Really struggling
crazyears
Posts: 50
Hi everyone, I am really struggling this week and could really use some advice.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years and have a great relationship, we rarely ever fight and never say things to intentionally hurt each other. Last Friday we got into what should have been a stupid, little argument. For some reason (stress at work, money problems, the heat) neither of us were able to let it go and it has gotten out of control.
He did not talk to me at all for 5 days and then yesterday I tried to apologize for my part and work through this. It might be wrong but my main motivation for this is my HUGE emotional eating problem and knowing that we needed to work past this to get me back on a healthy path. He accepted my apology but explained that he wasn't ready to move on.
Last night he sat down by me and started to talk. I was super happy because it was the first conversation he had initiated since Friday. After listening to what he said I think his only intention was to hurt my feelings and that is messing with my head and my heart (and my waistline!).
He told me about a hot, really skinny girl with breast implants at work who went off on maternity leave. She recently came back and is skinnier and hotter than before. He asked me how I thought that was possible and I didn't even know what to say as I had a baby 9 months ago, lost some of the weight only to gain more back. He knows that this is the only thing in my life that I struggle with and how sad my weight issues make me.
Okay, that was really long but I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading, I could really use some advice. Am I being too sensitive and if I am how do I get past my hurt feelings.
My husband and I have been together for 15 years and have a great relationship, we rarely ever fight and never say things to intentionally hurt each other. Last Friday we got into what should have been a stupid, little argument. For some reason (stress at work, money problems, the heat) neither of us were able to let it go and it has gotten out of control.
He did not talk to me at all for 5 days and then yesterday I tried to apologize for my part and work through this. It might be wrong but my main motivation for this is my HUGE emotional eating problem and knowing that we needed to work past this to get me back on a healthy path. He accepted my apology but explained that he wasn't ready to move on.
Last night he sat down by me and started to talk. I was super happy because it was the first conversation he had initiated since Friday. After listening to what he said I think his only intention was to hurt my feelings and that is messing with my head and my heart (and my waistline!).
He told me about a hot, really skinny girl with breast implants at work who went off on maternity leave. She recently came back and is skinnier and hotter than before. He asked me how I thought that was possible and I didn't even know what to say as I had a baby 9 months ago, lost some of the weight only to gain more back. He knows that this is the only thing in my life that I struggle with and how sad my weight issues make me.
Okay, that was really long but I needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading, I could really use some advice. Am I being too sensitive and if I am how do I get past my hurt feelings.
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Replies
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My advice? your husband is a ****. There was no reason for that at all.0
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lots and lots of hugs to you sweet heart!!!! If I was in the same situation as you I would be really hurt too! What I would do to help me is look at those beautiful children you have and keep telling yourself they NEED you to be there for them and to do that you NEED to be healthy!! Put more of your focus on your kids for now until your husband grows up and gets over this. ((((HUGS))))0
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I definitely think you need to talk to him again and tell him how you are feeling. No real words of advice, just wanted to tell you I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch. Positive thoughts being sent you way.0
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Are you kididng me? Are you being too sensitive? Ummmm....NO! That is a horrid and disrespectful thing to say and do. IDC if you were at your ideal weight and happy with your body fully that is so disrespectful. I am so sorry. I don't even have advice to give, because my advice would probably be counter-productive.
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I don't know the entire situation but it sounds like he is being awfully hateful. You need to concentrate on you and ignore what he says. You are what matters. And let your children be your motivation.
good luck to you0 -
something I have learned being in a long term relationship is that some men- when they feel threatened or attacked in any way, they are like a porcupine, putting up their bristles and hurting whoever comes near them when they are threatened, yet when they don't feel vulnerable, their bristles are down and they are nice. Make sure your husband first feels confident and validated and then explain what hurt your feelings. He is probably frustrated that he can't make things better for you, after all, men want to fix things! Best of luck0
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Yes he is intentionally trying to hurt you.
My advice:
Step 1: Eat as little as you possibly can survive on and drop weight dramatically fast for a while. Every time you think about eating imagine him treating you like dirt and drooling over this fake boob lady.
Step 2: Ignore him. Be really cold to him and act like you don't care about anything.
That's what I'd do, anyway.0 -
I've learned that only you can make you happy, you didn't deserve the silent treatment or his ridiculous conversaton, I say focus on your kids and you. Hang in there. :flowerforyou:0
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The most important thing here is - don't eat your emotions! I'm a comfort eater too and I've had some major ups and downs in the last year and I've learned that eating your emotions adds to your problems - it doesn't solve them and the comfort doesn't last! I've lost a total of 41lbs now (even though my ticker says 35lbs - that's because I haven't included the weight I lost before starting MFP properly) Anyway - a large part of my success in losing the weight is dealing with my problems without the help of food - and now I'm lighter - I still have problems - but I don't have the added burden of being overweight and feeling as worthless as I did!
However you decide to handle this - don't handle it with food!
Good luck xxx0 -
Wow your husband is a real *kitten* HOLE!0
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Well honey I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. And also sorry to hear that your husband is not being supportive, from what I have read.
1st everyone's body is different, if he need clarification do the research for him so he can truly understand that there are some women who have babies, and lose all the weight in a few weeks, and then there are those who have a harder time.
2nd even if it was taking you a longer time he is your lifelong partner, supposed to be your bestfriend, and should be there for you holding your hands, Its good if he is trying to help you, but its horriblethat he compares you to some other woman. you are his wife not some hooch of the street.
I find this to be the most important, we need to love our husbands but most importantly we need to love ourselves. Because if we do not love ourselves we can not truly give others our greatest love. If he is hurting you on purpose you need to remember that it is not because of you, its his own insecurities. And if you feel there is something behind his behaviour you should consider counseling.. And if he does not want to go you should go.
You are amazing just the way you are, I do not have to know you but God created you just the way you are for a reason. You are beautiful.0 -
He's being a total jerk! That's all I can say about that0
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I hate reading that....it isn't an easy situation that is for sure because you are already down and that doesn't help AT ALL...I have an amazing husband as well, we have been married for 10 years (as of next month) and when things were in a "lull" in our life I made him respond to me when I asked him this question....I asked him "are you still attracted to me".....and I guess in my heart I knew how he felt as our sex life was changing and he wasn't nearly as cuddly as before etc. He cried...and answered honestly....which of course p***ed me off....HOWEVER, the reason I am telling you this is because of the outcome....I went to NY to help with my grandma for 2 weeks and he had our daughters here. He saw what I did in a daily routine, the stresses, the fighting with girls etc and when I came back after that break he apologized and said that I might not be a size "10" but I was the love of his life. Since then, things have been much better....
Sometimes these guys think the grass is greener on the other side and that this "hot little body" will make life soo much happier...it isn't until they find out that it isn't greener and what he has is a great wife, mom, and partner in life beside him. The problem is, does he realize that before it is too late?!
I encourage you to resist the urge to give into the emotional eating....strive to better YOU for YOU AND YOUR BABY! Let this be a stepping stone of over coming a very difficult change in your life and from that YOU will gain. Do not let someone (even your loving husband) tear you down where you are going back on something you have worked so hard for....
Feel free to friend request me...I am more than glad to be there for you! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK....look in the mirror and be happy with YOU....and all else will fall into place!!!
Good luck
Jen0 -
I am really sad to hear this. To begin, I find it disrespectful to speak about another woman's figure to compare to yours. Everyone's body respons differently to pregnancy. Some women can have babies and pop back to their normal size and for others it takes more effort. Second, it is important for you to lose weight for YOU and not to impress anyone else. Let your motivation be a healthier life and to be able to enjoy great experiences with your child(ren). If you want to lose weight to impress your husband or to compete with someone he works with, or your next door neighbor, or whomever, the weight loss will not last. I do believe in the sanctity of marriage but I think you definitely need to let him know that it is not acceptable to speak of another womans "hotness". You can't control his thoughts but you can control how he speaks to you. During this time you need someone who is going to encourage you; not discourage you or diminish your self esteem.0
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I really don't think you are. Those are some hurtful words, especially since he know's it's something you've struggled with and plays with your self esteem. Now, let me remind you that not everyone's body is the same and that this super hot chick with the fake boobs is probably one of those lucky girls that just gained baby weight, and that's all. I know lots of girls that are like that, and then there's me who looks at food and somehow, I've absorbed all the calories without eating a thing :laugh: What you need to remember is #1 the only person who's opinion should count right now is yours (easier said then done, I know, but still) #2 your working on bettering yourself and it's not something that's going to happen overnight, there will be struggles but it will be worth it in the end #3 your a mom, so that automatically makes you beautiful no matter what
#4 you are beautiful no matter what, and maybe it's time you remind your husband of that fact. You chose each other for a reason, and I hope it had more to do with the way you look. I mean come on, I've been with my man for 10 years, and I know there are days when I so don't look my best, but that's not why we're together. You guys love each other and that should be all that matters. I hope everything works out for you, remember :flowerforyou: you are georgeous! 0 -
I'm sorry that this situation happened, and yes, your relationship with your husband can either help or hurt your weight loss progress. I am curious as to whether this is typical of your husband's behavior, but I am guessing it is not since you didn't seem to mention it in the post as a regular occurrence. I don't know if his intentions were to hurt you, protect himself, or maybe rooted in some other issue going on, but perhaps it would be good for y'all to seek couple's counseling, if nothing else in order to communicate with one another in a safe environment, really learning to listen to one another and find out how to better support one another. Marriage is the foundation of a family, and helping it to stay strong is so important. I am not saying you are at fault, just merely saying that sometimes it helps to go to an unbiased source to receive guidance in improving your relationship so that you and your husband can meet your individual and joint goals, weight loss and otherwise. Best of luck!0
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Yes he is intentionally trying to hurt you.
My advice:
Step 1: Eat as little as you possibly can survive on and drop weight dramatically fast for a while. Every time you think about eating imagine him treating you like dirt and drooling over this fake boob lady.
Step 2: Ignore him. Be really cold to him and act like you don't care about anything.
That's what I'd do, anyway.
I'm sorry, but I wouldn't listen to that advice. That would be bad for you, health wise and emotion wise.
I like to think that people are not all bad, and that our reactions are somewhat out of place, to say the least...
Could he feel threaten by your weight loss? Is he scared that you could run off and find someone better with your new looks?
I know that doesn't excuse in any way his behaviour, and I would have been really hurt too if that had happened to me.
But my best advice would be to sit down and TALK about it. These little mind games never get anybody anywhere.
Surely communication is still an option, considering that you've had a successul marriage for all these years!
I wish you the best and hope that things go back to "normal" very soon! :-)0 -
I am assuming you have been married for 15 years, but how old are both of you? Are you Christians? If you are, then you should both be looking at each other with Christ's love, and he should not be comparing you to another woman. The physical form we have is not what we should love, rather the "I do"s are about committing to the soul of the other person. Their physical form is going to change over the years, whether it is weight or wrinkles, or arthritis.
I agree with others who said you need to let him know the hurt he caused. Remind him of the vows he took, in a gentle way, and that he is to protect your marriage and home, not try to harm it.
Prayer would be a great idea, too.0 -
I'm really sorry dear... that's so uncalled for. I would never even consider saying such a thing to my spouse! We men are pigs by nature, but that is wayyyyyyyyyy over the line! It sounds like your husband is pretty full of himself to me. Everyone's body works different. I see women all the time who have children and go right back to being as skinny as they were. We're not all fortunate enough to be born with or be genetically blessed with the metabolism of a gazelle. He needs to understand that you're trying your best, but he also needs to understand that in no way are you doing this for HIM... You are doing this for YOU!
I'm sending you a friend request. Best of luck, and I hope things get better for you soon! *hugs*0 -
Unlike everyone else here I'm not so quick to say he's a total *kitten* because I don't know him, you, your relationship or what you guys were fighting about to begin with. You mentioned you guys never argue so is this out of character for him? Maybe he wasn't trying to hurt you. I mean, if he was trying to hurt your feelings he would have just said "Angie at work looks great after having her baby.......why do you look like ****?" I think it would help to know what you guys were arguing about to begin with.
Either way, I think you may need to look into seeking help for your relationship with food because the emotional eating thing needs to stop. You shouldn't be looking for happiness in your life just so that you won't overeat. Nothing in your life is ever going to be perfect so you need to nip the real issue in the butt so that when hard times come, you can handle it without sabotaging yourself.
Best wishes and good luck!0 -
Sorry babygirl but your hubs is a douchecanoe simply put!! What an ahole!! First he should never have compared you to another if he loved you he should love you for you!
Screw him honey your beautiful as you are and doing a miraculous job.....We are all here to support you since he seems to be laking in that area
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I have been married 14 yrs and have been through a situation that was simular. Come to find out my husband was threatened by me loosing weight.
My advise-Put yourself and kids 1st. Keep loosing the weight and make peace w/YOU. Put a smile on your face, even if you dont feel like it, sounds corny BUT works! All will fall in place..............you will see.
Many Blessings to you and family!:flowerforyou:0 -
It isn't fair that your hubby compared you to another woman...that is hurtful, I know.
If I were you - though - I'd take that as ammunition to work my *kitten* off.
I had a similar situation with my mother in law after my first child - and it has been fuel to my fire ever since!! FUEL THAT FIRE INSIDE YOU!0 -
Yes he is intentionally trying to hurt you.
My advice:
Step 1: Eat as little as you possibly can survive on and drop weight dramatically fast for a while. Every time you think about eating imagine him treating you like dirt and drooling over this fake boob lady.
Step 2: Ignore him. Be really cold to him and act like you don't care about anything.
That's what I'd do, anyway.
THIS??? NO NO NO!!!! This is horrible advice and sounds like this person already has an ED!!!! Do NOT follow this advice whatsoever!!!!0 -
You are a strong person to even reach out to others here. That is big! :flowerforyou:
Its unfortunate that in our society its all about being "skinny" when hopefully we are all just trying to live healthier! And that plays out in what we eat, how we care for ourselves physically, but also in how we care for ourselves emotionally.
For your husband to knock you where you are most vulnerable is insensitive & cruel. :grumble:
I don't know how HE looks physically, but I'd say he is lacking in compassion and caring right now.
I know the physical is big but remember its so important to care, love, and have compassion for yourself and others! Hugs to you...good luck. I know you will be blessed. 0 -
Sometimes you will not get the answers you want. However I would not focus so much on the one ugly conversation. focus on the 15 good years and pray that God will intervene and work it out. When your husband is ready to come around if you feel it important then you can express to him that his comments did hurt you and that your doing all you can to loose the weight and that you would appericiate his support. Men really think differently then we do and men who do not struggle with weight do not understand "what the problem is."0
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Sounds like an a**hole thing to do to me, but then again, I do not know the whole situation......
Maybe try to focus more on yourself for a bit, don't stress about him or his actions... really concentrate on your eating habits, and just take it day by day....
Also though, if you work, you could always mention the one guy that just started working with you and how attractive he is, maybe ask your husband why he thinks it is that one man can be that F-ing hot......sigh....0 -
Hi, that would hurt anyone. I wont call him names because you say you two have had a wonderful relationship to date and this is not typical. You really can't ignore it and at this time trying to discuss it again wont really work with out the emotions getting in the way. I am not doing too well on the weight myself at the moment so I have no real advice but as the others have said, put your own reasons for wanting to lose weight to the front. Look at that sweet little bundle of joy and know that you will want to run with him. You deserve to be comfortable with yourself. Not a number on the scale but proud of what you look like, sure of who you are and confident in your ability to deal with what ever life throws at you with out eating it. I do that too. I was heavier a couple of my kids but went down after the other two quickly.You can and will lose that "baby" weight but some of us take a bit longer. You are a beautiful new mom ...hubby is off his rocker for the moment. See this as a passing mood but do not allow more of this type of attack. Tell him you will not sit and listen to him tear you down and simply get up and leave the room. In time he will learn he can't talk to you like that. . I do not mean stomp out of the room or snarl at him. You can do this. Hang in there.....Mom of four, married 31 yrs. ..you CAN do this.0
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Wow. I wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue. 'Probably would have said, "Honey, now that is what I love about you... that you are concerned about the *important* things."
I'm so sorry. Sometimes men can be Weiners. 0 -
What an insensitive JERK!!!!
I'm so sorry for you but you have support here and we all know that that was a very mean and hurtful thing he said to you.
*hugs*0
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