Ladies, am I being selfish for making my Girlfriend lose weight?

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hdy9270
hdy9270 Posts: 2 Member
in Motivation and Support
I am in a relationship with this lovely girl and I love her a lot. I will obviously love her for whatever she is but something worries me sometimes which is her health

Right now she weighs, 185 pounds and 160 cm or 5.2

She doesnt look fat but chubby. I wonder what will happen to her when she ages a bit more as we both are 24 right now. I dont want her to get those health problems later on.

I spoke to her about it and she seems totally ok with it and has started dieting and losing weight just for me. Its amazing to see that but deep down I feel that am I being good to her as I am trying to change her as some people say to me you shouldnt change her as if you really love her you will love her for what she is

Any thoughts?
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Replies

  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 17,959 Member
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    I think you sound like a controlling jerk. You sound really entitled. What else are you going to start telling her to change to suit your idea of what she should be?
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    So what happens if she doesn't lose weight, or puts it back on in a few months? Are you going to dump her?
  • samgamgee
    samgamgee Posts: 398 Member
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    I understand worrying about a partner's health - before my other half started losing weight I was getting worried about the health problems I know come with carrying lots of fat around your waist - but it has to be their own decision or they could start to resent you and feel that you don't love them how they are. I think it also depends how long you've been together - I feel like someone in a ten year relationship could gently bring up health issues and have their intention understood, but if you've been together for like, six months you'd sound like a d*ck.
  • hdy9270
    hdy9270 Posts: 2 Member
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    Alatariel75 wrote: »
    I think you sound like a controlling jerk. You sound really entitled. What else are you going to start telling her to change to suit your idea of what she should be?

    Woah you seem to judge a lot eh? Mind elaborating a bit more why you think like that? I don't control her and i dont keep on bugging her. Her BMI is 33.3. What to do think about that?

    @Tavistocktoad - Ofcourse not, why would i dump on such petty reason. Do you mean I should just let her go and cross 200 lbs?
  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
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    hdy9270 wrote: »
    Alatariel75 wrote: »
    I think you sound like a controlling jerk. You sound really entitled. What else are you going to start telling her to change to suit your idea of what she should be?

    Woah you seem to judge a lot eh? Mind elaborating a bit more why you think like that? I don't control her and i dont keep on bugging her. Her BMI is 33.3. What to do think about that?

    @Tavistocktoad - Ofcourse not, why would i dump on such petty reason. Do you mean I should just let her go and cross 200 lbs?

    It's not such a petty reason to you though is it? Or you wouldn't be 'making' her lose weight...?
  • Alatariel75
    Alatariel75 Posts: 17,959 Member
    edited February 2016
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    "I feel like I am being good to her as I am trying to change her" - you just sound like you're patting yourself on the back for being such a swell guy by telling her she needs to lose weight and asking her to lose weight "just for you".
    Do you mean I should just let her go and cross 200 lbs?

    Yeah, Joss forbid you let an adult woman make her own decisions. That wouldn't do at all.
  • oh_happy_day
    oh_happy_day Posts: 1,137 Member
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    My thoughts.... You are not in charge of her body or her health. Even if she actually had weight-related health issues that is between her and her health professionals. Frankly you sound kind of entitled and hiding beyond concerns about 'her health in the future'. She's aware of what she weighs and how she looks. You have not provided her with earth-shattering news. She hadn't done anything about it until you asked her to lose weight for you.

    Regardless of your intentions, I think you should really consider how your words made your girlfriend feel. Like, really think about it. Do you think this will be positive for your relationship? Ultimately she is responsible for her own choices and there is nothing you can do to change that. You can model healthy behaviours around food and exercise, but beyond that what's your plan? Just continually reminding her that she's looking chubby?

  • MelodyandBarbells
    MelodyandBarbells Posts: 7,725 Member
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    Was she fat when you met her? If so, why the change of heart?
  • kimberlytatgenhorst
    kimberlytatgenhorst Posts: 8 Member
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    No matter what your reasons you think may or may not happen what you did was let her know you werent happy with how she looked. Masking it with "health concerns" to justify your actions. Youve made her judge herself, her self worth and your relationship. Youve made her question what will happen if she doesnt get thin ...will he leave me? What else does not like about me? Your actions have long term mental and emotional consequences.... and honestly the way you phrase everything just makes it sound exactly like you were only thinking about yourself and not her...Take it from people who have been there.
  • kommodevaran
    kommodevaran Posts: 17,890 Member
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    I can't really contribute with anything, the way you write just makes you just sound so creepy.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
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    I understand you think you are being helpful. I don't think your post mentioned your age, but I'm going to guess you're young. Whether or not you intended it, I can guarantee you, you've ruined this relationship and and the physical aspects that go along with it. I once had a boyfriend who said this to me, and even after I lost 20 pounds, I was so self-conscious about my body that I never wanted to sleep with him. The only thing that ever went through my mind was that he was judging my body. I don't really have any advice for you, other than to not ever say something like this to a woman again.
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
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    I wonder what will happen with this thread.
  • SisterSueGetsFit
    SisterSueGetsFit Posts: 1,211 Member
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    EvgeniZyntx wrote: »
    I wonder what will happen with this thread.

    Nothing good for OP.

  • TechOutside
    TechOutside Posts: 101 Member
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    Well, I'm not a lady, but I will tell you my experience. I was in the same situation at your age. I was into biking, running, outdoor stuff, trying to stay healthy. She wasn't into what I was, and frankly opposites attract. I loved her and just as she did, we both overlooked the negatives as the positives were overwhelming.

    Year after year, I would ask her to come with me to the gym, go on a bike ride, walk around the block and there was always something more important to do. The kids, the house, the job. I would take on more responsibilities to free her to be able to do more to help her lead a healthier lifestyle. I would cook, clean, take the kids more, well over the 50/50 that a successful marriage requires. I had a career job and she worked to stay out of the house, to pay for daycare, and help with bills. I just needed to do more, be even more supportive, take on even more responsibility.

    I never complained and I always praised her, trying to be supportive, never once bringing up her weight, ever. Trying to subtly change the dinners to more healthy meals. Parking the car further so we could walk a little farther. Things like that. Nothing worked, she just had her reasons for not leading a healthy lifestyle, and I followed the advice of all the professionals, I read all the books to try to understand, I tried every possible way to help her without ever saying that I was trying to help her. I just sat back and lived the life that I needed to and allowed her to live hers as all the people told me to do.

    I chose to stay with her, I chose to remain silent and allow her to be her. That was my choice and I own it.

    Here we are at 50, after 32 years, the kids are grown, the peak of our lives and we are unable to do the things we always wanted to do, or what we said we wanted to do. I lift weights, I run, I am active and she is not. She has health problems that come with being overweight, I do not, not yet anyway...

    Don't get me wrong, I am no Adonis. I know what I am, and I know that I still love her, but I also know that everyone here is giving or going to give you the same advice that I have heard for 32 years. Be supportive, it's not your job in changing her. It's her life.. etc. Enabling her to continue her chosen lifestyle. Fine, good, then you will have to consider the position you will be in later in life.

    You have to consider that this is YOUR life too, (You know, the other HALF of the combined life together) after 32 years with maybe 20 left to go of a potential active lifestyle, I have to make a choice for ME, someone has to be supportive of ME, and I am the only one who will do that.

    Will I choose to remain silent, will I choose to walk away, will I choose to take a stand and force the issue to an eruptive state? I can't say at this moment, but walking away is a consideration. Is it worth the effort and the fight? Who knows, I will make the call for me.

    I will no longer listen to those who claim to know, because every person and every situation is different. I am mad, I am frustrated, and I am feeling like my needs were never part of the equation, but they are every bit as important as your partners. Don't think you are being selfish for thinking this way, it's the right way to think in my opinion.

    If I were to have the chance to do it over, I would have fought, and fought hard to keep her healthy. I wouldn't let anyone tell me how much of a selfish jerk I was. I would fight like it was for my life, because it frankly is.

    So just be prepared to see what you may sacrifice for being supportive, enabling, and such. Go ahead people, attack away, I don't care, I have played that game internally for a very long time, and frankly I'm done listening to those who haven't played the game.

    Good luck.
  • DavPul
    DavPul Posts: 61,406 Member
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    Obvious troll thread is obvious
  • EvgeniZyntx
    EvgeniZyntx Posts: 24,208 Member
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    rchlthompson wrote: »
    I understand you think you are being helpful. I don't think your post mentioned your age, but I'm going to guess you're young. Whether or not you intended it, I can guarantee you, you've ruined this relationship and and the physical aspects that go along with it. I once had a boyfriend who said this to me, and even after I lost 20 pounds, I was so self-conscious about my body that I never wanted to sleep with him. The only thing that ever went through my mind was that he was judging my body. I don't really have any advice for you, other than to not ever say something like this to a woman again.

    That's a pretty harsh condemnation of a post you didn't even read carefully. (He mentions his age. Right there, smack in the middle.)
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
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    I will say that first you need to be honest with yourself. If you do not like her weight, it is ok. But you need to accept this and decide if it is important or not. Do not think "I cannot possibly admit this, she is so nice, fun, has a pretty face, loves me, it is such a shallow thing to say". Be honest (to yourself, not hurtful to her).

    If she does not want to lose weight for herself, regardless if it is for appearance or health reasons, chances are, she will either not lose much, or gain it back. Ask yourself if you are ok with this or not. Do not pretend you are ok if you are not. Even if it is "only" for sexual attraction reasons, or because her weight does not let her participate in whatever activity you like etc. Since you are both very young, it is IMHO doing a disservice to both you and her to be in a relationship where you hope the other person will change. It is not the same as someone changing over the course of a relationship and you accepting it because you have already a deep bond with this partner. We all choose partners based on several reasons, appearance and lifestyle being among the most important. It is ok, and it is hypocritical to pretend these things are not important. Her changing after 10 years of marriage and you adapting is one thing. Her not being as you want her to be from the start, it is a different story.

    So, ask yourself: If she stays as she is, or even gains more, are you ok with it? Will you feel happy with her? Unconditionally? Or will it always be on the back of your mind, how it would help if she lost weight and what a shame she is chubby?

    Do not expect her to change, most of us have made at some point such assumptions about a partner, and this never works. A relationship starting on the assumption that the other person will change, it is a relationship that will either end badly or become miserable.

    She is who she is. Are you 100% ok with this? If yes, accept her as she is, including the health risks. True, she might get all sorts of problems later on, but if she does not care about it, you cannot help it. If you expect her to change for this to work, do both of you a favour and move on.
  • oh_happy_day
    oh_happy_day Posts: 1,137 Member
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    TechOutside wrote: »
    Well, I'm not a lady, but I will tell you my experience. I was in the same situation at your age. I was into biking, running, outdoor stuff, trying to stay healthy. She wasn't into what I was, and frankly opposites attract. I loved her and just as she did, we both overlooked the negatives as the positives were overwhelming.

    Year after year, I would ask her to come with me to the gym, go on a bike ride, walk around the block and there was always something more important to do. The kids, the house, the job. I would take on more responsibilities to free her to be able to do more to help her lead a healthier lifestyle. I would cook, clean, take the kids more, well over the 50/50 that a successful marriage requires. I had a career job and she worked to stay out of the house, to pay for daycare, and help with bills. I just needed to do more, be even more supportive, take on even more responsibility.

    I never complained and I always praised her, trying to be supportive, never once bringing up her weight, ever. Trying to subtly change the dinners to more healthy meals. Parking the car further so we could walk a little farther. Things like that. Nothing worked, she just had her reasons for not leading a healthy lifestyle, and I followed the advice of all the professionals, I read all the books to try to understand, I tried every possible way to help her without ever saying that I was trying to help her. I just sat back and lived the life that I needed to and allowed her to live hers as all the people told me to do.

    I chose to stay with her, I chose to remain silent and allow her to be her. That was my choice and I own it.

    Here we are at 50, after 32 years, the kids are grown, the peak of our lives and we are unable to do the things we always wanted to do, or what we said we wanted to do. I lift weights, I run, I am active and she is not. She has health problems that come with being overweight, I do not, not yet anyway...

    Don't get me wrong, I am no Adonis. I know what I am, and I know that I still love her, but I also know that everyone here is giving or going to give you the same advice that I have heard for 32 years. Be supportive, it's not your job in changing her. It's her life.. etc. Enabling her to continue her chosen lifestyle. Fine, good, then you will have to consider the position you will be in later in life.

    You have to consider that this is YOUR life too, (You know, the other HALF of the combined life together) after 32 years with maybe 20 left to go of a potential active lifestyle, I have to make a choice for ME, someone has to be supportive of ME, and I am the only one who will do that.

    Will I choose to remain silent, will I choose to walk away, will I choose to take a stand and force the issue to an eruptive state? I can't say at this moment, but walking away is a consideration. Is it worth the effort and the fight? Who knows, I will make the call for me.

    I will no longer listen to those who claim to know, because every person and every situation is different. I am mad, I am frustrated, and I am feeling like my needs were never part of the equation, but they are every bit as important as your partners. Don't think you are being selfish for thinking this way, it's the right way to think in my opinion.

    If I were to have the chance to do it over, I would have fought, and fought hard to keep her healthy. I wouldn't let anyone tell me how much of a selfish jerk I was. I would fight like it was for my life, because it frankly is.

    So just be prepared to see what you may sacrifice for being supportive, enabling, and such. Go ahead people, attack away, I don't care, I have played that game internally for a very long time, and frankly I'm done listening to those who haven't played the game.

    Good luck.

    I'm genuinely curious, what do you think you could have done in the past that would have altered this? What do you think you could have done that could have changed the behaviours that lead to her being overweight? Because it sounds like you think it's something you could have controlled or influenced. (I'm not judging, just curious.)
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,179 Member
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    oh_happy_day wrote: »
    TechOutside wrote: »
    Well, I'm not a lady, but I will tell you my experience. I was in the same situation at your age. I was into biking, running, outdoor stuff, trying to stay healthy. She wasn't into what I was, and frankly opposites attract. I loved her and just as she did, we both overlooked the negatives as the positives were overwhelming.

    Year after year, I would ask her to come with me to the gym, go on a bike ride, walk around the block and there was always something more important to do. The kids, the house, the job. I would take on more responsibilities to free her to be able to do more to help her lead a healthier lifestyle. I would cook, clean, take the kids more, well over the 50/50 that a successful marriage requires. I had a career job and she worked to stay out of the house, to pay for daycare, and help with bills. I just needed to do more, be even more supportive, take on even more responsibility.

    I never complained and I always praised her, trying to be supportive, never once bringing up her weight, ever. Trying to subtly change the dinners to more healthy meals. Parking the car further so we could walk a little farther. Things like that. Nothing worked, she just had her reasons for not leading a healthy lifestyle, and I followed the advice of all the professionals, I read all the books to try to understand, I tried every possible way to help her without ever saying that I was trying to help her. I just sat back and lived the life that I needed to and allowed her to live hers as all the people told me to do.

    I chose to stay with her, I chose to remain silent and allow her to be her. That was my choice and I own it.

    Here we are at 50, after 32 years, the kids are grown, the peak of our lives and we are unable to do the things we always wanted to do, or what we said we wanted to do. I lift weights, I run, I am active and she is not. She has health problems that come with being overweight, I do not, not yet anyway...

    Don't get me wrong, I am no Adonis. I know what I am, and I know that I still love her, but I also know that everyone here is giving or going to give you the same advice that I have heard for 32 years. Be supportive, it's not your job in changing her. It's her life.. etc. Enabling her to continue her chosen lifestyle. Fine, good, then you will have to consider the position you will be in later in life.

    You have to consider that this is YOUR life too, (You know, the other HALF of the combined life together) after 32 years with maybe 20 left to go of a potential active lifestyle, I have to make a choice for ME, someone has to be supportive of ME, and I am the only one who will do that.

    Will I choose to remain silent, will I choose to walk away, will I choose to take a stand and force the issue to an eruptive state? I can't say at this moment, but walking away is a consideration. Is it worth the effort and the fight? Who knows, I will make the call for me.

    I will no longer listen to those who claim to know, because every person and every situation is different. I am mad, I am frustrated, and I am feeling like my needs were never part of the equation, but they are every bit as important as your partners. Don't think you are being selfish for thinking this way, it's the right way to think in my opinion.

    If I were to have the chance to do it over, I would have fought, and fought hard to keep her healthy. I wouldn't let anyone tell me how much of a selfish jerk I was. I would fight like it was for my life, because it frankly is.

    So just be prepared to see what you may sacrifice for being supportive, enabling, and such. Go ahead people, attack away, I don't care, I have played that game internally for a very long time, and frankly I'm done listening to those who haven't played the game.

    Good luck.

    I'm genuinely curious, what do you think you could have done in the past that would have altered this? What do you think you could have done that could have changed the behaviours that lead to her being overweight? Because it sounds like you think it's something you could have controlled or influenced. (I'm not judging, just curious.)

    He could have been honest: "I like you a lot, I love being with you, but your lifestyle is a deal breaker". 9 times out of 10, it would have ended in a break up. Which again, 9 times out of 10, would have been better than struggling for decades with the idea of changing a partner, worrying and wondering if the relationship should end when the kids are old enough to not have to worry about them.
  • sheermomentum
    sheermomentum Posts: 827 Member
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    Its fine to let your partner know you are concerned about their health. Its not fine to tell a woman that you supposedly love that she's fat and needs to lose weight to keep your love. The distinction can be a fine one and only you and she know for sure where this is landing. Of course, she shouldn't be doing it "just for you," and I hope that truly she isn't only doing it for you. What would really be best of all is if you were to join her in this health-quest by suggesting some healthy, active, fun thing that you guys can do together as the months go by. Hikes, bike rides, even just walks in the park. If you are already active, then you can just invite her. Not pressure her; just invite her. If you are not active, then you can show your commitment to your mutual healthy future by getting more active. Maybe you can ask her if she wants to join a gym with you and go together to work out. You can take a healthy cooking class together and learn some new recipes, and then try them out together at home, which could help her manager her weight and maybe improve your diet as well.

    As for changing your partner, well, no, you shouldn't really try to take someone you love and turn them into someone else, but then you have to ask yourself, do you want her to really change or do you just want her to avoid the health complications that come from being overweight? You've broached a very sensitive topic. Just try to manage it with as much grace, love and honesty as you can. And if you really deep down just want her to lose weight because you think she's too fat for you, then move on because that's just not right.

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