go.
Im sure i am not the only person that has been through this..... What can i do to insure we get through this together and i can get us both on the right track?
Thanks everyone!
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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If you had a player that complained that all his family were unsupportive of his efforts regardless of success, what would be your advice to him?Brocksterdanza wrote: »I would like some kind advice from you all on this matter..... I am a football coach and during the season, i am a major stress eater... I am not a drinker, smoker, drug taker, etc.... Stress eating is my thing.... However, during this time, my wife almost fuels it by bringing nasty stuff into the house all the time.... even though i ask her to help me out by not getting terrible foods... I am not strong enough to say no and it just compounds on me.
I am in fear that as time goes, her lack of commitment to lifelong nutrition and exercise is going ot be a problem for us. I am in the process of getting my weight off and she has the intentions of getting to the gym, going to a class, walking the neighborhood etc, but she is always too tired or not in the mood to go.
Im sure i am not the only person that has been through this..... What can i do to insure we get through this together and i can get us both on the right track?
Thanks everyone!
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Find a positive support group (which would include me) to work though the problems with him.... Surround himself with folks that are a good influence, etc..... Kinda what i tried to do here..... I thought that this would be the perfect place to come for advice as i am sure i wasnt the only husband or wife to ever go through this. And for the most part, it has been great, some give advice in a degrading demeanor, etc.... But that is a part of life, some believe in tough love and the "in your face" approach. But as a teacher and coach, i know this approach doesnt work for everyone. It doesnt work for me.
I hope that has answered your question...0 -
blkandwhite77 wrote: »Or......... She could be thinking about things she knows you love and part of her showing you that she cares is buying the foods she knows you enjoy. I know when I go to the store I tend to want to buy a certain cookie I know my husband loves or make a meal I know is his favorite. Depending on how long you've been married it could be a kind habit she has done for years and breaking that habit is difficult for her as it may be how she expresses little gestures of showing you she thinks about yours likes and dislikes.
Yes, you've changed your thinking but she may just not have caught up yet. So look at it from a different perspective and you may see she's not trying to make you fail. She's just loving you as she always has
Love this. So true.0 -
There are some things I just cannot have in our house. One is Nutella. My youngest kid loves it and if we are out I will buy him the snack and go tubs....but if it's in the house.... I just don't have the willpower to say no.
I get that I can have a bit and count the calories, but I just can't stop.
Some people may say "take responsibility"... "only you can control yourself" and of course that is true. But me taking responsibility is not buying it. I can do great sticking to calories with most things.... but some things are just too much temptation.
Now if my hubby was always bringing Nutella home, in spite of me telling him not to..... I'd get pretty peeved at him to be honest.
I'm not sure how to get around it. Luckily my hubby knows what he can bring home that won't de-rail my plans. Maybe you could suggest she buys things which she likes, but you aren't overly bothered about?
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Maybe instead of the gym being the only option for exercise, introduce some fun alternatives. For me, I need to be doing something I enjoy. Sometimes that's lifting at the gym, sometimes its spinning at home, hiking a local trail, yoga... I need options.
Also, I think it's great that you do help out with the kiddo... but does your wife feel like she has enough time alone? Little daily chunks are a good start, but maybe she needs more. I am a full time caregiver for a disabled man that lives with me. Developmentally he is right around 3 years old, so we have a lot of toddler issues like tantrums, impulse control, stuff like that. I was with him pretty much 24/7 until about a year ago when I got burnt out. I started putting him in an adult day care once a week for an 8 hour day, and eventually bumped it up to 2 days a week. I cannot tell you how much this has improved my quality of life. To be able to have 8 whole hours twice a week to do whatever I want is INCREDIBLE. And usually, it's something I can't do with my buddy, like hiking.
Not sure if this is an issue, but wanted to throw this out there. Often, people who are losing weight can be ANNOYING. Myself included. Either we are irritable because we are not getting the emotional release we normally do because we are not stress-eating, or we are going on and on about our healthy changes, and other people feel self conscious. Something to be aware of anyways.
Hope you find a peaceful remedy, best of luck!0 -
The truth is, depending on how overweight your wife is, she may really be too tired to exercise. In which case, it would be better for her to focus on diet until she's lost a little bit and isn't as tired. Weight loss isn't thwarted if you don't exercise.0
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Brocksterdanza wrote: »It's really amazing how many just exist to cut you down on here. I have taken responsibility... see above... i simply asked if anyone else had issues like this. ... many have. I just don't get it. Whenever i respond to someone asking for help, the last thing i would ever do is start cutting them down... it would be different if i said it was all her. I have stated its my fault, just wondered if others had experienced this.
No one is cutting you down. Everyone is giving you good advice. Just about everyone who lives with someone else runs into this problem. And those that live alone run into it with their friends and co-workers. Everyone deals with it. It usually isn't sabotage, and if you look at it with that mindset you will grow to resent your wife and the food she's eating. Think that will make it easier to diet and exercise? Think that kind of bad attitude won't turn your wife completely off of following in your footsteps?
The best thing you can do is live as an example. If you want your wife to start following through on her good intentions, don't talk to her about it unless she asks. Do your exercise, eat appropriately, start feeling better as you lose weight and gain fitness and she may follow. Or, she may not. Some people aren't unhappy enough with being overweight to change.0 -
SingRunTing wrote: »My husband tried for years to get me to lose weight or go to the gym with him. I would do it for a while, then stop. I didn't really want to do it and it was a huge chore. I was resentful of the implication that I wasn't good enough for him. I was in a huge pile of stress and depression and could not do it.
Have you considered the above experience and perspective? From my personal experience, I wanted to be healthy and more active but the more my husband (fiancé at the time) pushed me, the less interested I became. I needed to decide it was worth it to ME to truly get up and get active.
What I haven't seen anyone else say (sorry, didn't read every post closely) is that she may feel inadequate about going to the gym with you there. I hated nothing more than him seeing me all red faced and sweaty after walking on the treadmill or only able to curl 15 lbs while he's over there running 3 miles and pounding out sets with 50lb weights. Its a big reason I didn't go. I enjoy it much more by myself than with him watching me (I KNOW he doesn't judge me, but I judge me when he's there)
Editted because I forgot to add that I assume she feels that you're stronger and in better shape than her because you go to the gym more regularly and you said you were a football coach.0
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