How can I help my son?
Options
Replies
-
Charlot4444 wrote: »Also if possible lead by example, put into play what you hope for your son. Eating habits, therapy (you mentioned OCD and anxiety) even at 19 he is influenced by what he sees. If he sees the household is dedicated to living 'better'. Maybe he'll want to too.
Also agree with encourage his current behaviour but make it more about muscle gains etc, not about being frail and weak.
I think that's a very good approach. We all need to get healthy, we each have our own struggles. As a family if we can approach living better, I think we'll have a good chance.0 -
Also, the therapist he saw when he was younger were for other issues entirely.0
-
Also, the therapist he saw when he was younger were for other issues entirely.
Even so, it all ties together. Whatever problems he was having then have probably, in some way, affected his self-perception now.
So many people here have more experience with this kind of thing than I do, and have offered such wonderful advice. All I can say is try to get therapy not only for him, but for yourself. Watching an adult child slip away can be a very hard thing to do, whether it's to an eating disorder, drugs, or an unhealthy relationship.
0 -
Depending on how deep mentally into the disorder he is he might be in denial about the damage he's doing to himself. He might look frail but in his eyes he probably still sees himself as fat. So try not to comment on looks but instead say "oh I hear if you exercise too close to bedtime it keeps you awake, maybe that's why you have trouble sleeping." Or ask him what fruits and vegetables he likes best and keep them stocked in the fridge.
I struggle a lot with eating and I've engaged in pretty much every ED tendency at one point or another. I would suggest you do your research and look up anorexia and eating disorders and how they effect men. You could print out some info on nutrition/ effects of calorie restriction etc. and then leave it on the table for him to see and see what he does. You don't want him to feel backed into a corner but you want him to know that you're aware of the issue. The idea to call a clinic or help line for advice is a good idea.
It's a twisted disease but I promise there's hope and a way for him to get better. Stay strong!0 -
When I went to college and dealt with a lot of issues the one thing that really helped me was counseling from the school. It feels less formal than an actual therapist but they still have all the skills to really help. Also, i always thought one of the reasons it worked for me was because it was a chance to get a new perspective from a different counselor without my family being around the office. That really forced me to face my issues rather than make excuses for them. I'd look up if the school he's starting or any other local college has a similar facility. Good luck and best wishes for him.0
-
I hope he'll understand he'd get the most out of his workouts and exercise if he ate adequately. It could be so easy for him to maintain a healthy, perhaps lean physique, as he just needs to eat as much as a 19-year-old young man needs + exercise calories. But, of course any deeper issues with him need to be dealt with first, before any diet advice. I wish your family the best!0
-
Maybe a subscription to a fitness magazine? The info in them is usually rubbish but at least he may be inspired to change his body by looking at the pictures? Something that simple may be enough to get the ball rolling.0
-
Hey kekagel, I'm a big fan of counselling and therapy. But I know that if others don't, they can be very resistant. Even when you're on board, it's hard to find a therapist that is a good fit, so it can take a few that really turn you off before you find one that works. You probably already know, but it might be worth mentioning to him, that while it's worthwhile, it can be a long process and it requires effort!
I'm in a watered down, but similar situation with a family member. I'm trying hard to lead by example and gently share information and tools, as you are, but honestly, I haven't got it all together. I'm ok that I'm not perfect, but I know that from her point of view, she won't believe a thing I suggest until I'm perfect. And if I ever do become "perfect" she'll see me as someone who has a life so completely different, my ideas couldn't possibly work in her life. It's a no-win unless she gets out of that mindset. Keep going for your own goals. No need to put that extra pressure on yourself, I believe that wouldn't solve the issue in any case.
I was going to say try this and that, but a reread the post and he seems very lightweight for his height (I don't actually know 'cos I'm super short, but it just seems like he's much taller than me without being much heavier). One thing you could try is for the next doctor's visit, if he prefers to go with dad anyway, yes go together, and then plan ahead of time that half of the visit will be alone too. When I was 19... probably 90% of my health concerns I would have never mentioned in front of anyone, let alone my parents. I'm SUPER private even though I act like I'm not. It's comforting that doctors have that confidentiality thing, especially to a young person who might feel like there's something they need to be very sure of.
Maybe your own counselling resources can offer some suggestions too?
Best of luck. I know you're worried and trying hard, but go easy on yourself too, it's a tough situation.0 -
His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.0
-
He is not underweight right now, a BMI of 19 is perfectly healthy, especially for his age. He was obese at 200 lbs, yet you are now concerned about his weight? You say you are obese and his father is a type 2 diabetic. The truth is that neither of you is at this point qualified to offer nutrition advice to him and you cannot yet lead by example, so it is nto about his attitude, he is making a very rational observation. I understand your concerns, not saying this is over nothing, but your approach does not make sense. If I was a healthy weight and my obese mother wanted to help me count calories, it would make me worry about her mental health, not convince me I am doing something wrong.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but start with therapy for yourself. You say you have a lot of personal issues. Your child can see this. Unless you deal with your issues, he cannot trust you to offer advice to him. I know that sometimes we can see what is best for our child even if we cannot do the best for ourselves, but, still, from his point of view, your advice is not something he can trust. Let him see you address your issues. This will be the leading by example that can make a difference to him.1 -
I'm at a complete loss. My son is 19, still lives at home, starting college in the Fall. He's 5'9" and was a little over 200 pounds a few years ago. He did cut some of it down was roughly 175-180 last October or so. My husband was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in December and since then my son has been terrified - my words based on his actions - of developing it himself or heart disease. He has gotten down to 130-135 pounds and looks frail.
He does eat dinner but that's usually it. He'll occasionally eat snacks or treats. But then he gets on our elliptical for at least an hour at a time, sometimes I have no idea how long he's been on it because his sleep schedule is backwards and he's up at night. I'm sure he's on it a lot and also says he lifts arm weights. That's also an issue because he barely sleeps typically less than 6 hours per day. He says he has bad dreams and also he constantly feels like he's struggling to breathe. He has purple bags under his eyes and honestly looks strung out. He does have asthma and allergies that he takes medications for. He recently saw the doctor and I thought he would tell him everything, but his Dad went with him and for some reason very little was talked about. The doctor did tell him that he's ont he very low end for his weight catagory and losing additional would be bad. But I'm sure he's lost weight since then.
Because I'm obese and have plenty of my own unhealthy issues - he refuses to listen to anything I say. I've struggled with my weight since middle school, taking Dexetrim thinking I was fat at 125 pounds. I've been everywhere from under 100 to 300 and I know how hard the struggle is, but anything I suggest to him is blown off. I've offered him my Fitbit and to make him a MyFitnessPal account so he can see how many calories he should eat a day. I've tried to explain that his body needs a certain number of calories just to function let alone if he wants to exercise and work out.
What can I do? I'm afraid if he keeps on this path he'll seriously hurt himself.
Your boy needs a mental health evaluation. The not sleeping and nightmares worry me more than the lack of eating (I have an 18 yf old with anxiety issues that is 6"1" 165). Meds can help tremendously. Counselling is necessary too but meds will help him feel better so that he can work with the counselor.
0 -
His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
1 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
Does it though? He has moved from obese to slim. Which many could say is actually an accomplishment, not something to feel bad about. He was in his teens, obese and with a family history of diabetes. His assumption that he needed to make drastic changes or his life would be at risk was a very valid one. Could it become an obsession? Absolutely. But who are we to tell? This is a discussion between him and his dr. Which it looks like he already had this talk. With his father present.1 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
I had to read this a few times thinking "but he is an adult" and then realised OP is American. I think the comment abou the beer was made by someone who like me is not American. Beer is a basic food group for 19 years olds in the rest of the world
1 -
If I were your son I would be livid if I knew you were using a publicly identifiable profile on a public website to discuss my personal struggles. It would add a whole other reason to not trust your judgement.0
-
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
He isn't underage here.1 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
He isn't underage here.
Oh. So your suggestion is that the OP move to where you live?0 -
Op- it sounds like a really stressful situation.
I agree that some counseling is a great idea. Unfortunately there isn't going to be much we can here that would help. You seem to already know that there's some issues that could lead to serious problems ( not sleeping, under eating, low body weight, nightmares, over exercising) its difficult because he's technically an adult but hopefully you can get him into some counseling soon.0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
Does it though? He has moved from obese to slim. Which many could say is actually an accomplishment, not something to feel bad about. He was in his teens, obese and with a family history of diabetes. His assumption that he needed to make drastic changes or his life would be at risk was a very valid one. Could it become an obsession? Absolutely. But who are we to tell? This is a discussion between him and his dr. Which it looks like he already had this talk. With his father present.
Just because he's at a healthy weight doesn't mean he isn't showing signs of disordered thinking. And a mother knows her child. If she feels something isn't right, it bears looking into. Maybe she's right, maybe she's reading too much into it. But her concerns shouldn't be dismissed, especially by strangers on a message board. I would think that she knows her son better than we do, no? The fact that she herself is obese doesn't mean she can't recognize the symptoms of something amiss.0 -
Yikes. I don't know. Can you... sell your elliptical? I know he might just go and do something else... But what happens if he continues to lose weight.
Maybe you could see if you could get him interested in heavy weight lifting - and BULKING!0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.6K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 393 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.3K MyFitnessPal Information
- 23 News and Announcements
- 934 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions