How to cope when a parent dies
angelexperiment
Posts: 1,917 Member
hi I recently lost my mom last week. It's all very fresh and raw and surreal right now. I do not want to eat my way out of my feelings or get so depressed I undo all my hard work. How do you cope, get through it and heal? I found some old food habits creep up but I'm deter not to let it stick around as I finally got to onederland and I know my mom was so proud of the hard work I was accomplishing. I just feel lost without her, we were pretty close and now my best friend and mother is gone. She was only 65. I thought we would have so much more time. I am glad she no longer suffers with pain and she can be happy I just miss her so much!
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Replies
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I'm sorry for your loss. Hugs. Time, It just takes time.0
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Angelex. Sorry to leanr that. She is renting in the glory of god. Don't worry. Everything will be alright. I just want to let you know that here you have a friend.0
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I'm sorry for your loss but you're 35 years old. This happens. I know that's not what you want to hear but having lost several loved ones even while very young, I can tell you, you'll get through it. It sucks. Pure and simple. But that is simply life. We lose our parents. If we live long enough or are unfortunate enough we lose siblings and spouses and others. You keep going. It's what we do.0
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So sorry for your loss, I went through the same in September. I know sometimes it feels like just showing up is too much. Hang onto your weightless plan for dear life my friend. The temptation to cope with food WILL lessen over time and you may find comfort in a little extra exercise. As difficult as you will find it, face your fears and emotions head on. I have a friend that always says "if we don't deal with our emotions, we will eat them." I am sincerely wishing you the very best!
I'm sending a friend request your way
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i know how you feel. i lost my mother when i was 15 when she was only 34, she was my best friend too. it is a very surreal thing to happen, and i can tell you over 7 years later and i still feel like it didn't happen and it destroys me at times. i've dealt with depression even before she passed, but it worsened and has been chronic since everything that has happened. so at times i either feel like not eating at all or i eat too much when i get bored or restless or want a pick me up. healing will never be an end goal, but an on going process. there is really no easy way out of it, and everyone deals with loss differently.
as for eating habits,there will be days when you probably don't want to eat, so maybe buy stuff that is easy to cook & nutritious/filling. even on the days you feel like eating the world & are too fatigued/sad to prepare a meal, it is smart to still have easy to cook & nutritious meals. i try to not buy snack/junky foods, not because i'm against them but because i will sit there and nibble on it mindlessly when i am feeling weird or bored.
the best way to deal with all of this, both weight loss, and the loss of your mom is to try to surround yourself with loved ones & friends who will support you and be there for you. i find that is most important, even when you will want to isolate yourself. you will have to go back out to the world, even little walks can help. there will be times you feel lonely, so very lonely, like no one understands the loss you are currently going through, especially losing a mother. but it does slowly get better, and keeping your goals in mind & finding healthy outlets for your emotions is essential. i find writing to be most therapeutic for me, because i like to write poetry, journal entries and songs because i like to sing. so through song & writing it helps me release all the things i want to say & how i am feeling. and i find talking about my mom A LOT always helps me feel she is near in my heart. i still to this day talk about my mom & think of happy memories of her and keep pictures near me. and it's silly, but sometimes i even imagine her cheering me on as i reach my goals and grow stronger, both physically & emotionally. you'll get through this, and if you ever need anybody to talk to i am here. 0 -
Oh sweetie... Sending you a big internets hug. Losing a mother is such a profound loss at ANY age. I was an only child with an adorable single teen mum who was my best friend & I truly thought we would grow old together like sisters, but life had a different plan. The year I turned forty & had just had a new baby my 59 year old mother suddenly presented the symptoms of late stage pancreatic cancer & died a few weeks later. It took a long time to fully integrate that loss, but as awful as some days felt every one of them was just a regular 24-hour day. That's how you'll do it. One day at a time. Go easy on yourself at first. Your healthy rhythms will re-establish themselves but don't beat yourself up over days you feel like you are completely underwater. Grief has a very labyrinthine nature. You'll wander around in circles some, double back here and there, and run smack dab into a few dead ends. It's all part of the process. I wish you well. We need a secret handshake or something. xoxoL0
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Hugs. I lost my mum at age 65 two years ago. My advise is not to think too much, just put one foot infront of the other - take it a day at a time and eventually it will become easier. Love and hugs. X0
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I'm so sorry about your mum.
Try not to have easy acess the wrong foods at home. When things get really bad put in your headphones, turn the music up and go for a run or whatever exercise you prefer. The two together make thinking difficult.0 -
My mother was diagnosed with end-stage COPD in 2011 and died Dec 2013 (was chain smoker). She spent the last year on 24h oxygen. She was 66. My father didn't deal with it well and got himself a new (and considerably younger) woman within a week of my mother's funeral. This woman cleaned him out financially, resulting in him selling any heirloom of any value so all my mum's history was sold to keep this new "lady" in the lifestyle she had grown accustomed to. By March 2014 he was diagnosed with stage 4 oesophageal cancer (he was also a chain smoker). By May his new woman was gone. He went completely mental and started stalking her and I thought he was going to get himself arrested. Then he "advertised" for a new woman (literally!) and "interviewed his "applicants" (literally!!) and was soon in a new relationship. After a year of palliative chemo he died in July 2015. He was only 68. I don't have any siblings so the responsibility for the funeral and dissolving his household were on me alone. It is when I went through all the papers that I realised how much debt he created for his other women (loans, credit cards etc.) and he also dipped into the funeral insurance, which was there for me to get him buried.
To cut a long and miserable story short, my grieving for my mum was totally disturbed by my father's subsequent behaviour, and rather than grieving, I felt really bloody angry about it all. For 6 months I was just in a complete daze and on a constant rollercoaster of grief and fury. Then I invested in some grief counselling and spent a while talking about what happened, which I found hugely helpful.
OP, this may not be what you want to hear, but I DID gain considerable weight during that time (about 45lb) because I ate what I wanted and was very inactive (i.e. hours and hours of binge watching TV and hiding in the house). BUT... I got out of that eventually and I feel like I'm getting back to normal (whatever that is...) both mentally and physically. But it took a while.
Be kind to yourself.0 -
Big hugs. I lost my dad in November so it's still very raw for me too. It's very easy to slip into bad eating habits for comfort and to fill a void but it never ever works. I gave myself two months off the gym and counting calories and it made me even more miserable. I joined back the gym in January and I'm feeling so much better. I've stuck to it and I'm seeing results. I see it as my time at the gym is my time for me to concentrate on me. When I go home... Sure I can cry about missing my dad but I've learnt to block it for that period of time. Keep positive, keep pushing but be kind to yourself x0
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I'm very sorry for your loss.
It takes time to grieve and cope with a loss of someone important to you.
My mom died a couple of years ago and it was very painful. I was also very close to her so it was a giant hole in my heart and life. I think I cried most days for a year. I felt sadness but also resentment, anger, confusion/frustration as well. I still think of her every day but it doesn't hurt now that time has passed.
It altered relationships with my father and siblings when Mom died and that was a difficult aspect of the loss too.
Talk to someone about what you feel. My dh was a great support for me but there are grief support groups, therapists, friends who have had similar losses, etc who can listen and help you work through your feelings.
I think trying to stick to a routine is helpful but it might not be your old routine. I had to change up what I did because I used to talk to my mom every Sunday morning. I lost interest in some things I used to do too. So life was different. I found listening to music helpful and walking the dog.
It takes time to grieve and heal. Just take one day at a time.
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So sorry for your loss.
I lost my father 2 years ago...maybe to the day. It was the end of February. He was 67. He became quite ill around the end of January and was hospitalized in ICU until the end.
I didn't cope very well. I was already struggling with some regain around 8 months out from a 100 pound loss so I wasn't exactly sailing into maintenance. I did try to use exercise to deal at first, but didn't keep it up. Lots of time on the couch and my eating was at least a little bit comfort and a good deal just not caring...eating whatever was easy.
My mom has been very stressed and depressed the past year or so. Called me just this week saying how X situation was ruining her health and in tears.
So I've though about how I might deal better next time (though I expect losing my mom to be worse) and all I've really come up with is to have an eating plan and stick with it. Something that doesn't depend on me figuring out what to eat...maybe even healthy meal delivery if I have the funds...because last time it was bags and boxes and 50+ pounds of weight on.0 -
I lost my mum in September 2015. Im 24 and she was 51, she had epilepsy and had a turn and fell down the stairs. It made me angry at first how anyone can fall down the stairs and be ok but she died from a bleed on the brain when it happened. It does get easier to cope with. I had to organise the funeral and all her bank/bills and it was a hard 2 weeks after her death. I have 2 young kids too so was extra hard to manage. It turns out I fell pregnant pretty much the exact time she died (she wanted me to have another baby and that baby to be a girl as I have 2 boys - and it is) My tip is keep busy with life but do grieve. Dont sit and think all day about what happened. Grieve and then carry on with your life. Your mom woulnt want to see her child so upset and down x0
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I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to lose a parent, I think we tend to think they are invincible and will live forever.
My dad died 3 years ago. He was having surgery for an aneurysm and had a stroke. It was the worst thing to ever happen to me.
It was a horrible time for my family. My grandfather died three weeks before my dad and my uncle (my mom lost all three men in her life!) died a few months later. On top of all that, I was having medical issues. I developed a 22mm kidney stone that took 5 surgeries to blast out. I had had a surgery the day before my dad's major surgery and he was there with me in the OR recovery room!
I had just lost 25 lbs. when all of this happened. I did not react well. I pretty much gave up on myself. It took me two years to get to the point that I could try it again.
I finally came to the realization that my dad would not want me to treat myself this way. He was always so proud of my accomplishments and cheered me on, whatever my decisions. He was one of those CAPS and exclamation posters on facebook! I started again because I wanted to feel better , but I also knew he was supporting me all the way. I still hear him cheering me on.
It was not easy. It never is. You have to learn how to move on and live with the piece that is missing.
/hugs.0 -
I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my father when I was a child and my mother as an adult. (also 35, like you) It was swift, sudden and devastating in both cases. The fact that I was 35 didn't make my mother's death any easier to take.
Not a day goes by when I don't think about both of them, but as time goes on it will get easier to cope. Find someone to talk to about how you're feeling and take care of yourself. My mother always took such good care of us and gave up a lot to do so; I told myself that it would be a slap in the face to her if I gave up on myself and didn't strive to take care of myself and have the happy life that she wanted me to have.
(((Hugs)))
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I have been grieving with my brother over the sudden death of his wife on Monday (she was only 50). The best advice I can give is to allow yourself time to grieve and adjust. I'm not saying to go ahead and eat all your emotions, but also don't try to suppress them. We ate out quite a bit this week, partly because of the hectic days of planning, etc, but it's only affected the scale by a pound or so for me. If you have a few extra "cheat days" right now, don't beat yourself up.
At the same time, recognize that food won't make the hurt go away. So when you want to eat to deal with feelings, stop and ask if it's really what will help you the most. Face the hurt. Allow yourself to cry, yell, scream, whatever (anger is a natural part of the grieving process). Talk to someone - family you are grieving with, a good friend, clergy, or whoever. Write. Draw. Create. Scribble.
As others have said, you don't "get over" losing a loved one, you just learn to cope with it. The hurt will lessen, but you will still miss your mom frequently, even after years have passed. That's okay. Sadly, it's part of the process of life. But set a time (ideally within the next week) that you will get your eating on track and not use food to soothe your emotions. Even if you just eat at maintenance for the next couple of months, by tracking what you eat and being mindful of ways to deal with the emotions that don't require food, you won't undo your work. And when you are ready to go back to a deficit, it will be easier if you're tracking your maintenance already.
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to find the peace you seek.0 -
I'm so sorry . I don't have any advice for you but still wanted to show you support.0
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad in August 2014 and I was very close to him. I was put on depression medicine and gained about 60lbs in a year bcuz of the depression medicine all I did was sleep and eat and I didn't care at that time bcuz I was so lost and hurt. It took lots of prayer for me. It's been a year and a half now and I'm off depression medicine working towards losing the weight I put on. I would say the first 6months to a year was the hardest and I cried everyday. There's days I still want to call and ask him a question I just did it the other day. I went to his oldest sisters funeral yesterday and I had a hard time with that seeing photos of them playing on the slide show so I been a little down and crying. It hasn't stopped hurting but it has gotten a little eaiser to go day by day without it being all I think about. Prayers for you.0
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Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. No one can ever replace your Mother. Hugs. Be gentle with yourself and know you will get through the grieving process. Try to be around supportive people who will cry or laugh with you and give you whatever you need. Your Mother will always be with you in your heart and memories. I don't know if my steps for emotional eating will help but I try to get out of the house and walk my dog somewhere for hot coffee or tea and listen to music. I take my camera and take pictures of beautiful or interesting things. Sometimes it is hard to take that first step so just make short goals.0
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Big hugs to you. I'm a funeral director so I deal with people in grief all the time. There are no magic words. But just keep breathing if that is all you can do in the moment. Just know that grief is like waves in the ocean. When it hits it can be overwhelming. But it passes.... and the waves get smaller. Sometimes a big one comes out of nowhere, but in time it gets easier.0
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So sorry for your loss. I lost my mom around the same age. I know how hard it is. All I can say it just takes time. You need to grieve. You will always miss and love her and that is normal. The pain of the loss will get better with time. One day at a time. 0
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I'm sorry for your loss. I have lost both my parents; my Dad 21 years ago this April, my Mom 9 years this past January. I was not there when my Dad passed, I was living in a different state and didn't make it back in time. My Mom I took care of the last three months of her life, and held her had for 9 hours until she drew her last breath. I'm not going to tell you it is easy, but I can assure you it does get better over time. I talked to my Mom on the phone every single day, she moved to the state I was living in after my Dad past, and didn't hesitate for an instant when she needed to be taken care of. I moved her into my home and then she spent the last 3 weeks between a nursing facility and the hospital. She died 22 days after my ex-husband died. The last night before he died of a massive stroke, my ex came to the hospital to see my Mom, had dinner with our two grown sons, and had a massive stroke the next morning. His children had to take him off life support 3 days later. So that made my mother's death even more difficult to deal with, especially for my children. Seven months later my cousin died of a massive heart attack at 53. The last time I saw him was my mother's funeral as he also lived in a different state. Even as time passes, there are things that remind me of my Mom, I have things around my home that were hers so the reminders are there daily. I can talk about her and laugh about things we used to laugh about together, or say something like "Oh, Mom would have loved that" without the pain in my heart feeling quite so deep.
I am not one of those people that turn to food for comfort, I'm quite the opposite. I find it difficult to eat when I'm upset, so I was constantly being reminded by people to eat something. What I find comforting is having things of hers around my home, Her recliner sits in my living room, her bedroom set is in my guest room, her knickknacks are everywhere, from the dolphin figurines she loved to collect to the apple shaped tea set she got for her wedding shower when she married my Dad, both of which are in my dining room hutch. Every Christmas my husband and I eat off the Spode Christmas Tree plates she bought for her and my Dad (2 place settings) and we use the Spode Christmas Tree salt and pepper shakers I gave her one Christmas that prompted her to buy the two place settings. The things I keep around me that were hers bring back such good memories, and that's the ones I want to keep in my heart.0 -
I lost my dad at 62 two years ago this past December. We were also very close and while time does make things better, I know things will never be the same. Grief counseling was pretty key for me...I spent about six months in counseling.
Continuing to exercise was also very therapeutic for me and kept my mind off of things...also, my dad was really proud of what I had accomplished over the last couple of years before he passed...I had a lot of bad blood work going on and basically was heading down the same path as my dad...he was really proud that I took control of things so keepin' on with keepin' on was one of the ways I honored his memory.
I agree with steph124ny...grief comes in waves...some of them are huge and you just feel like you're going to be swallowed up...but it does pass, and those waves do get smaller. Good luck.0 -
Hiya Hun, my heart goes out to you.. My mum died almost 20 years ago, I had just turned 23. It's a time of unbearable pain and sometimes you don't know how you will get through. My Dad is and was a rock and I will never forget his words ' I'd give my right arm to have her back love, but it's not going to happen, so get on with life'. Such strong words from a grieving man but I have never forgotten them and they bring tears to my eyes now. Live your life and make her proud, it's all we can do.. Get your head straight first and let the rest follow. Xx0
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I'm very sorry for your loss. Grieving isn't easy, but you can work through it. Reaching out to people was tough for me when dealing with a loss, but it is the one thing that help me get through it. I do wish I had the forethought to do it sooner.
Take care of yourself and I hope you have people close to you who can give you the support you need.0 -
Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry for your loss, honey!! I wish I had advice that would soothe and comfort you, but I haven't been able to deal yet either. My dad died last September, and I still cry every day. For me, taking care of myself, and my family, helps me to cope. Dad's gone, but I know he's still watching me, as I feel him, even right this second. Cherish every memory you have with your mom, and let those memories comfort you and hold you...I believe that when we're thinking about loved ones who've left us, when we dream of them, and when they won't get out of our minds, they are with us in spirit. xo0
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steph124ny wrote: »Big hugs to you. I'm a funeral director so I deal with people in grief all the time. There are no magic words. But just keep breathing if that is all you can do in the moment. Just know that grief is like waves in the ocean. When it hits it can be overwhelming. But it passes.... and the waves get smaller. Sometimes a big one comes out of nowhere, but in time it gets easier.
What a great analogy (from someone who knows). I will keep that in mind.
OP, I am so sorry for your loss.0 -
I am sorry for your loss.
Grief is such a winding road. There's no right way to "do" it. The analogy of waves in the ocean is very apt. I was on a collision course after losing both of my parents within a year; I made some stupid decisions that I can see now came out of feeling unmoored and very sad for a long time.
Like all of the great advice above, it takes time to come full circle. Keep supportive family & friends close and forge on ahead. It honors your mom's memory to persevere.0 -
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Grief comes in crushing waves. All you can do is ride them out and pray that the storm lets you catch your breath. Sometimes even that may be hard.
I hope and pray that you find strength and comfort with other loved ones and can share memories with them.
For me, this, the sharing of grief, and a strong relationship with God, has made such a difference. I0 -
I am sorry about your loss. You have tons of support here which helps to know your not alone and that others have been where you are. I lost my bio dad when I was 15yrs (he was 52 and died from liver failure). I lost my step dad (66yrs) 2yrs ago this march from cancer. My mom (72yrs) just had a mini stroke 2 weeks ago and I almost lost her.
I just want you to know you will get through this. It may not seem that way now and you may think you will never get over it. If you can talk to someone (professionally or a friend) that would be helpful. Someone once told me to not avoid old pictures and things that remind you of them because you are delaying the grief. Allow yourself to feel those emotions as this will help your healing. HUGS to you
For me my weight has fluctuated over the years and this is the first time I am putting myself first to do something serious about it. Health issues run in my family and I want to be as healthy as I can be to lower my risk.0
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