Problems with husband
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JeromeBarry1 wrote: »He's in his 40's. I'm in my 50's. Tell him about me. My Week 1 with MFP incorporated no changes. I only wanted to log all my food faithfully and record my weight daily. Each day as I put my food into the diary, I thought about what I was doing to myself with this. I started wanting less to eat. I started using my treadmill, walking at 4.0 mph. For me that's midway between a jog and a walk, and is affected by my height, which is under 6'. As my continued use of MFP has progressed I've learned more about the nutrition I'm eating, my appetite has diminished, I've reduced salt, increased protein, increased vegetables, reduced white rice and bread. At 46 days I've lost 22 lb. That's almost half a pound a day. Look, my wife (and this is my account and my real life friends can see this and I don't mind) is so physically decrepit with arthritis that she does not want sex and it has nothing to do with my obesity. I'm not doing this for sex. I'm doing it for life. My attitude toward Drs is respectful, and I have a good relationship with a good GP. A recent blood panel showed a troubling change in my numbers, and those numbers had been stable and good for decades. That issue is what put me into gear with taking weight loss seriously. The heart arythmia 4 years ago with an out-of-control heart rate didn't. The colonoscopy 3 years ago which found pre-cancerous polyps didn't.
Funny thing: After my week 1, I told an obese 30-ish co-worker about it and he immediately joined MFP along with his wife and he's lost over 10 lb already. This is so damned easy there is no excuse.
Yeah honestly, I've had more consistency in my diet through tracking for 26 days than I have had in a decade at least. All I did was sign up to track my food. But seeing what I was eating stack up, just having to be aware of it EVERY meal, that did a lot for me. More than eating disorder therapy, more than exercise, more than beating myself up for my weight, more than tracking on paper. MFP doesnt just show you what you're already doing. By setting a daily goal, it shows you what you could be doing. That changed everything for me. I am not a motivated person by nature.
Aside from that.. I think you need to risk the honesty. It sounds like you've answered his question when he's asked it, but you aren't being assertive about this issue. Whether you bring it up on your own, or wait until he asks about sex again... I think you should be honest. Tell him that the problem isn't you. That it's important to you to have a healthy partner. Don't focus on what you don't like, tell him what you would like instead. If he has that information then he no longer has an excuse for his own sexual frustration. Everybody needs to work in relationships. This is part of the work he should do. It's easier said than done, but it's like the old adage goes... The definition of crazy is to continue doing the same thing and expect different results. If he wants a good sexual relationship with you then its in his best interest to find out what is attractive to you and to work at it.0 -
I don't know what to say but I can say you're seem very compassionate and reasonable. I truly hope you find the solution.0
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You can not make anyone else change. They have to want it.
Best advice, discuss with your husband about getting counseling.0 -
Married 17 years. My husband is also class 3 morbidly obese and can stand to lose 100+. He also whines about being fat and his inability to do things because of said weight. He does nothing about it. He can just about last 3 minutes of sex before needing to get off because he's exhausted. Strangely, I'm one of those people who doesn't have a mate's physical appearance be the top priority in my relationship(s). My husband knows how I feel about his weight and how it's affecting his health and our intimacy. Your point?What you wrote here is what you should say to your husband.
Honestly, I think you should leave him.
What???? Why would she leave him? That's why the divorce rates are so high. There's nothing in anything the OP said that sounds detrimental to the marriage where it should be over. Marriage is for better or for worse. When you get to those "worse" stages, figuring out what needs to be done to make it better again is what a union is about.
She doesn't mind being in a friendship marriage. From her post, her husband doesn't want that. OP created a new, anonymous account so her friends, family, and husband won't know it's her, in order to vent about her husband. Seems to me if she really gave a $h!t about the "in sickness and in health" and "for better and for worse" vows, she's be talking it out with him rather than nameless strangers online.
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You'd rather be pushed into having sex with someone you are no longer attracted to for the rest of your life (say 30 years), than tell your husband his fatness is a sexual turn-off and that's why you always fake it?I don't want to be "cruel". I do not want to stand up to him and tell him his belly is ruining our marriage. It is a hurtful thing to hear. But then I also have to wonder, years of sexual frustration, are they better than just having this one cruel talk? I do not know, it is something that has been tormenting me for a few years. And what if he listens and still nothing changes? Or gets so hurt things become worse?
It's great that you're considerate, but damn girl, rip that freakin' bandage off and get the pain over with.
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Sounds like he is not ready to change. There isn't much you can do about that.
The pragmatic part of me hopes you have good life insurance. Sorry if that is morbid. My morbidly obese relatives have been dropping like flies lately.
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Honestly, you need to tell him point blank how you feel. Not only are you not sexually attracted to him, you're sick of his incessant whining and quite frankly, he's killing himself by being so sedentary. The choice is his, get healthy and be supportive or die alone. Nobody wants a loveless marriage.0
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Married 17 years. My husband is also class 3 morbidly obese and can stand to lose 100+. He also whines about being fat and his inability to do things because of said weight. He does nothing about it. He can just about last 3 minutes of sex before needing to get off because he's exhausted. Strangely, I'm one of those people who doesn't have a mate's physical appearance be the top priority in my relationship(s). My husband knows how I feel about his weight and how it's affecting his health and our intimacy. Your point?What you wrote here is what you should say to your husband.
Honestly, I think you should leave him.
What???? Why would she leave him? That's why the divorce rates are so high. There's nothing in anything the OP said that sounds detrimental to the marriage where it should be over. Marriage is for better or for worse. When you get to those "worse" stages, figuring out what needs to be done to make it better again is what a union is about.
She doesn't mind being in a friendship marriage. From her post, her husband doesn't want that. OP created a new, anonymous account so her friends, family, and husband won't know it's her, in order to vent about her husband. Seems to me if she really gave a $h!t about the "in sickness and in health" and "for better and for worse" vows, she's be talking it out with him rather than nameless strangers online.
What's wrong with her approach? How is venting to "nameless strangers online" any different than how Dr. Ruth and Dear Abby was famous for years? People called and wrote in anonymously with issues that they didn't want to involve personal acquaintances with. If she vented out to a friend or family member, you know what happens? They start to look at him differently or her differently. Even if the problem resolves itself and they move on the people around them will always be judgmental. She's looking for advice possibly from ppl who may have been in the same boat or similar circumstances in hopes of finding a way to reach a resolution. If she didn't care about the marriage then why go to these lengths?0 -
Ignore literally every single person in this thread. While they're compassionate and mean well, MFP is for tracking nutrition, and that's not your issue. You need couples' therapy or counseling. If your husband gets to the point where he wants a tool/resource to track his nutrition, then we'll be here to answer his questions.0
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_lyndseybrooke_ wrote: »You fell in love with a guy, married him, he got fat, and now you are completely turned off at the idea of sex with him. Nothing in this post suggests to me that you are still in love with him. You may care about him as a person and have loving feelings for him, but not the kind of feelings most of us would like to have for our partner. Only he can make the decision to lose weight - you can't do it for him and giving him an ultimatum is a bad idea. If there are no sexual or romantic feelings left in your relationship, why stay in it? This is clearly a problem for you or else you wouldn't have posted this. If you think it's worth seeking counseling, give that a shot. If not, I'd consider parting ways before it gets even sadder. If it comes down to him changing the way he looks or you walk away, I suggest you walk away.
You don't have to take this advice, but I really hope you don't say to him, "I'm not attracted to you" or "I don't want to have sex with you," because even if that's true, the only thing it's going to do is hurt him. Imagine if he said that to you. There are ways of expressing your concerns directly without ripping his heart out. Honesty is great, but keep it constructive.
I think you're confusing sexual attraction with love. You can definitely have one without the other. You can love someone dearly but not be physically attracted to them, which I think is the case here because the woman already said that she's willing to give up sex just to be with him. I was in the same situation many years ago with a woman that I still love to this day but my problem wasn't about physical attraction, it was that my emotional needs weren't being met. I decided to part ways so that we could both find our own happiness. That doesn't mean that you don't try and get the person you love to understand your feelings. If the love is reciprocal, then the other person should be understanding and want to do whatever's necessary to make their partner as happy as possible. Additionally, if he's constantly complaining about his weight and appearance, he obviously isn't happy with it either. Like I said in my original post, there's something going on with him that he isn't addressing and counseling would help them both.
I'm not confusing anything. A sexless relationship only works if both partners are happy with that. He's not okay with the no sex thing, and therefore it won't work.
Also, someone saying they're willing to stay with someone if sex was off the table does not mean they are in love that person. Plenty of people stay in relationships just because they're scared of change and are so used to being with that person, or they just don't want to hurt someone they care about. But caring about someone and being in love with them are not the same thing.0 -
Married 17 years. My husband is also class 3 morbidly obese and can stand to lose 100+. He also whines about being fat and his inability to do things because of said weight. He does nothing about it. He can just about last 3 minutes of sex before needing to get off because he's exhausted. Strangely, I'm one of those people who doesn't have a mate's physical appearance be the top priority in my relationship(s). My husband knows how I feel about his weight and how it's affecting his health and our intimacy. Your point?What you wrote here is what you should say to your husband.
Honestly, I think you should leave him.
What???? Why would she leave him? That's why the divorce rates are so high. There's nothing in anything the OP said that sounds detrimental to the marriage where it should be over. Marriage is for better or for worse. When you get to those "worse" stages, figuring out what needs to be done to make it better again is what a union is about.
She doesn't mind being in a friendship marriage. From her post, her husband doesn't want that. OP created a new, anonymous account so her friends, family, and husband won't know it's her, in order to vent about her husband. Seems to me if she really gave a $h!t about the "in sickness and in health" and "for better and for worse" vows, she's be talking it out with him rather than nameless strangers online.
I guess my point is that not everyone has the same feelings as you about intimacy, love and attraction. You don't know these people yet the first piece of advice is for them her to leave him. If you're in a committed relationship, that should be the final step, not the first. For me, if a partner knows how their actions, or lack thereof, affects you emotionally and still refuse to do anything about it when they can and doing so will actually make their lives happier and both of your lives more enjoyable, that is selfish. I choose not to be with someone that is selfish.
As far as your comment on the friendship marriage, why should she be obliged to have sex with him when he's not obliged to look as physically attractive and appealing as possible to her? People talk to random strangers because they just want to vent but don't want to hurt the person their with. It's like going to counseling and being able to speak your mind without having to pay those fees. Should she just keep her feelings to herself and just bottle them all up? It seems like she's already made her husband aware of how she feels.0 -
Married 17 years. My husband is also class 3 morbidly obese and can stand to lose 100+. He also whines about being fat and his inability to do things because of said weight. He does nothing about it. He can just about last 3 minutes of sex before needing to get off because he's exhausted. Strangely, I'm one of those people who doesn't have a mate's physical appearance be the top priority in my relationship(s). My husband knows how I feel about his weight and how it's affecting his health and our intimacy. Your point?What you wrote here is what you should say to your husband.
Honestly, I think you should leave him.
What???? Why would she leave him? That's why the divorce rates are so high. There's nothing in anything the OP said that sounds detrimental to the marriage where it should be over. Marriage is for better or for worse. When you get to those "worse" stages, figuring out what needs to be done to make it better again is what a union is about.
She doesn't mind being in a friendship marriage. From her post, her husband doesn't want that. OP created a new, anonymous account so her friends, family, and husband won't know it's her, in order to vent about her husband. Seems to me if she really gave a $h!t about the "in sickness and in health" and "for better and for worse" vows, she's be talking it out with him rather than nameless strangers online.
To your second point, she's seeking out suggestions of what to try next, not simply venting online with strangers. I think she was pretty clear in her OP about that. A woman who writes:...I would never cheat, there is no one else and I do not intend to look for anyone. I would be ok with a sexless marriage at this point...As I said, I care about him. I would be ok to get old with him and just forget about intimacy, even though it is something I do miss in general.
is not failing to give "a $h!t about the "in sickness and in health" and "for better and for worse" vows."0 -
I think you're my mom.
of course, I know that's not true, my mom hates getting on the computer! But my dad is the same way, though he understands what the Dr tells him and I've watched him eat healthy but big (or continually eat) meals and complain about his weight, and do nothing beyond what he normally does to fix it (he walks, as he can no longer run).
You said you had therapy, and I would either continue with that, or go to marriage counseling on your own to help you. You have tried to hit all your resources, and from what you say you have encouraged him in every way including helping him find resources. No one will get help/get better until they're ready I've found. Sometimes you need an intervention, but that can be extreme. You need to decide what is best for YOU in this instance, and one of those things is not pretending to be attracted to him. If you decide to switch moods like that, I would suggest sitting down, talking to him, and letting him know how you feel. Be sure to tell him that it's the physical side, but the mental side of things there is still caring (if not love).0 -
threads like these always remind me how dumb a large % of people are0
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_lyndseybrooke_ wrote: »_lyndseybrooke_ wrote: »You fell in love with a guy, married him, he got fat, and now you are completely turned off at the idea of sex with him. Nothing in this post suggests to me that you are still in love with him. You may care about him as a person and have loving feelings for him, but not the kind of feelings most of us would like to have for our partner. Only he can make the decision to lose weight - you can't do it for him and giving him an ultimatum is a bad idea. If there are no sexual or romantic feelings left in your relationship, why stay in it? This is clearly a problem for you or else you wouldn't have posted this. If you think it's worth seeking counseling, give that a shot. If not, I'd consider parting ways before it gets even sadder. If it comes down to him changing the way he looks or you walk away, I suggest you walk away.
You don't have to take this advice, but I really hope you don't say to him, "I'm not attracted to you" or "I don't want to have sex with you," because even if that's true, the only thing it's going to do is hurt him. Imagine if he said that to you. There are ways of expressing your concerns directly without ripping his heart out. Honesty is great, but keep it constructive.
I think you're confusing sexual attraction with love. You can definitely have one without the other. You can love someone dearly but not be physically attracted to them, which I think is the case here because the woman already said that she's willing to give up sex just to be with him. I was in the same situation many years ago with a woman that I still love to this day but my problem wasn't about physical attraction, it was that my emotional needs weren't being met. I decided to part ways so that we could both find our own happiness. That doesn't mean that you don't try and get the person you love to understand your feelings. If the love is reciprocal, then the other person should be understanding and want to do whatever's necessary to make their partner as happy as possible. Additionally, if he's constantly complaining about his weight and appearance, he obviously isn't happy with it either. Like I said in my original post, there's something going on with him that he isn't addressing and counseling would help them both.
I'm not confusing anything. A sexless relationship only works if both partners are happy with that. He's not okay with the no sex thing, and therefore it won't work.
Also, someone saying they're willing to stay with someone if sex was off the table does not mean they are in love that person. Plenty of people stay in relationships just because they're scared of change and are so used to being with that person, or they just don't want to hurt someone they care about. But caring about someone and being in love with them are not the same thing.
You are confusing sex with love. Check out the bold portion of your statement. You can still love someone dearly but not want to have sex with them for one reason or another? If your man refused to take a shower for days on end, smelled like a skunk and wanted to get intimate with you, would you be wrong for not being attracted to him at that point because he smelled? No. You would ask him to get a shower and move on. That doesn't mean you love him less because of it.
The second paragraph is true but she clearly said that she loved the man and is willing to be with him regardless of the weight issue and the fact that she doesn't want to have sex with him.0 -
@wilsoncl6 is crushing it in here. excellent advice and understanding. i like your style0
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Rage_Phish wrote: »@wilsoncl6 is crushing it in here. excellent advice and understanding. i like your style
Right?? He gets it!0 -
nomoyoyoing wrote: »Rage_Phish wrote: »@wilsoncl6 is crushing it in here. excellent advice and understanding. i like your style
Right?? He gets it!
Thanks, I just understand her position as I've dealt with something similar before.
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Tell him you love him. Then tell him the truth. No one wants to go through a long period without physical intimacy. You need it physically and emotionally
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To answer as many of the questions as I can:
I love my husband. Without the sexual attraction, is this "normal" love between a husband and a wife or not? I cannot answer this, it is a bit philosophical for me. Two older people who no longer can physically have sex, or a couple where illness takes sex out of the equation, are they still in love as husband and wife or not? Of course contrary to being old or ill, I am upset because this is an issue that can be solved, if he wants to solve it, it is not just something that happened. I am also hopeful for the same reason, that one day he will decide to change.
I don't want to be "cruel". I do not want to stand up to him and tell him his belly is ruining our marriage. It is a hurtful thing to hear. But then I also have to wonder, years of sexual frustration, are they better than just having this one cruel talk? I do not know, it is something that has been tormenting me for a few years. And what if he listens and still nothing changes? Or gets so hurt things become worse?
I have suggested marriage counselling. He does not believe it helps, or that we need it.
When he has mentioned weight loss goals (at least once a month the last years, sometimes more) I have suggested MFP or other similar tools. He says it is a sign of an eating disorder to obsessively count calories.
We have a friend who has lost a lot of weight the last years. I have asked my husband if he would like discussing the matter with him, when he expressed admiration about how he did it. He said that everybody is different and he could never do it.
I have suggested going for a walk after supper. He almost never agrees.
I have been looking for a dog (because I love dogs, and the kids are now old enough to help take care of a pet). We were talking with the kids about how we could set a schedule about who will walk the dog each day, and my husband said to not count on him, it sounds too exhausting.
I have suggested him giving the gym a try with me, or a sport, he laughs and says he never was into sports (true, he used to walk a lot though).
He does not appear to be depressed. He has hobbies. All are very sedentary unfortunately. Like stamp collecting, listening to music, drawing.
I had some pretty serious (though different) problems in my own relationship and I have to say that what it finally came down to was that one "cruel," blunt talk in the end. I had to lay it out because he was in a lot of denial about things and I was fed up.
You may not have reached that final point, but then you may never because you are OK with not having sex. He's the one who isn't. So he may be the one who has to reach that bottom, where he isn't getting the affection he wants and you're just going to have to say why. And he'll have to make a choice. What's important to him? Intimacy in his marriage or a doughnut (or whatever)?
I know it's tough, but when someone is in such deep denial and only that person has the power to make the necessary changes, that's what it comes down to. Tip-toeing around it isn't going to fix it.0
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