Hello

Hi Jackie. I'm Katie. It's amazing how life can eat us up and spit us out sometimes. I just searched to forums for the word "anxiety" for god's sakes. I'm so sorry about what's going on. Please be kind to yourself. I had a breakdown a few years ago and got diagnosed with Bipolar. At the time though I was going through A LOT of stuff, stuff that would drive a normal person to the edge of sanity anyways. Bipolar runs in my family, but so do hormone imbalances and there seems to be a link. I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome which can cause difficulty in losing weight, miscarriages, hair growth, hair loss, anxiety, depression, mood swings, and all kinds of other wonderful things. I was screwed from the beginning. Ah well.

I lost about 50 lbs five years ago, but we moved, and moved again, and college, and my husband's job and health and job again and more health issues and I gained 70 lbs. Sometimes it feels like it's an endless wave of sadness. I've been having some success lately though. It's been hard to get motivated. But I've started by just taking a walk when I get really anxious instead of eating ice cream. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I hide in my large closet with a bar of chocolate, but it seems to be helping. I'm also on some new meds for the PCOS and they seem to be helping me be able to lose weight. Things have been rough with my husband too lately, we're okay, but between his 80 hour work week and his severe depression I feel like we never see each other. Coupled with finding out that his *NIGHTMARE* boss just wrote the school a letter saying that he wouldn't give the okay for his contract extension--**** that guy, he works his @ss off for him. But we do talk about things and it seems to help some and when it doesn't I at least feel better for having said something. Can you talk to him? Maybe get a sitter and go on a date?

As far as the meds go, maybe see if they can change them? When I was diagnosed with bipolar the first meds made me hungry all the time and I gained 20lbs in a month. I'm sure part of that was the shame I felt from the way I acted before I admitted myself to the hospital, but the meds made me hungry all the time. Can you look at your life and see what's making you so deeply unhappy? It's clear that you're still depressed. We need to find you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe work in the garden, take a class at the Y, lock yourself in your bedroom with a conscious relaxation podcast--they exist, and sometimes they help. You've got to find a way to have time to yourself to remember who you are and find a calm space inside. Are you a SAHM? Not that being a SAHM isn't fulfilling, but when I was out of work (I'm not a mom mind you, but there could be parallels) I felt horribly guilty for not working, I felt I had to clean and make the house nice even though I don't care for housework terrible and was lonely and bored all the time. It can be terribly isolating and my poor husband would get home and I would want to talk when all he wanted was to relax a little after working hard all day. So now I take college classes (I couldn't find work where we are now and I get a tuition waiver because of his job, thank god). It's been a god send. Maybe there's a meetup group where you could spend a little time with other people doing something fun.

With regard to the food, if you find yourself not eating or hungry try tracking everything. You'll notice a pattern at some point. Maybe you don't eat enough fiber or protein to keep yourself satiated, or the late night eating leads you to feel too full to eat in the morning. If you eat a lot of carbs before bedtime and you have any form of insulin resistance it can make you overwhelmingly tired, which together with the depression will make it very hard to get up in the morning. Maybe try setting alarms to make you eat even if you're not hungry--even just a small snack could keep you from snacking late into the evening and waking up not hungry. Try drinking more water throughout the day, sometimes our brains can misinterpret the thirst signals as hunger.

For me to stay motivated I started logging everything, even if it was horrible and a guess and went WAY over my calories. Then I made up a walking goal on google maps to give myself somewhere I had to "be" by the end of the year. When I don't feel like walking I tell myself I'll never get to my destination if I don't log my miles. It's been enormously helpful.

Sorry for the exceedingly long message. I'm feeling very, very anxious about his job tonight. Things never seem to go right and if this doesn't work out we move god knows where again and I don't finish my degree. But if we stay I don't know what happens to my husband, he's hanging on by his fingernails here and he never wants to go anywhere anymore. The degree and the walking map seem to be all that keeps me afloat sometimes. All my really close friends are far away and I feel like all I ever do is complain, so I don't always like to call. I try to makeup funny things to say so I laugh instead of cry, but it feels like all I can do to maintain my sense of humor sometimes.

Anyhow, we're all in this together I suppose, so if you ever need to talk or want to be "fitnesspals" feel free to friend me or send me a message.