looked at my husband and he looks so ooooo fat!
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Hey has anyone here looked at their spouse differently lately? Ok I'm not perfect and we are both getting old, but gosh I have tried hard to look healthy,,,,and he has not ...and so I look ok for 54 but he's 56 and looks fat and unhealthy. I am sorry, I wouldn't say this to him. I'm just venting off here in private
....In have nobody else to tell
. I feel terrible now...
Have you checked the Internet? Maybe on some forum he's posting his wife looks fat and unhealthy?0 -
What would suck is if your SO heard that you don't like his current appearance, from someone else other than yourself.
I can't remember the name of the comedian, but he used to joke about his wife telling every one she had a problem about him to everyone else but him. "She'll tell her mother, her sister, her brother, her best friend, other friends.......................but she won't tell me!"
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If we had a dollar for every time a man said he was dissatisfied with how big his wife got we'd be millionaires. This goes both ways. Often times it's after child birth so definitely not fair. Do not feel shamed by these people judging you because i'm 100% sure they have their own skeletons and they're a lot darker then you admitting you are becoming unnattracted to your husband. People can't deal with honesty and those type usually are big liars. I feel a liar is worse than someone who loses attraction in a mate. You need to continue with this honesty, that's what a realtionship is about, and tell him how you feel. It's human to feel the way you do. You never said you didn't love him becaue he was fat so these people are jumping to conclusions. And for those who have an issue with her using a forum get over it. She came here for help because she doesn't have a support group at home. You may not agree but this is her way of support and we shouldn't bash her because we don't agree with her own personal feelings.0
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I can't believe I just spent 5 minutes of my life on this thread. I will never be able to get that time back.0
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If we had a dollar for every time a man said he was dissatisfied with how big his wife got we'd be millionaires. This goes both ways. Often times it's after child birth so definitely not fair. Do not feel shamed by these people judging you because i'm 100% sure they have their own skeletons and they're a lot darker then you admitting you are becoming unnattracted to your husband. People can't deal with honesty and those type usually are big liars. I feel a liar is worse then someone who loses attraction in a mate. You need to continue with this honesty, that's what a realtionship is about, and tell him how you feel. It's human to feel the way you do. You never said you didn't love him becaue he was fat so these people are jumping to conclusions.
So, she's not as attracted to him now. Fair enough. How do you feel about her blasting him to strangers on the internet instead of, oh, I don't know...bringing it up to him? That's A-OK with you?
Oh, and I love the irony in your post, but I doubt you see it.0 -
Didn't say that! I told her to talk to him about it! But I guess you missed that part? Oh and no irony. Must be fun throwing out a random word with no back up just to say I wont see it-because it doesn't exist. I guess that's sort of like saying, Oh it's raining fireballs outside but i guess you don't see it. Made my day
Sorry not sorry you don't like my opinion. And that goes for anyone else on here as well. ;-) People are entitled to their feelings and I won't bash them for it and I won't bash someone who comes her for support even if I don't agree with their feelings. But hey, that's just me. 0 -
Unless you personally know her, how can you assume that's the case? What if it's looking for confirmation so that she can justify having an affair or getting a divorce? Though these might not be the causes, it'd be naive to think that it couldn't.She came here for help because she doesn't have a support group at home. You may not agree but this is her way of support and we shouldn't bash her because we don't agree with her own personal feelings.
People post on public forums for a variance of reasons. Some to catfish, some to troll, some to get pity, some to pass on good information, some to just communicate, etc.
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I wont lecture you about dissing your spouse publicly as others already have. Instead, I'll offer you some advice. Here's what I do if ever I start thinking poorly about my hubby, when I start comparing him or wanting to change him. I think this to myself "What would I do if he died tomorrow. How would I feel? Would I care about his little belly, or the fact he chews his nails?". Works for me, EVERY single time!!! See, I have friends whose spouses have passed. They are completely devastated. They no longer care about the little annoying things that drove them nuts. The sox on the floor, the cigarette smoking, the binge tv watching, those things, and everything else, became totally insignificant.0
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Didn't say that! I told her to talk to him about it! But I guess you missed that part? Oh and no irony. Must be fun throwing out a random word with no back up just to say I wont see it-because it doesn't exist. I guess that's sort of like saying, Oh it's raining fireballs outside but i guess you don't see it. Made my day Sorry not sorry you don't like my opinion. And that goes for anyone else on here as well. ;-) People are entitled to their feelings and I won't bash them for it and I won't bash someone who comes her for support even if I don't agree with their feelings. But hey, that's just me.
You talk about people here judging the OP. And then you call the people who posted here "liars" who have "skeletons in their closet". Sounds kind of judgmental to me. Hence the irony.0 -
For his sake, I hope he finds better than you. Just because you got healthier, doesn't mean he's ready to or WANTS to. Physical appearance only means so much, don't let your body improvements get to your head.0
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For his sake, I hope he finds better than you. Just because you got healthier, doesn't mean he's ready to or WANTS to. Physical appearance only means so much, don't let your body improvements get to your head.
This so much !
I like the saying - people with glass houses shouldn't throw stones. It applies to this thread well.0 -
3dogsrunning wrote: »I disagree with the idea that you should only talk about if it is a health issue. It clearly bothers OP enough to post about it, why should she not talk to him about it?
I'd rather know if my husband was unhappy with my weight and then I could decide for myself where I stood about it. Honestly it would hurt my feelings but if he was harbouring feelings of resentment it's probably going to reflect in the relationship somehow.
I could see how some people may feel that way. I guess I look at it a different way. I see her resentment about his weight as her problem, not his. Right now she's all about her healthy lifestyle. She's making progress & feeling like she could do this forever & if she could do it, why can't he do it too? She's resentful that she's working so hard & he's not & she looks good & he's fat. She decided to make a change--good for her.
Say she does talk to him about it? Don't we all here on MFP pretty much agree that everyone loses weight when they decide to, and not to do it for someone else? What will the end result of the conversation be? Will he decide to lose weight so she won't be resentful? Will he be successful, even though he wasn't really committed to the idea on his own? Will he just be hurt that his wife thinks he's unattractive? Will that make her feel better now that he feels bad too?
What about in the future? We all want to believe that we are committed to a healthy lifestyle, but in reality most of us fall off the wagon again & again & end up regaining. Things happen & that's just how it is & the OP's current eating plan of fasting for 3 days a week doesn't seem to me like it would be sustainable for a lifetime. For me, I know that my marriage is much more of a lifetime commitment than any fitness plan or healthy lifestyle. So, I think that being kind to my spouse is more important than airing every little resentment that comes up, especially if it's my problem to begin with.0 -
thorsmom01 wrote: »Remember- what you don't want , someone else may be glad to have. Sometimes looks aren't the most important feature in a man.
Hell to the yeah.
Maybe I'm anti-spoiled but " he does a manual job, outside in cold weather!" is a far sight better than a lot of men I've been with. "Has stable job" was always #1 on my priority list. I already like this guy.0 -
If i where her husband and i saw this it would be funny calm down
But i love that this is on motivation and support
You legitimately believe her spouse would find her vent amusing?
If you came across an internet post about you written by your significant other, or maybe even a close friend or relative venting about how fat you are, you think it would be funny? Because I sure as hell wouldn't. I would be deeply deeply hurt.0 -
If i where her husband and i saw this it would be funny calm down
But i love that this is on motivation and support
You legitimately believe her spouse would find her vent amusing?
If you came across an internet post about you written by your significant other, or maybe even a close friend or relative venting about how fat you are, you think it would be funny? Because I sure as hell wouldn't. I would be deeply deeply hurt.
I would be deeply hurt if my spouse created a thread saying things like " she's soo fat " and unattractive. I would rather my spouse have a private conversation with me ,not blurt it out on a public forum.
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thorsmom01 wrote: »If i where her husband and i saw this it would be funny calm down
But i love that this is on motivation and support
You legitimately believe her spouse would find her vent amusing?
If you came across an internet post about you written by your significant other, or maybe even a close friend or relative venting about how fat you are, you think it would be funny? Because I sure as hell wouldn't. I would be deeply deeply hurt.
I would be deeply hurt if my spouse created a thread saying things like " she's soo fat " and unattractive. I would rather my spouse have a private conversation with me ,not blurt it out on a public forum.
+1
This thread is awful and sad.
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CoffeeNCardio wrote: »thorsmom01 wrote: »Remember- what you don't want , someone else may be glad to have. Sometimes looks aren't the most important feature in a man.
Hell to the yeah.
Maybe I'm anti-spoiled but " he does a manual job, outside in cold weather!" is a far sight better than a lot of men I've been with. "Has stable job" was always #1 on my priority list. I already like this guy.
For sure. Sometimes being superficial can come back and bite people in the bum. What's unattractive to one lady, may be extremely attractive to another.
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thorsmom01 wrote: »CoffeeNCardio wrote: »thorsmom01 wrote: »Remember- what you don't want , someone else may be glad to have. Sometimes looks aren't the most important feature in a man.
Hell to the yeah.
Maybe I'm anti-spoiled but " he does a manual job, outside in cold weather!" is a far sight better than a lot of men I've been with. "Has stable job" was always #1 on my priority list. I already like this guy.
For sure. Sometimes being superficial can come back and bite people in the bum. What's unattractive to one lady, may be extremely attractive to another.
Agreed. I'm still stuck in the poverty-thought-cycle here: I can't leave my husband, we NEED each other, outside of being in love, we rely on one another to keep eating food and living somewhere (less so these days than 5 years ago but you get the gist). I cannot wrap my head around the concept of leaving one's spouse over something as artificial as beauty. I mean sex and attractiveness are nice, but don't you need each other for, oh EVERYTHING ELSE? The world is a crappy place. I'd rather have a fat ally than a bunch of skinny enemies.0 -
I predict this thread has the potential to go further than the oreo thread! My SO is also overweight and I mention it to him because I care. I want him to feel better, he has aches and pains that I know would be minimized if he did something. I've tried changing the mayo to lowfat in the jar type of thing, I've bought him a book on stretching, I've asked him to come for walks with me. I came to the conclusion that I can only change me and I can only hope that he will eventually start to do something because I've stuck with it and inspired him. He's never said anything about my weight, even as I kept gaining. And I can't imagine how crushed I'd be if he was disrespecting me behind my back. It seems like there may be more going on with your marriage than just weight lose, no? Counseling may help, or in the very least some soul searching on your part. Good luck.0
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MichelleLei1 wrote: »Ignoring your husband's health for a moment, what exactly do you mean you fast 3 times a week to keep your weight down? This sounds relatively unhealthy and certainly unsustainable. I suggest before you try and fix your husband you get your own diet routine in check.
This. Ain't no way fasting 3 days a week is a healthy lifestyle.0 -
The poster who said the big issue with the OP was the way the statement was framed is right on the money. It is understandable to find your spouse less attractive at points in time. And if it's a serious and long term (1+ year) lack of attraction then it might be something you very kindly mention. Be very careful about how you say it. Don't make it an ultimatum and don't stop being intimate to blackmail your partner! Try to find other aspects to them that you do find attractive in the meantime. Those are going to have more longevity than appearance anyway.
It's the whining tone that's so off putting. Treat him with kindness and respect. He deserves it. He doesn't deserve being bashed behind his back online. If you want suggestions for how to deal with it then phrase your question with thoughtfulness and respect. There are so many other examples of that on the forum.0 -
I think some of you are being a little hard on her. Maybe she's trying out the conversation (with us) that she needs to have with her husband. Of course we all age, but he has a responsibility to try to remain sexually attractive to his wife! I disagree that it's all about health. Looking good and being a sexy partner to your mate are important and I don't think the woman who posted should be shamed for wanting a mate who takes care of himself.0
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lagoscarrie wrote: »I think some of you are being a little hard on her. Maybe she's trying out the conversation (with us) that she needs to have with her husband. Of course we all age, but he has a responsibility to try to remain sexually attractive to his wife! I disagree that it's all about health. Looking good and being a sexy partner to your mate are important and I don't think the woman who posted should be shamed for wanting a mate who takes care of himself.
I think many here are or have been the husband and also many here are too young to understand how it feels to lose attraction not for a moment but for years. And how love and attraction and health are all very separate things. Unless one has been in a long term relationship or marriage and is also relatively old, I think these concepts are impossible to grasp.0 -
On a happier note, have you ever looked at your SO, and like really saw them, and thought damn they look good. I was in the bank the other day and I'm happy to say, my husband walked in and I thought,'man, he looks good.' It was kinda cool. I can say that on the internet, right?0
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Seriously though, the internet is not private.
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I'm not sure how old you are saying one needs to be to have an opinion on this. I'm 53 and I've been in a 22-year marriage and am now in a 1-year-old one. A person in his or her 50s has a lot of years of sexual activity ahead and I don't think a lack of attraction is anything to sweep under the rug.Unless one has been in a long term relationship or marriage and is also relatively old, I think these concepts are impossible to grasp.0 -
Okay enough is enough, I think we have thoroughly chastised the OP. Let's just hope she takes what we said to heart, deletes this thread, and has an honest mature conversation with her husband.0
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I second MichelleLei1!
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I'm the same age as OP and also married to a man who is significantly overweight and who now has Type II diabetes. Once someone is in his 50s and overweight, the problem is more than cosmetic and extends to a whole range of health issues that affect our long-term future together. I'm also normal weight, exercise, and take care of my body because I want a long, healthy life (and yes, to look good, of course). Sometimes, I am frustrated that I am putting in the effort to take care of myself, and he isn't. However, I'm not adopting an unhealthy regime to keep my weight down, like fasting 3 times a week, and perhaps part of OP's husband's "obliviousness" to his weight problem might be that's the kind of hardship he would be expected to undergo to lose the weight and please her.
My own SO is well aware of his weight issues and what he needs to do, and I do what I can to support him by not bringing junk food into the house, making healthy meals, and making his lunch most days of the week. We do take occasional walks together, but it's almost impossible to get him to work out or to fit it into his schedule. There's only so much I can control, and what he does when I'm not around is his choice. While there's no question that weight affects his attractiveness, my larger concern is having a healthy future together; we like to travel together from time to time, and I already notice how his health is affecting his energy level and stamina on days when we do a lot of walking. Framing the question more in the lines of how you enjoy the time you can spend together and want to have your later years as healthy and active adults might be more productive.
On another note about spouses complaining about weight, I just saw a thread early yesterday from a 30s woman who was working out and at 5'2" down to around 116 lbs. Her husband was saying he was not longer attracted to her because her figure was no longer "feminine" and "curvy," and he was now seeing strippers to experience that kind of body. Wow, I never thought I'd see a spouse complaining about a wife being too fit! Maybe OP should be grateful she's not married to that guy!0
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