I Feel Like I'll Always be Gross and Disgusting

TasteofEnvy · February 2016

I started my weight loss journey in January of 2014, weighing ~180 lbs. I wanted to reach 120 lbs.
It is now February of 2016, and I weight 124.2 lbs (as of today).... I feel like a complete failure. Yes, I've lost a lot of weight.... i should be proud. and part of me IS proud. I'm proud I've lost ALL the weight I gained in college (I was 128 when i started). But it shouldn't have taken this long.... and I haven't even reached my actual goal yet. And even though i haven't reached that goal yet, I've come up with another one... I want to weigh 115 lbs. At most.

I feel so disgusting. I hear people complaining about America being full of disgusting overweight and obese people.... and I'm one of them. I struggle between 122 lbs - 128 lbs constantly... it's ridiculous how much I fluctuate. My bmi is a struggle between 23.9-24.9 .... my measurements are 42/31.5/36 (B/W/H). I... am... disgusting.

Wanting to be a healthy weight, and wanting to be beautiful is destroying me. On days I gain a pound (despite knowing that weight fluctuates like a mother f*cka), I cry and get suicidal... it ruins my day. I can hardly handle eating more than one meal a day.... eating two is like a miracle. I hardly snack. And it isn't b/c "Omg you're starving yourself"... it is literally b/c I get nauseous and sick literally after every time I eat. Yet I gain so much weight so easily. And on days where i think I look slim and pretty, feeling good, I am easily destroyed when I see someone who is either genetically skinny (I won't lie, of course I'm an envious b*tch) or those who are disgustingly obese (go ahead, call me horrible...); I'm either "not nearly as pretty as them" or worry that I'm "just like them". When people tell me I look like a "normal" weight, I have to hold back tears... b/c the "normal" American is overweight.

I will always be fat. I will always be flabby. I don't understand why these last few pounds refuse to come off. I'm generally healthy. But I want to be beautiful. I don't want to be "thick" anymore. I dont' want to be "fat" anymore. I dont' want to be on the edge of "normal" and "overweight" anymore.....

But I feel like there is no hope.

Ashtoretet · February 2016

I feel somewhat like this on my worst days, too, that I'll always be flabby and disgusting looking. You probably don't need to lose weight to look closer to your ideal and rather need to gain some muscle. I find it easiest to calm my anxiety when I focus on my plan for dealing with my current grievances.

I really think you should try to see a therapist for some of this, though, particularly the "get suicidal" part because that's beyond regular dieting/fitness concerns.

Andrewcpimpin · February 2016

I recommend a counselor. Got to find the root of your self image issues. You are very pretty and I am sure you have a great body but others can say that all day but if you don't believe them it's mute.

75in2013 · February 2016

Of course you should be proud of yourself. You set a goal for yourself and almost reached it. And obviously every step you took was in the right direction. Losing 60lbs in a year is a very healthy, steady process.

Please talk to someone ... because the combination of "I cry and get suicidal" and "I feel like there is no hope" really sets off some alarms.

There are more important things in your life than your weight. Especially since you are already in a "healthy" zone and your weight doesnt affect your health.

I would be very sad if I couldn't enjoy food anymore. I love food. I just try to eat less and stay hungry

jennifer_417 · February 2016

1. You lost the weight. Who cares how long it took?
2. Wow, are you being hard on yourself.
3. You've accomplished a lot.
4. Weight loss is seldom everything we dream it will be.
5. You need to learn how to talk to yourself nice. Start small. Like, telling yourself, "Good job!" the next time you accomplish even a minor goal.
6. Being this hard on yourself won't get you what you want, and even if you do reach your goal, if you don't change the way you're thinking, you won't get any pleasure out of it.
7. (((hugs)))
ETA: after rereading the OP, it actually sounds a bit more serious than I first perceived. All of the above may be true, but it looks to me like you might want to speak to a professional, before you go down a really dangerous path, and/or hurt yourself.

Therealobi1 · February 2016

Andrewcpimpin wrote: »

I recommend a counselor. Got to find the root of your self image issues. You are very pretty and I am sure you have a great body but others can say that all day but if you don't believe them it's mute.

I agree with this
This goes beyond your weight
You should be proud of what to you have accomplished.
Take care x

Mavrick_RN · February 2016

You are not healthy. You want someone to agree that you are fat or gross or ugly. I will not agree to that but I will say your self image could use some work. You need a professional to help you. You are saying all the right things to be diagnosed with an eating disorder. Maybe you are testing MFP to see if we will notice.

We have. Your troubles are more than can be handled by a bunch of well-meaning strangers on the internet.

Debbie_Ferr · February 2016

Curious. How tall are you ?

TasteofEnvy · February 2016

Debbie_Ferr wrote: »

Curious. How tall are you ?

5'.5" (yes that point five matters to me ha-ha)

TasteofEnvy · February 2016

Mavrick_RN wrote: »

You are not healthy. You want someone to agree that you are fat or gross or ugly. I will not agree to that but I will say your self image could use some work. You need a professional to help you. You are saying all the right things to be diagnosed with an eating disorder. Maybe you are testing MFP to see if we will notice.

We have. Your troubles are more than can be handled by a bunch of well-meaning strangers on the internet.

I'm not "testing" anyone or begging for attention. This is the motivation and support forums. I'm looking for motivation or helpful ways to stop feeling this way and maybe some advice on how to lose the last few pounds. I don't have an eating isorder.... I don't purposely starve myself, and I don't binge and purge. I will admit to having things like depression, anxiety, and low self esteem.

Debbie_Ferr · February 2016

You'll discover a one-on-one with a therapist / counselor is sooooo much better than what we can offer.

Please make an appointment today.

We all wish you well .

TavistockToad · February 2016

You need to love yourself regardless of your weight or you will never be happy.

I second seeing someone to talk about your feelings

nutellacoma · February 2016

You aren't fat! Your BMI is on the upper end of 'normal', which is the very definition of NOT being fat. It is your mental health that you need to be focusing on right now hun, not the physical, imho. If you aren't currently being treated to help manage your depression and anxiety, you need to look into it. There is no shame in seeking help, whether that is through medication, therapy or a combination of both.

However, I also think you could look into strength training to assist in making you feel better about your body. Once you see how strong and powerful the body you have is, you may just start feeling better about it. I am at the beginning of my journey and still feel a lot of the things you expressed in your OP. However, when I lift 220 pounds in a deadlift I feel like a machine and it allows me to be proud of one thing about my body - it's strength.

Please look into getting some help to work on your mental well being x

wow_geillis · February 2016

you look fine, and great and beautiful just the way you are! you have worked hard and your goals are sooo close, and no way are you obese, not even close to it. And I cant imagine, that you would look bad at all---gross and disgusting at 124 pounds? I dont think so! I think you need to talk to a conselor to help gain some more positive body images in your mind. Hun, you don't become gross and disgusting until you are in my position---highest weight was almost 500 pounds, currently down to almost 300 hundred pounds, with 130 more to go---you haven't seen gross and disgusting until you're literally wearing a skin that is 10 sizes too big and hanging in folds everywhere

but every time I look in the mirror I focus on the progress I have made and how far I have come!!!!---never give up!! keep your goal in sight!!! love yourself and, remember to eat right

And please consider talking to someone.

danika2point0 · February 2016

Are you seeing a counsellor for the other things you wrote (anxiety, low self-esteem and depression)? If not, you should right away and you should be as communicative as you can about these issues and thoughts. I do not think anyone here is qualified to help you. Please take care of yourself.

CollieFit · February 2016

The way you see yourself and the way you manage your emotions is clearly very distorted. I would second those who said you should consider counselling or psychotherapy. I fear that the way you view yourself will not be addressed by merely changing the outside. The extra few pounds off will not miraculously make you love yourself. Make as much effort with your mental health as you do with your weightloss and you might find you will naturally feel less self-critical and self destructive.

Debbie_Ferr · February 2016

Please see a professional

LexiLuLexi · February 2016

I'm going to recommend a brilliant book by Linda Bacon, called Health At Every Size.

mamadon · February 2016

TavistockToad wrote: »

You need to love yourself regardless of your weight or you will never be happy.

I second seeing someone to talk about your feelings

I third this. You will never be happy with your weight no matter what it is, as long as you don't like yourself. And regardless of what you think, if you regard yourself as obese at 124 pounds, you are not looking at yourself in a real and healthy way. Talk to someone, how sad to be so miserable in your own skin.

snowflake954 · February 2016

Get help hon. It's the best investment you'll ever make in yourself.

SisterSueGetsFit · February 2016

Mavrick_RN wrote: »

You are not healthy. You want someone to agree that you are fat or gross or ugly. I will not agree to that but I will say your self image could use some work. You need a professional to help you. You are saying all the right things to be diagnosed with an eating disorder. Maybe you are testing MFP to see if we will notice.

We have. Your troubles are more than can be handled by a bunch of well-meaning strangers on the internet.

This. I agree this goes beyond what anyone can tell you here. I do wish you luck and hope you can learn to love yourself. That's one of the most important aspects of life.

atmwh · February 2016

Debbie_Ferr wrote: »

Your actual BMI is TWENTY (not 24 to 25 per your posting)
Per BMI chart http://cdn.builtlean.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Bmi-chart-big.jpg

You're basically
5'6",
125 pounds.
You are on the LOWER end of OPTIMAL BMI.

You missed the period. She's five feet and half an inch.

OP, despite this, you are very much not overweight, by definition. I think you need to seek assistance from someone qualified. Feeling suicidal is cause for concern, and far beyond the spectrum of 'normal' self-esteem issues. Your behavior and dialogue indicates an eating disorder, or at least the high potentiality of an eating disorder. Losing weight is unlikely to make these thoughts disappear.

Beautiful_Warrior94 · February 2016

Honey listen to me. And I'll try not to make this long as a novel.

First off, that BMI you're at right now is perfectly healthy.
Second off, the BMI is a messed up hunk of garbage that does not describe your worth, intelligence, how much people love and care for you, or how beautiful you are inside. Sure it'll tell you some damn number and all, but how do you feel personally. You need to listen to your own body. We are all healthy as a different weight. If we were all the same this would be one sad *kitten* universe.

For example, my mom and I are the same height and we weigh differently based on our different body types. I have a straight runners body where honestly I can't put weight on in my chest for boobs or on my hips. I know I'm like a ruler, I know I hardly have any boobs. My mom has curves like Beyoncé. Sure we have a different weight, her weight is higher than mine. But that's all because of body types. She looks great. I look fine at my weight.

My point here is don't focus on the number on the scale. I made that mistake back in high school and that got me diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia. I was so focused on a specific number I lost my period, lost old friends, isolated myself, that scale was my only focus and exercise wasn't enjoyable for me.

It took me years but today my fiancé does know about my past. And he is helping me get better. I'm in a much happier place now. I can enjoy exercise again. I may still struggle on the diet part but I'm better than I was.

You don't have to ever feel disgusting because news flash...YOU'RE NOT!

kittenful · February 2016

Let me tell you my story.

When I started out on here, I was pretty disgusted with myself, too. I was 178 lbs, and at my minuscule 5'2" felt huge (try having a twin sister who was still as tiny as ever). The thing is, about a month or two into exercise, my focus shifted. It wasn't all about losing all the weight and attaining a body shape that may not even be possible, anymore. That kind of unhealthy thinking only made me miserable. I realized I could feel muscles that I'd never noticed before. Specifically, my triceps. I was so proud! My thought processes shifted, not in a day, but over a period of time. It took me around a year to lose the weight I wanted to, but it went much smoother because I wasn't beating myself up about it anymore. Here I am now, fluctuating between 120-125 and okay with it, even though my belly isn't flat. I'm strong and I'm able and I'm proud of the things my body can accomplish.

I learned to stop comparing myself to others, because their bodies are not mine. Not even my twin's. I learned to compete against myself to strive to get better, faster, stronger. I know, it's a bit of a cliche, but it's what worked for me. Others are suggesting that you seek counseling and I'm going to agree, because after reading your OP, your relationship with food and your body image doesn't seem healthy. Focusing on the positives went a long way with me. I hope you can find a similar path.

LKArgh · February 2016

TasteofEnvy wrote: »

Mavrick_RN wrote: »

You are not healthy. You want someone to agree that you are fat or gross or ugly. I will not agree to that but I will say your self image could use some work. You need a professional to help you. You are saying all the right things to be diagnosed with an eating disorder. Maybe you are testing MFP to see if we will notice.

We have. Your troubles are more than can be handled by a bunch of well-meaning strangers on the internet.

I'm not "testing" anyone or begging for attention. This is the motivation and support forums. I'm looking for motivation or helpful ways to stop feeling this way and maybe some advice on how to lose the last few pounds. I don't have an eating isorder.... I don't purposely starve myself, and I don't binge and purge. I will admit to having things like depression, anxiety, and low self esteem.

1) See a therapist. Schedule an appointment today.
2) Stop trying to lose weight and focus on exercise. At this stage, it will make a huge difference (given time, not in a few weeks), more than losing 10 more pounds will.
But, first (1), then (2).

Therealobi1 · February 2016

I just read sidesteels blogs (http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/SideSteel?month=201601) and thought of this post

This is the line in particular:

4) This is a big one. DO NOT compare yourself to the images you see on the internet. You are awesome, your body is awesome, and if you want to make it perform better or look different, that's great. But you've only got one body and you're wasting your time and mental energy trying to make it look like somebody else.

You're better off loving the one you have, and BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT, make it the best you can.

I Feel Like I'll Always be Gross and Disgusting

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