Stair Climber From Hell

Okay – A little over 2 weeks ago, I began a journey to being healthier. No, I don’t sell weight loss stuff, I don’t endorse any gym equipment… heck, I don’t even LIKE working out.

Jacobs-Stair-2I started going to the gym M-F. The first day, I walked on the treadmill 10 minutes, worked on the elliptical for 10 minutes and looked at that scary machine in the corner – the stair climber. I saw what it did to people. Sometimes it tried to eat people. It turned great big muscular men into sniveling, panting, weaklings. Sure, people would start out running up those things but they soon learned. And I knew – because I watched what it did to people. I ran home trembling in fear.

The next day, I did the same on the treadmill and elliptical but got brave enough to go figure out how to turn on that stair climber. I watched a girl run up those stairs for about 20 minutes and although she was breathing fast, she walked away alive. Seemingly undamaged from this simple machine. So I could do this, right?? Oh, how cocky I had become.

Rocky Balboa stepsI climbed on with the Rocky theme music thundering in my ears. I’m gonna conquer these steps…. I can do it! I had a goal of 1000 steps. That should be easy, right??? The girl I watched run up those stairs did over 3000. I started off slow and kept a steady pace. Well – this isn’t so bad. My knees are holding up okay, my breathing is steadily getting more labored but I’m doing it! I look around at the people in the gym wondering if they can hear the0 Rocky theme playing, too? I wonder why they’re not staring, even applauding in admiration of this great feat of strength and courage I have begun.

I begin to feel a little more winded. A little weaker in the legs. I had already done an entire 10 minutes on the treadmill AND 10 minutes on the elliptical so I’m already plumb exhausted, remember? I began to pant, like those strong men I had seen… but no, no, no…. that wouldn’t happen to me, right? I’m taking it slow and steady… Geesh, I must have gone nearly 1000 steps by now, right?

There’s a little screen that shows how many steps you’ve gone.

I’m on #18.

I’m not kidding.

Suddenly, the Rocky theme stopped. All of those images in my head of me victoriously dancing at the top of this machine for all the gym patrons to applaud my efforts well – kinda died. And I became a sniveling, panting, weakling – just another victim of the stair climber from Hell. I did make it to 100 steps but was sucking wind and thought I was going to vomit right there by the treadmill. Rocky never vomited.

But I went home elated that I even climbed on that stupid thing.

stairsNext day, I went back. There was a guy on the stair climber struggling – big muscular guy…. I’m sure at one point he was strong but that machine was doing it to him – turning him into a sniveling, panting weakling. Why are these people letting this machine do this to them??? Why do they put themselves through the torture?

You won’t believe this. That stupid stair machine called my name. It mocked me. It told me I could never be Rocky. It taunted me so badly that I HAD to get on it and teach it a lesson. I could do 100 steps again… I did it once and survived….that’s right.

Oh, I was, once again, quite cocky. It turned me into a sniveling, panting weakling BUT I made it to 111 first! Oooh, I felt like I had conquered it, at least for the moment.

Each day, I added a few more steps. Then, THEN, I was really going to teach it a lesson! I introduced that stair machine to my husband, Tommy Lanham! He’s the strongest, most determined man I know. Bet you can’t take HIM you silly stair climber!

We climbed on the side-by-side machines and began to climb. Tommy asked me to hum the music to Rocky. I just smiled wondering if he knew that had been going on inside my head. He knows me well. We climbed and pushed and sweated and you know something? That machine turned my husband into a sniveling, panting weakling, too! What in the world!?!

stairs3Tommy began going with me to the gym – yep, TRUE LOVE right there, folks! But I think Tommy heard that machine’s taunting, too. I think that’s how it gets ya – sucks you right in. We are helpless victims.

I’m proud to announce, that 2 weeks later, Tommy and I each climbed 750 steps today! Yeah, it’s not quite my initial goal of 1000 but you know what, it’s a whole lot better than the 100 I did that first day. I am now able to go over 2 miles on the elliptical (in about 30 minutes) and I take a weekly Body Pump class. (FYI: this may be TMI but I’m proud that I can now take the Body Pump class and still sit and get off the toilet without assistance the next day!) I call that progress, folks!

And so far, that stair climber from Hell hasn’t won. Yes, it still taunts me, but I’m still going, baby! And I’m not stopping!

Oh yeah – I weighed in this Tuesday at 206.2. I’ll take that.