Relationship Advice?

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motivatekait
motivatekait Posts: 90 Member
in Chit-Chat
I don't really have anyone to talk to about my issues currently so I just wanted to vent here and see if unbiased people could offer me any advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months. I love him dearly and I really pictured spending my life with him, but as time passes I'm becoming more concerned that maybe we aren't the right fit.

I'm a very motivated, driven and ambitious person with big goals that I work towards every single day. He's been working the same job at Walmart for almost 3 years and he hasn't really made any effort to find anything else. He says he dislikes his job and he wants to make a difference in the world, and he'll get this burst of motivation to do something, but then he just lets it fade despite my attempts to support him. I honestly don't care what he does, I don't need him to become rich, I just want him to pursue something. He's smart and I know he could do whatever he wants, but he just isn't really passionate or driven about anything. I feel like when I try to discuss goals and my passions (art and fitness), he just zones out and we never really have a conversation about it, like he doesn't take me seriously or he just can't relate or something. I've tried to talk to him about goal setting and reaching his full potential but he just got kind of offended. I'm just a freelance artist so I don't have a lot of income, and I think he doesn't take me seriously or realize how serious I am about becoming better in every aspect of my life. It's very discouraging when I get excited about something and I'm met with a total lack of enthusiasm all the time.

We get along great otherwise. He's very mature and intelligent and we have the same sense of humor, we can have great conversations about philosophy, etc. He really is a great guy who would do anything for me and he treats me great. I know no relationship is perfect and everyone has their flaws, so I don't know whether I'm being a bit ridiculous or not.

I'd love to hear what you guys think.
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Replies

  • JeffreyMGiron
    JeffreyMGiron Posts: 3,582 Member
    edited January 2016
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    @AskTracyAnnK28 we need your assistance


    what i can say is that if you're both 22, he still has time...its never to late to find something to do. I went straight to school after high school did two years of civil engineering and decided to quit. I started working at the bank climbed positions and found my self thinking i can make a career. I quit the job at this point i was 24 and went back to school part time for a year...i had money saved so i didnt work much. I realized i wanted to finish civil engineering and thats where im at now. i was lucky enough to make connections and have an ideal job as a Field Engineer which is a great experience for me. Im now 26, just going back to school to finish pursing my career...somethings just take time and support. I had non, until recently, your boyfriend has your support thats all you can continue doing. If thats all that bothering you you will be fine as long as you support him...but realize the difference between monetary support and mental, motivational support.
  • gcibsthom
    gcibsthom Posts: 30,138 Member
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    It takes years and years of struggling and working and loving together just to get to know each other deeper than just the surface level.. It sounds like you are really getting to know him (and hopefully he is really getting to know you) at that deeper level. At some point you (both) will need to decide if that deeper level person is someone you can love the rest of your lives. It ain't easy, which is why many couples break up after a few years. They got married before getting to know each other at that deeper level. The key though is communication, communication, and more communication. Keep working on it. Maybe he just has not yet found that "career" that makes him passionate. Take the time, though, because it sounds like you guys have some real potential. Good luck.
  • motivatekait
    motivatekait Posts: 90 Member
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    I appreciate the advice, guys. We are both 22. You're probably right, he's still young and I know how it feels to lack a sense of purpose which I really think he struggles with. He's great with music, he likes to write and I know for a fact he would be fantastic manager material. I'm sure he'll find his footing eventually.
  • JFinn26
    JFinn26 Posts: 708 Member
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    Just to put things in perspective...when I was 22, I was finishing college, working at Subway. I thought I found my calling in the field of landscaping that following summer.
    I think for him, instead of talking about you, and your passions to try to inspire him, pick his brain a little and if you know what he likes, point him in that direction...otherwise, and sorry if I offend, but I had a gf that did that, and it bored the hell out of me. I get you are trying to help, but maybe he doesn't want to hear about what your passions and interests are as he's heard that maybe more than once. And don't pressure him too much. Eventually he'll find something he loves to do or is really passionate about and it will be like a lightbulb suddenly went off in his head....
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
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    jamespfinnen wrote: »
    Just to put things in perspective...when I was 22, I was finishing college, working at Subway. I thought I found my calling in the field of landscaping that following summer.
    I think for him, instead of talking about you, and your passions to try to inspire him, pick his brain a little and if you know what he likes, point him in that direction...otherwise, and sorry if I offend, but I had a gf that did that, and it bored the hell out of me. I get you are trying to help, but maybe he doesn't want to hear about what your passions and interests are as he's heard that maybe more than once. And don't pressure him too much. Eventually he'll find something he loves to do or is really passionate about and it will be like a lightbulb suddenly went off in his head....

    Or not.

    When I was 22 I was engaged to a guy who was the same way.
    We ended up parting ways for other reasons. More than a few years later (10+) he is the exact same guy. There is nothing wrong with that but the idea that thing *will* change is not a guarantee. She needs to decide if she is ok with the status quo or not.
    In the end, I'm glad we ended up moving on. It was hard to see then but I would not be happy now with life as it was then.
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
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    To add, you cannot change someone. You cannot hope they will change. Yes, they may change but banking your future on them changing is foolish.
    Decide whether the person you have now is what you want or not and go from there. Like you said everyone has their flaws. It's up to you to decide what the deal breakers are.
  • motivatekait
    motivatekait Posts: 90 Member
    edited January 2016
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    jamespfinnen wrote: »
    Just to put things in perspective...when I was 22, I was finishing college, working at Subway. I thought I found my calling in the field of landscaping that following summer.
    I think for him, instead of talking about you, and your passions to try to inspire him, pick his brain a little and if you know what he likes, point him in that direction...otherwise, and sorry if I offend, but I had a gf that did that, and it bored the hell out of me. I get you are trying to help, but maybe he doesn't want to hear about what your passions and interests are as he's heard that maybe more than once. And don't pressure him too much. Eventually he'll find something he loves to do or is really passionate about and it will be like a lightbulb suddenly went off in his head....
    I talk about my passions very little to him now because I don't get any feedback. I've tried everything to help him, like I asked him a bunch of questions and I made a ton of suggestions based on the things he likes and I put in more effort into trying to figure it out than he ever has, I think. I know I can only do so much, as it's his life and his responsibility. Can't make the horse drink, so they say. He tells me to be patient with him, he'll find his thing eventually, but I am absolutely terrified that when I'm too busy being patient, 10 years will fly by without improvement.

    3dogsrunning wrote: »
    jamespfinnen wrote: »
    Just to put things in perspective...when I was 22, I was finishing college, working at Subway. I thought I found my calling in the field of landscaping that following summer.
    I think for him, instead of talking about you, and your passions to try to inspire him, pick his brain a little and if you know what he likes, point him in that direction...otherwise, and sorry if I offend, but I had a gf that did that, and it bored the hell out of me. I get you are trying to help, but maybe he doesn't want to hear about what your passions and interests are as he's heard that maybe more than once. And don't pressure him too much. Eventually he'll find something he loves to do or is really passionate about and it will be like a lightbulb suddenly went off in his head....

    Or not.

    When I was 22 I was engaged to a guy who was the same way.
    We ended up parting ways for other reasons. More than a few years later (10+) he is the exact same guy. There is nothing wrong with that but the idea that thing *will* change is not a guarantee. She needs to decide if she is ok with the status quo or not.
    In the end, I'm glad we ended up moving on. It was hard to see then but I would not be happy now with life as it was then.

    This is exactly what I'm afraid of. I love him how he is and I hate feeling like I wish he would change and get some fire under his butt... but his lack of motivation is really discouraging to me and I feel like it's holding me back from really accomplishing all that I can. I want more than anything a partner who is motivated and driven and we support one another. But I'm having a hard time deciding if that is more important than all of his other great qualities.
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
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    It's pretty much a matter of whether you think you can deal with that for the rest of your life or not. It's great that you're so energetic and motivated and ambitious, but you need to realize that not everyone is, and that's completely ok, too.
    Think about it this way, if your BF were trying to change some kind of fundamental character characteristic that you possess, how would you feel? Wouldn't you expect him to love you the way you are, or leave you alone?
  • seximami79
    seximami79 Posts: 156 Member
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    Does he smoke pot? Sometimes that also affects motivation...I know a lot of people I dated at that age did...

    make a list of everything that you like about the relationship and everything that is more of a challenge. Look at the list and think about how important each item is to you in your life and values (it isn't always about which list is longer necessarily ). Think about how you would feel in 10 years if things were the same and if that would be good enough for you. Relationships are about compromise, and no one person is going to be perfect. Which characteristics are non-negotiable for you? I dated several different people before I figured it out, and you have some time. The most important thing is to to work on your goals and not let what someone else is doing make you change who you are too much if it isn't for the better.

    Good luck!
  • Kvm11628
    Kvm11628 Posts: 7,386 Member
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    You can't change him. If the lack of motivation is a consistent issue, it is not going to change unless he really wants it to change. If it is just ingrained, that's who he is. So, you have to be the one to change. You either change your perceptions about it or you change by ending the relationship.

    If it is bothering you now, after 5, 10, 15+ years it will only get worse.

    Bottom line? You don't change people. You only have the ability to change your perceptions, actions, or feelings about them.
  • JFinn26
    JFinn26 Posts: 708 Member
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    Yeah...I'm afraid at this stage of the game, if he's not changing now, and it sounds like you've done more than your fair share to find some kind of fire inside of him, then at some point, sooner rather than later, I'd hate to say it, but cut your losses. It's a difficult decision, but it would be unfair to you to almost be held back of your own personal growth just because someone you're with lacks passion in a career choice.
  • scottish_laura_13
    scottish_laura_13 Posts: 69 Member
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    I think you should set a time frame, come up with some ideas to motivate etc and if nothing has changed and no interest has been grabbed by him then maybe you should have a chat with him about how you are feeling, so maybe give another month or two?
    ask him a few questions like if you won the lottery or what would your dream job be etc and gauge where he thinks he is in life and where he thinks his life is going
    however I will say there are many people mostly men who are just like this, so its whether you want to live with that
  • AskTracyAnnK28
    AskTracyAnnK28 Posts: 2,818 Member
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    It sounds like you two are at different places in life. At this point, he should want to do more than work at Walmart. It's been my experience that if you stay with someone like that he will only try to bring you down.

    "I feel like it's holding me back from really accomplishing all that I can."


    I think you should be with someone who's just as motivated as you are.
  • elaineamj
    elaineamj Posts: 347 Member
    edited January 2016
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    I wouldn't altogether stress about the working at Walmart thing. Not everyone gets passionate about careers. Maybe he would be the most amazing house-husband? The bigger worry I see is that you both seem to have different end goals in life. Also, the fact that he isn't cheering you on and getting excited for you is worrying. He may not have the same passions you have or even the same passion towards work - but he should be your best cheerleader.

    Back in the day, my husband and I set up an organization together to help connect parents in our community. While I was the "face" and to most other people, the main person in charge, I knew that I would have not been able to accomplish even half of what I did without him constantly fanning the flames behind me and pushing me onwards. This was really the hardest part of what we did. I am a better me with him at my back.

    When I married my husband, the complete end goal wasn't always very clear, but at the core, we had similar values and attitudes towards life and how to approach it - and that has really helped in the harmony department - and working together as a team. We recently met up again with a close friend from when we were dating (after not seeing each other for nearly 10 years) and she said something that I will treasure forever. We camped together for a weekend and we were just doing our usual routines. She said, "you guys work so seamlessly together as a team - just like you did way back when". (I know we work incredibly well together now, but I didn't know we displayed those traits back in our university days)
  • motterotter
    motterotter Posts: 701 Member
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    So you two get along well but he is not right for you because he is a slacker and you are an artiste who demands to be taken seriously?
    Are you his manic pixie dream girl who will magically change his perspective on life
    I doubt it
    maybe you are the teensiest weensiest bit overbearing nagging
    ask yourself why it bothers you so much if you feel you deserve better than some guy stuck at a low level job in walmart then leave him and latch on to someone with higher aspirations
    Don't waste your life and his being a bore to him and feeling you are dating beneath you
    Neither of you deserves that least of all him

  • hamptontom
    hamptontom Posts: 536 Member
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    as a couple of other folks have pointed out, it really comes down to asking yourself a couple of questions that don't have immediate, easy answers:

    1. are you willing to give up the emotional connection you have with him because he isn't placing a satisfactory amount of emphasis on these ambition issues?
    2. are you willing to accept his prioritization of ambition-motivation-etc. and make peace with it if that's just who he is?

    i will tell you this - as a 22 year old female, you're incredibly lucky to have found another guy YOUR AGE who isn't just looking for a convenient lay. if you have an emotional thread that satisfies you on some level, you may want to let that ride and see where it takes you.

    i'm not gonna go all Old Fart on you and tell you that you're too young to be worryin' about the rest of your life at 22, but...well, maybe I am. but I'm doin' it with a smile on my face. :)

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