Need some motivation.

In June 2009 my dad died and on July 3rd, 2009 I went into a 24 Hour Fitness. I went from 230 lbs at 5'4" to a lowest of 111 lbs (still a healthy/normal BMI) with most of the time being 130-140 lbs. Did a full Ironman, marathons, half marathons, triathlons, hiking, boot camps, Zumba, I did it all.

September 2014 I met my soul mate. Oct 2014 we started dating, Dec 2014 we got engaged, Jan 2015 I moved in, Dec 2015 we got married. I'm now 195 lbs.

He won't work out (with me or without me), is not interested in fitness, won't go to the gym with me, and won't eat healthy. I don't care about all that, I love him for him and he'll always be my soulmate.

But I do want to get back on the wagon. We're now trying to conceive and I'm worried about this weight. I've read about exercising during pregnancy. Main points are to hydrate, maintain cool core temperature, hover HR around 140, don't lie on your back, don't do heavy weights, etc.

I'm also a binge eater. He was my first date, my first boyfriend, I'd never held a guy's hand before I met him (I was 36 when I met him, 37 now), so it's a LOT of changes (I lived home with mom like all nice single Jewish Hispanic girls do).

Going to try to start turning it back around tomorrow. I can't even last an hour slow on the bike anymore, so I'll start walking, 20 minutes on the bike, light weights, and of course healthy eating. I do have a lot of things in my favor in that I KNOW what to eat, I can make eating plans, I know how to build up workouts, I'm comfortable around weights, etc.

So just looking for encouragement

Anyone else lost a lot of weight, gained a lot of back, lost it again?

Before 2001 I had been overweight/obese my whole life. I've only been a normal weight 2009-2014.

I feel so ashamed about the weight gain. I've been to the gym twice since I gained the weight (I used to do a lot of group classes) and I hate going and seeing people I know. I hated the BodyPump where I could barely do anything.

What sucks about trying to conceive is that I can't go on crazy mode with the workouts and it's going to have to be a long-lasting moderate weight loss and I can't have too much deficit or go too low on calories or go too high intensity with the workouts. That's the part I'm most down about. I'd feel better if I could go all out.

I have a bike trainer at home (A Wahoo Kickr, it hooks up your outdoor bike to use inside and has adjustable resistance), a mini-trampoline, a step with four risers and a slanting riser, eventually the treadmill will make it from mom's house to ours but until then I have a good mile route away from cars around home, tons of weights, a weight bar and dumbbell bars and tons of plates. I have a membership to two gyms within 10 minutes from home (both with pools), and a SmartTV with a Roku. I have what I need inside and outside the house.