Motivating a spouse who has lost all motivation
MrsK912
Posts: 9 Member
I want to motivate my spouse but I feel like my efforts are worthless, or when he finally does get going on something, that he will get pushed back down again by something else.
He is 32 years old. 6'3" and with recent weight gain after surgery is now pushing 300 lbs. In 2015 we filled 94 different prescriptions for him. He currently does not workout and does not eat reasonably.
He is under the care of many different doctors:
Neurologist - Chronic Migraines
Orthopedic - Recent rotator cuff surgery
Sleep Dr. - Apnea
ENT - Complaints of recent sinus issues. They are ordering a CT scan.
Gastro-Intestional - Problems with excessive bowel movements (6+/day, all loose)
Family Dr. - Discussions about high cholesterol/BP. He was told he has a 50% chance of heart attack.
I just want him to be healthy! Not just because selfishly I'd like a new couch instead of paying medical bills constantly (which would be nice!) but because I want him to be here! He is too young for all of this *kitten*! We have a new baby on the way. I broke down crying one night telling him that I was afraid he'd never meet our baby. How can someone be so unlucky? I have terrible thoughts sometimes that he is making things up. I don't think that is true, but the thought runs through my head. Yesterday, he FINALLY did some time on the workout bike without me asking him to. But then at night, there was an emergency for one of our children, and when he ran out of bed he fell and hurt his left ankle. I can guarantee that this will prevent him from using the bike for another month.
I very firmly believe that if he started eating better and working out that many of these problems would resolve themselves. But these doctors are so corrupt that they don't ASK about your diet, or sleep, or exercise, or stress. They are so quick to write out these damn prescriptions. Thus, adding up to a whopping 94 per year for a friggen 32 year old.
Where would you START? He knows already how I feel. I've volunteered to do whatever he does (for example give up soda). I'm lost.
He is 32 years old. 6'3" and with recent weight gain after surgery is now pushing 300 lbs. In 2015 we filled 94 different prescriptions for him. He currently does not workout and does not eat reasonably.
He is under the care of many different doctors:
Neurologist - Chronic Migraines
Orthopedic - Recent rotator cuff surgery
Sleep Dr. - Apnea
ENT - Complaints of recent sinus issues. They are ordering a CT scan.
Gastro-Intestional - Problems with excessive bowel movements (6+/day, all loose)
Family Dr. - Discussions about high cholesterol/BP. He was told he has a 50% chance of heart attack.
I just want him to be healthy! Not just because selfishly I'd like a new couch instead of paying medical bills constantly (which would be nice!) but because I want him to be here! He is too young for all of this *kitten*! We have a new baby on the way. I broke down crying one night telling him that I was afraid he'd never meet our baby. How can someone be so unlucky? I have terrible thoughts sometimes that he is making things up. I don't think that is true, but the thought runs through my head. Yesterday, he FINALLY did some time on the workout bike without me asking him to. But then at night, there was an emergency for one of our children, and when he ran out of bed he fell and hurt his left ankle. I can guarantee that this will prevent him from using the bike for another month.
I very firmly believe that if he started eating better and working out that many of these problems would resolve themselves. But these doctors are so corrupt that they don't ASK about your diet, or sleep, or exercise, or stress. They are so quick to write out these damn prescriptions. Thus, adding up to a whopping 94 per year for a friggen 32 year old.
Where would you START? He knows already how I feel. I've volunteered to do whatever he does (for example give up soda). I'm lost.
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Replies
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I'm sorry. Hugs.
You can lead by example only. Start nagging and some people will turn a deaf ear and may even resent it. You can only do so much. Hang in there.0 -
queenliz99 wrote: »I'm sorry. Hugs.
You can lead by example only. Start nagging and some people will turn a deaf ear and may even resent it. You can only do so much. Hang in there.
I am 18 weeks pregnant and have gotten back to the routine of working out every day. I told him about my efforts and he shrugged it off. I said "aren't you proud of me?" He said "Yeah but all it does it make me look even worse." I am trying to be a good example.0 -
First off, I'd like to say I'm truly sorry for the situation you guys are in. The stress for you must be off the charts. Sadly, I don't have much to offer in the way of advice. Change really has to start with him. The only thing I imagine you can do is maybe gently guide him to think about what he wants in life. I'm imagining he must be quite depressed and never feels good. That's what it took for me to change. I was convinced I had medical issues, maybe several, because I felt so bad so often. I had already had some testing done for some ongoing stomach troubles that had come up negative, and was thinking I would have to go back to the doctor for more. But I decided, since I already was having to limit my diet because of the discomfort, that I may as well try to take some weight off first and see if that helped. Almost a year later, I feel like a different person! It makes me wonder just how many syndromes, intolerances, and other issues people have are just because they are overweight (not that I think that's the case with everyone). It took me a couple of decades to reach the point where I was unhappy enough to make a change. But the good news is, the changes I made were small and I saw improvements so quickly it motivated me to stick with it. Maybe you could find some ideas here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/crucial-conversations/201502/how-change-people-who-dont-want-change0
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connieruehmer wrote: »queenliz99 wrote: »I'm sorry. Hugs.
You can lead by example only. Start nagging and some people will turn a deaf ear and may even resent it. You can only do so much. Hang in there.
I am 18 weeks pregnant and have gotten back to the routine of working out every day. I told him about my efforts and he shrugged it off. I said "aren't you proud of me?" He said "Yeah but all it does it make me look even worse." I am trying to be a good example.
Ouch. That's rough, and it seems like being a good example won't work with him. (Does it ever?)
I'm going to say the second-worst-case scenario out loud: if literally being on 94 medications at the age of 32 doesn't get his butt in gear, he may just have to have that heart attack and have a bad enough health scare to put the fear of God into him.
Having said that, though, it seems really hard to fathom that he's on 94 medications and still more worried about having his feelings hurt than not being alive to see his kids grow up. I don't think his problem is that he needs to get on a bike, I think his problem is that he needs to see a therapist. If you're this (justly!) concerned, it might be time to put your foot down and inform him that there will be marriage counseling happening. That may be more effective than sending him to yet another doctor by himself.
I'm not going to weigh in on whether or not he's a hypochondriac. I am going to say that, out of anyone, you are in the best position to know whether he is or not, so maybe don't be so quick to push away those little alarm bells.0 -
Just focus on you. The kids need at least one healthy parent. You can't force someone to do what they aren't ready to do.
Make sure you have good life insurance.0 -
Hi there...after reading your post, the first thing that came to my mind is...you need a boost! Have you ever watched that movie Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead? There is also a sequel but I think this first movie was better. It's about an overweight billionaire who, like your spouse, considered WL surgery and was given a lot of prescription drugs, until he was just sick and tired of taking pills. (I don't think that he ever did the surgery, but the point is he took action.) I believe that he, next to Jack LaLanne started this new juicing revolution. Juicing with a little exercise might be a way to help with weight loss and cure some of the ailments that your doctors are trying to treat with meds. If you haven't yet, I hope you watch the movie and find some kind of inspiration from it. I wish the best for you and your family. Stay healthy.0
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We can never make someone else change. And, your husband may be having (psychogical, emotional) trouble that you don't know about which is manifesting in his physical challenges. He may also resist efforts to take charge of his health if he feels you're nagging him into it ("Yesterday, he FINALLY did some time on the workout bike without me asking him to."). Of course you want what's best for him and for you, but if he feels that you have contempt toward his efforts it feels like contempt for him.0
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I agree. To a lesser degree I am going through something similar with my wife. I don't want to go into a lot of details about that here and now. You can message me if you like though. My only advice is to stay positive and keep your focus on yourself and your own goals. Let your success be an example, and don't let any negativity bring you down. He will have to make those choices for himself, in his own time... and also remember that everyone is different so what has worked for your success may not be what works for him. I hope that everything works out well for you both!0
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I have a family member (who is older than your husband, but who otherwise is very similar, health-wise) who was in the hospital probably 20 times last year. Most often the staff would just dose her up with NorCo and send her along her miserable way, only for her to be in the hospital again within weeks. After so many times, it gets stressful and exhausting to watch. The feeling of helplessness sets in as you watch these struggles from a place where you can't really do anything to change it for them. This person had gotten about 100 lbs overweight over the course of 12-18 months in large part due to lack of mobility from pain combined with depression. She was also having such bad mental days that we honestly thought she was showing signs of early onset dementia, though no brain scans supported our theory. (In the end, getting off of one of the three depression meds she was prescribed was like a 180 degree turnaround over the course of a single week. Her cognitive problems virtually disappeared once her doctor finally decided to try taking her off Abilify.)
All of which I say just to let you know I'm sure many people out there can sympathize with your side of this plight. I sure can.
Onto the issue of what you can do to help him... dozens of people have posts in the recent pages of Success Stories where they've turned around a myriad of health problems including sleep apnea, chronic pain, IBS, high cholesterol & BP, also diabetes, and even MS, fibromyalgia, (the list goes on) just by making it a priority to make small, positive changes in their approach to diet & exercise. Maybe if you print off a bunch of those success stories and present it to him as a book of encouragement, he will realize he can do something for his own situation. He's got to be miserable with all those doctor visits and meds. But it's got to feel so hopeless when nothing they prescribe really works or has awful side effects.
I also agree with the poster who said therapy might help. He might be so wrapped up in this misery that he can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak. If a professional helps him unravel his feelings about this maybe he can be more productive with how he handles those feelings.
Best of luck to you and your husband.0 -
Compassion compassion compassion. For yourself, your children, your husband and your situation.
It sounds like he's in a pretty intense cycle of negative reinforcement. Poor self-image, physical pain and poor sleep (sleep apnea) not only sap the energy to exercise, they affect mood. His medications (individually or in combination) may also impact his energy level. Most of us are invigorated by exercise, but we've also experienced that initial resistance when starting a routine after a layoff. For someone in your husband's condition, that initial resistance may seem overwhelming. Small steps may help. Can he track his food (no goals, no judgements, only information) for a while that's a great start. If he can do the bike for 10 minutes once a week, that's a start. The smaller, and less intimidating, the first step is, the better. The point is that it is one step on the right path.
From the outside looking in, it sounds like there is a psychological component. Marriage counseling may help the two of you by giving you a space to have a conversation with a professional present to provide support and context. Individual counseling is important too. It really sounds like you're doing everything you can to be supportive, but there may be stuff your husband feels he can't share with you (man-pride is a powerful force). Hanging out and sharing things with buddies over beer is great (really it is), but it would also be good for him to have a private space with a professional. Maybe he just unloads and maybe he picks up new coping skills. There's nothing to lose by trying and a lot to potentially gain.
Perhaps most importantly, you need to find peace with your own approach. At the end of the day, you have a limited ability to favorably affect change. You can create a supportive environment. You can care for yourself in order to both a) create a positive example for your husband and children and b) ensure that you're in the best place possible for yourself. No one benefits if you follow him down his rabbit hole. There is a reason that the safety message for every commercial flight includes "put on your own oxygen mask first". We don't do that because of selfishness; we do it because it is the essential step in being available to help others.
Finally, if you can, define success by what you can do. You can find a counselor. You can be healthy. You can bring good food into your home (and you can teach your kids good habits). If, in this environment of love and support (professional and social), your husband cannot succeed (with or without an inciting event such as a heart attack), you'll have to make a choice: Accept who he is, as he is
Reject who he is, as he is
Or be constantly frustrated by a reality you can't change.
I sincerely wish you all the best of luck and I hope everything works out.0 -
Thanks everyone!
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connieruehmer wrote: »I want to motivate my spouse but I feel like my efforts are worthless, or when he finally does get going on something, that he will get pushed back down again by something else.
He is 32 years old. 6'3" and with recent weight gain after surgery is now pushing 300 lbs. In 2015 we filled 94 different prescriptions for him. He currently does not workout and does not eat reasonably.
He is under the care of many different doctors:
Neurologist - Chronic Migraines
Orthopedic - Recent rotator cuff surgery
Sleep Dr. - Apnea
ENT - Complaints of recent sinus issues. They are ordering a CT scan.
Gastro-Intestional - Problems with excessive bowel movements (6+/day, all loose)
Family Dr. - Discussions about high cholesterol/BP. He was told he has a 50% chance of heart attack.
I just want him to be healthy! Not just because selfishly I'd like a new couch instead of paying medical bills constantly (which would be nice!) but because I want him to be here! He is too young for all of this *kitten*! We have a new baby on the way. I broke down crying one night telling him that I was afraid he'd never meet our baby. How can someone be so unlucky? I have terrible thoughts sometimes that he is making things up. I don't think that is true, but the thought runs through my head. Yesterday, he FINALLY did some time on the workout bike without me asking him to. But then at night, there was an emergency for one of our children, and when he ran out of bed he fell and hurt his left ankle. I can guarantee that this will prevent him from using the bike for another month.
I very firmly believe that if he started eating better and working out that many of these problems would resolve themselves. But these doctors are so corrupt that they don't ASK about your diet, or sleep, or exercise, or stress. They are so quick to write out these damn prescriptions. Thus, adding up to a whopping 94 per year for a friggen 32 year old.
Where would you START? He knows already how I feel. I've volunteered to do whatever he does (for example give up soda). I'm lost.
Is this new for him? I understand you have older children, not just the new pregnancy. Are these problems new, happenign the last months? Is the weight gain recent?
If yes, then maybe counselling would be a good idea. Maybe he is scared? Stressed?
If this is how he was the last several years, honestly, why would he change now? I am guessing he knows how you feel, he loves all of you and still this is not motivation enough so far, so what would talking more about it do? Maybe marriage counselling, so he can understand your worries? Or you discussing your concerns with the family dr, and asking him/her to talk to him? Involving other relatives (his parents or siblings) or his friends?0 -
I know that its hard to see him struggle and pretty much let himself go, but you can't motivate him. You can only do whats best for you, and hope that he eventually follows. Maybe he will kick his own butt in gear, maybe he won't. The best thing you can do is be supportive when he decides to take some of his health into his own hands...
If it were my husband, I would probably be really frustrated that he wasn't taking care of himself especially with all of the medical visits and prescriptions costing us money. But I know nagging him wouldn't help, even if I really really couldn't resist nagging, lol.0 -
First off, I'd like to say I'm truly sorry for the situation you guys are in. The stress for you must https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/crucial-conversations/201502/how-change-people-who-dont-want-change
This! This article about motivational interviewing!
I take care of an adult son with serious mental illness and it has been a Years-long struggle to try to influence him to take positive steps toward getting better. I read the book and practice this technique with him.
Alternatively/additionally as someone suggested you can go to marriage counseling (with or without him).
I went to family therapy by myself for years (I KNOW, WEIRD) but it helped me know how to talked to my son and where to establish boundaries etc.
In the end you do have to accept you may NOT be able to help/fix another person. But to me that doesn't mean I give up, I just accept it for my own peace of mind and continue giving it my best shot.
Best to you,
Mari
P.S. nagging NEVER works.0 -
Bless your heart for posting. If possible, get him to read the success stories. Many of them are people who sound just like him. He needs to get himself motivated, but maybe reading some of those will show him that it isn't hopeless. Or read one aloud to him
. Take care of yourself and stay healthy for your kids. Great advice above, that I won't/can't add to. 0
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