Compliment or Criticism...?
mrs_madison_keane
Posts: 45 Member
Does anyone else get the comment, "You're not still trying to lose weight... are you?!" This super confusing comment usually comes up after they've just said something along the lines of "You look great!," and then they follow it up with such an awkward statement like that. I just don't understand... Is this supposed to be a compliment? Because it sort of feels backhanded to me. Oh and side-note.... When did my weight loss become a comfortable subject for someone else to comment on at all?
I get it... I lost 65ish pounds last year, so people are bound to notice. But is a comment like that supposed to make me feel good about myself...? Because it just makes me feel self-conscious.
Anyone else feel this way...? Anyone have thoughts on a good response besides nervous awkward laughter...?
I get it... I lost 65ish pounds last year, so people are bound to notice. But is a comment like that supposed to make me feel good about myself...? Because it just makes me feel self-conscious.
Anyone else feel this way...? Anyone have thoughts on a good response besides nervous awkward laughter...?
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Replies
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mrs_madison_keane wrote: »Does anyone else get the comment, "You're not still trying to lose weight... are you?!" This super confusing comment usually comes up after they've just said something along the lines of "You look great!," and then they follow it up with such an awkward statement like that. I just don't understand... Is this supposed to be a compliment? Because it sort of feels backhanded to me. Oh and side-note.... When did my weight loss become a comfortable subject for someone else to comment on at all?
I get it... I lost 65ish pounds last year, so people are bound to notice. But is a comment like that supposed to make me feel good about myself...? Because it just makes me feel self-conscious.
Anyone else feel this way...? Anyone have thoughts on a good response besides nervous awkward laughter...?
Never. But, for some reason a lot of people think it's okay to say something that they generally don't even think about before it comes out of their mouth.
First of all, don't over think it. You can't know what their intention is unless you ask them directly and even then, who cares? If you are happy with yourself then that's all that matters.
My response would be "I'm doing great, thank you!", end of topic. Change the conversation to something else. If they are totally clueless and persist then speak up and tell them it's not a topic open for discussion. Of course, it always depends on who says it, where you are, and the current circumstances.13 -
Based on past threads, lots of people get this kind of comment. It is a compliment, but it's also a comment that the person thinks you're starting to get too thin.
I got similar comments when I was still losing. I find it ridiculous because it just highlights that people have no bloody idea what a healthy weight looks like. Or what an extra 10, 20, 30 pounds looks like.
Since I had a goal at a healthy BMI, I cheerfully told the person that I still had X amount I still wanted to lose and that would put me right in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height. They didn't have a whole lot left to say after that.
It's funny, but now that I'm working on losing a bit more after maintaining for years, no one even notices that I've lost anything. The same people who were concerned that another 5 lbs was going to make me look emaciated haven't even noticed an 8 lb loss. It's all about perspective and what people are used to seeing.26 -
I've been getting that a lot too. Although I am smaller, I feel stronger and have more energy so I simply briefly explain that. In the end, as long you're healthy, there's really nothing more they can tell you.4
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My husband lost 65 pounds in 9 1/2 months last year and the world.. I mean the entire world including his grown daughters that do not see him but a couple of time a years all asked "you lost weight, are you sick"?? or "you lost weigh are you sure everything is ok in life?"
Never was it, "you look fantastic, do you feel as good as you look?"
So I totally get it.. it does not mean anything to the one that is saying it and they do not intend to harm you one way or the other with their words..
I lost 20 he lost 65 which is huge, he says, it was time to get hot again, or we are just putting our health first! This can be an in your face comment because I live in the south, no one here is thin and lean (over 2/3 of the population here are over weight and fat) so that all that needs to be said.
edited to add: when you no longer look or act like others around you, hense the word "changed" no one really gets that most times, so I think a lot of folks (even family) really do not know how to say or know what to say and make that comfortable for you and them selves both at the same time.
It has nothing to do with you.. so do not take it personally..6 -
When people ask me about my weight, I just ask if it's my turn to comment on their weight now. Gets a good deer in the headlight look going...32
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Yep. I lost 85 lbs in just under a year and I'm super short so it was noticeable. People were making that comment when I was still in the overweight range! Sometimes it felt like a compliment. Other times it was accompanied by some comment about their own weight and it didn't feel like a compliment to me. It didn't matter, I was never doing it for other people so they could think whatever they wanted and I was going to keep on with my goals.5
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I'm 5 ft 8 1/2 in tall and went from 195 to 136-140 and heard it a lot too. I was always real thin growing up in fact even after my first pregnancy had trouble hitting 120 lbs so it was a struggle to gain and maintain...heard about it then with people asking if I was dieting like crazy or anorexic (I was neither). Then a year after my second child, a divorce, and college through my master's degree with lots of sitting and grabbing quick food to study I slowly started gaining. In a few years I was 195 and stayed there a long time. When I'd drop weight I'd get the same thing as you so I'd get to where I'd never talk about trying to loose weight etc... to avoid those conversations. I think most people genuinely want to be happy for us when we first loose but are either petty or maybe just don't think when they say things like you're not still trying to loose more are you? I remember as I originally gained I was getting negative comments when I was in the 140s about how much I'd gained. Now all these years later at 140 (which is what I was in my profile pic) I get the you're getting too thin comments and questions like are you getting anorexic? Usually, I just let it slide while other things run through my head...and yes some of those thoughts are just not much of anything and other times rivals a good disney villain lol.5
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Yes, and I'm really sick and tired of it. I've lost 40lbs and I understand that I look very different. I also understand that my face and shoulders look a bit gaunt because I'm smaller on top to begin with.
I've gotten so far:
You've lost so much. You have to be done???
I was looking at your neck, and...you're too thin.
I just touched your shoulder, and....you're very thin!
You need to gain 5lbs.
I start trying to explain myself and I have no idea why.6 -
I've had that happen before. I've also been told that I need to stop lifting weights because "guys don't find that attractive", right after that same person said that people shouldn't put as much importance on what others think of them... If I remember correctly, they were saying that because they were "a little chubby" (their words, not mine) and they'd rather "keep drinking wine than lose weight".
I feel like all sorts of comments about others bodies tend to come from some kind of insecurity within themselves. Of course, you may get the person who's genuinely concerned, but for the most part, success of any sort is often met with backhanded compliments due to insecurities.8 -
mrs_madison_keane wrote: »Does anyone else get the comment, "You're not still trying to lose weight... are you?!" This super confusing comment usually comes up after they've just said something along the lines of "You look great!," and then they follow it up with such an awkward statement like that. I just don't understand... Is this supposed to be a compliment? Because it sort of feels backhanded to me. Oh and side-note.... When did my weight loss become a comfortable subject for someone else to comment on at all?
I get it... I lost 65ish pounds last year, so people are bound to notice. But is a comment like that supposed to make me feel good about myself...? Because it just makes me feel self-conscious.
Anyone else feel this way...? Anyone have thoughts on a good response besides nervous awkward laughter...?
Best response: No I'm shooting for my birth weight.24 -
I think they're just trying to say that you look good at your current weight and they'd be concerned that you don't recognize that if you are still trying to loose. Take it as a compliment and a gesture of concern for your well-being.3
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I try and remain transparent, and respond with, "you haven't changed one bit, including your sarcasm!" But if you know me you will realise that I am blunt and to the point sometimes
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mrs_madison_keane wrote: »Does anyone else get the comment, "You're not still trying to lose weight... are you?!" This super confusing comment usually comes up after they've just said something along the lines of "You look great!," and then they follow it up with such an awkward statement like that. I just don't understand... Is this supposed to be a compliment? Because it sort of feels backhanded to me. Oh and side-note.... When did my weight loss become a comfortable subject for someone else to comment on at all?
I get it... I lost 65ish pounds last year, so people are bound to notice. But is a comment like that supposed to make me feel good about myself...? Because it just makes me feel self-conscious.
Anyone else feel this way...? Anyone have thoughts on a good response besides nervous awkward laughter...?
Best response: No I'm shooting for my birth weight.
LOL! No I'm shooting for my birth weight. Oh am I gonna use that one...3 -
Just yesterday, I came up behind a coworker and said hi, then playfully dodged over to the side so she couldn't see me. She responded with, "Jeff, you're so skinny I can't see you whichever way you turn!" No big deal, I was skinny growing up, but yeah, I get these comments from time to time. I just let them roll off my back - I know what my fitness goals are, and they're my goals, not theirs.5
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Yeah I've gotten that comment along with: "If you keep loosing weight you'll get a rat face" "You'll look anorexic if you loose any more weight" "You should stop dieting and start eating again"
What people don't know is that I'm not on a diet, I'm eating healthy and I've changed my lifestyle. I don't look skinny at all and I still have extra fat to loose if I wanna compete in Bikini Competitions!
These comments come from people who really should make some lifestyle changes so I usually just say something like: "And you should really join me at the gym and stay clear of that snickers" I'm really not trying to be rude when I say that but I can only take so much from these persons and that usually stops them from saying anything ever again.7 -
Yes I get it, I get told I am too thin, concerned old ladies tell me not to lose anymore (not planning to) and one said I should go stay with her for a week or two so she can fatten me up lol.
To be honest I just smile and nod then ignore it, I went from 180 to 102 so of course people will notice although when I was obese no one seemed concerned for me then, some were very rude but certainly not concerned.
Bottom line is, healthy BMI, doctor is happy and not worried, I am not anorexic like some suggest and I am most definitely going to use the 'shooting for my birth weight' response in future too, not with the kind old ladies maybe but certainly with a few others lol.5 -
I generally just smile and make a casual response and choose to accept comments as complements. ("Yes, I'm down a couple of chins." or "Getting there!" etc.)
Maybe a little rose colored glasses viewpoint, but I'm happy with my progress and what others think or say is not really important.8 -
Never be afraid to tell people where to stick their opinions.4
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My husband lost 65 pounds in 9 1/2 months last year and the world.. I mean the entire world including his grown daughters that do not see him but a couple of time a years all asked "you lost weight, are you sick"?? or "you lost weigh are you sure everything is ok in life?"
I would take these comments as a "How can you possibly be losing weight because you want to. Nobody can do that, you must be sick"
It is an unspoken compliment that you were able to apply enough self discipline to accomplish a goal that is very difficult for most people.
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RosieRose7673 wrote: »I feel like all sorts of comments about others bodies tend to come from some kind of insecurity within themselves. Of course, you may get the person who's genuinely concerned, but for the most part, success of any sort is often met with backhanded compliments due to insecurities.
This is insightful, and the best response I've seen here. Any kind of success you achieve, not just in weight loss, tends to reveal things about your friends, and what kind of people they are.5 -
Compliments and criticism go hand and hand when they aren't backed by an authentic statement about the person speaking them.0
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Maybe it's my personality but it really doesn't bother me what they say. What I'm going to say next may sound arrogant but a lot of the people here probably understand where I'm coming from. We have a different mindset and a different perspective then a lot of people out there have.
One of the biggest insults someone who is successful hears is that you're so lucky. What the average person doesn't understand is all you've had to sacrifice and endure. Al luck is when opportunity and preparedness meet.
They don't understand the time and effort we've put in into this journey the planning thinking about what we're going to have and how much and the consequences of not doing the right thing. Simple truth is many of them aren't willing to do what we do.
So enjoy the journey all you lucky people.
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Oh my. This is right on the mark!
My husband's been told to get me a sandwich. I've been called skin on bones and told that if I lose any more I'll look like Skeletor.
I'm not sure when people began to think they have the right to comment on someone else? I am so tempted to tell them to step away from the doughnuts or ask if they've lost their pod, but I never EVER have or will criticize someone's size or shape. I was taught better than that.
My body fat is 21%. I have muscles, even though I'm not curvy. Now without 60plus pounds of fat on my frame, I find that I'm small boned, not large. My rear end is no longer huge. I have not one chin, not three.
I've got to get used to these thoughtless comments, because I'm not going back to fat clothes! Ever.
And yes, it was hard, but sooo worth it!10 -
Best response: No I'm shooting for my birth weight.
Brilliant . . . . but my three year old toddler has genuine concerns that I'm going to "shrink to a baby" (her words)
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Oh my. This is right on the mark!
My husband's been told to get me a sandwich. I've been called skin on bones and told that if I lose any more I'll look like Skeletor.
I'm not sure when people began to think they have the right to comment on someone else? I am so tempted to tell them to step away from the doughnuts or ask if they've lost their pod, but I never EVER have or will criticize someone's size or shape. I was taught better than that.
My body fat is 21%. I have muscles, even though I'm not curvy. Now without 60plus pounds of fat on my frame, I find that I'm small boned, not large. My rear end is no longer huge. I have not one chin, not three.
I've got to get used to these thoughtless comments, because I'm not going back to fat clothes! Ever.
And yes, it was hard, but sooo worth it!
Have they even seen Skeletor? He's totally ripped!
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My husband lost 65 pounds in 9 1/2 months last year and the world.. I mean the entire world including his grown daughters that do not see him but a couple of time a years all asked "you lost weight, are you sick"?? or "you lost weigh are you sure everything is ok in life?"
I have....THREE separate times....complimented (I thought) someone on their obvious weight loss only to find out that they HAVE been sick, or depressed. And that's worse! So I've learned. Now I just tell someone "you look great." If they've been working to lose weight, they know what I mean. If they've been sick, it still sounds like a compliment.11 -
I've always been on the fence on this one. I think some people cannot recognize when they have become too skinny, like my mom that's 120 pounds and still thinks she's fat. I think people concentrate too hard on a number that they feel they have to reach in order to be successful, instead of really looking at their bodies and recognizing that they're already at a healthy weight. BMI isn't always the best indicator of YOUR specific healthy weight. But do you. It's your body and you get to decide how you want it to look.6
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Oh my. This is right on the mark!
My husband's been told to get me a sandwich. I've been called skin on bones and told that if I lose any more I'll look like Skeletor.
No kidding I am still laughing out loud at this! If someone would have said that to me I would have laughed in their face...
People's perceptions of 'normal' are all different. When you don't fit their normal they seem to have a need to let you know about it.
Other than his desperate need for a facelift, Skeletor would be a pretty good goal! Love to have his biceps!
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CindyFooWho wrote: »My husband lost 65 pounds in 9 1/2 months last year and the world.. I mean the entire world including his grown daughters that do not see him but a couple of time a years all asked "you lost weight, are you sick"?? or "you lost weigh are you sure everything is ok in life?"
I have....THREE separate times....complimented (I thought) someone on their obvious weight loss only to find out that they HAVE been sick, or depressed. And that's worse! So I've learned. Now I just tell someone "you look great." If they've been working to lose weight, they know what I mean. If they've been sick, it still sounds like a compliment.
The best comment I received came from an older woman in my church. She sits behind me and asked, "Have you been trying to lose weight?" When I answered, "Yes I have," she then said what a great job I've been doing and that I looked great. We've have a lot of people who have or have had cancer. Some have died. I think she did an excellent job of opening up the topic. If I had been sick or had cancer, she'd have felt horrible for telling me how great I was doing.12 -
I've always been on the fence on this one. I think some people cannot recognize when they have become too skinny, like my mom that's 120 pounds and still thinks she's fat. I think people concentrate too hard on a number that they feel they have to reach in order to be successful, instead of really looking at their bodies and recognizing that they're already at a healthy weight. BMI isn't always the best indicator of YOUR specific healthy weight. But do you. It's your body and you get to decide how you want it to look.
^ I agree with this completely. There are so many great responses in this forum. I think the ones that I like best involve knowing that you're making healthy choices for your body (and mind). And not putting too much stock in what people who barely know you say about your weightloss journey. I feel like the people in your life who know you and love you the most SHOULD get a voice about it if they are speaking from a place of concern that they want you to be losing the weight safely or maintaining a healthy body weight/body image.0
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