Family Problem - Need Advice - Mom wants $
Replies
-
As someone who works in BKY and foreclosure I can tell you, you're mom has a serious problem. Is there any way for her to downsize and live w/in her means. If she has no place to go if/when her home gets foreclosed on, she needs to sell it and go some place more affordable. At this point, if you want to help, off her assistance...help moving, a place to crash if she needs. I would refrain from giving her anymore money though. You have your own family you need to take care of. Your mom needs to learn to take care of herself.0
-
Tell her no. And I know this sounds simplified compared to the thoughts and feelings that you may be having, but thats the perks of not being emotinally involved in the situation.
From reading (with my whole self) what you just wrote, EVERY single time that you bail her out of the results of her bad habits, you enable her to 'lean' on you again, once she needs to. From what it sounds, she has not taken any responsibility for her lack of fiscal aptitude--and simply chooses to ask you (her selfish son) who up until now has continued to bail her out time and time again. If you are willing to give all you can give and then some, continue to do so. But to go into your retirement is a bit much for ANYONE to ask...yes, even mom. And I'm sure your wife is LIVID!!! I cant even imagine what she is going through, watching you continue to deplete your familiies resources for the irresponsible actions/or inaction of mom. At some point, you are going to have to come face front with mom and let her know htat you cant continue to hold the weight of her choices. Your family CANNOT and should not have to pay for that. You should nto feel OBLIGATED either. Now if she were making payment arrangments, trying seminars to learn more, making any lifestyle chnages, then I'd say maybe...but at this point, you are an inexhaustable ATM.... and its not your job to take care of your mom in this way. This hurts me to say, as I have two sons...but I also would NEVER want them to feel like taking care of me (in this way) is a must. Ya know what I mean? The roles have def. flipped. And I'll bet if you stand firm on your no, her acceptance of the proposal to handle her finances just may be more attractive to her. And if not, its simply because she doesnt want anyone else monitoring her questionable spending, which to me would be another sign, that she doesnt want help. YOu want a bail out. And that cycle is almost impossible to break. I am wishing you and your family the best of luck! 0 -
I agree with other posters. It would be hard to deny your own mother, but don't give her any more money. By receiving endless "loans" from people she is just being enabled. It sounds like she could benefit from some financial counseling and possibly other counseling to help her understand why she uses money in such a self-destructive way. You can provide her love and support and help her manage her finances, but until she accepts other outside help she will just continue to take advantage of others and throw money out the window. She'll likely say some hurtful things, but she's been in this cycle for a long time and making changes can be difficult, so don't take it personally and stand firm in your stance that because you love her you want to help her gain control of her life once and for all, rather than constantly provide gifts. She is the parent, and as a mother she should want to ensure your financial security and not want you to take from your retirement fund. Stay strong and hopefully you both will be free from her financial burdens soon.0
-
I know its hard to see family struggle. With the best of intentions, your help to her really is only enabling her to not take responsibility. If she feels she has a "safety net" she doesn't have to try as hard to manage her finances because you'll be right there if she needs a loan.
I would pace every response and every reaction you have. The facebook thing- that's her trying to provoke a response....take your time getting back to her, and when you do, just explain that you can't keep helping with money. You can help with love, and emotional support, and maybe even the assistance with a financial counselor- but actual money isn't possible.
Sorry you're going through this, it's stressful.0 -
Mother or not, the post on FB would be the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I say keep your money. You've done enough. Some people really need to learn to take responsibility for themselves.
Just sayin'....
I agree with this. I have a similiar situation in my family, but it's my sister always borrowing $$ from my mom. And the whole posting on FB is totally immature and uncalled for. I'd let her know that you'll help her find someone who can help her straighten out her finances, but her personal bank is now closed. She's probably always had someone to bail her out and now that her parents aren't around - she has to get someone else to bail her out.
Btw, her phone is shut off and she's hurting for money but she's on FB? LOL Seriously, if she's that hard up for $$ she needs to get her priorities straight and get rid of the cable & internet bill until she can get back on her feet. Sheesh! When I was hurting, we had no cable, no phones, but we had a roof over our head and food on the table.0 -
I am sorry you are in this situation, but this is one area where I am fairly good...it's what I do for a living!
First, do not touch your retirement accounts. That is for YOUR retirement. Do you want to be in the same situation, asking your children for "loans"?
Can you afford to gift the money? (No touching retirement, long term savings, equity in your home etc.) Realistically, you will not be paid back. Sounds to me like you can not, despite what your mom might think.
This is tough, but I think you need to just say no. You can not afford to keep doing this. It will continue to happen over and over. Where are you prepared to draw the line?
There will be emotional blackmail, such as the FB post. As hard as it may be, don't respond in kind. Mom is an adult and as such is responsible for her own choices. (We are adults and responsible for our food choices too!) It's a kind of tough love, but for your sake, your family's sake and your mom's sake, say no.
Good luck!0 -
Do not let her guilt you into another loan. You have been the good son. Do not bail her out this time. It has to end at some point, or this will go on forever. End it now. Tell her "no".0
-
If you've got the money no biggie but if it comes from your retirement plan jeopardizing you're future life plans etc, nope, there's enough options out there to make some extra, rent out a room, find something to sell, live in a cheaper house...0
-
We've been in financial straits a few times. Utilities are generally shut off after about 2months in a row missed (so generally less than $100 each, possibly $200 if it's very high bills). Same for cell phones. Foreclosure won't happen until at least 90 days delinquent (has made no payment at all in over 3 months) and usually not for at least 6 months - although that may have changed in the last few years.
I would tell her (maybe in a reply email)that in order for you to help her at all, you need to help her fix the overall problem. First, you can only pay directly to the utility, and must therefore see the last bill/shutoff notice. Then talk about the house ... if she can't make mortgage payments it may be best to do a shortsale. If she isn't willing to at least discuss and plan with you, the answer to giving her money is NO. And, with the story she's giving and the amount she's wanting, I don't think she'll have much to backup her "financial needs"
And it can still be NO, anyway, if you feel it necessary. Don't put your own family at risk to help her. You can just tell her you've been affected by the economy too and don't have the means to help her this time (you could also put this as a FB reply ... "Yeah, the economy is hitting everyone, isn't it?" or something ... or don't even respond to it, I bet most people will see the truth behind her post).0 -
I would give her the money as a gift. I would consider just how much money goes into raising a child into adulthood and how much effort. It has long been the custom that children take care of their parents once they reach working age
. It's only now in time that people begin to question it. Parents are owed respect and support and while it can be draining, it's nonetheless a societal responsibility on adult children. We should love and care for our aging parents in any way possible.
Just my opinion, of course. I know full well how inconvenient it is to send parents money, however I feel it's important to do so in a respectful, non demeaning, non embarrassing way. Asking for money-even when youre thinking you'll receive it- is never easy.0 -
Find the book called "boundaries" it would help you very much.
Get your Mom a Dave Ramsey book and mail it to her. It's called Total money make over.
I would not loan her any more money.0 -
My mother in law enabled her youngest son all of his life and he has no money in the bank, no money in retirement and is upside down in his condo. Continually bailing out loved ones NEVER teaches them anything and doesn't make them more responsible. You love your mom and are a great son, but you are not helping her or yourself. The ONLY way I would "lend" her anymore money would be with the stipulation that you take over her finances and give her an allowance....no discussion. I would be very clear and also sure that you want to take on this monumental task and that your wife will support this decision. Do not let threats or facebook postings get to you...that is what she is trying to do. You have NO reason for any guilt. She should feel bad and guilty for putting you in this position time and time again. Good luck!! Feel proud that you did not take after her when it came to managing money. If you have children, I believe that it is part of your job as a parent to teach them the value of a dollar and how to handle money and stay out of debt! They will thank you later....I know mine did!0
-
Don't do it. It's not that you can teach her responsibility at this late date (you can't--my 77 year old mother's in bankruptcy right now in similar circumstances), it's that you can't keep rescuing her at your own expense. Not when it's chronic fiscal irresponsibility at the root. You could easily turn this around and say, on Facebook, "My selfish mother is chewing her way through my retirement."
Tell her no. Tell her that, until she can make good on all the money she still owes you, you cannot lend her another dime. Tell her if she's low on food you'd be glad to have her over for meals until the crisis passes. But not a dime more into her maladaptive money-pit of a world. Money doesn't equal love, and neither does manipulation. You're being manipulated.
Sorry if I sound cold--believe me, I sympathize. But after years of loaning money, jumping in to pay property taxes or income taxes, swooping in to pay utilities to keep them from being shut off, I've backed away from the money pit. While my mother is a bit more hapless and less manipulative than yours seems to be, the final result is the same--she blows her money on restaurant meals and foolish endeavors and expects others to step in and bail her out.
Kris0 -
I would give her the money as a gift. I would consider just how much money goes into raising a child into adulthood and how much effort. It has long been the custom that children take care of their parents once they reach working age
. It's only now in time that people begin to question it. Parents are owed respect and support and while it can be draining, it's nonetheless a societal responsibility on adult children. We should love and care for our aging parents in any way possible.
Just my opinion, of course. I know full well how inconvenient it is to send parents money, however I feel it's important to do so in a respectful, non demeaning, non embarrassing way. Asking for money-even when youre thinking you'll receive it- is never easy.
Sounds like your going to be that same parent, expecting your child to enable your irresponsiblity, or you have allowed someone to guilt you into doing this. It is not that he is not willing to help her because he has. He should not, under any circumstances take from retirement. She will not pay it back and she has been doing this for years. Not only to him but to her parents before they died. How sad is that. He was willing to assist her, she is willing to abuse him. In the future, read the entire post before assuming he is just hanging her out to dry...0 -
First, congratulations that you are taking steps to make changes in your life and are meeting the fitness goals you have set for yourself. You are wise to work this out with your wife before responding to your mother. Being in agreement with your wife, and having her point of view and support in whatever you both decide is imperative. It is hurtful that your mom would take a private issue between the two of you and make it public on facebook...this indicates her position that she is entitled to whatever she asks from you. I believe we are to honor our parents, but giving to the point of damaging our own families isn't honoring. One thing you could do is talk with your wife and come up with some optiions you are willing to offer her. Some ideas: you paying her bills for/with her (helping her set up a budget she can live within and help her administrate it); a small, short-term loan drawn up with a signed paper agreement for pay back; requiring her to see a financial counsellor in exchange for your help; offering to pay for here to attend a financial class (Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover is wonderful and you can access it online for many freebies); even just letting her know your family lives on a budget and you only have X-amount of unallocated funds to go around and unfortunately you aren't able to help this month financially. At some point in all our lives we have to become responsible for the choices we make and sometimes the consequences are painful but that pain is what ultimately forces us to make better choices. Good luck to you as you deal with this difficult situation.0
-
Find the book called "boundaries" it would help you very much.
Get your Mom a Dave Ramsey book and mail it to her. It's called Total money make over.
I would not loan her any more money.
Good idea. Probably piss her off since she has no accountability, but maybe just maybe she'll open it and read it.0 -
i would definitely have to say no. putting your own future in jeopardy in today's economy is not a wise choice. and clearly she isnt learning anything but to resort to you as her ATM. she will probably get very mad at you and say some harsh things. but in the end, its your family you need to look out for. she is a grown woman. best of luck to you.0
-
My MIL was the same way. We finally cut off any more money to her. It was hard but it was the best thing we ever did for her. Yes, she lost her house and truck, she has to move into an apartment and use public transportation. She still has money problems but not as bad as it was before and she's learned to make ends meet, even giving blood and plasma.
It was really hard to do but we just could not afford to give out 'extra' money to her. We needed it for our kids college education, our retirement and our own family things.
I am sure she will blame you for loosing everything, have stuff shut off, but it's not your fault. We would occasionally get her a gift card for a local grocery store so we knew she was eating.0 -
I wish you the best luck in whatever you decide to do.
Obviously you don't want her out on the streets, and you probably do not want her living with you.
Give her an ultimatum.
If she's gambling, or if she's addicted to drugs, or addicted to shopping.
She has to quit spending money, it's obviously going somewhere.
She should cancel all her luxuries. If she smokes, then she should quit smoking.
Cut out TV, CABLE, and INTERNET.
If she is living beyond her means, then maybe she should downsize.
If you want to pay the mortgage company to keep a roof over her head that's different. You pay them directly.
It's no different than if your mom was an alcoholic, or a person on drugs. You would want to help, but you would not give them money directly.0 -
You know what will happen if you give her a "loan" - a few years down the line she'll be asking for more. And more. And more.
As long as you bale her out, she will continue to spend more than she earns. If she's in debt why does she have a cellphone in the first place? What else does is she spending money on that she doesn't need?
The ONLY thing that will help her situation in the long term is for her to reduce her spending to a level that is lower than her income.
Only she can do that. If you keep throwing money at her, why should she bother?0 -
Money doesn't equal love, and neither does manipulation. You're being manipulated.
This was my thought too. To be honest, I doubt she is in danger of her house-foreclosing -- I think she's just trying to scare / guilt you into giving her the money she wants. I also agree with what someone else said, that there has to be SOMEWHERE this money is going (shopping problem, gambling, something?) and until that gets addressed, it doesn't sound like the money thing is going to straighten itself out either.
I know it is going to be REALLY hard, but I think you have to tell her no. You are merely enabling whatever problem she has. Good luck!
PS: I hope you and your wife find some comfort in these comments and the fact that they almost 100% unanimous.0 -
I would give her the money as a gift. I would consider just how much money goes into raising a child into adulthood and how much effort. It has long been the custom that children take care of their parents once they reach working age
. It's only now in time that people begin to question it. Parents are owed respect and support and while it can be draining, it's nonetheless a societal responsibility on adult children. We should love and care for our aging parents in any way possible.
Just my opinion, of course. I know full well how inconvenient it is to send parents money, however I feel it's important to do so in a respectful, non demeaning, non embarrassing way. Asking for money-even when youre thinking you'll receive it- is never easy.
Is this a joke??? God I hope so, what horrible horrible advice, maybe if this wasn't the umpteenth time he has tried to help her out then this would be ok advice but seriously....................need i say more0 -
Don't enable with money - give her what she needs. Food, Gas, Electric bill (make check out to electric company). She may scoff at this, but then you need to ask yourself what she really needs the money for0
-
I wouldn't help her anymore.. man she sounds like my mom. she would never pay her bills.. spend it on stupid stuff like lottery and bingo and so on... good luck0
-
Wow this is so hard- I'll defintiely be praying for y'all! I have to say this might be a situation where tough love is in order- I do think you should sit and have a heart to heart to see if you can come to a solution. I also don't think it will help but it's necessary to preserve your own feelings. The fact that she would mention that on facebook is immature and frankly it's not going to stop. If she hasn't learned to at least appreciate all you've done for her then she never will- and you will only hurt yourself and your family. There comes a point when you as hard as it is, you have to think of your own family that you are raising and stop trying to "raise" your mother.0
-
This is not really advice - but - I would love to have a mother to give money to.0
-
This is not really advice - but - I would love to have a mother to give money to.
I know the feeling.0 -
Its one thing if she asked for 20 dollars here and there to help her get by until next pay day. But this is not the case, It sounds like she is depending TOO much on you. Sadly enough! I know she is your mom but you have to think about yourself. Its really not about the money. Its the fact that she expects you to bail her out whenever she needs it.
Keep your head up. Don't give her anymore money. By doing so you would only be enabling her.
Sorry hun!:(0 -
I would give her the money as a gift. I would consider just how much money goes into raising a child into adulthood and how much effort. It has long been the custom that children take care of their parents once they reach working age
. It's only now in time that people begin to question it. Parents are owed respect and support and while it can be draining, it's nonetheless a societal responsibility on adult children. We should love and care for our aging parents in any way possible.
Just my opinion, of course. I know full well how inconvenient it is to send parents money, however I feel it's important to do so in a respectful, non demeaning, non embarrassing way. Asking for money-even when youre thinking you'll receive it- is never easy.
the normal parent doesn't "expect" their child in the future to support them fully. I could see if she was laid off or didn't have a job etc...or even a job that didn't pay enough to cover her expenses. But she shouldn't expect anything. My mom on the other hand is wheelchair bound with 4 younger siblings at home. She can't work. Do I help her, yes I do. But its a totally different situation and she doesn't expect it.0 -
Just say NO. Where does her money go? I'd give her the phone number for a consumer credit counceling center.
Are there any shopping addictions there??0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 393.5K Introduce Yourself
- 43.8K Getting Started
- 260.2K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.9K Food and Nutrition
- 47.4K Recipes
- 232.5K Fitness and Exercise
- 427 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.5K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 153K Motivation and Support
- 8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.7K MyFitnessPal Information
- 24 News and Announcements
- 1.1K Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.6K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions