My family gives me no support
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lillyy23
Posts: 136 Member
I just wanna cry right now. I ate prettty well all day and same *kitten* happens every time. I just started my diet today. And like its always the same damn thing. My mother or dad both either both take sides and tell me not to eat this or that. This time it was my mom i went down to eat i was having a major binging moment i know i slipped but it was the FIRST *kitten* day and she's talking *kitten* like saying im always making excuses and that its always my first day. Im allowed to *kitten* have slip ups. So as long as im dieting i cant ever have another cheat as long as i live??? Is that even human. So i wont be able to ever have pizza or burgers and *kitten* if i wanna be skinny. She puts me down all the time to the point where i don't even wanna try cause every time i tell them im dieting or even if i dont tell them they guess cause when im drinking tons of water they know im dieting. So they know im dieting and they see me try to eat at night or have a *kitten* cookie and they put me down for it like telling me ill never be good enough if i keep doing that. Wow i cant have one slice of anything. I even told her I JUST STARTED AND IT TAKES WEEKS TO FORM A HABIT WTF. SORRY IM JUST RANTING
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Replies
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Weight loss is all about calories in. Who's to say you can't ever have a slice of pizza or a burger?? Set your daily caloric limit and eat food within your boundaries. If you want a burger, eat lower calories to make room for what you like. You don't have to do a crash diet to lose weight. Just keep a tally of what you eat and set rules. You can do it.
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1) this is hard to read with all the filth filter swaps to *kitten*
2) parents can suck, they mean well, but it comes out poorly
3) you are 25, maybe time to move out
Sorry you are so frustrated, but from a problem solving perspective, what needs to change? Think about it for a bit. Have you told them how you feel? Have you explained how their words are influencing you?5 -
nutmegoreo wrote: »1) this is hard to read with all the filth filter swaps to *kitten*
2) parents can suck, they mean well, but it comes out poorly
3) you are 25, maybe time to move out
Sorry you are so frustrated, but from a problem solving perspective, what needs to change? Think about it for a bit. Have you told them how you feel? Have you explained how their words are influencing you?
I never said I lived with them. I live on my own it still would be nice to get support. Of course I've told them how I feel and its an argument every time. When its about them they dont like to hear it. My parents arent in the greatest shape either. Obviously you don't understand where I'm coming from. Maybe its a European thing but it doesnt matter how many times I tell them how I feel. They are judgemental and think because I'm younger then them I should care about my image and I do thats why im trying to make a change but they are always putting me down. But the minute I say something about them it doesnt matter because they say they already lived their life.0 -
frankieg2k5 wrote: »Weight loss is all about calories in. Who's to say you can't ever have a slice of pizza or a burger?? Set your daily caloric limit and eat food within your boundaries. If you want a burger, eat lower calories to make room for what you like. You don't have to do a crash diet to lose weight. Just keep a tally of what you eat and set rules. You can do it.
Thanks i guess i was feeling crappy about it my family always puts me down i feel like im all alone in my journey. It doesnt even make me feel like sharing it with anyone until I get real results. Does tthis ever happen to you? Friends or family not supporting you?0 -
nutmegoreo wrote: »1) this is hard to read with all the filth filter swaps to *kitten*
2) parents can suck, they mean well, but it comes out poorly
3) you are 25, maybe time to move out
Sorry you are so frustrated, but from a problem solving perspective, what needs to change? Think about it for a bit. Have you told them how you feel? Have you explained how their words are influencing you?
I never said I lived with them. I live on my own it still would be nice to get support. Of course I've told them how I feel and its an argument every time. When its about them they dont like to hear it. My parents arent in the greatest shape either. Obviously you don't understand where I'm coming from. Maybe its a European thing but it doesnt matter how many times I tell them how I feel. They are judgemental and think because I'm younger then them I should care about my image and I do thats why im trying to make a change but they are always putting me down. But the minute I say something about them it doesnt matter because they say they already lived their life.
Actually, your assumption that I don't know is inaccurate. I have taken a low contact approach with my mother specifically for the reason of how critical she is. That was how I chose to deal with it, when talking to her didn't work. I was trying to suggest that you need to look at your options, what your values are, and what can you do to change the situation. Your choice of words in your OP (went down to eat, suggested downstairs, but if you don't live with them, it could have been down as in drove to another town). It seems strange that if you aren't living with them that they still have this much power over your feelings. Honestly, this is something to explore.9 -
nutmegoreo wrote: »nutmegoreo wrote: »1) this is hard to read with all the filth filter swaps to *kitten*
2) parents can suck, they mean well, but it comes out poorly
3) you are 25, maybe time to move out
Sorry you are so frustrated, but from a problem solving perspective, what needs to change? Think about it for a bit. Have you told them how you feel? Have you explained how their words are influencing you?
I never said I lived with them. I live on my own it still would be nice to get support. Of course I've told them how I feel and its an argument every time. When its about them they dont like to hear it. My parents arent in the greatest shape either. Obviously you don't understand where I'm coming from. Maybe its a European thing but it doesnt matter how many times I tell them how I feel. They are judgemental and think because I'm younger then them I should care about my image and I do thats why im trying to make a change but they are always putting me down. But the minute I say something about them it doesnt matter because they say they already lived their life.
Actually, your assumption that I don't know is inaccurate. I have taken a low contact approach with my mother specifically for the reason of how critical she is. That was how I chose to deal with it, when talking to her didn't work. I was trying to suggest that you need to look at your options, what your values are, and what can you do to change the situation. Your choice of words in your OP (went down to eat, suggested downstairs, but if you don't live with them, it could have been down as in drove to another town). It seems strange that if you aren't living with them that they still have this much power over your feelings. Honestly, this is something to explore.
Well thank you. But yeah family is important to me. Doesn't matter how old I get. That's just how I was raised. And yeah I went downstairs to eat. I visit sometimes. But anyways yeah, things got better when I moved out but its like every time we speak its like what did you eat? What have you been eating? Its like i can't slip they think that if I have pizza one day ill gain like 10 pounds. I don't even gain weight that easily.0 -
nutmegoreo wrote: »nutmegoreo wrote: »1) this is hard to read with all the filth filter swaps to *kitten*
2) parents can suck, they mean well, but it comes out poorly
3) you are 25, maybe time to move out
Sorry you are so frustrated, but from a problem solving perspective, what needs to change? Think about it for a bit. Have you told them how you feel? Have you explained how their words are influencing you?
I never said I lived with them. I live on my own it still would be nice to get support. Of course I've told them how I feel and its an argument every time. When its about them they dont like to hear it. My parents arent in the greatest shape either. Obviously you don't understand where I'm coming from. Maybe its a European thing but it doesnt matter how many times I tell them how I feel. They are judgemental and think because I'm younger then them I should care about my image and I do thats why im trying to make a change but they are always putting me down. But the minute I say something about them it doesnt matter because they say they already lived their life.
Actually, your assumption that I don't know is inaccurate. I have taken a low contact approach with my mother specifically for the reason of how critical she is. That was how I chose to deal with it, when talking to her didn't work. I was trying to suggest that you need to look at your options, what your values are, and what can you do to change the situation. Your choice of words in your OP (went down to eat, suggested downstairs, but if you don't live with them, it could have been down as in drove to another town). It seems strange that if you aren't living with them that they still have this much power over your feelings. Honestly, this is something to explore.
Well thank you. But yeah family is important to me. Doesn't matter how old I get. That's just how I was raised. And yeah I went downstairs to eat. I visit sometimes. But anyways yeah, things got better when I moved out but its like every time we speak its like what did you eat? What have you been eating? Its like i can't slip they think that if I have pizza one day ill gain like 10 pounds. I don't even gain weight that easily.
I'm not suggesting that low/no contact is appropriate for you. That's why I said to explore it. Counselling helped me a lot in learning to change the way I responded to those behaviours. Not reacting to the behaviours has actually helped reduce the frequency/intensity of them. It's fascinating to observe, really. It also makes the time we do spend together more tolerable. There are options out there so you don't have to keep feeling this way. That's all I'm saying.3 -
MFP calculate your calorie goal in that goal you set boundary for yourself and eat what ever you want but it should with in the calories. Lossing weight depends on calories you are taking and releasing through workouts or walking, running or jogging what ever you like to do, but take healthy food which helps to your body.0
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If I have learned anything about dieting, its that people will ALWAYS try and make it seem like their way is the best way, that they are right, and you are wrong. Even if I do good, and make a choice of a small fries and grilled chicken sandwich at a fast food place, some friends make snarky comments like "why don't u just get 4 nuggets and no fries at all?" It is very very very frustrating and I know what you mean. All I can say, is that you just have to suck it up and not tell anyone about your diet, progress, or exercise, don't speak about it if you know they will make snarky comments. That's the way I have done it, I know my friends will make snarky comments about it if I tell them what I am doing, so I just don't. And if they still know I'm dieting either way and they see me eating out on the weekend, and if they say anything, I will just joke around about it back at them and say "diets don't exist on weekends, or what diet?!" Just to get them off my back. Usually after that they won't say anything anymore. Another thing is though, sometimes we have to listen a little to those around us, even though it sucks, sometimes those people are right, (even though they come off rude about it) and sometimes we do got to listen to them a little. I know it sucks to hear, it really does. But you have to know when they are right, and when they are just being rude.0
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Of course I've told them how I feel and its an argument every time. When its about them they dont like to hear it. ... the minute I say something about them it doesnt matter because they say they already lived their life.
I hear you on the cultural differences, but I see a disconnect in what you said. You go from saying that you've told them how you feel to saying that they ignore you when you talk about them. But telling them how you feel is about you, not them!
So maybe try it with this formula: "When you (insert action), I feel (insert feeling). The result is (insert result). (Add an optional request for change.)"
It's a way of stating your feelings without blame. I imagine, for you, it might sound something like, "When you tell me not to eat certain things, I feel frustrated and discouraged. The result is that I don't want to include you in my life." I know I'm probably way off there.. I just wanted to give you an example. You can also add to the end of it something like, "Please try to avoid commenting on what I'm eating." Obviously you gotta say it how it's natural for you, but the formula has to be there.
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I just wanna cry right now. I ate prettty well all day and same *kitten* happens every time. I just started my diet today. And like its always the same damn thing. My mother or dad both either both take sides and tell me not to eat this or that. This time it was my mom i went down to eat i was having a major binging moment i know i slipped but it was the FIRST *kitten* day and she's talking *kitten* like saying im always making excuses and that its always my first day. Im allowed to *kitten* have slip ups. So as long as im dieting i cant ever have another cheat as long as i live??? Is that even human. So i wont be able to ever have pizza or burgers and *kitten* if i wanna be skinny. She puts me down all the time to the point where i don't even wanna try cause every time i tell them im dieting or even if i dont tell them they guess cause when im drinking tons of water they know im dieting. So they know im dieting and they see me try to eat at night or have a *kitten* cookie and they put me down for it like telling me ill never be good enough if i keep doing that. Wow i cant have one slice of anything. I even told her I JUST STARTED AND IT TAKES WEEKS TO FORM A HABIT WTF. SORRY IM JUST RANTING
I just want to say that you definitely want to eat in a way that you can sustain long term. That means figuring out how to eat pizza or cookies within your calorie goal. I find pre-logging my whole day helps me to meet my goals and eat whatever I want.
I didn't tell anyone outside of my dh and dd that I was trying to lose weight. They don't question my food choices.
You could listen to them carefully. Ask them questions about where they got that information from. Thank them for their interest and show off MFP and how easy it is to use. Talk about your goals until they beg you to stop. Talk about logging non stop. Show them scientific studies. Brag about fitting pizza into your calorie goal. Ask how they are doing. Badger them about setting up their own MFP accounts so you can be friends. They can easily improve their health too! Ask them to give you calorie counts for meals they cook you. Share recipes. Buy them a food scale. They wanted to be involved in your weight management after all. This is a topic they love right?
-Or-
You could tell them you are an adult and you aren't going to discuss your eating habits and weight anymore with them and change the subject, hang up the phone or leave every time they go there.
On a final note, your value as a human being is not a number on the scale or a clothing size. You deserve to be your healthiest and live a full life. Do what makes you happy not your parents.5 -
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http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10134341/you-arent-always-going-to-get-support/p1
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"they put me down"
Hiya lilyy23, I have a similar issue with my parents. I was living with my mom and her husband until about 5 months ago. I think parents mean well but sometimes they have personal problems that interfere with how they communicate. I think the whole weight and image issue strikes a cord with everyone, especially if they are not in the best shape either. Someone suggested not reacting, and that has worked for me somewhat, but also doing the opposite and giving them positive feedback or emotional support can help too. I mean, I would compliment my moms husband on how healthy he eats, and say wow thats a health snack, light on the stomach, I think you might be losing weight! Then he would back pedal and something like, no not really, I eat junk food constantly. Anyway, it sometimes will neutralized the whole food issue. Its very emotional, I think. Just my random thoughts, sorry to hear it upsets you so much.
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frankieg2k5 wrote: »Weight loss is all about calories in. Who's to say you can't ever have a slice of pizza or a burger?? Set your daily caloric limit and eat food within your boundaries. If you want a burger, eat lower calories to make room for what you like. You don't have to do a crash diet to lose weight. Just keep a tally of what you eat and set rules. You can do it.
Thanks i guess i was feeling crappy about it my family always puts me down i feel like im all alone in my journey. It doesnt even make me feel like sharing it with anyone until I get real results. Does tthis ever happen to you? Friends or family not supporting you?
Yes, you are alone on your journey. You are an adult. You can lose weight. On your own. You. Or you can not lose weight. You. Not your mother. Or your brother. Or anyone else.
You are 25. You are several years past the age where you trying to lose weight or eat a burger was somethign that should concern your mother. At 5, you being overweight or not, it was something that you could blame your mother about. And you eating junk food or not, it was something that concerned your mother and she had control over it.
You are an adult. This is up to you. You can succeed, and have yourself to congratulate. Not your mother. Or fail and have only yourself to blame. Not your mother.\
And sorry to say, but if you start and restart a "diet" and fail on the first day, then you are not really doing a diet. You are just whining about your weight. And it is very tiresome for anyone, your family included, to hear a grown up whine about the same things all the time, be it weight, a boyfriend or a bad haircut.16 -
I understand your frustration, but I do agree with aggelikik. Its not your family's journey, its yours. It'd be great to receive support from loved ones as we go through it, but that simply is not the case for everyone. Myself, I've had to hide everything about my weight loss from my family and friends, because there is zero support, just worry and annoyance.
I second Lounmouns advice, seems pretty sound.0 -
I don't understand. A cheat day on the first day of a new diet? Then you haven't started a diet. I kind of understand why the lack of support is there then.
I have a colleague who does the same. He keeps talking about all the big things he'll do and all the weight he'll lose. Latest he was going to quit alcohol completely. That lasted 3 days. How do you think I'll react next time he says "Now I'll do it"? He hasn't actually lost any weight in the past 1½ years, even though it's one of the things he keeps talking about.
You can talk all you want. But walk the walk, THEN talk. Don't talk and not follow through, that's just wasting everybody's time, including your own.8 -
Time to start adulting and realise that it's only what you say to yourself that matters.
You can't change what people say to you - just how you react to it
Learning to smile and nod (even have a running Homer Simpson style soundtrack in your head) whilst your loved ones give you well-meaning advice or comment on your choices is a good adult life skill. In fact if you plan to have children ever I would even say that it was vital
Practice it5 -
To be honest, everyone is going to have an opinion whether you like it or not. It's got to 100% you behind the driving wheel for motivation and commitment.
I have been overweight my whole life, I went to university and lost probably only a stone (I wasn't keeping track but got nice comments). When I moved back home, jobless and uni friend less, I regressed back to eating a load and all junk food. You know what fuelled my weight loss? I had a new photo of me uploaded on to Facebook and cause I hadn't down much it appeared, right next to my graduation ones. I looked like twice the girl I had been 6 months.
So i got this app, I track my food and I have lost 5 pounds so far I keep that photo on my facebook and when I am ready, I will upload a new one to inspire me that my weight loss is working.
It's probably silly but that's all my motivation. I didn't tell anyone I was using this app until I lost 3 pounds and that wasjust close family (who really are indifferent aha)
I suggest you find you own personal motivationn to drive you. And when I started I just logged my food, no changes, for a week or two. Hitting well over my calorie goal everyday encouraged me to make changes. And it's a lot easier than you think to eat within your goal. To be honest I feel healthier physically and mentally already.
Feel free to add me for some support.3 -
Only you can support you.
It is fine to tell people how your doing and most people will be positive but to expect them to be really interested is short sighted. you are your strength and you are your focus.
Cheat days.... well that is like 2 steps forward 1 step back friends of mine oftern have 1 cheat day a week over 7 weeks that's 1 whole week of binge eating. eat lean and have maybe one cheat day a month thats 12 bad eating days a year.
As for the cut cal's to have a burger!! look at it this way your fueling you body whats better 900 cal's of chicken and veg (or another healthy meal) or 1 burger....whats better for your body???
sorry it sounds harsh but its down to you to be able to choose and not need some one to hold your hand.
Find you BMR then take off 500 cal's Eat clean job done.
Only you can make your self who you want to be0 -
muddygamer wrote: »Only you can support you.
It is fine to tell people how your doing and most people will be positive but to expect them to be really interested is short sighted. you are your strength and you are your focus.
Cheat days.... well that is like 2 steps forward 1 step back friends of mine oftern have 1 cheat day a week over 7 weeks that's 1 whole week of binge eating. eat lean and have maybe one cheat day a month thats 12 bad eating days a year.
As for the cut cal's to have a burger!! look at it this way your fueling you body whats better 900 cal's of chicken and veg (or another healthy meal) or 1 burger....whats better for your body???
sorry it sounds harsh but its down to you to be able to choose and not need some one to hold your hand.
Find you BMR then take off 500 cal's Eat clean job done.
Only you can make your self who you want to be
for 900 calories you can easily have a cheeseburger and fries - and you know what it can be equally good for your body and your psyche - it may even be better for me than chicken and veg at that particular time because I may need the fats for nutrient absorption and/or the protein hit and/or the carbs to help fuel endurance exercises
a single food or meal does not make a "diet", nutritional balance comes from everything we eat and every activity we take part in.
hit your macro and micro nutrient requirements within the foods you choose and there is no 'better'6
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