Focusing on Myself During My Separation/Divorce
gingaraffe
Posts: 10 Member
Im not a new user to MFP, but have never been that active on my other account! I am currently going though a separation, and I know that I'll be filing for divorce in the future months. I have never had a chance to focus solely on myself. That may sound selfish, but I want to put that focus into my workouts and eating plans! I want to be a better version of myself for ME. I'm 27, and weigh in at 310 at 6'1". ....I had higher self esteem until finding out my husband was having an affair on me. He's never criticized my weight, and has been with me through thick and less thick, But now, I want to be able to see him one day and show him that he missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime with me. My personality and my looks now both match! So...there is my soppy story! I am ready to work it out, and put my aggression and feelings towards reaching my goals!
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Replies
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When going through a separation, it's important to focus on yourself. Me, I took up ballroom dancing, and gained a world of confidence from it!
eta: love the humorous wordplay of the username, @gingaraffe0 -
Best of luck. I know you have it in you to continue the path you are on. I hope you achieve your goals.0
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I am going through the exact same thing. I am 35 my husband is 36 and he decided he needed a 23 year old girlfriend that he decided to hide for 6 months. I actually signed papers today to initiate our divorce. It has been a horrible experience and I am so ready for it to be over. The first thing I did was find my support and get a good counselor. PM if you would like a link to my blog. I have been trying not to really focus on the positive things I have in my life and not focus on his poor decisions.0
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You're not alone. I am 30, and last weighed in at 298.2 lbs. My husband and I have been together 15 years and married 12. We are talking separation now, and though he denies it I am still wondering if there is or has been someone else. I just need to focus on myself and my kids now. I have to be healthy for them, and one day I will wear a slinky red dress and make him sorry he ever neglected me!1
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I've been there too, plus the divorce and selling the house etc.
Its not nice what he did but I think the attitude that you want to make him see what he is missing is unhelpful. His behaviour is not about you- and going forward he shouldn't have any impact on your behaviour or feelings.
I think it would be healthier for you to make peace that it wasn't meant to be and how lucky you are to have the opportunity to start again. You will do this , I have no doubt - but do it for you- not to prove something to him. Plus - its when we are trying to be the best version of ourselves that we attract similar-minded people.
On another note- I found it really helpful to gather up anything that reminded me of him (including left over jars of his favourite food, and things with his handwriting on) and have a huge 'boyfriend bonfire'. Its really satisfying.
There is nothing worse than having a great day and then opening a drawer to find something of his and then getting all upset and the rest of the day being ruined. That's just me though..... oh and I also cleaned the house top to bottom when he moved out. Took 2 days solid but it felt like 'mine' afterwards. And I bought a new bed too.0 -
If it's any consolation ladies I'm 53 & have seen 90% of my divorced friends get about 200% leaner & hotter than they ever were before in this gawdawful process. So the numbers on your side! Just don't forget to hang onto this new sense of commitment to self when you partner up again in the future. Best wishes to you all. xoL0
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Today I can say I am angry. I am angry because I have done everything right, I have been a responsible citizen, a faithful wife and now I am the one who has to be the adult and clean up the messes. It makes me angry and frustrated. While I watch him go off with his girlfriend"his new love" and I have to pick up the pieces.0
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I'm in the same boat! My ex is gonna see what he lost one day!0
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About 8 years ago I was preparing for college graduation, and my boyfriend and I were talking about buying out first house together. A week before graduation I found out he had been cheating on me. One of the worst parts was when the other woman told me that he denied ever dating me, because he would never date someone who looked like me (she happened to be even bigger than I was, so I'm not sure if he actually said it). Anyhow, i didn't want him back, ever, but I did want to show him that I was better without him. I stared running and focusing on losing weight. It worked...I started losing weight, but what I realized is that I wanted to do it for myself, not to "show him" anything. I stopped worrying about getting skinny, and focused on getting healthy and strong. My body changed in ways I couldn't imagine, and I gained a lot of self respect and self confidence. That was the real change that I needed. About two years later I was at the club with my friends and ran in to him. He told me how good I looked and that he missed me. My response, as ridiculous as it sounds, was "you are such an a**hole". I said it super calmly and looked him straight in the eye. That was probably the one and only time he heard me cuss, in the five years we spent together. I went home and felt pretty immature about my response, so I sent him an email that apologized, and said I hoped he was doing well. I blocked all of his emails after that, and I'm not sure if he ever responded. That was the ending that I needed, although telling him off felt good lol. So working out and getting healthy became so much more than getting revenge, although it was a great motivator!0
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Fit4LifeAR wrote: »About 8 years ago I was preparing for college graduation, and my boyfriend and I were talking about buying out first house together. A week before graduation I found out he had been cheating on me. One of the worst parts was when the other woman told me that he denied ever dating me, because he would never date someone who looked like me (she happened to be even bigger than I was, so I'm not sure if he actually said it). Anyhow, i didn't want him back, ever, but I did want to show him that I was better without him. I stared running and focusing on losing weight. It worked...I started losing weight, but what I realized it that I wanted to do it for myself, not to "show him" anything. I stopped worrying about getting skinny, and focused on getting healthy and strong. My body changed in ways I couldn't imagine, and I gained a lot of self respect and self confidence. That was the real change that I needed. About two years later I was at the club with my friends and ran in to him. He told me how good I looked and that he missed me. My response, as ridiculous as it sounds, was "you are such an a**hole". I said it super calmly and loomed him straight in the eye. That was probably the one and only time he heard me cuss, in the five years we spent together. I went home and felt pretty immature about my response, so I sent him an email that apologized, and said I hoped he was doing well. I blocked all of his emails after that, and I'm not sure if he ever responded. That was the ending that I needed, although telling him off felt good lol. So working out and getting healthy became so much more than getting revenge, although it was a great motivator!
Follow this and you'll do just fine. Sorry about the situation but deep down we know it does take two to tango. Finding neat places to put blame is not helpful or healthy.0 -
mellymint80 wrote: »Today I can say I am angry. I am angry because I have done everything right, I have been a responsible citizen, a faithful wife and now I am the one who has to be the adult and clean up the messes. It makes me angry and frustrated. While I watch him go off with his girlfriend"his new love" and I have to pick up the pieces.
Girl I have been there! It's impossible to see now, but one day you will look back and see this as a stepping stone. My ex now has two kids with the other woman, and she is constantly telling everyone who will listen that he cheats on her and is a horrible boyfriend.
I look at my boyfriend today and realize I couldn't be any luckier. It was like trading in a piece of coal for a diamond.
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6502programmer wrote: »When going through a separation, it's important to focus on yourself. Me, I took up ballroom dancing, and gained a world of confidence from it!
eta: love the humorous wordplay of the username, @gingaraffe
OMG! So, I've always wanted to take dancing lessons! Ballroom dancing at that! ...I need to add that to my "To Do" list! I've already got: Learn Sign Language (I know the basic alphabet), Learn how to play the Violin, and do a NEW Hike Once a Month! Its liberating doing these things for ME0 -
Whitezombiegirl wrote: »I've been there too, plus the divorce and selling the house etc.
Its not nice what he did but I think the attitude that you want to make him see what he is missing is unhelpful. His behaviour is not about you- and going forward he shouldn't have any impact on your behaviour or feelings.
I think it would be healthier for you to make peace that it wasn't meant to be and how lucky you are to have the opportunity to start again. You will do this , I have no doubt - but do it for you- not to prove something to him. Plus - its when we are trying to be the best version of ourselves that we attract similar-minded people.
On another note- I found it really helpful to gather up anything that reminded me of him (including left over jars of his favourite food, and things with his handwriting on) and have a huge 'boyfriend bonfire'. Its really satisfying.
There is nothing worse than having a great day and then opening a drawer to find something of his and then getting all upset and the rest of the day being ruined. That's just me though..... oh and I also cleaned the house top to bottom when he moved out. Took 2 days solid but it felt like 'mine' afterwards. And I bought a new bed too.
I LOVE the idea of the Boyfriend Bonfire! ...My friends and I are actually having a "Mock Funeral" on Valentines Day. I'm writing a eulogy about the man that I loved being gone and dead. Because honestly, I do feel that he is dead. He isnt the man I love and married. And it does help that he's moved, and everything is new for me: New Store (I work in retail), New Car, New Apartment (soon), and he's moved back out of the area. So, no worries of seeing him,
...and its odd, because when I wrote that, I did feel like it was a: "Look at what you lost" statement, but I dont feel that way. I'm eating better and working out for me. I feel better when I do, and in more control. I know he'll miss me one day - and I think that day may be sooner than even I realize. But, what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. And the anger I love to channel into Hikes and working out. If I hit a tough patch in a hike, I dig deep and think: "This physical pain is nothing, get your butt going girl!"0 -
Fit4LifeAR wrote: »About 8 years ago I was preparing for college graduation, and my boyfriend and I were talking about buying out first house together. A week before graduation I found out he had been cheating on me. One of the worst parts was when the other woman told me that he denied ever dating me, because he would never date someone who looked like me (she happened to be even bigger than I was, so I'm not sure if he actually said it). Anyhow, i didn't want him back, ever, but I did want to show him that I was better without him. I stared running and focusing on losing weight. It worked...I started losing weight, but what I realized is that I wanted to do it for myself, not to "show him" anything. I stopped worrying about getting skinny, and focused on getting healthy and strong. My body changed in ways I couldn't imagine, and I gained a lot of self respect and self confidence. That was the real change that I needed. About two years later I was at the club with my friends and ran in to him. He told me how good I looked and that he missed me. My response, as ridiculous as it sounds, was "you are such an a**hole". I said it super calmly and looked him straight in the eye. That was probably the one and only time he heard me cuss, in the five years we spent together. I went home and felt pretty immature about my response, so I sent him an email that apologized, and said I hoped he was doing well. I blocked all of his emails after that, and I'm not sure if he ever responded. That was the ending that I needed, although telling him off felt good lol. So working out and getting healthy became so much more than getting revenge, although it was a great motivator!
I find it interesting that he said he "Missed you". I think I'll always Miss him, on some level or another. I just told him a couple of days ago we shouldn't talk every day because it was setting me back emotionally to know he was talking to me and talking to the "other woman". He of course got mad (his go to emotion) and we hung up shortly after. Its tough, but honestly...these last two days have already seemed a bit better. I dont have to wonder if he's telling her the same things he's telling me. Of course, I hope he's missing me, but my friend told me: "He isn't going to miss you if you dont cut him off. The old Hannah I knew wouldn't have put up with this S**** for two seconds". ....anyways...I dont know what'll happen if I ever see him again, but I imagine something like your reaction! :P0 -
6502programmer wrote: »When going through a separation, it's important to focus on yourself. Me, I took up ballroom dancing, and gained a world of confidence from it!
eta: love the humorous wordplay of the username, @gingaraffe
I swear I already replied to this...but Thanks for the wordplay appreciation! Its quite a pain to try to spell my email though when I'm giving it out! I'm a tall redhead = gingaraffe!! hehe!
I love the idea of ballroom dancing! I've always wanted to learn! I'll have to add that back to my list! My current list of to dos is: Learn Sign Language (I already know the alphabet), Learn how to play the violin, Go on a NEW hike once a month, and take a ballroom dancing class!
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gingaraffe wrote: »OMG! So, I've always wanted to take dancing lessons! Ballroom dancing at that! ...I need to add that to my "To Do" list! I've already got: Learn Sign Language (I know the basic alphabet), Learn how to play the Violin, and do a NEW Hike Once a Month! Its liberating doing these things for ME
For guys, it's fantastic. Where else can we go from nothing, to being able to confidently ask a woman to dance, to having our hands on her in the span of thirty seconds? It broke my shyness, and it was way cheaper and way, way more fun than therapy. It's also fun when you get to dance at shows like Michael Buble (back before he got big and played arenas, he was doing 1000 seat theatres).
Yeah, and don't talk to him, unless you're able to conceive forgiving and moving on together. Barring that, "Just the facts, ma'am," is the best approach.
Eta: even if you didn't see the first reply, I did! Also, learn Latin. Once you've got your dancing feet, be ready to hit the Latin nights at various clubs around town.0 -
I have been there and it does get easier. i did lose some weight after him but was starting to put some back on (emotional eater) and this time i have incorporated exercise. i am doing this for me.
it just hit 5yrs last week when I left him. i feel good though. i no longer feel sorry for him or feel responsible for what he does (it was an unhealthy marriage). I did a bonfire a cpl years ago and burned my wedding dress. that was fun lol0 -
Think of it this way...you rocket-started your weight loss journey by losing 200 pounds (or however much he weighs!) of unnecessary dead weight
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I believe I'm going to go down the same road. I'm trying to save my maariage but If he doesn't want to give up the other woman I'll be there. I know how you feel. I actually started losing for my husband. I wanted to look good for him. Me as well but a lot for him. He has never said anything negative about my weight but its nice to put yourself first after everything.0
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sending big hugs to you!
I'm seven years past a difficult divorce. Haven't lost an ounce. However, I am 1000% happier, because I recreated my life into what I wanted. My recovery involved getting a weekly massage through the worst of it, getting good sleep, eating healthfully, working with a good counselor, making new friends that supported me in the lifestyle I wanted, started my own business, took some trips. I had so much more free time when I stopped trying to please an unpleasable narcissistic serial cheater. Life is good now!
I wish you lots of luck!0 -
Why would it be selfish to focus on your own needs? That is your job as a human being--nobody else is going to do it for you.
Another vote here for social dancing as a great way to be active, make new friends and feel good in your body. I do Latin--several kinds of salsa, plus bachata, merengue and cumbia. I LOVE it. Getting back to dancing and being better at it has been a major motivation for losing weight and maintaining fitness.0 -
Ginga, I just realized that we are in the same city. Hit me up if you want to learn about dance opportunities in this area.
There are lots of dance events in Portland that start with a beginner's lesson that anybody can try. These usually cost about $5 and they are tons of fun.0 -
You go girl!!! You can and will do this0
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Wow I feel awkward being nearly the only guy in this chat. Ten years together and her family finally convinced her to leave me. I'm on disability since we got married in 2005. She says there is no one else she just fell out of love. Well we tried losing weight together over the years I would always give into her wanting to quit weight watchers or whatever diet we were on. Now I'm in my own place I lost a lot of material things in this divorce but they don't matter. With it just being my choices for what to eat and what to buy for groceries I've made great progress I've lost 57 lbs since October 1. I have a long ways to go but I'm going to try and do this without bypass surgery. Adjusting my diet and increasing my activity was the easy part. The part I have difficulty with is the big empty bed0
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6502programmer wrote: »gingaraffe wrote: »OMG! So, I've always wanted to take dancing lessons! Ballroom dancing at that! ...I need to add that to my "To Do" list! I've already got: Learn Sign Language (I know the basic alphabet), Learn how to play the Violin, and do a NEW Hike Once a Month! Its liberating doing these things for ME
For guys, it's fantastic. Where else can we go from nothing, to being able to confidently ask a woman to dance, to having our hands on her in the span of thirty seconds? It broke my shyness, and it was way cheaper and way, way more fun than therapy. It's also fun when you get to dance at shows like Michael Buble (back before he got big and played arenas, he was doing 1000 seat theatres).
Yeah, and don't talk to him, unless you're able to conceive forgiving and moving on together. Barring that, "Just the facts, ma'am," is the best approach.
Eta: even if you didn't see the first reply, I did! Also, learn Latin. Once you've got your dancing feet, be ready to hit the Latin nights at various clubs around town.
I have friends who want to learn Salsa dancing - and I never thought about that idea before. The fact that its a great place that a man gets to dance with a woman without any pressure! I cant wait! I have always wanted to learn how to ballroom dance...and salsa! :P 0 -
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amyvanblaricom wrote: »I believe I'm going to go down the same road. I'm trying to save my maariage but If he doesn't want to give up the other woman I'll be there. I know how you feel. I actually started losing for my husband. I wanted to look good for him. Me as well but a lot for him. He has never said anything negative about my weight but its nice to put yourself first after everything.
My weight has always been a big deal for me. But, he's loved me no matter what. It wasnt my weight that made him have the affair, and thats something that I KNOW for a fact. But losing weight has felt empowering to ME. I'm in control of what I eat and when and how I feel. 0 -
azulvioleta6 wrote: »Ginga, I just realized that we are in the same city. Hit me up if you want to learn about dance opportunities in this area.
There are lots of dance events in Portland that start with a beginner's lesson that anybody can try. These usually cost about $5 and they are tons of fun.
Sounds fun! I live in Salem - are you in Portland?! Either way, I love whats available and am willing to drive to Portland for a dance class here and there...but I want to dance locally! Its something to do and take me out of my comfort zone in way! 0 -
Wow I feel awkward being nearly the only guy in this chat. Ten years together and her family finally convinced her to leave me. I'm on disability since we got married in 2005. She says there is no one else she just fell out of love. Well we tried losing weight together over the years I would always give into her wanting to quit weight watchers or whatever diet we were on. Now I'm in my own place I lost a lot of material things in this divorce but they don't matter. With it just being my choices for what to eat and what to buy for groceries I've made great progress I've lost 57 lbs since October 1. I have a long ways to go but I'm going to try and do this without bypass surgery. Adjusting my diet and increasing my activity was the easy part. The part I have difficulty with is the big empty bed
The empty bed bothers me some nights - but my husband was always working nights...so I got used to being up by myself and going to bed by myself. Its weird not having to rush home to try to see him before he went to work. Or hoping to see him in the am. Now? Its just me. And the when LOVE finds me again, I'll be more wiser and will have a stronger more mature relationship because of my past relationship - as will you!0 -
Hi everyone. I'm recently (shockingly and suddenly) separated with a 5 month old. I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I'm going to try to focus on my health (of course my baby is my priority). Add me if you want.0
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