help! I acted like a shallow jerk about my bf's weight gain and don't know how to fix it.
sammyantics
Posts: 191 Member
so, my bf has gained a little bit of weight since we've gotten together. mind you it's probably only 10 lbs. i, on the other hand, have been losing weight, largely due to his continued, consistent support and encouragement.
he stopped running, started eating more. whatever, nbd. he's happy. he was mega skinny when we started dating and now he has a little belly. again, not a huge difference. we have always teased each other about our weight, always in a 'i'm kidding because i love you how you are' way, but last night he asked me if it bothered me that he had a belly and i don't want to lie and say i don't notice it or anything, so i said it didnt bother me, but that i wouldn't mind if he lost weight. and i felt so shallow and hurtful because the words just did not come out right. i just want him to feel good and be healthy, and i came across like a shallow, superficial jerk.
i've since apologized, and he said it was ok (so I know it is). But i still feel simply wretched, and i want to do more to show him how much i love him and how attractive i find him no matter how much he weighs.
any advice?
TL;DR bf has gained weight and my attempts to push him to do something about it came out shallow and mean and now i don't know how to fix it.
he stopped running, started eating more. whatever, nbd. he's happy. he was mega skinny when we started dating and now he has a little belly. again, not a huge difference. we have always teased each other about our weight, always in a 'i'm kidding because i love you how you are' way, but last night he asked me if it bothered me that he had a belly and i don't want to lie and say i don't notice it or anything, so i said it didnt bother me, but that i wouldn't mind if he lost weight. and i felt so shallow and hurtful because the words just did not come out right. i just want him to feel good and be healthy, and i came across like a shallow, superficial jerk.
i've since apologized, and he said it was ok (so I know it is). But i still feel simply wretched, and i want to do more to show him how much i love him and how attractive i find him no matter how much he weighs.
any advice?
TL;DR bf has gained weight and my attempts to push him to do something about it came out shallow and mean and now i don't know how to fix it.
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Replies
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Just do what you're doing...he knows you, and probably knows you didn't mean to hurt him intentionally...love, kind words, and support are all he really needs....And all of us are jerks sometimes, don't beat yourself up too much xo0
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thank you. that makes me feel so much better0
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You apologized and he accepted your apology. That's really all you can do about that conversation, it's in the past. What you can do for the future is not bring it up unless he does. Ask if he wants to for a walk from time to time (not all the time, you don't want to be a nag!). A slow walk isn't a huge amount of exercise, but it is a good excuse to spend some simple time together. Find new recipes you want to try and cook some for him. Doesn't have to be super healthy recipes either. Eating home-cooked meals will usually be less calories than eating out, and it's another way to spend simple time. Let him know that you love him as he is. Continue your routine, but keep the lines of communication open. Do your thing, ask when you need some help, and let him do his thing.
If he does bring up the fact that he's gained a little and wants to lose it, be supportive and instead of giving him advice, ask what he needs you to do. It tends to be a first impulse reaction to offer advice when someone says they want to change something, but if they don't need advice, it comes off as overbearing. Asking what he needs you to do lets him know you want to help and support him, but lets him define how.0 -
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sammyantics wrote: »he asked me if it bothered me that he had a belly and i don't want to lie and say i don't notice it or anything, so i said it didnt bother me, but that i wouldn't mind if he lost weight.
Ugh, he shouldn't be asking dumb questions like that. I can't imagine what his point is, other than ego-reinforcement. You shouldn't feel bad for being honest, but a better response is a huge eye roll.
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lol. i'm so going to do that.feisty_bucket wrote: »sammyantics wrote: »a better response is a huge eye roll.
lol. i am so going to do it. thanks for the perspective, that's a really good point0 -
I wouldn't worry about it too much. Most guys I know don't get as hurt by comments like that. When I got overweight, I had several people tell me I gained weight. It didn't hurt my feelings because it was the TRUTH! Why would that bother me, unless I was in some stupid state of denial. I wish my wife had been hard on me about gaining, because then maybe I would have done something about it sooner. My main reason for wanting to lose initially is so that she still found me attractive. So you probably did him a favor in letting him know what you found attractive. Sounds like all he would need is a little work to get back in shape and you'd be right there to help him.0
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