Huge Self Confidence Hit for a Bride-to-Be

kgs0201
kgs0201 Posts: 459 Member
edited September 28 in Motivation and Support
Posted this in the Brides board but have decided I'd like a wider range of opinions so with a bit of fear over what the wider community will say here goes...

I am now the crazy bride who is overly upset that my fiance got not one but TWO lap dances at his bachelor party a WEEK before our wedding. I do not feel in any way that he "cheated" on me. I do understand that it was not him but the other guys who decided to buy these lap dances (honestly he has never even expressed interest in going to a strip club let alone getting a lap dance). I 100% fully trust my fiance, that is not the issue at all so please refrain from any comments that maybe it is a trust issue.

So what's the issue? The issue is that for the last five years, the only naked woman's body he has had in his face was MINE. Now I've got this permanent image of some tall skinny bimbo dangling her fake boobs in my fiance's face for FIVE MINUTES! I am not a tall skinny fake boobed bimbo. I am a short, fit (after 8 months of working my *kitten* off) and small chested average woman. Up until him getting these two lap dances, I have always been very confident that my body was what he found sexy. HIm getting these lap dances has basically destroyed my confidence and I am now embarrassed and self conscious of my small chest.

I'm sure I will get over this eventually, and I'm not saying he shouldn't have gone to the strip club, just him getting a lap dance hurt me more than I thought it would. I don't want this to ruin our wedding or our honeymoon and I've briefly told him that it really bothers me but I don't think this is his issue... it's a self-confidence issue on my part. I know that I can't change it now which is why I haven't screamed at him over it. That wouldn't help anything. I just need to know how to get over it. I know that time would make me get over it, but we're getting married on SUNDAY. So I'm hoping someone here knows the magic thing to say to make me feel better.

:-(
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Replies

  • 6heatherb6
    6heatherb6 Posts: 469 Member
    don't do it ....he could have walked away....he didn't....
    sorry but you asked for our opinions....there is NO "MAGIC' WAY
  • Caitie1986
    Caitie1986 Posts: 72 Member
    It'll be ok, honey. This week you are way too stressed out to understand what really does and doesn't matter. I remember when I got married even little things threw me into fits of hysteria and tears. Don't talk about it or think about until you guys are back from the honeymoon, and then don't talk about it after that. If it was a one time thing at a bachelor party and it isn't going to happen again, it isn't worth the fight that will ensue from confronting him about it. Take a deep breath, count to ten, and remind your self that you love him no matter what. :)
  • jonikeffer
    jonikeffer Posts: 218 Member
    There is no reason for you to feel bad because obviously he does like your body type, since he chose to have it for the rest of his life! He didn't even choose the girls he had lap dances from most likely, so you don't need to worry that he prefers something else. Like you yourself said, his friends bought him the dances. Guys really can't say no in those situations, even if they wanted to they feel like they can't. Try to picture him sitting there, uncomfortable, just waiting for it to be over. Most likely that is what was going on in his head anyway. :laugh:
  • SmashleeWpg
    SmashleeWpg Posts: 567 Member
    He's marrying you on Sunday! That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? :)

    Have a GREAT wedding!
  • Caitie1986
    Caitie1986 Posts: 72 Member
    Also, he loves you, too.
  • Mveler
    Mveler Posts: 274 Member
    If YOU was not what was sexy to him, he wouldnt still be with you and planning to marry you.

    Men are visual creatures and that being said, if you once felt sexy, then have no fear that you are still his sexy bride to be.
  • RhonndaJ
    RhonndaJ Posts: 1,615 Member
    Okay, I don't know if this will help you or not, but it's what hit me.

    You say yourself that he didn't choose to have the lap dances, it was something his friends arranged.

    But you he chose.

    Seems to me it's pretty clear that he likes what you've got.
  • liquidjem
    liquidjem Posts: 138 Member
    I don't have any magic...

    But, I think that you are like most women and sometimes little things hurt a lot more than guys think. I once told my fiance to let me know if I was gaining a lot of weight or was I hate to say it "fat" well, he took me at that and one day he told me that I was gaining weight...I was furious! But, I asked. It took me some time to get over that. I joined this site and am working on my body and weight issues, not for him, but for me. I think that if your fiance didn't think you were one hot lady, he would not have asked you to be with him till death.

    Know that you will be a glowing and beautiful bride and then I am sure you will forget all about this once your honeymoon and happily ever after begin!
  • JAG48
    JAG48 Posts: 6 Member
    I am also a bride to be and am worried about this also when my fiance goes to his Bachelor. The only thing that makes me feel better is that honestly those girls are not even cute! They may seem like it in movies but I've heard so many stories of how "gross" they are that I honestly would be less jealous of the stripper and more mad that he went to a strip club in the first place. You look beautiful and I wouldn't let it bug you one bit! And I've learned my lesson about those "wedding" website boards... a bunch of self serving girls who have nothing better to do than knock you down and dissect every word you say. I know it's hard to not let it bug you but it's not worthy of your time... you have better things to do than worry about some low class **** who makes money by walking around naked for strange men.... like being a BEAUTIFUL and classy bride! :o)
  • bmmadden
    bmmadden Posts: 499 Member
    Congrats on your upcoming marriage!! Since he has been with you for five years I'm sure your exactly what he wants in the way your built other wise he would've been looking at one of those places for his future bride, plus if hes like any other bachelor he was probably drunk when he got the dances so he doesn't even remember or even care for the matter what he was even thinking about when he got them. But just looking at your profile pic I would say your a beautiful young lady and you look great in the swimsuit and I'm sure that's exactly what he wants, I cant wait until I get to my goal but I have ways to go however you look amazing so congratulations again on your marriage as well as your weight loss you will be a beautiful bride
  • AlexzKT
    AlexzKT Posts: 131 Member
    Aw this broke my heart! Here are my two cents:

    Yes, maybe those girls looked way hotter in a bikini (or naked for that matter) than you think you do. Maybe their boobs are bigger (fake or not)... but let's face it - these girls are giving lap dances for their money, so their beauty is likely only skin deep.

    You've got SO MUCH more going for you. Not only are you HOT physically (cite profile pic), but you're hot intellectually as well. And this your fiance knows. He might look at girls and acknowledge that sure, they've got a hot bod, but they won't attract him the same way you do because you've got the FULL package. Seriously. You're hot, smart, and you don't need to give lap dances to guys to feel good about yourself.

    So you can feel a little self-conscious for a while, if you must - but then snap out of it!

    Because: You. Are. So. Much. Better. Period.
  • riannenrings
    riannenrings Posts: 142 Member
    Kristen, I can relate to what you are feeling. Walking away in the face of your friends can be pretty tough for anyone to do, not just men. I often find myself severely jealous when walking with my bf and a hot woman walks by. or when there is something hot on tv. its dumb i know but i feel furious sometimes. its not an issue with trust its an issue with my insecurity. the only way I have found myself to be able to let it go, is to remind myself that someday I will be old and feel like i cant compete with any young woman so if i want to set myself up and allow myself to feel like this every time a young woman walks by i am going to have a long road ahead of me. remind yourself, YOU'RE hot, you're the one he is willing to marry!!! you feel jealous, which is normal.... maybe its also a little about loss of control...also normal to not like how that feels. you've got to let it go. i know its hard, but dont let some skank at a strip club ruin your wedding, because TRUST me, your fiance knows what all kinds of naked woman's bodies are like, through past experiences, tv, movies, etc. its nothing he hasnt seen before. dont make it hard on yourself by imagining it was some crazy hot experience he could never forget... it was just a skank at a strip club. your the one he loves and is willing to marry. he could get the same experience on tv as he did there. theres no use in fighting it. just accept it, you dont have to like it, but you should just let it go..... i hope that was somewhat helpful...<3
  • sarahlyzzibeth
    sarahlyzzibeth Posts: 108
    Hon, I'm sorry this is causing you pain. But if I can offer just a bit of assurance... the way I see it, a bimbo swinging her implants in front of his face may have been entertaining at the moment... but that's just a moment. the love and intimacy that you two share is for a lifetime. He cares more about you than he will EVER care about the bimbo, and he has proved that by asking you to marry him. You have said that you trust him, and I know he trusts you just as much. There's nothing sexier than mutual trust and love and affection :)
    And I think Jonikeffer said it right.... he obviously likes your body type since he chose to have it for the rest of his life.
  • MelHoneyRocks
    MelHoneyRocks Posts: 223
    Tell him how you feel, that is the only way. Communication is key!
    I am sure he will make you feel better and after that you can enjoy your marital bliss.

    and he is marrying you...not them.
  • sweetCJ
    sweetCJ Posts: 144
    Sorry sweety, there is no |majic" word to make you feel better. All I can say is that you are absolutly beautiful and your husband to be is choosing you, not the fake boob bimbo at the strip club. I would feel the same way as you, so I understand. I refused to let my husband have a bachelor party, so it makes me worst than you. What I can maybe suggest is that if he did like the lap dance, why not give him one...just a thought!
  • allisoncook87
    allisoncook87 Posts: 160 Member
    You're way hotter than any woman who sells her body I'm sure he shares the same opinion I do.
  • MrsVagus
    MrsVagus Posts: 82
    Boys will be boys... no biggie! Just make sure to give him a lap dance he'll remember more soon! :blushing:
  • PlanetVelma
    PlanetVelma Posts: 1,223 Member
    Okay, I don't know if this will help you or not, but it's what hit me.

    You say yourself that he didn't choose to have the lap dances, it was something his friends arranged.

    But you he chose.

    Seems to me it's pretty clear that he likes what you've got.

    Exactly!!!

    He's being honest with you, right? He told you about his bachelor party shennigans, so I don't think you have anything to worry about. Now if he did NOT tell you and you found out through the grape vine that would be a totally different set of circumstances.
  • vayax
    vayax Posts: 152 Member
    He's marrying you on Sunday! That pretty much says it all, doesn't it? :)

    Have a GREAT wedding!

    I totally understand your point, but as many here say, he IS marrying YOU, not the skinny bimbo with fake boobs.

    Enjoy your wedding!
  • shiseido_faerie
    shiseido_faerie Posts: 771 Member
    Okay, I don't know if this will help you or not, but it's what hit me.

    You say yourself that he didn't choose to have the lap dances, it was something his friends arranged.

    But you he chose.

    Seems to me it's pretty clear that he likes what you've got.

    That about sums it up! Those dances were just a stupid bachelor party thing that his friends chose for him as the 'macho' way to celebrate his 'last days of freedom' as they tend to put it, he didn't choose that, it's what his friends planned. He on the other hand DID choose you, he thinks you're sexy, he chose to have your beautiful self with him for the rest of his life! Have a wonderful wedding!
  • SLambertAlaska
    SLambertAlaska Posts: 197 Member
    There is no reason for you to feel bad because obviously he does like your body type, since he chose to have it for the rest of his life! He didn't even choose the girls he had lap dances from most likely, so you don't need to worry that he prefers something else. Like you yourself said, his friends bought him the dances. Guys really can't say no in those situations, even if they wanted to they feel like they can't. Try to picture him sitting there, uncomfortable, just waiting for it to be over. Most likely that is what was going on in his head anyway. :laugh:

    I totally agree with this. In addition, think of this: with Victoria's Secret adds on tv during prime time now-a-days (just one example . . . ), there's no avoiding the porn that has infused our culture. I'm glad you are fully aware that those were fake boobs on his lap dancing (insert your own noun here). Being with someone who gets paid to do it and being with someone who you love are in completely different categories. Watch the glow on his face on Sunday and know that he's with you for love (ok, some lust in there, too - you're young after all!) not for money.

    If it helps, think of how badly her oversized "girls" are going to sag when she's 50, while you'll be fit and firm.

    bty: you look GREAT!
  • KidP
    KidP Posts: 247 Member
    Guys (and i'm not counting your husband to be here) can be idiots to their friends.

    One of the idiotic things that guys do is the bachelor party. I remember going to one where a bunch of fellows made my buddy drink so much that he threw up all over himself, and they thought this was "fun" & they kept pushing him to drink more until myself & a friend took the bottle away from them, and it almost came to blows. Unfortunately there is an expectation that the bachelor will be complacent & go along with whatever his buddies throw at him. This is truly a ridiculous part of male culture in this part of the world. It is a load of garbage & it sounds like that's the situation your fiance was put in. He was probably mortified the entire time it was all happening and thinking something like "how did i get into this mess".
  • nc1191
    nc1191 Posts: 51 Member
    Aw this broke my heart! Here are my two cents:

    Yes, maybe those girls looked way hotter in a bikini (or naked for that matter) than you think you do. Maybe their boobs are bigger (fake or not)... but let's face it - these girls are giving lap dances for their money, so their beauty is likely only skin deep.

    You've got SO MUCH more going for you. Not only are you HOT physically (cite profile pic), but you're hot intellectually as well. And this your fiance knows. He might look at girls and acknowledge that sure, they've got a hot bod, but they won't attract him the same way you do because you've got the FULL package. Seriously. You're hot, smart, and you don't need to give lap dances to guys to feel good about yourself.

    So you can feel a little self-conscious for a while, if you must - but then snap out of it!

    Because: You. Are. So. Much. Better. Period.

    I couldn't have said it better myself. I can imagine it was quite a blow to your confidence, but he's in love with YOU and he's marrying YOU. And at least he was honest with you and told you what happened. You have so much going for you, I mean look how far you've come on your journey! I would just brush it off and enjoy your wedding. Congrats! :smile:
  • MrsCon40
    MrsCon40 Posts: 2,351 Member
    He's marrying the more modestly busted girl, so that's what turns him on :wink:
  • kgs0201
    kgs0201 Posts: 459 Member
    With the exception of poster number 1, thank you so much for all of your incredibly nice posts. It really is helping and I didn't really even think about him being most likely very drunk. Also, I got a bit of a chuckle when I read the comment about thinking about how incredibly uncomfortable he was, because knowing him he was probably beyond uncomfortable.

    Also - the poster who said that this close to the wedding, everything stresses you out. Um yes. 100% true. I feel like I cry at the drop of a dime these days. I'm sure once this weekend hits and all of the festivities happen this will be as far from my mind as possible.
    Sorry sweety, there is no |majic" word to make you feel better. All I can say is that you are absolutly beautiful and your husband to be is choosing you, not the fake boob bimbo at the strip club. I would feel the same way as you, so I understand. I refused to let my husband have a bachelor party, so it makes me worst than you. What I can maybe suggest is that if he did like the lap dance, why not give him one...just a thought!

    The giving him a lap dance thing is actually what kind of got me originally so worked up over this. I mean I've "tried" to give him a lap dance in the past but I have absolutely NO rhythm so I always felt silly doing it anyway. Now I feel like I could never do it again because I'd be competing with his memory of a pro (these were his first lap dances ever).

    Yes ridiculous I know. Thank you for all of the helpful and supportive comments so far!
  • natekorpusik
    natekorpusik Posts: 176 Member
    don't do it ....he could have walked away....he didn't....
    sorry but you asked for our opinions....there is NO "MAGIC' WAY

    WHAT????? Seriously. So for every girlfriend, fiance, or wife that has had a boyfriend, fiance, or husband go to a strip club.... you say that all the women should leave them..... What a lonely world you live in. Unrealistic at best. Sorry, but it's true. And yes I am a man... getting married in July to the woman of my dreams. Yes I have been to strip clubs. I don't cheat, I come home to my lovely fiance. Men get a bad rap sometimes. No guy is perfect, but a strip club is not a reason to leave your man. Honestly, go with your man sometime.... to a nice high end club where you can see for yourself that the BOTH of you could actually have a good time. Most strippers don't care and are just trying to make a living. The original poster seems to have her head on straight and understands that there is a confidence issue. She should be honest and open with her man and talk to him about it. You will find out how supportive he can be I am sure this could even turn in a laugh down the road.

    To echo some of the other posters.... he is marrying you.... free will....he could stay single if he wanted and go to strip clubs all the time. He obviously loves you and you are attractive to him. I know the stress a wedding can cause, as mine is merely a month and a half away. Enjoy your day. Don't fret too much about the little things and stand by him.... for better or for worse.... in sickness and in health.
  • brewingaz
    brewingaz Posts: 1,136 Member
    It's ok, he's in love with you!

    I'm surprised he only had two...at mine I had a whole bunch more ha ha
  • Newmammaluv
    Newmammaluv Posts: 379 Member
    I have the same issue with my husband watching porn... it has nothing to do with anything other than my own low self confidence. You know what WILL make you feel better??? Smokin hot sexy lingerie (if they make it for women my size I know they make it in yours) and get a little dirty yourself. He may not have turned away a lap dance (what guy wants to look p.whipped to his friends?!?!?!) but I PROMISE you if that lap dance comes from his smokin hot new bride on your honeymoon neither one of you will EVER forget it. The key isn't making yourself ok with what has been done or even trying to psych yourself out of the hurt. The real key is feeeeling yourself that you turn him on.
  • krstnmclrk
    krstnmclrk Posts: 3
    ok so first of all you look FANTASTIC! don't worry about the lap dances...i know it's easier said than done but when it comes down to it you have an amazing natural body. i think a lot of the time the people that have the real body issues are the ones that choose surgery to fix their self esteem rather than being happy with what they have so don't let this little thing get to you. your fiance is with you because he finds you sexy and he wouldn't be getting married to you if he didn't feel that way. we've all been out drinking and gotten wrapped up in the moment. the guys i know like to do stupid stuff like buy their friends lap dances (like it's some special gift or joke at their friends expense). i don't know if you've ever been to a strip club but they aren't the most beautiful places and personally i think it's more of a "that's what you do on your stag" thing than anything else. my dad has always said to me that the best way to decide whether something is worth worrying about is to sit back and think "will this matter in 5 years". yes your beautiful wedding will matter in 5 years but the fact that your fiance got a couple of lap dances at his stag shouldn't effect where you will be in 5 years. you stated that he doesn't go to strip clubs regualrly so i don't think you should spend another moment thinking about it (i'm quite sure he hasn't). you've worked very hard to be where you are right now so sit back and enjoy how good you look and how amazing your wedding is going to be. congratulations and i hope your wedding is everything you hoped for =)
  • macantrell
    macantrell Posts: 112 Member
    I look at your photo and think wow she will be a beautiful bride. Push these thoughts out of your mind and concentrate your wonderful life ahead. He has choosen YOU! Don't give this bimbo the power of another second of your time. He is going to be your husband, he wants you... all of you mind spirit and body. 5 mins doesn't change his feelings for you. Congratulation on meeting your goal and your upcoming Wedding. You are going to knock his socks off when he see you in your gown! I hope we get to see your wedding photo!
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