"Hahaha You will NEVER fit in that"
NotGoingDown90
Posts: 22 Member
Is what I was told by my father in law as I jokingly told my sister in law that I will wear her dress that I will pick up from dry cleaning on my way home. He kept repeating the same thing while emphasizing the word NEVER. He even made fun of me as I ate dinner and I was sitting on a separate table with my husband because the other table was filled with people. He kept saying look at her hiding in the corner stuffing her face. I lost 6 pounds since starting my weight loss journey. I have 9 pounds left until I reach 130 I don't think I'm huge but apperntly my father in law does. Every girl in the family is at the most weighs 110 and because I'm not that weight they think that I am huge and I'm just annoyed and feel like venting. I was really getting happy because my new size 8 pants are getting lose so my next purchase is going to be size 6 but now I'm just upset and it caused me to emotional eat. Ugh does anyone have people like this in their life?
I also forgot to add but they always made fun of their oldest daughter about her weight and she recently lost a lot of weight and since then they have been bothering me about my weight because in our family there is always that one person they make fat jokes or height jokes about
I also forgot to add but they always made fun of their oldest daughter about her weight and she recently lost a lot of weight and since then they have been bothering me about my weight because in our family there is always that one person they make fat jokes or height jokes about
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Replies
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You can't choose how you feel about negativity like that, but you can choose how you react to it. You can let it break you down or you can use it as fuel to prove people wrong. I personally love when people tell me I can't do something. It's all about how you use it.0
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Some people are just plain rude... I know it's hard but just try to ignore him. You don't need such negativity in your life. You are doing well and just keep on going. His opinion means nothing. I would personally call him out on being out of place and reconsider next dinner invitation. If you are not treated with respect you deserve then you shouldn't be around those people and go through emotional abuse.0
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Is your father in law overweight?
Usually when people react like that they are jealous because they themselves got short comings and don't got the motivation to start something, so I would actually think he is more jealous of you actually.
And try to use it as a positive push, like (Oh okay, you think never? Let me show you).
I had the same problem practically but not with father in law but from family.0 -
If I had people like that in my life, they wouldn't be anymore. That's awful! I'm sorry you have to deal with that. If you aren't comfortable saying something, ask your spouse. What he is saying is hurtful and makes you feel bad, it's not only rude but poor taste. If he's not apologetic, hopefully you can at least come to an agreement that your spouse will support you with... Don't let people like that get you down and if it comes down to it, use that as motivation to prove them wrong. Good luck
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Your husband should take his rude father to one side and tell him to stop
Obviously your not fat & don't let them make you think differently this mans a bully0 -
NotGoingDown90 wrote: »Is what I was told by my father in law as I jokingly told my sister in law that I will wear her dress that I will pick up from dry cleaning on my way home. He kept repeating the same thing while emphasizing the word NEVER. He even made fun of me as I ate dinner and I was sitting on a separate table with my husband because the other table was filled with people. He kept saying look at her hiding in the corner stuffing her face. I lost 6 pounds since starting my weight loss journey. I have 9 pounds left until I reach 130 I don't think I'm huge but apperntly my father in law does. Every girl in the family is at the most weighs 110 and because I'm not that weight they think that I am huge and I'm just annoyed and feel like venting. I was really getting happy because my new size 8 pants are getting lose so my next purchase is going to be size 6 but now I'm just upset and it caused me to emotional eat. Ugh does anyone have people like this in their life?
I also forgot to add but they always made fun of their oldest daughter about her weight and she recently lost a lot of weight and since then they have been bothering me about my weight because in our family there is always that one person they make fat jokes or height jokes about
Your weight is not the problem here. Tolerating this behaviour is. I cannot imagine any adult behaving the way your father in law did, not even if you were 800 lbs, I cannot imagine myself sitting through this and not just telling him this was the last time we have contact until he grows up, and most important, I cannot imagine my husband just sitting there while this kind of verbal abuse was going on.
You have family problems and probably marriage problems. Solve the real issues, not the imaginary weight problem, or you will never feel happy.0 -
Seems like a sad, insecure little man. I'd have (verbally) punched him in the groin if I were you.0
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Reply: "I'd rather be carrying a few extra pounds than have to live with the knowledge that I was a complete utter *kitten* like you."0
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Not a nice man. If you are not confident enough, tell your husband and ask him to step up for you and if he doesn't/won't it might be time to be brave and pull your father in law aside and tell him that you will not accept the way he is treating you. Your weight is your concern and next time if he sees you eating and gets rude, ask him if he wants some..in his face! bullies never like it when they get something back!0
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Some families have set up dyanmics that don't really work in the real world. You FIL probably thinks that's ok because it's a norm within that family. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I recommend that either you or your hubs try to let him know how that his behavior really is out of line, and how it makes you feel. Unless he's just an unfeeling jerk (which ok, is entirely possible), chances are he just doesn't realize how bad his behavior really is.0
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If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.
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snowflake954 wrote: »If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.
Great advice! And I can relate, I have 3 brothers and a very dominate FIL, this technique works!0 -
You have a terrible husband that either is too spineless to stand up to his father or isn't a good person himself, but it's not surprising considering what his father is like. Sounds like the whole family isn't worth much if everyone sat there and said nothing. You should get out now. This won't be your only story.
And as an aside, being miserable is terrible for your health.0 -
That's seriously messed up. He's clearly on some massive power trip.
Tell him directly that you don't appreciate his comments and to please stop them. If he refuses then try to reduce as much contact with him as feasibly possible. Tell your husband that you expect his support on this.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.
I am a little bit confused here. What does "dominate" mean in this context? I am guessing you did not raise your son to insult people in such a rude manner? OP is not talking about some stupid thoughtless comment, she is talking about continuous bullying. Why would she treat this like a game and play along? Smile when insulted because she is female and he is a man playing some perverse domination game???0 -
I was really getting happy because my new size 8 pants are getting lose so my next purchase is going to be size 6 but now I'm just upset and it caused me to emotional eat. Ugh does anyone have people like this in their life?
He probably wants you to eat emotionally so you put on weight and can continue to bully you. Try think of that next time the urge takes hold. I won't say lose weight just to get the better of him because it should be for you, not him. But consider that a nice bonus, but also make it clear to your husband he needs to take your side here if he loves you.0 -
Your husband should talk to him and let him know that these comments are not okay. If your husband won't stand up for you then you likely have a whole other set of problems.0
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If it was me, I would no longer attend family gatherings with my in laws. I had an in law who was toxic and once I started avoiding this person, I felt so much relief! He can't say rude things to you if you are not around.0
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thorsmom01 wrote: »Your husband should talk to him and let him know that these comments are not okay. If your husband won't stand up for you then you likely have a whole other set of problems.
^^This.
What does your husband do while all of this is going on??
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Your a size 8 that is no way fat and why you letting them speak to you like that. Tell them where to go and not have anything to do with them till they speak to you with respect. I wouldn't lose anymore weight I'd you say your size 8s are getting lose sounds like your at a perfect weight now x0
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I'm afraid I fight rudeness with rudeness. "At least people like to be around me because I'm not a jerk" "Let's see YOU fit into that dress" "I'm sorry, were you talking or burping" etc. I've also been known to quietly leave a gathering and let my husband stay until he calls for a ride. That only happened once, it was sufficient to get the "that was inappropriate" point across.0
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snowflake954 wrote: »If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.
I am a little bit confused here. What does "dominate" mean in this context? I am guessing you did not raise your son to insult people in such a rude manner? OP is not talking about some stupid thoughtless comment, she is talking about continuous bullying. Why would she treat this like a game and play along? Smile when insulted because she is female and he is a man playing some perverse domination game???
Did you grow up with men? Watch their behaviour for awhile. There is always one who is "top dog" (leader) the others will follow him. Every now and again he will be challenged for this position (or he imagines that he is or will be) and therefore has to constantly remind the group that he is in charge. Now there are gradations to this. Her father-in-law is extremely insicure. He judges his worth on his dominate position in the family. That is why he will even insult, to remind her, and therefore the others in the family, that he has the leadership position. The other male--his son, isn't interested in the position, and won't fight his father. The husband never defended his sister against the father either. This will not change. As for my son, he would never insult me. He is extremely polite and well-mannered, but when he enters the room he approaches his brothers and quickly slaps them on the back--reminder that he is the oldest. My second son is alot taller and bigger overall, but accepts his older brother's dominence. I find it fascinating watching this interplay.
Once you understand the game--you can win. He's betting she won't react, if she wants to fight verbally, she'll have to be really sure of herself (no nervousness) or he'll cut her down and she'll be worse off. Just staring at him will set him back, he won't know what to do. It'll be easier to do.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.
I am a little bit confused here. What does "dominate" mean in this context? I am guessing you did not raise your son to insult people in such a rude manner? OP is not talking about some stupid thoughtless comment, she is talking about continuous bullying. Why would she treat this like a game and play along? Smile when insulted because she is female and he is a man playing some perverse domination game???
Did you grow up with men? Watch their behaviour for awhile. There is always one who is "top dog" (leader) the others will follow him. Every now and again he will be challenged for this position (or he imagines that he is or will be) and therefore has to constantly remind the group that he is in charge. Now there are gradations to this. Her father-in-law is extremely insicure. He judges his worth on his dominate position in the family. That is why he will even insult, to remind her, and therefore the others in the family, that he has the leadership position. The other male--his son, isn't interested in the position, and won't fight his father. The husband never defended his sister against the father either. This will not change. As for my son, he would never insult me. He is extremely polite and well-mannered, but when he enters the room he approaches his brothers and quickly slaps them on the back--reminder that he is the oldest. My second son is alot taller and bigger overall, but accepts his older brother's dominence. I find it fascinating watching this interplay.
Brothers trying to make themselves look better than their siblings, this is normal, as long as it does not come down to being hurtful. Maybe you have more men that women in your family, but it is also normal for sisters too
However, you are rationalising extremely rude behaviour based on gender.The OP's father in law is simply acting like an *kitten*. Whether he does this because he thinks he is better than women, because he hates OP, because it is his way of dealing with his insecurities, because he is evil or whatever, him being born a man is no excuse. He is a bully.
Same as her mother in law doing the same would make her a bully.
I am assuming here, and please correct me if I am wrong, that neither you nor OP are living in some culture where men and women are not equal. In any western society at least, there is no excuse for men to behave this way, as being male is not considered a mental disability giving a free pass to ignore basic manners, and there is no reason for OP to sit back and being bullied, because women are actually allowed to stand up to men.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.
I am a little bit confused here. What does "dominate" mean in this context? I am guessing you did not raise your son to insult people in such a rude manner? OP is not talking about some stupid thoughtless comment, she is talking about continuous bullying. Why would she treat this like a game and play along? Smile when insulted because she is female and he is a man playing some perverse domination game???
Did you grow up with men? Watch their behaviour for awhile. There is always one who is "top dog" (leader) the others will follow him. Every now and again he will be challenged for this position (or he imagines that he is or will be) and therefore has to constantly remind the group that he is in charge. Now there are gradations to this. Her father-in-law is extremely insicure. He judges his worth on his dominate position in the family. That is why he will even insult, to remind her, and therefore the others in the family, that he has the leadership position. The other male--his son, isn't interested in the position, and won't fight his father. The husband never defended his sister against the father either. This will not change. As for my son, he would never insult me. He is extremely polite and well-mannered, but when he enters the room he approaches his brothers and quickly slaps them on the back--reminder that he is the oldest. My second son is alot taller and bigger overall, but accepts his older brother's dominence. I find it fascinating watching this interplay.
Brothers trying to make themselves look better than their siblings, this is normal, as long as it does not come down to being hurtful. Maybe you have more men that women in your family, but it is also normal for sisters too
However, you are rationalising extremely rude behaviour based on gender.The OP's father in law is simply acting like an *kitten*. Whether he does this because he thinks he is better than women, because he hates OP, because it is his way of dealing with his insecurities, because he is evil or whatever, him being born a man is no excuse. He is a bully.
Same as her mother in law doing the same would make her a bully.
I am assuming here, and please correct me if I am wrong, that neither you nor OP are living in some culture where men and women are not equal. In any western society at least, there is no excuse for men to behave this way, as being male is not considered a mental disability giving a free pass to ignore basic manners, and there is no reason for OP to sit back and being bullied, because women are actually allowed to stand up to men.
I grew up in the USA and now live in Italy. I don't excuse the father-in-law's bullying, but the OP asked how to deal with it. If she had had the strength of character to stand up to him she would have done so immediately and wouldn't be asking opinions on this thread. If her mother-in-law had done it, the same advice would probably work--but women are a bit cleverer with their insults. The father-in-law is everything you've said, but I think he can be delt with---but that's just my opinion.
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Life's too short to bother with toxic people. I'd bow out of any family gathering he's invited to.0
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I would definitely tell your husband how much it hurts you that FIL talks to you like that. If his dad talks to his sisters and mom that way he may truly be unaware that it's hurting you...to him it's just the way they interact. If you tell him to talk to dad and he doesn't then there would definitely be issues between me and the hub! He should back you up once he knows you're feeling hurt in those situations.0
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snowflake954 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »If your husband didn't stick up for you right away--he won't. His father has the upper hand in the family and this is his way of showing everyone that he is "top dog". When he makes a stupid comment like that be prepared and just stare at him and look him up and down slowly and then give a small knowing smile--like you're aware of his mental games. If you show him it won't work with you--that you're mentally stronger, he'll leave you alone.
PS: I know this because I grew up with 5 brothers and now have 3 sons in their 20's. They always try to dominate, especially my oldest son. So I know what works.
I am a little bit confused here. What does "dominate" mean in this context? I am guessing you did not raise your son to insult people in such a rude manner? OP is not talking about some stupid thoughtless comment, she is talking about continuous bullying. Why would she treat this like a game and play along? Smile when insulted because she is female and he is a man playing some perverse domination game???
Did you grow up with men? Watch their behaviour for awhile. There is always one who is "top dog" (leader) the others will follow him. Every now and again he will be challenged for this position (or he imagines that he is or will be) and therefore has to constantly remind the group that he is in charge. Now there are gradations to this. Her father-in-law is extremely insicure. He judges his worth on his dominate position in the family. That is why he will even insult, to remind her, and therefore the others in the family, that he has the leadership position. The other male--his son, isn't interested in the position, and won't fight his father. The husband never defended his sister against the father either. This will not change. As for my son, he would never insult me. He is extremely polite and well-mannered, but when he enters the room he approaches his brothers and quickly slaps them on the back--reminder that he is the oldest. My second son is alot taller and bigger overall, but accepts his older brother's dominence. I find it fascinating watching this interplay.
Brothers trying to make themselves look better than their siblings, this is normal, as long as it does not come down to being hurtful. Maybe you have more men that women in your family, but it is also normal for sisters too
However, you are rationalising extremely rude behaviour based on gender.The OP's father in law is simply acting like an *kitten*. Whether he does this because he thinks he is better than women, because he hates OP, because it is his way of dealing with his insecurities, because he is evil or whatever, him being born a man is no excuse. He is a bully.
Same as her mother in law doing the same would make her a bully.
I am assuming here, and please correct me if I am wrong, that neither you nor OP are living in some culture where men and women are not equal. In any western society at least, there is no excuse for men to behave this way, as being male is not considered a mental disability giving a free pass to ignore basic manners, and there is no reason for OP to sit back and being bullied, because women are actually allowed to stand up to men.
Agreed.
I grew up with in a house with my father and two brothers, with three male cousins and an uncle down the street. This is not the way all men behave, and jostling for dominance is not an exclusively male pursuit - the complex and prickly interactions of teenage girls will show you that.
OP I think you need to be firm and let the father in law know, preferably in private so no-one else can butt in, you find his words hurtful and would like him to stop. Sometimes people need to hear explicitly that their behaviour is unacceptable in order to understand. If another family member has been mocked about her weight you know the issue really is with your FIL/other family members, and not you. If nothing changes I wouldn't attend any more family gatherings. I, too, would be disappointed if my boyfriend/partner/husband did not feel he needed to challenge someone from his family being cruel to me, but you can exercise power by simply refusing to put yourself in that situation if certain individuals want to behave in a juvenile and insensitive manner.0 -
What a wonderful excuse to never see your in laws again! Think of all the time you'll have for friends, hobbies, working out!0
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NotGoingDown90 wrote: »Is what I was told by my father in law as I jokingly told my sister in law that I will wear her dress that I will pick up from dry cleaning on my way home. He kept repeating the same thing while emphasizing the word NEVER. He even made fun of me as I ate dinner and I was sitting on a separate table with my husband because the other table was filled with people. He kept saying look at her hiding in the corner stuffing her face. I lost 6 pounds since starting my weight loss journey. I have 9 pounds left until I reach 130 I don't think I'm huge but apperntly my father in law does. Every girl in the family is at the most weighs 110 and because I'm not that weight they think that I am huge and I'm just annoyed and feel like venting. I was really getting happy because my new size 8 pants are getting lose so my next purchase is going to be size 6 but now I'm just upset and it caused me to emotional eat. Ugh does anyone have people like this in their life?
I also forgot to add but they always made fun of their oldest daughter about her weight and she recently lost a lot of weight and since then they have been bothering me about my weight because in our family there is always that one person they make fat jokes or height jokes about
Your fil is being stupid and mean. He treats people like garbage. His opinions are garbage. People who make fun of others like that are bullies. Understand that they are not normal people. It is sick to choose someone in the family to be a verbal and emotional punching bag for everyone because they look different. Does your husband participate in this behavior?
It doesn't matter if you can wear your sil's dress or not. It doesn't matter if you are a size 20 or a size 2. You are still you. Your value as a human being and member of the family is not your dress size or a number or the scale. I'd refuse to be around those toxic people quite frankly. I have family who I never see and it made my life better to make that choice because they are poisonous.
139 lbs is not huge. It is very slightly overweight if you are 5' 2" tall but 110 lb would be on the very low end of a healthy weight for that height. Unless they are under 5' tall then those women are teetering on the edge of being an unhealthy weight. Not really something to aspire to.0
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