WARNING: Bing & anorexic behavior

I don't want to seem ignorant. My close friend who knows me completely knows I have a bad body image & relationship with food. She's suggested I look up psychological/ nutritional books on bing eating & anorexia.
I'm obese but I was underweight at 16. Was thin my whole life but always thought I was fat because how I developed & how I was treated.
In high school I didn't eat lunch at school especially when I was 16. Not even eat when I got home. Sometimes breakfast. I started gaining end of 16, ever since then to now, 6 years ago. When I started seeing the pounds pack on I felt more & more disgusting & embarrass to show myself in public. I still do. I haven't looked at myself next to anyone else in years.
I freak out when I loose up to 5lbs. Then stop & gain it all back. My own back story for that reason, but, I'm basically looking for
-ANYONE WHO FEELS-
they're disgustingly fat, who've gained nearly 100lbs, anyone who has conflicted feelings about food-know it's healthy but doesn't eat enough because they feel they'll eat too much. Then eat too much & realize it's wrong that it's not heathy on their body. Who wants to hide from the world & wear only black to look smaller. Feels good about eating fruits & veggies, but just doesn't stick to it.
If you want to add any more feelings you go through or habits that are related to these please list. I just need friends like that, like me, who understand what I'm going through. I'm not bulimic. I'm learning to eat healthy but it'll be a struggle.