How to deal with someone who's more than just unsupportive?
kelsquast
Posts: 84 Member
Hi all! I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible, but I really do appreciate any insight any of y'all might be able to give!!
I'm 22 and have been using MFP very seriously for about three weeks now, I gained about 30 lbs after high school when I wasn't in sports any more and didn't quite realize that not having those 3 hour practices 6 days a week meant I probably shouldn't be eating whatever I wanted.
Anyway, I've seen quite a few people on here who've had issues with people close to them who are unsupportive/not understanding as to why they've chosen to adopt a healthier lifestyle. My problem is one of my closest friends. I love her to death and she's a big part of my social life, as in if I'm somewhere she's probably not too far behind. I never really announced this big change in my habits, it just kind of happened gradually - and once I found out how much better less "junk food" made me feel, I got more and more serious about changing my whole lifestyle. So I think since I'm so much more aware of what I'm putting in my body I've noticed that her suggestions of what we do when we hang out revolve so much around food (i.e. "want to make brownies?" or after I sleep at her house "hey! lets go get pancakes!") I have been so conscious of being polite about declining, or if she wants to make something I let her know I'd love to help her bake but I wouldn't eat any, so if she wanted to have a whole batch of cookies left over that was entirely up to her.
Finally this weekend I went out to lunch with her to celebrate an accomplishment of hers, she picked the place and I happily went along, but ordered a veggie burger and passed on the fries - no complaints from me, it was her day so naturally we would go where she wanted! Over lunch though, she confronted (not even sure if that's the word I'm looking for?) me about this "health kick" I'm on and "what's with that?" Her tone made me feel like I needed to be defensive about something and after firing questions at me about whether I've lost weight (for which I had no answer, I don't plan on weighing until a month has gone by and I explained I'm focusing on how I feel) or if my clothes feel loose or, most hurtful of all, if my sister had said something mean again and that's what this is all about. After answering as calmly as possible, she concluded that "whatever it is" it's not working since I don't look any thinner.
Since this conversation I can't help but feel like she's rooting against me and maybe she really has been suggesting sweets and junk food so much to tempt me and get me off of this "health kick" as she put it.
I'm so sorry this post is so long, but any advice or insight would be so appreciated! In the moment, I was pretty upset so I decided not to delve too far into it rather than say something I would probably regret, but if any of you lovely people have advice on how to bring this up, or maybe I'm being too sensitive?! That's a possibility for sure! Maybe it would be better to just keep my distance from her for a while? Thank y'all so much in advance for any help!!
I'm 22 and have been using MFP very seriously for about three weeks now, I gained about 30 lbs after high school when I wasn't in sports any more and didn't quite realize that not having those 3 hour practices 6 days a week meant I probably shouldn't be eating whatever I wanted.
Anyway, I've seen quite a few people on here who've had issues with people close to them who are unsupportive/not understanding as to why they've chosen to adopt a healthier lifestyle. My problem is one of my closest friends. I love her to death and she's a big part of my social life, as in if I'm somewhere she's probably not too far behind. I never really announced this big change in my habits, it just kind of happened gradually - and once I found out how much better less "junk food" made me feel, I got more and more serious about changing my whole lifestyle. So I think since I'm so much more aware of what I'm putting in my body I've noticed that her suggestions of what we do when we hang out revolve so much around food (i.e. "want to make brownies?" or after I sleep at her house "hey! lets go get pancakes!") I have been so conscious of being polite about declining, or if she wants to make something I let her know I'd love to help her bake but I wouldn't eat any, so if she wanted to have a whole batch of cookies left over that was entirely up to her.
Finally this weekend I went out to lunch with her to celebrate an accomplishment of hers, she picked the place and I happily went along, but ordered a veggie burger and passed on the fries - no complaints from me, it was her day so naturally we would go where she wanted! Over lunch though, she confronted (not even sure if that's the word I'm looking for?) me about this "health kick" I'm on and "what's with that?" Her tone made me feel like I needed to be defensive about something and after firing questions at me about whether I've lost weight (for which I had no answer, I don't plan on weighing until a month has gone by and I explained I'm focusing on how I feel) or if my clothes feel loose or, most hurtful of all, if my sister had said something mean again and that's what this is all about. After answering as calmly as possible, she concluded that "whatever it is" it's not working since I don't look any thinner.
Since this conversation I can't help but feel like she's rooting against me and maybe she really has been suggesting sweets and junk food so much to tempt me and get me off of this "health kick" as she put it.
I'm so sorry this post is so long, but any advice or insight would be so appreciated! In the moment, I was pretty upset so I decided not to delve too far into it rather than say something I would probably regret, but if any of you lovely people have advice on how to bring this up, or maybe I'm being too sensitive?! That's a possibility for sure! Maybe it would be better to just keep my distance from her for a while? Thank y'all so much in advance for any help!!
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Replies
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Hi, first of all I am truly sorry you had to go through this. When I started my journey I didn't tell anyone either as I knew people wouldn't understand also they wouldn't believe I could do it and stick to it as I had tried so many times before. The hardest challenge though was weighing my food in front of people. I saw the looks or got questions like" what are you doing? Isn't this a little silly to weigh everything? " it took everything for me to stick to what I was doing and not to go back to old habits. After a while people around me realised it wasn't just a short term health trip I was being serious..
Don't let other people get you down. most people don't know how to handle changes as they feel like it affects them.
Maybe your friend is secretly unhappy with herself and let's it out on you???
If she is a close friend though it might be worth sitting down and talking about what happened otherwise there is always this huge elephant in the room.
Best of luck with everything x0 -
Choose 1 or more:
a) you talk too much about your health kick
b) she's secretly evil just being herself
c) you talk too much about your health kick
d) it probably pressures her
e) you're too sensitive
A bunch of people will tell you "she's jealous" it is usually not true and they are unthinking parrots. If you are upset, it's on you to either drop it or clarify it or take your distance.0 -
She's just jealous
I suspect she's noticing that you're able to function without your life revolving around food and is a bit scared she's gonna lose you. I would indeed consider that if a lot of your fun with her involved eating, what are you two going to do now??
I do have to say, pancakes when you've woken up hungry with a friend don't sound all that bad. And I gotta ask, did you enjoy the veggie burger? Just curious!
To the part where she said it's not working, my first thought was, "aww, honey, don't be a *kitten*". But honestly it looks like everyone just has some catching up and adjustment to do. Looks like you've thrown a small wrench into things with some drastic (to her??) changes and a few reactions are possibly to be expected0 -
Honestly, since she is not your mother, or even a roommate but just a friend, you are probably talking too much about your lifestyle changes and also probably sound critical of her own eating habits (which I am guessing she did not change).
As an example, did you seriously tell her this "if she wants to make something I let her know I'd love to help her bake but I wouldn't eat any, so if she wanted to have a whole batch of cookies left over that was entirely up to her", or is it exaggerated?
Because if you did, no, it does not sound polite. Polite would have been declining the invitation and suggesting another activity, tasting a cookie and taking the rest of your share to eat the next days or to share with classmates or coworkers.0 -
Hey, congrats for getting started. Ypu are probably talking wayyyy too much about your "health kick".
I'm guessing the things your friend is suggesting are all things that you used to do before you started eating healthier. So now it's time to find other fun things to do....
You are probably worrying and thinking about this a whole lot more than your friend is. Just do you and stop worrying about anyone else.0 -
People dont like change... she feels worse about herself because you are doing something that she feels like she should be doing, but isnt motivated to do. Keep on going, she'll get used to it and might even be inspired to join down the road0
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Just keep an eye on that type of friend. At least you know what she is like now. I bet she is praying you fail and give up
Don't discuss your plans with her0 -
Or maybe she feels that if you can't do together the things you used to do then your relationship is threatened. If you bring up activities and get her to do things that don't revolve around food and she sees that you want to include her in your life she might be less criticial of your "health thing". Just be carefully if you are not on the same fitness level to not get her into things that would make her uncomfortable.
Also 3 weeks is not a long enough time for someone who sees you daily to notice a change so it's Ok if she didn't.0 -
Hmm, bye bye. She is not a friend. Get rid of the people that are negative.0
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Or maybe she feels that if you can't do together the things you used to do then your relationship is threatened. If you bring up activities and get her to do things that don't revolve around food and she sees that you want to include her in your life she might be less criticial of your "health thing". Just be carefully if you are not on the same fitness level to not get her into things that would make her uncomfortable.
Also 3 weeks is not a long enough time for someone who sees you daily to notice a change so it's Ok if she didn't.
This is pretty much what I'm thinking. It sounds like a lot of your activities together involved food in some way. Now you are changing that. Imagine you had a friend who you went ice skating with a couple of times a week. Suddenly she starts saying that she'll go with you but just sit on a bench and watch instead of actually skating. Wouldn't that feel a bit weird and leave you wondering what's going on?0 -
Well, hmmm. You shouldn't throw out a close friendship over something simple, where nobody's done anything wrong to the other.
You're eating differently, but you're still eating. Go out to eat and order what YOU want, and let her order what SHE wants, and there's no reason to discuss it at all. I go out with my friends a few times a month. Tonight, I'll have steamed broccoli instead of fries with my burger. Because that's my choice. I don't need to tell anyone else about it except the waitress. I may eat the entire bun, or half or none of it, depending on how I feel. But I don't need to discuss that with my tablemates either.
Many people's social lives include food, and that's something we all need to learn how to handle while we make changes in what we eat. Personally I have no desire to give up socializing just because I'm eating differently. Almost any restaurant will make accommodations to menu items to suit you. Order dishes with "sauce on the side" so you can control how much, if any, you consume. Look up menu items before you leave home and decide on what fits your plan for the day.
So bake brownies with her if she wants. Next time, come up with a "healthier" thing to cook together and suggest it to her. But don't say "I found this healthier thing..", just say "I found this new recipe I want to try. Want to do it together?"
Don't make your choices into a problem between you and your friends, or else you'll be very lonely. Which can lead to sadness and possibly overeating. Learn to live a healthy lifestyle (however you define it) in the real world.0 -
Don't let her sabotage you and cause you to second-guess your efforts. You've gotta do this stuff for you and your future self, future body, etc.
Because of your age and the situations you have described, I don't think your friend is being mean. You probably aren't (either of you) super chubby. She probably thinks there is no need for you to change or "get healthier" and she probably sees it as a threat to fun carefree times and snacking together for pleasure. Fair enough, right? But yeah...I would distance myself too, if I were you.
In a way I view the situation you describe almost like someone who is college aged and parties a lot, trying to distance themselves from friends who enjoy drinking wayyyy too much. But for your friend it's food. I think the same thing would apply - distance yourself a bit from her, try to do things that DO NOT focus on consumption, and if that doesn't work, totally distance yourself.
I'd say "explain your health kick to her" but I am pretty sure she wouldn't care or get it. Best of luck!0 -
As an example, did you seriously tell her this "if she wants to make something I let her know I'd love to help her bake but I wouldn't eat any, so if she wanted to have a whole batch of cookies left over that was entirely up to her", or is it exaggerated?
Sorry, yeah that wasn't exactly how I said it, more like my rationale for letting her know that I wouldn't have any. We're college students so instead of going to target, getting whatever may have been needed, making them and then leaving her with the left overs what I would have said would have been "Oh yeah I'll bake with you, but I'm not hungry so I probably won't have any of the cookies. But I'll help you if you want to make some!" I definitely could have taken some home with me but I didn't really think of it honestly, I give in to temptation with sweets waayy too easily so I thought I was being smart by avoiding them altogether?
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I do have to say, pancakes when you've woken up hungry with a friend don't sound all that bad. And I gotta ask, did you enjoy the veggie burger? Just curious!
Haha, yes I did! There's honestly a chance I would have ordered it even if I wasn't doing the MFP thing! My sister's a vegetarian and I don't eat a lot of red meat to begin with so if restaurants have them on the menu, it's always tempting!
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This is pretty much what I'm thinking. It sounds like a lot of your activities together involved food in some way. Now you are changing that. Imagine you had a friend who you went ice skating with a couple of times a week. Suddenly she starts saying that she'll go with you but just sit on a bench and watch instead of actually skating. Wouldn't that feel a bit weird and leave you wondering what's going on?
That's a really good comparison! The way I've been viewing the situation is that I'm just cutting out the snacking we did while we were doing other things (watching t.v., doing homework, etc.) but it probably seems to her like I'm not rejecting the snacking, but her and spending time together. I guess I didn't realize how much she considered doing those things like making brownies a part of our relationship?
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EvgeniZyntx wrote: »Choose 1 or more:
a) you talk too much about your health kick
b) she's secretly evil just being herself
c) you talk too much about your health kick
d) it probably pressures her
e) you're too sensitive
A bunch of people will tell you "she's jealous" it is usually not true and they are unthinking parrots. If you are upset, it's on you to either drop it or clarify it or take your distance.
He nailed it0 -
Thanks for everyone's replies! I honestly didn't see that maybe I am talking about it too much (I consciously tried not to bring it up, or randomly start talking about nutrition or food, rather just address it when it came up) but obviously, if I'm always just saying I'm not hungry, I shouldn't spend the money, etc. I'm always just rejecting. I definitely need to be more proactive in suggesting other options! In my mind I was only changing the snacking aspect of our relationship but she probably sees it as changing everything!0
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seltzermint555 wrote: »Don't let her sabotage you and cause you to second-guess your efforts. You've gotta do this stuff for you and your future self, future body, etc.
Because of your age and the situations you have described, I don't think your friend is being mean. You probably aren't (either of you) super chubby. She probably thinks there is no need for you to change or "get healthier" and she probably sees it as a threat to fun carefree times and snacking together for pleasure. Fair enough, right? But yeah...I would distance myself too, if I were you.
In a way I view the situation you describe almost like someone who is college aged and parties a lot, trying to distance themselves from friends who enjoy drinking wayyyy too much. But for your friend it's food. I think the same thing would apply - distance yourself a bit from her, try to do things that DO NOT focus on consumption, and if that doesn't work, totally distance yourself.
I'd say "explain your health kick to her" but I am pretty sure she wouldn't care or get it. Best of luck!
Thanks for your advice! This sums up pretty much what I was thinking and plan to do. My BMI did go just over to the overweight range (I know, not the most accurate but kind of a wake up call to someone who's been planted firmly in the normal range her whole life) and she's unapologetic about her eating habits because to her, that's how she manages stress. But I think you hit it spot on when you said she sees it as the end of fun, carefree times, thanks for replying!
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Sometimes people bond over certain activities. They might plan their next dinner out and afterwards try the new ice cream shop. Or how about that great bagel and scone store that just opened- perfect for brunch. Or maybe the bars you'll hit next weekend and the new drink you read about. If you change that, you might fundamentally change the basis for your friendship.
I also doubt she'd jealous. I suspect that she's frustrated that her friend is changing some of the foundations that the friendship was built on. This friendship may not survive, but you'll find new friends who are health and fitness orientated and you may find you have a lot more in common with them, and have a lot more fun with them as well.0 -
I think you should say 'yes I'm on a health kick and it's making me feel good but your remarks are pretty discouraging. If you don't respect what I'm doing, then let's have a rest from seeing each other for a bit.' She sounds pretty mean, saying that it's not working. Totally unnecessary for her to be cruel. spend time with people who care about their health. You might find new friends at a weight loss group and you could have fun times trying out healthy recipes or new sports. You have moved on from junk addicted friends and activities.0
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Hmm, bye bye. She is not a friend. Get rid of the people that are negative.
I agree... Im surprised how many people say you are prob talking too much about your health kick. She actually said whatever you are doing isnt working??? She sounds like a real see you next Tuesday lol.
Id bring it up with her since you are in such close contact with her.. It doesn't really sound like you can take a break from her without running into her... And good for you.. I wish i had your willpower!!!
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If you are good friends be honest but not in a hostile way obviously , about how you feel when she belittles your efforts she may surprise you with her response
Think of her feelings you may have come across as preachy overbearing or judgemental in your enthusiasm
She might feel threatened by your attitude but good friends are hard to find0 -
When you make the choice to become healthier you become a mirror for those around you who are not. They don't like the constant reminder that they are fat, lazy, unmotivated, etc. it's easier to bring someone else down than to work on yourself. You will come up against this again, you have to decide how you are going yo deal with it. Me personally, I dump unsupportive people immediately.0
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Eh, I would approach it differently:
"Want to make brownies?" "Sure!" (then adjust my other meal plans to make my calorie goal, or eat one and bring the rest home for later)
"Want to get pancakes?" "Sounds good." (adjust my dinner now that I'm having a larger breakfast)
"I want to celebrate at this restaurant!" "Okay" (look at the menu in advance, pick something reasonable, and plan it in to my daily calories, even if that means skipping other meals that day)
When I began this in the summer, I decided I wasn't going to let losing weight & exercising more define my life. Sometimes food is a social thing, and in those cases, I don't let my health and fitness goals impinge on my relationships with family and friends. For example I was recently invited to a pizza party. I went and enjoyed myself, but I met my calorie goals by eating fewer slices than I would have before. I don't think anyone else even noticed or cared.
For that matter, pancakes, pizza, etc. are not necessarily unhealthy to begin with. Diets are healthy or unhealthy, not foods, and the health impact of a diet depends a lot on your current state of health and your health goals. Even cookies or brownies can fit in to a healthy diet.
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rankinsect wrote: »Eh, I would approach it differently:
"Want to make brownies?" "Sure!" (then adjust my other meal plans to make my calorie goal, or eat one and bring the rest home for later)
"Want to get pancakes?" "Sounds good." (adjust my dinner now that I'm having a larger breakfast)
"I want to celebrate at this restaurant!" "Okay" (look at the menu in advance, pick something reasonable, and plan it in to my daily calories, even if that means skipping other meals that day)
When I began this in the summer, I decided I wasn't going to let losing weight & exercising more define my life. Sometimes food is a social thing, and in those cases, I don't let my health and fitness goals impinge on my relationships with family and friends. For example I was recently invited to a pizza party. I went and enjoyed myself, but I met my calorie goals by eating fewer slices than I would have before. I don't think anyone else even noticed or cared.
For that matter, pancakes, pizza, etc. are not necessarily unhealthy to begin with. Diets are healthy or unhealthy, not foods, and the health impact of a diet depends a lot on your current state of health and your health goals. Even cookies or brownies can fit in to a healthy diet.
No offence, but its a lot easier for men to work in a reasonable portion of pancakes, brownies and cookies than it is for us girls without having to go hungry for parts of the day (and I get hangry, so thats not really an option lol).0 -
I find it best to talk about "how *you* feel" when she says rude comments. Trying to guess and confronting her about how she views your dieting is a waste of time since it will probably turn her defensive, even if what you guess might be true
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is your friend big? probably not. I have a friend I work with who is always trying to send me food home, she loves cooking and I don't think she is mean, she just doesn't get it, doesn't have a weight problem. She also has a supportive family and expects me to be around my family like she likes being around hers, there again she doesn't get it. We have other stuff in common but this stuff is best just not to talk about around her.0
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Talk to her. Find activities that do not revolve around food.0
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annette_15 wrote: »rankinsect wrote: »Eh, I would approach it differently:
"Want to make brownies?" "Sure!" (then adjust my other meal plans to make my calorie goal, or eat one and bring the rest home for later)
"Want to get pancakes?" "Sounds good." (adjust my dinner now that I'm having a larger breakfast)
"I want to celebrate at this restaurant!" "Okay" (look at the menu in advance, pick something reasonable, and plan it in to my daily calories, even if that means skipping other meals that day)
When I began this in the summer, I decided I wasn't going to let losing weight & exercising more define my life. Sometimes food is a social thing, and in those cases, I don't let my health and fitness goals impinge on my relationships with family and friends. For example I was recently invited to a pizza party. I went and enjoyed myself, but I met my calorie goals by eating fewer slices than I would have before. I don't think anyone else even noticed or cared.
For that matter, pancakes, pizza, etc. are not necessarily unhealthy to begin with. Diets are healthy or unhealthy, not foods, and the health impact of a diet depends a lot on your current state of health and your health goals. Even cookies or brownies can fit in to a healthy diet.
No offence, but its a lot easier for men to work in a reasonable portion of pancakes, brownies and cookies than it is for us girls without having to go hungry for parts of the day (and I get hangry, so thats not really an option lol).
That's not a universal truth. Not all women cut their calories to a low enough level where having a cookie or brownie here or there makes diet adherence difficult or less easy than it is for a man. Doing that is a personal choice, not a requirement, to lose weight.0 -
rankinsect wrote: »Eh, I would approach it differently:
"Want to make brownies?" "Sure!" (then adjust my other meal plans to make my calorie goal, or eat one and bring the rest home for later)
"Want to get pancakes?" "Sounds good." (adjust my dinner now that I'm having a larger breakfast)
"I want to celebrate at this restaurant!" "Okay" (look at the menu in advance, pick something reasonable, and plan it in to my daily calories, even if that means skipping other meals that day)
When I began this in the summer, I decided I wasn't going to let losing weight & exercising more define my life. Sometimes food is a social thing, and in those cases, I don't let my health and fitness goals impinge on my relationships with family and friends. For example I was recently invited to a pizza party. I went and enjoyed myself, but I met my calorie goals by eating fewer slices than I would have before. I don't think anyone else even noticed or cared.
For that matter, pancakes, pizza, etc. are not necessarily unhealthy to begin with. Diets are healthy or unhealthy, not foods, and the health impact of a diet depends a lot on your current state of health and your health goals. Even cookies or brownies can fit in to a healthy diet.
All good points! If we were celebrating something specific, like the other day, I would ABSOLUTELY let her choose and just plan ahead! But, I know myself. As much as I would love it if it wasn't this way, I just don't have the willpower to just have one brownie or cookie or whatever it may be. Especially if we're sitting and chatting and they're just there. The willpower is something I need to work on. And what's more, if I said yes and had sweets every time she suggested I feel like I'd always be eating sweets, which is kind of why I'm on MFP in the first place!0
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