Ladies, am I being selfish for making my Girlfriend lose weight?

"I feel like I am being good to her as I am trying to change her" - you just sound like you're patting yourself on the back for being such a swell guy by telling her she needs to lose weight and asking her to lose weight "just for you".

Do you mean I should just let her go and cross 200 lbs?

Yeah, Joss forbid you let an adult woman make her own decisions. That wouldn't do at all.

Was she fat when you met her? If so, why the change of heart?

I wonder what will happen with this thread.

Well, I'm not a lady, but I will tell you my experience. I was in the same situation at your age. I was into biking, running, outdoor stuff, trying to stay healthy. She wasn't into what I was, and frankly opposites attract. I loved her and just as she did, we both overlooked the negatives as the positives were overwhelming.

Year after year, I would ask her to come with me to the gym, go on a bike ride, walk around the block and there was always something more important to do. The kids, the house, the job. I would take on more responsibilities to free her to be able to do more to help her lead a healthier lifestyle. I would cook, clean, take the kids more, well over the 50/50 that a successful marriage requires. I had a career job and she worked to stay out of the house, to pay for daycare, and help with bills. I just needed to do more, be even more supportive, take on even more responsibility.

I never complained and I always praised her, trying to be supportive, never once bringing up her weight, ever. Trying to subtly change the dinners to more healthy meals. Parking the car further so we could walk a little farther. Things like that. Nothing worked, she just had her reasons for not leading a healthy lifestyle, and I followed the advice of all the professionals, I read all the books to try to understand, I tried every possible way to help her without ever saying that I was trying to help her. I just sat back and lived the life that I needed to and allowed her to live hers as all the people told me to do.

I chose to stay with her, I chose to remain silent and allow her to be her. That was my choice and I own it.

Here we are at 50, after 32 years, the kids are grown, the peak of our lives and we are unable to do the things we always wanted to do, or what we said we wanted to do. I lift weights, I run, I am active and she is not. She has health problems that come with being overweight, I do not, not yet anyway...

Don't get me wrong, I am no Adonis. I know what I am, and I know that I still love her, but I also know that everyone here is giving or going to give you the same advice that I have heard for 32 years. Be supportive, it's not your job in changing her. It's her life.. etc. Enabling her to continue her chosen lifestyle. Fine, good, then you will have to consider the position you will be in later in life.

You have to consider that this is YOUR life too, (You know, the other HALF of the combined life together) after 32 years with maybe 20 left to go of a potential active lifestyle, I have to make a choice for ME, someone has to be supportive of ME, and I am the only one who will do that.

Will I choose to remain silent, will I choose to walk away, will I choose to take a stand and force the issue to an eruptive state? I can't say at this moment, but walking away is a consideration. Is it worth the effort and the fight? Who knows, I will make the call for me.

I will no longer listen to those who claim to know, because every person and every situation is different. I am mad, I am frustrated, and I am feeling like my needs were never part of the equation, but they are every bit as important as your partners. Don't think you are being selfish for thinking this way, it's the right way to think in my opinion.

If I were to have the chance to do it over, I would have fought, and fought hard to keep her healthy. I wouldn't let anyone tell me how much of a selfish jerk I was. I would fight like it was for my life, because it frankly is.

So just be prepared to see what you may sacrifice for being supportive, enabling, and such. Go ahead people, attack away, I don't care, I have played that game internally for a very long time, and frankly I'm done listening to those who haven't played the game.

Good luck.

rchlthompson wrote: »

I understand you think you are being helpful. I don't think your post mentioned your age, but I'm going to guess you're young. Whether or not you intended it, I can guarantee you, you've ruined this relationship and and the physical aspects that go along with it. I once had a boyfriend who said this to me, and even after I lost 20 pounds, I was so self-conscious about my body that I never wanted to sleep with him. The only thing that ever went through my mind was that he was judging my body. I don't really have any advice for you, other than to not ever say something like this to a woman again.

That's a pretty harsh condemnation of a post you didn't even read carefully. (He mentions his age. Right there, smack in the middle.)

TechOutside wrote: »

Well, I'm not a lady, but I will tell you my experience. I was in the same situation at your age. I was into biking, running, outdoor stuff, trying to stay healthy. She wasn't into what I was, and frankly opposites attract. I loved her and just as she did, we both overlooked the negatives as the positives were overwhelming.

Year after year, I would ask her to come with me to the gym, go on a bike ride, walk around the block and there was always something more important to do. The kids, the house, the job. I would take on more responsibilities to free her to be able to do more to help her lead a healthier lifestyle. I would cook, clean, take the kids more, well over the 50/50 that a successful marriage requires. I had a career job and she worked to stay out of the house, to pay for daycare, and help with bills. I just needed to do more, be even more supportive, take on even more responsibility.

I never complained and I always praised her, trying to be supportive, never once bringing up her weight, ever. Trying to subtly change the dinners to more healthy meals. Parking the car further so we could walk a little farther. Things like that. Nothing worked, she just had her reasons for not leading a healthy lifestyle, and I followed the advice of all the professionals, I read all the books to try to understand, I tried every possible way to help her without ever saying that I was trying to help her. I just sat back and lived the life that I needed to and allowed her to live hers as all the people told me to do.

I chose to stay with her, I chose to remain silent and allow her to be her. That was my choice and I own it.

Here we are at 50, after 32 years, the kids are grown, the peak of our lives and we are unable to do the things we always wanted to do, or what we said we wanted to do. I lift weights, I run, I am active and she is not. She has health problems that come with being overweight, I do not, not yet anyway...

Don't get me wrong, I am no Adonis. I know what I am, and I know that I still love her, but I also know that everyone here is giving or going to give you the same advice that I have heard for 32 years. Be supportive, it's not your job in changing her. It's her life.. etc. Enabling her to continue her chosen lifestyle. Fine, good, then you will have to consider the position you will be in later in life.

You have to consider that this is YOUR life too, (You know, the other HALF of the combined life together) after 32 years with maybe 20 left to go of a potential active lifestyle, I have to make a choice for ME, someone has to be supportive of ME, and I am the only one who will do that.

Will I choose to remain silent, will I choose to walk away, will I choose to take a stand and force the issue to an eruptive state? I can't say at this moment, but walking away is a consideration. Is it worth the effort and the fight? Who knows, I will make the call for me.

I will no longer listen to those who claim to know, because every person and every situation is different. I am mad, I am frustrated, and I am feeling like my needs were never part of the equation, but they are every bit as important as your partners. Don't think you are being selfish for thinking this way, it's the right way to think in my opinion.

If I were to have the chance to do it over, I would have fought, and fought hard to keep her healthy. I wouldn't let anyone tell me how much of a selfish jerk I was. I would fight like it was for my life, because it frankly is.

So just be prepared to see what you may sacrifice for being supportive, enabling, and such. Go ahead people, attack away, I don't care, I have played that game internally for a very long time, and frankly I'm done listening to those who haven't played the game.

Good luck.

I'm genuinely curious, what do you think you could have done in the past that would have altered this? What do you think you could have done that could have changed the behaviours that lead to her being overweight? Because it sounds like you think it's something you could have controlled or influenced. (I'm not judging, just curious.)

Its fine to let your partner know you are concerned about their health. Its not fine to tell a woman that you supposedly love that she's fat and needs to lose weight to keep your love. The distinction can be a fine one and only you and she know for sure where this is landing. Of course, she shouldn't be doing it "just for you," and I hope that truly she isn't only doing it for you. What would really be best of all is if you were to join her in this health-quest by suggesting some healthy, active, fun thing that you guys can do together as the months go by. Hikes, bike rides, even just walks in the park. If you are already active, then you can just invite her. Not pressure her; just invite her. If you are not active, then you can show your commitment to your mutual healthy future by getting more active. Maybe you can ask her if she wants to join a gym with you and go together to work out. You can take a healthy cooking class together and learn some new recipes, and then try them out together at home, which could help her manager her weight and maybe improve your diet as well.

As for changing your partner, well, no, you shouldn't really try to take someone you love and turn them into someone else, but then you have to ask yourself, do you want her to really change or do you just want her to avoid the health complications that come from being overweight? You've broached a very sensitive topic. Just try to manage it with as much grace, love and honesty as you can. And if you really deep down just want her to lose weight because you think she's too fat for you, then move on because that's just not right.

You can change people, don't kid yourself.

My wife has changed me in ways that may seem inconsequential to some, but I did make changes for her, for my family, to make them happy. That is changing people. Be nice (ex Military) Clean more, cook more, drink less. Fold the laundry this way, turn the toilet paper over this way. Little things, little changes, but changes none the less. This is cleaning day, not that day. Not today. Not tonight!

Choices in life, made for the benefit of either yourself, or those around you. There are certainly subtle changes that she has made to make me happy too. Just not this one.

Your choices are long lasting. Maybe I am fooling myself to think that I could have done more, tried something else. I can't say, but here I am. When you are young, you don't consider long term as much as you probably should.

For me, my kids lives were more important than my own. Had we not had kids, I can't say if I would have stayed, but back then it wasn't as big of an issue as it is today.

Oh, I think you know the answer to that already.

hdy9270 wrote: »

Alatariel75 wrote: »

I think you sound like a controlling jerk. You sound really entitled. What else are you going to start telling her to change to suit your idea of what she should be?

Woah you seem to judge a lot eh? Mind elaborating a bit more why you think like that? I don't control her and i dont keep on bugging her. Her BMI is 33.3. What to do think about that?

@Tavistocktoad - Ofcourse not, why would i dump on such petty reason. Do you mean I should just let her go and cross 200 lbs?

Honestly, this response makes it seem like you're locking for someone to reinforce your choice way more than you want people's actual opinions.
Having said that, I don't necessarily think it's wrong to VERY CAREFULLY speak up on the issue, but it has to he carefully approached, and the person must be allowed to make their own decision.

If she is losing weight for you, it won't work. I mean yes, she may lose weight, but she will not maintain it. She needs to lose it because she wants to, because she is doing it for herself.

oh_happy_day wrote: »

TechOutside wrote: »

Well, I'm not a lady, but I will tell you my experience. I was in the same situation at your age. I was into biking, running, outdoor stuff, trying to stay healthy. She wasn't into what I was, and frankly opposites attract. I loved her and just as she did, we both overlooked the negatives as the positives were overwhelming.

Year after year, I would ask her to come with me to the gym, go on a bike ride, walk around the block and there was always something more important to do. The kids, the house, the job. I would take on more responsibilities to free her to be able to do more to help her lead a healthier lifestyle. I would cook, clean, take the kids more, well over the 50/50 that a successful marriage requires. I had a career job and she worked to stay out of the house, to pay for daycare, and help with bills. I just needed to do more, be even more supportive, take on even more responsibility.

I never complained and I always praised her, trying to be supportive, never once bringing up her weight, ever. Trying to subtly change the dinners to more healthy meals. Parking the car further so we could walk a little farther. Things like that. Nothing worked, she just had her reasons for not leading a healthy lifestyle, and I followed the advice of all the professionals, I read all the books to try to understand, I tried every possible way to help her without ever saying that I was trying to help her. I just sat back and lived the life that I needed to and allowed her to live hers as all the people told me to do.

I chose to stay with her, I chose to remain silent and allow her to be her. That was my choice and I own it.

Here we are at 50, after 32 years, the kids are grown, the peak of our lives and we are unable to do the things we always wanted to do, or what we said we wanted to do. I lift weights, I run, I am active and she is not. She has health problems that come with being overweight, I do not, not yet anyway...

Don't get me wrong, I am no Adonis. I know what I am, and I know that I still love her, but I also know that everyone here is giving or going to give you the same advice that I have heard for 32 years. Be supportive, it's not your job in changing her. It's her life.. etc. Enabling her to continue her chosen lifestyle. Fine, good, then you will have to consider the position you will be in later in life.

You have to consider that this is YOUR life too, (You know, the other HALF of the combined life together) after 32 years with maybe 20 left to go of a potential active lifestyle, I have to make a choice for ME, someone has to be supportive of ME, and I am the only one who will do that.

Will I choose to remain silent, will I choose to walk away, will I choose to take a stand and force the issue to an eruptive state? I can't say at this moment, but walking away is a consideration. Is it worth the effort and the fight? Who knows, I will make the call for me.

I will no longer listen to those who claim to know, because every person and every situation is different. I am mad, I am frustrated, and I am feeling like my needs were never part of the equation, but they are every bit as important as your partners. Don't think you are being selfish for thinking this way, it's the right way to think in my opinion.

If I were to have the chance to do it over, I would have fought, and fought hard to keep her healthy. I wouldn't let anyone tell me how much of a selfish jerk I was. I would fight like it was for my life, because it frankly is.

So just be prepared to see what you may sacrifice for being supportive, enabling, and such. Go ahead people, attack away, I don't care, I have played that game internally for a very long time, and frankly I'm done listening to those who haven't played the game.

Good luck.

I'm genuinely curious, what do you think you could have done in the past that would have altered this? What do you think you could have done that could have changed the behaviours that lead to her being overweight? Because it sounds like you think it's something you could have controlled or influenced. (I'm not judging, just curious.)

And regardless of the obviousness of the OP...

Because loved ones, the people closest to a person in their life, are completely incapable of any influential affect.

We aren't isolated islands. We influence and affect and are influenced and affected by the people we are with most everyday, even without our realizing it. Show me the person that claims they're never influenced by those around them and I'll show you a liar or a fool.