How can I help my son?
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I'm at a complete loss. My son is 19, still lives at home, starting college in the Fall. He's 5'9" and was a little over 200 pounds a few years ago. He did cut some of it down was roughly 175-180 last October or so. My husband was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in December and since then my son has been terrified - my words based on his actions - of developing it himself or heart disease. He has gotten down to 130-135 pounds and looks frail.
He does eat dinner but that's usually it. He'll occasionally eat snacks or treats. But then he gets on our elliptical for at least an hour at a time, sometimes I have no idea how long he's been on it because his sleep schedule is backwards and he's up at night. I'm sure he's on it a lot and also says he lifts arm weights. That's also an issue because he barely sleeps typically less than 6 hours per day. He says he has bad dreams and also he constantly feels like he's struggling to breathe. He has purple bags under his eyes and honestly looks strung out. He does have asthma and allergies that he takes medications for. He recently saw the doctor and I thought he would tell him everything, but his Dad went with him and for some reason very little was talked about. The doctor did tell him that he's ont he very low end for his weight catagory and losing additional would be bad. But I'm sure he's lost weight since then.
Because I'm obese and have plenty of my own unhealthy issues - he refuses to listen to anything I say. I've struggled with my weight since middle school, taking Dexetrim thinking I was fat at 125 pounds. I've been everywhere from under 100 to 300 and I know how hard the struggle is, but anything I suggest to him is blown off. I've offered him my Fitbit and to make him a MyFitnessPal account so he can see how many calories he should eat a day. I've tried to explain that his body needs a certain number of calories just to function let alone if he wants to exercise and work out.
What can I do? I'm afraid if he keeps on this path he'll seriously hurt himself.
Your boy needs a mental health evaluation. The not sleeping and nightmares worry me more than the lack of eating (I have an 18 yf old with anxiety issues that is 6"1" 165). Meds can help tremendously. Counselling is necessary too but meds will help him feel better so that he can work with the counselor.
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His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
Does it though? He has moved from obese to slim. Which many could say is actually an accomplishment, not something to feel bad about. He was in his teens, obese and with a family history of diabetes. His assumption that he needed to make drastic changes or his life would be at risk was a very valid one. Could it become an obsession? Absolutely. But who are we to tell? This is a discussion between him and his dr. Which it looks like he already had this talk. With his father present.1 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
I had to read this a few times thinking "but he is an adult" and then realised OP is American. I think the comment abou the beer was made by someone who like me is not American. Beer is a basic food group for 19 years olds in the rest of the world
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If I were your son I would be livid if I knew you were using a publicly identifiable profile on a public website to discuss my personal struggles. It would add a whole other reason to not trust your judgement.0
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booksandchocolate12 wrote: »His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
He isn't underage here.1 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
He isn't underage here.
Oh. So your suggestion is that the OP move to where you live?0 -
Op- it sounds like a really stressful situation.
I agree that some counseling is a great idea. Unfortunately there isn't going to be much we can here that would help. You seem to already know that there's some issues that could lead to serious problems ( not sleeping, under eating, low body weight, nightmares, over exercising) its difficult because he's technically an adult but hopefully you can get him into some counseling soon.0 -
booksandchocolate12 wrote: »His BMI is 19.2 which isn't in the unhealthy "underweight" zone. Throw out the elliptical, provide plenty of higher calorie foods he'll want to eat. Nuts, for example. Or beer.
I'm not qualified to say if her son has an eating disorder or not. But his behavior raises some red flags that point in that direction. Hopefully the OP can get him to a professional who can make that diagnosis. If he does have an eating disorder, offering higher calorie foods isn't going to help. But I suppose promoting underage drinking is a viable solution.
Does it though? He has moved from obese to slim. Which many could say is actually an accomplishment, not something to feel bad about. He was in his teens, obese and with a family history of diabetes. His assumption that he needed to make drastic changes or his life would be at risk was a very valid one. Could it become an obsession? Absolutely. But who are we to tell? This is a discussion between him and his dr. Which it looks like he already had this talk. With his father present.
Just because he's at a healthy weight doesn't mean he isn't showing signs of disordered thinking. And a mother knows her child. If she feels something isn't right, it bears looking into. Maybe she's right, maybe she's reading too much into it. But her concerns shouldn't be dismissed, especially by strangers on a message board. I would think that she knows her son better than we do, no? The fact that she herself is obese doesn't mean she can't recognize the symptoms of something amiss.0 -
Yikes. I don't know. Can you... sell your elliptical? I know he might just go and do something else... But what happens if he continues to lose weight.
Maybe you could see if you could get him interested in heavy weight lifting - and BULKING!0 -
I agree with @newmeadow
Rule out anything that may contribute to that 'strung out' look and may be happening right under your nose...
I understand he's an adult at 19 but if he lives in your home he is still financially a dependent. That means house rules are set by the people paying the bills. House rules should include mental health oversight. Here you can't be a hypocrite. You need to get your own act together regarding your weight. Fussing about him could be an easy out for you. Tell him you two are going to go to the mat with your own personal demons together. Lead by example. You both need help probably. There are lots of wonderful community based support groups that charge sliding scale fees. If you have healthcare start there.
I wish you both the best.0 -
Let me be clear: you can ask him to participate in a wellness program as a part of living at home just like you might ask him to hold a job or attend classes, but you in no way should be monitoring his every bite of food or even attending doctors appointments with him. It sounds to me like you should spend more time on your own health at that level of detail.1
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As a mother of a mentally ill son, I can assure you that you are actions you can take even if he is an adult. If his behavior is life-threatening, he can be assessed on a temporary mental health order. There were times with my son that it got very close to life and death. Most states will allow for such an assessment either voluntarily or by signature by two doctors. It doesn't sound like any red flags went up with your family doctor however. I like the idea of calling the eating disorders hotline listed above.
From what I understand, focusing on the food is not the point. It's addressing the fears and compulsions that are driving him. I agree you may not be the person to help him realize that.
In the meantime, leave out bowls of nuts, cheese, and other nutritious high calorie foods.
Protein is good for diabetics, so you could set them out for "dad". Your son may then see these foods as "safe".0 -
I also agree with counseling. He isn't technically into an underweight BMI yet, but the activity sounds like it could be considered exercise anorexia.
Interesting that your son seems to be staying awake at night treadmilling to avoid diabetes.
Ask him if he'll listen to experts even if he won't listen to you because http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26943711 suggests he's making his risk of diabetes worse by lacking sleep. Yes, it is partially playing into his fears, but it is a small start.0 -
I also agree with counseling. He isn't technically into an underweight BMI yet, but the activity sounds like it could be considered exercise anorexia.
Interesting that your son seems to be staying awake at night treadmilling to avoid diabetes.
Ask him if he'll listen to experts even if he won't listen to you because http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26943711 suggests he's making his risk of diabetes worse by lacking sleep. Yes, it is partially playing into his fears, but it is a small start.
Or it could be the first time in his life he is old enough to understand that his parents lifestyle has been so far extremely unhealthy, that they have let him put his own health at significant risk (unless the OP was also panicking when he was obese just a while ago) and he got desperate to change things. He would not be the first teenager you gets all enthusiastic about lifestyle changes and obsessed with new activities. Now, whether it is just normal for his age, or unhealthy, wouldn't the dr be the most qualified person to raise the alarm?
I know some posters have said that a mother should be the most suitable person to judge, but a mother with her own issues is not going to be objective about the child when it comes to these same issues. For all we know it is OPs anxiety and OCD making a huge issue out of a healthy lifestyle change, or the child has a serious problem, it could be either. Which is why a dr is needed. And a discussion between OP and a therapist, without her son.1 -
Poor kid. Poor you! I think that the less you say to him directly, the better.
Something is going on with his mental health and he needs a full evaluation by a professional.0 -
I also agree with counseling. He isn't technically into an underweight BMI yet, but the activity sounds like it could be considered exercise anorexia.
Interesting that your son seems to be staying awake at night treadmilling to avoid diabetes.
Ask him if he'll listen to experts even if he won't listen to you because http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26943711 suggests he's making his risk of diabetes worse by lacking sleep. Yes, it is partially playing into his fears, but it is a small start.
Or it could be the first time in his life he is old enough to understand that his parents lifestyle has been so far extremely unhealthy, that they have let him put his own health at significant risk (unless the OP was also panicking when he was obese just a while ago) and he got desperate to change things. He would not be the first teenager you gets all enthusiastic about lifestyle changes and obsessed with new activities. Now, whether it is just normal for his age, or unhealthy, wouldn't the dr be the most qualified person to raise the alarm?
I know some posters have said that a mother should be the most suitable person to judge, but a mother with her own issues is not going to be objective about the child when it comes to these same issues. For all we know it is OPs anxiety and OCD making a huge issue out of a healthy lifestyle change, or the child has a serious problem, it could be either. Which is why a dr is needed. And a discussion between OP and a therapist, without her son.
I get your point, but I think going from one extreme to possibly the other (OP's son is approaching underweight and doesn't sound from her like he's thinking of stopping any time soon) could be indicative of something else. It could also be the OP being biased as you've suggested.
I don't know that there's any harm in him seeing a professional as well, though.0
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