Problems with husband
angie1679
Posts: 2 Member
First of all, this not my normal account, I would not want friends or my husband himself finding this thread.
Both my husband and me are in our 40s. I do not have a weight problem and never did, I am here for other reasons (tracking macros because of dietary medical restriction). I also am physically active.
My husband, during our marriage has become more and more sedentary (couch potato is at this point an accurate description) and also has gained a lot of weight.
He regularly whines about. He does nothing to lose it.
At first, I tried reassuring him it is ok, he still looks good, then over the years tried encouraging him to be more active. He never has time. Then I tried raising concerns about his health. He is convinced his weight will not matter, because he is eating healthy things (yes, but a lot of them). I have asked if the dr agrees with him that obesity is not a concern, the answer was something like "drs know nothing".
He still whines about weight. And changes nothing.
My husband is in general a good man. However, I have to admit, he no longer is even remotely attractive to me. At first, I blamed my lack of interest in sex to my hormonal changes, to low libido, to me being tired. I mean, honestly tried to persuade myself about these things, have talked to drs etc, not used these as excuses to him.
After therapy and years of things getting worse, I have to be honest at least to myself: I hate the fact his belly looks worse than mine did at 9 months pregnant, I find it awkward during sex, I hate he longer has any stamina, and I find his contant whining and lack of energy very unattractive.
I would never cheat, there is no one else and I do not intend to look for anyone. I would be ok with a sexless marriage at this point, if he changes nothing. But, he is not ok with this. He is pushing me for intimacy regularly. I have tried explaining that I am less and less in the mood. I have to force myself to go through the motions, and this is something that is very hard for me. He is convinced there is something medically wrong with me. I have told him this has been ruled out. He has asked if it would help if he lost weight at some point. I told him that I believe so, that it would help our relationship. This was one year ago approximately. Nothing has changed.
As I said, I care about him. I would be ok to get old with him and just forget about intimacy, even though it is something I do miss in general. But, I am not ok with years of pretending I am attracted to him. I feel dirty when I try to fake it, and this is happening a lot. And I feel hurt that he has asked, I have answered and he has ignored the answer and keeps pushing to magically fix the issue alone.
What do you do in a situation like this?
Both my husband and me are in our 40s. I do not have a weight problem and never did, I am here for other reasons (tracking macros because of dietary medical restriction). I also am physically active.
My husband, during our marriage has become more and more sedentary (couch potato is at this point an accurate description) and also has gained a lot of weight.
He regularly whines about. He does nothing to lose it.
At first, I tried reassuring him it is ok, he still looks good, then over the years tried encouraging him to be more active. He never has time. Then I tried raising concerns about his health. He is convinced his weight will not matter, because he is eating healthy things (yes, but a lot of them). I have asked if the dr agrees with him that obesity is not a concern, the answer was something like "drs know nothing".
He still whines about weight. And changes nothing.
My husband is in general a good man. However, I have to admit, he no longer is even remotely attractive to me. At first, I blamed my lack of interest in sex to my hormonal changes, to low libido, to me being tired. I mean, honestly tried to persuade myself about these things, have talked to drs etc, not used these as excuses to him.
After therapy and years of things getting worse, I have to be honest at least to myself: I hate the fact his belly looks worse than mine did at 9 months pregnant, I find it awkward during sex, I hate he longer has any stamina, and I find his contant whining and lack of energy very unattractive.
I would never cheat, there is no one else and I do not intend to look for anyone. I would be ok with a sexless marriage at this point, if he changes nothing. But, he is not ok with this. He is pushing me for intimacy regularly. I have tried explaining that I am less and less in the mood. I have to force myself to go through the motions, and this is something that is very hard for me. He is convinced there is something medically wrong with me. I have told him this has been ruled out. He has asked if it would help if he lost weight at some point. I told him that I believe so, that it would help our relationship. This was one year ago approximately. Nothing has changed.
As I said, I care about him. I would be ok to get old with him and just forget about intimacy, even though it is something I do miss in general. But, I am not ok with years of pretending I am attracted to him. I feel dirty when I try to fake it, and this is happening a lot. And I feel hurt that he has asked, I have answered and he has ignored the answer and keeps pushing to magically fix the issue alone.
What do you do in a situation like this?
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Replies
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I would seek some sort of counseling. Hugs.0
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You're not attracted to fat men? Shocker!
Just be honest with him and tell him this is a BIG issue for you.0 -
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I would try counseling too. It sounds like you've already had at least one conversation in which you discussed the issue. Another similar conversation may be helpful but counseling could help as well. I'm sorry you're going through this but I think it is good that you want to try to fix things.0
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I'm sorry. It sounds like you're told him and he isn't listening. Ask him to go to counseling, but he may not go. He's deep in denial. I think you've done your part. You can't make him do anything, but you shouldn't have to keep suffering for it. You've been honest, continue being honest. This is the way it is, and keep telling him that. He'll get it or he won't, but he has made a choice and these are the consequences of his choice.0
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I'm wondering if maybe you can try a different approach and see if you can get him interested in SOME sort of activity you can do together - whether it's low-key bike riding, kayaking, walking around the neighborhood together at a leisurely pace. It doesn't have to be intense.
Tell him you wish to spend more time doing something together - something like the activity I mentioned above. One of my goals a few years ago was to get a kayak then I got one for my husband. We don't go out often enough, but when we do it is so pleasurable. We also occasionally go bike riding together - that was another thing I wanted to do. He had his bike in the basement and hardly ever took it out but when I got mine, and started riding it, he decided he would too.
Now, to be honest and fair, my husband is not sedentary by any stretch of the word - he works long hours doing carpentry work and works out at the gym on his own - but we never did anything together (as I was the sedentary one.) He never suggested we do things together (I personally think he probably finds my slower pace somewhat irksome, lol...) but any time I say "Let's go for a ride" or "Let's take the kayak out" he's usually ready.
Kayaking can be very low key and I think of it as a gateway exercise. I was attracted to it because it looked like something fun I could do without putting forth much effort. And it ended up being so enjoyable that I decided I wanted to do the bike thing.
Maybe approaching it was a way of spending some quality time together, instead of "getting fit...", and keeping it about the time together and NOT about "burning calories" - will be appealing to him?0 -
Thorbjornn wrote: »
The OP is not "a lot of people". Clearly it matters to her. A lot of people like Kanye too. That doesn't matter if that's all you hear at home and you're sick of overlooking the music.0 -
He's in his 40's. I'm in my 50's. Tell him about me. My Week 1 with MFP incorporated no changes. I only wanted to log all my food faithfully and record my weight daily. Each day as I put my food into the diary, I thought about what I was doing to myself with this. I started wanting less to eat. I started using my treadmill, walking at 4.0 mph. For me that's midway between a jog and a walk, and is affected by my height, which is under 6'. As my continued use of MFP has progressed I've learned more about the nutrition I'm eating, my appetite has diminished, I've reduced salt, increased protein, increased vegetables, reduced white rice and bread. At 46 days I've lost 22 lb. That's almost half a pound a day. Look, my wife (and this is my account and my real life friends can see this and I don't mind) is so physically decrepit with arthritis that she does not want sex and it has nothing to do with my obesity. I'm not doing this for sex. I'm doing it for life. My attitude toward Drs is respectful, and I have a good relationship with a good GP. A recent blood panel showed a troubling change in my numbers, and those numbers had been stable and good for decades. That issue is what put me into gear with taking weight loss seriously. The heart arythmia 4 years ago with an out-of-control heart rate didn't. The colonoscopy 3 years ago which found pre-cancerous polyps didn't.
Funny thing: After my week 1, I told an obese 30-ish co-worker about it and he immediately joined MFP along with his wife and he's lost over 10 lb already. This is so damned easy there is no excuse.0 -
People are attracted to what they are attracted to. It's neither a right or wrong issue. Personally, I am not sexually attracted to obese men either.
Tell him. Might it cause some tension? Almost assuredly. But it's already there, just in a different form as evidenced by this post. Shifting that tension might do some good and it might not. You'll never know unless you try.
Or never tell him and resign yourself to being intimate with a man you do not find sexually stimulating at all.0 -
Thorbjornn wrote: »
The OP is not "a lot of people". Clearly it matters to her. A lot of people like Kanye too. That doesn't matter if that's all you hear at home and you're sick of overlooking the music.
Have a Snickers Bar. I was responding to you with an observation.0 -
^^^wizzybeth is right, if you can find some activity that he might be interested in, just to get him started on the path to a more healthy lifestyle and losing weight. You also, in my opinion, need to be brutally honest with him. It may be some time for tough love here. Also counseling, if he will. He does seem to be in denial, which is REALLY tough to overcome, because you can't do it for him, he has to do it himself. Good luck, girl.....
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Thorbjornn wrote: »Thorbjornn wrote: »
The OP is not "a lot of people". Clearly it matters to her. A lot of people like Kanye too. That doesn't matter if that's all you hear at home and you're sick of overlooking the music.
Have a Snickers Bar. I was responding to you with an observation.
Will it make me fat?Not if I stay within my calorie goals.0 -
Whelp, as a guy, I would appreciate it if my woman sat me down and just straight told me that she didn't find me attractive for X, Y or Z reason and that if we worked together on it, we could get back to where we used to be. Apparently, there is something going on in his heart, mind or body that he hasn't made clear to you either, especially if he was a pretty active guy to begin with. Some people, just get bored with life, get comfortable with things or just have other things going on that drops their motivation, it happens. You can suggest counseling but I'm not sure if he'd go if he's already talking about how doctors don't know anything. Don't demand that he do anything as that's one sure way to get a quick, GFY. Be reassuring, understanding and try to get him to see how you feel. Let him know how it makes you feel, reassure him that you love him dearly (if that's the case) and want to continue on your life journey together but you would like some things to change. In the end, you have to be prepared to make some hard choices if he doesn't get the message. Good luck.0
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Whelp, as a guy, I would appreciate it if my woman sat me down and just straight told me that she didn't find me attractive for X, Y or Z reason and that if we worked together on it, we could get back to where we used to be. Apparently, there is something going on in his heart, mind or body that he hasn't made clear to you either, especially if he was a pretty active guy to begin with. Some people, just get bored with life, get comfortable with things or just have other things going on that drops their motivation, it happens. You can suggest counseling but I'm not sure if he'd go if he's already talking about how doctors don't know anything. Don't demand that he do anything as that's one sure way to get a quick, GFY. Be reassuring, understanding and try to get him to see how you feel. Let him know how it makes you feel, reassure him that you love him dearly (if that's the case) and want to continue on your life journey together but you would like some things to change. In the end, you have to be prepared to make some hard choices if he doesn't get the message. Good luck.
This ^^^0 -
I have told my wife many times I wish she had said something way earlier. She never did, I ended up doing this for me and so glad I did.
I think you have a right to sit him down and explain it to him. You could be doing him a big favor.
Not saying you, but some people say "I love you no matter what you look like" although this can be true, no one should love letting a person become more and more unhealthy. I think its "Tough Love" and in my opinion needed for a loved one.0 -
My best guess is this is all stuff you need to tell him, especially the part about not feeling attracted to him anymore seeing as the lack of sex thing is an issue to him. Maybe that will be the thing that pushes him into making changes. It's not as if you'd be forcing him to change, you've said you can adjust. But you'd be putting your feelings to him and letting him decide how he responds. But I have little idea as to what relationships are like so take what I say very cautiously.0
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What you wrote here is what you should say to your husband.
Honestly, I think you should leave him.0 -
I think that you need to revisit your conversation with him. As women, we are so intuitive about things that a lot of the times we think we've said something crystal clear and we haven't. To another woman it might be, but to a man they need a more direct approach. He might not understand that yes, his weight is 100% the reason you aren't willing to have sex. He might have even thought it was just an excuse -- sitcoms train people to think that after time the woman is SUPPOSED to not want to have sex anymore after marriage/a certain age, and the reason is never mentioned. TV treats it like a natural thing.
I think you should definitely have a "come to Jesus" meeting where you lay it out as plain -- and as kindly -- as you possibly can. The fact that you love him enough to stay in a sexless marriage shows me that you care for him deeply. It sounds as if you have been focused on this flaw of his to the point where it's all you see. Before you tell him, I would think about all of the reasons why you love him. Make a list if you have to. I think it will help cut through the resentment you feel and make you approach the subject with a lot more gentleness.
Whatever you do, please consider counselling at some point. Many of us (I am a prime example) are not the best at communicating our negative emotions in a way that is not hurtful, even when we have good intentions. Having a counselor there can serve as a guide and a referee.0 -
This is a really tough situation. I think, unless you have personally been in the situation it would be hard to give any advice. I don't have any recommendations except to state the obvious. You can't change him. You can only change yourself.0
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Weight loss is one of those things that people don't do until they're ready. I've tried and failed to lose weight for someone else. I just ended up hating the other person for making me feel like I needed to lose weight. It took me committing to myself and wanting to get in shape for ME before anything actually stuck.
I don't think it's sustainable to lose weight for another person. Your husband has to make a decision to do it for himself. Telling him that it's important to you may help the process, but he needs to make the decision for himself, or he'll end up resenting you.
I would seek couples counseling. Maybe a counselor can help you talk through these issues with him without him feeling like you're attacking him. You could always do a session on your own first, and tell the counselor all the things you told us. Then ask them how to bring it up with your husband, or if they could bring it up in session.0 -
Time for what they call a "Coming to Jesus!" meeting. You're going to have to bite the bullet and be very real with him. Tell him what you just told us in a way that you can handle it (and he can 'mostly' handle it - because he may not like what you have to say). Instead of coming to the table with "You need to...." come to the table with "I feel this about this and I would like to do this and I would feel better if we could work together to improve our fitness, etc." Be willing to help him, sometimes the thought of change and weight loss is so extremely overwhelming that people give up before they try. Join a gym? Walk...etc. You love him or you wouldn't care...make him know that. Good luck!
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Tough love sometimes is the best love. When you love someone you want the very best for them in whatever the task may be. I'm sure you don't want to see his health decline and that is the most important thing that he takes effort to help himself and become more healthy. I understand that hurting feelings is never the intention when we love someone but sometimes it is the only motivator that will help some people. I also think that interacting together with activities such as walking, riding bikes, bowling, tennis, even going to the gym together to motivate each other is a way to show you care about him and both of your wellbeings.0
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Whelp, as a guy, I would appreciate it if my woman sat me down and just straight told me that she didn't find me attractive for X, Y or Z reason and that if we worked together on it, we could get back to where we used to be. Apparently, there is something going on in his heart, mind or body that he hasn't made clear to you either, especially if he was a pretty active guy to begin with. Some people, just get bored with life, get comfortable with things or just have other things going on that drops their motivation, it happens. You can suggest counseling but I'm not sure if he'd go if he's already talking about how doctors don't know anything. Don't demand that he do anything as that's one sure way to get a quick, GFY. Be reassuring, understanding and try to get him to see how you feel. Let him know how it makes you feel, reassure him that you love him dearly (if that's the case) and want to continue on your life journey together but you would like some things to change. In the end, you have to be prepared to make some hard choices if he doesn't get the message. Good luck.
WELL SAID!!0 -
You fell in love with a guy, married him, he got fat, and now you are completely turned off at the idea of sex with him. Nothing in this post suggests to me that you are still in love with him. You may care about him as a person and have loving feelings for him, but not the kind of feelings most of us would like to have for our partner. Only he can make the decision to lose weight - you can't do it for him and giving him an ultimatum is a bad idea. If there are no sexual or romantic feelings left in your relationship, why stay in it? This is clearly a problem for you or else you wouldn't have posted this. If you think it's worth seeking counseling, give that a shot. If not, I'd consider parting ways before it gets even sadder. If it comes down to him changing the way he looks or you walk away, I suggest you walk away.
You don't have to take this advice, but I really hope you don't say to him, "I'm not attracted to you" or "I don't want to have sex with you," because even if that's true, the only thing it's going to do is hurt him. Imagine if he said that to you. There are ways of expressing your concerns directly without ripping his heart out. Honesty is great, but keep it constructive.0 -
First of all, this not my normal account, I would not want friends or my husband himself finding this thread.
Both my husband and me are in our 40s. I do not have a weight problem and never did, I am here for other reasons (tracking macros because of dietary medical restriction). I also am physically active.
My husband, during our marriage has become more and more sedentary (couch potato is at this point an accurate description) and also has gained a lot of weight.
He regularly whines about. He does nothing to lose it.
At first, I tried reassuring him it is ok, he still looks good, then over the years tried encouraging him to be more active. He never has time. Then I tried raising concerns about his health. He is convinced his weight will not matter, because he is eating healthy things (yes, but a lot of them). I have asked if the dr agrees with him that obesity is not a concern, the answer was something like "drs know nothing".
He still whines about weight. And changes nothing.
My husband is in general a good man. However, I have to admit, he no longer is even remotely attractive to me. At first, I blamed my lack of interest in sex to my hormonal changes, to low libido, to me being tired. I mean, honestly tried to persuade myself about these things, have talked to drs etc, not used these as excuses to him.
After therapy and years of things getting worse, I have to be honest at least to myself: I hate the fact his belly looks worse than mine did at 9 months pregnant, I find it awkward during sex, I hate he longer has any stamina, and I find his contant whining and lack of energy very unattractive.
I would never cheat, there is no one else and I do not intend to look for anyone. I would be ok with a sexless marriage at this point, if he changes nothing. But, he is not ok with this. He is pushing me for intimacy regularly. I have tried explaining that I am less and less in the mood. I have to force myself to go through the motions, and this is something that is very hard for me. He is convinced there is something medically wrong with me. I have told him this has been ruled out. He has asked if it would help if he lost weight at some point. I told him that I believe so, that it would help our relationship. This was one year ago approximately. Nothing has changed.
As I said, I care about him. I would be ok to get old with him and just forget about intimacy, even though it is something I do miss in general. But, I am not ok with years of pretending I am attracted to him. I feel dirty when I try to fake it, and this is happening a lot. And I feel hurt that he has asked, I have answered and he has ignored the answer and keeps pushing to magically fix the issue alone.
What do you do in a situation like this?
first lets start off with your being all secretive and not wanting him to know youre posting this. Shady as *kitten*. Not cool IMO. but thats just me. Carry on.
Secondly, you cant force him to change. Sad but true. If you have done all you can to help him or try to get him to be more active then thats all you can do. I get it sucks that this man is probably the love of your life (but then again youre calling him out on a forum, that you made a separate account to post so he wouldnt see so I personally have my doubts about that one) and you want it to work but you just cant force it. If he's fat and happy then so be it, he doesnt want to change. He wont. So either move on with your life or seek professional help TOGETHER not secretly and not the advice of randoms on the internet.0 -
Hugs for you, never an easy situation to be in. However, you should never let things get too far before saying or doing something about it. Unless we complain we are pretty much saying / reinforcing in them that it's ok when it isn't and by leaving it so long before really doing something about it, it will come as more of a shock than if you had started the conversation 20 lbs ago.
It's never easy though, i was told I was a fatty B****** and it gave me a good wake up call, firstly it made me realise I had let things slip, made me get my stuff together and also made me realise she wasn't the one for me.
Have the conversation , don't let it fester , gently at first and then more firmly if things don't start happening, just don't leave it so long next time. It only gets harder to deal with and rectify
another hug and good luck0 -
You can accept the situation.
You can TALK to him and explain your position. Again and again. He'll either change or not.
You can wait until this hits the fan and you both split.
If you talk, it might accelerate the break up and perhaps that is what you are worried about. It might really help clear things up.
It's going to suck if you let it drag on to the point of no return because you are both building resentment.
Why did you stop therapy? This seems like an unresolved major issue.0 -
What you wrote here is what you should say to your husband.
Honestly, I think you should leave him.
What???? Why would she leave him? That's why the divorce rates are so high. There's nothing in anything the OP said that sounds detrimental to the marriage where it should be over. Marriage is for better or for worse. When you get to those "worse" stages, figuring out what needs to be done to make it better again is what a union is about.
@angie1679 it's time to have a real talk with your husband. Let him know that you love him and that you have no intentions on leaving but you want to live a long and healthy life with him and it's important to you that he wants the same and makes a better effort....However, he has to want it for himself and you should also prepare yourself for what happens if he doesn't.
All the best0
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