The Clothes of my Past - I am holding on - I deserve better


I went through my closet today, finally decided to get rid of things that don’t fit anymore. I am hanging on to clothes of better times; times when I thought I only had to drop 20 lbs because my size 14 jeans were too tight.

These days are long gone. Now I wear 2X and 3X T-shirts and 1X and 2X elastic pants.
I threw all the tops on the bed, Size L and small XL’s. A pile of beautiful clothes of my past and all of it will be donated to the thrift store. There was more in the dresser. I looked at all the Pajamas, Jeans, and pants that don’t fit anymore. It felt like a trip down on memory lane, like pictures of better times.

From a size 12 to a size 16 I have it all. I don’t even know what size I am right now. A size 22 or 24, I really don’t know. Elastic pants come in handy, don't they?

I went to the mirror and took the picture that you see in my avatar. There I am in all my glory.
I have never felt more ashamed of myself. This is the new me; the obese, bulky person.

I haven’t been on the scale in a long time. Not knowing makes it better doesn’t it? The scale showed 272 lbs. I gained a hundred pounds in 5 years. Being older is no excuse; I don’t think there is an excuse.

I sat down on my bed and had a nervous breakdown. Sweat was running down my face, mixed with tears. I wish I could make it all go away. The doorbell rung, the delivery guy brought my lunch. Two Chinese lunch specials each for only $5.25 and each with fried rice and egg roll. $15 for my guilty pleasure. The guy knows me well. I bet they think the delivery is for two people, but it’s not. It’s only for me. I eat two lunches, the portions are small –that’s my excuse.

I didn’t touch my lunch and went back upstairs. I continued packing and somehow this voice inside me got louder and louder. “Really?”

I have two choices, either I face reality or I continue to dream. The reality is that I don’t want to be obese. I don’t want to run around wearing tents. I want my life back. I want to be active and happy.

I don’t go out anymore. I sit at home all the time. I don’t even go for walks anymore. I can’t walk too long I carry too much weight with me. I am huffing and puffing after just a couple of minutes.
That’s why I am here.

This will be hard and it will take a long time. Maybe it will take 1 year or 5 years, but I am here to lose the weight. I will whine and cry, I will curse and I will fall off the wagon...but this is it. I am in it to win it.

It looks like I might need all the help I can get. I would appreciate any friend request. I will be a good friend for a very long time.

Thank you all for reading. Sorry for the novel.

Replies

  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,182 Member
    edited May 2016
    I want to call you "sister". The 272 is the number I had in January. The moment of resolve is the moment I had in January. You are among people who do understand and can help. This is a journey, a process, a project. It is not a diet. Rather it is the you that shall be for the rest of your life. I congratulate you. Honesty is the highest virtue in this life. Honestly and accurately measure and record the food you eat. You'll need to purchase a kitchen scale, but those are cheap. Use the settings to open your food diary to "public". You are going to get good help. Welcome it. Another thing about the settings: You probably set it to lose 2 lb per week. That's too dramatic for starting. You probably think you have the resolve to happily eat 1200 calories per day and lose all the excess weight in 'as long as it takes', but you really want it gone by June. You don't. Believe me, you don't. Please set your weight loss goal to 1 or .5 lb per week. Plan your meals to get lots of vegetables and protein. You'll eat more vegetables and chicken than you ever have in your life. The food diary tracks several macro nutrients. Learn so much about food that you are able to meet each of those numbers, or be within 2% of them and keep the numbers single-digit green at the end of the day. After a month, you'll have gained comfort at your new level of eating and recording your eats and then you can increase your goal to lose faster and then you can adjust your eating to accommodate your new calorie limits. You got this.
  • SuperSlayer81
    SuperSlayer81 Posts: 19 Member
    Great post and fabulous attitude! I think u definately got this and the above poster has really said it all! Good luck with all your goals :)
  • KetoneKaren
    KetoneKaren Posts: 6,411 Member
    edited May 2016
    I don't know where you live. We have the most amazing Goodwill stores where I live. People donate gorgeous clothes, even designer clothes, with tags still on. So my soulmate decided that she would no longer have clothes in her closet that don't fit. She threw away, donated, etc. everything that didn't fit. As she lost weight she would go get a whole new wardrobe. When she was out of that size, she redonated the clothes and got another wardrobe! It changed the way I think about the clothes I love. I realized I don't actually love them if they don't fit right. I feel really bad in clothes that are too tight.

    Thanks for your post.

    I lost almost 100 lbs 4 years ago and gained it all back. I am back on track now, just started a couple of weeks ago. You are an inspiration, it is hard to break that pattern but you can do it!
  • DearestWinter
    DearestWinter Posts: 595 Member
    edited May 2016
    Congratulations on taking this step! I definitely agree that being honest with yourself is very important. Weigh everything before it goes in your mouth and log accurately. This is a long term commitment so plan on sticking with all of the changes you're making for the rest of your life. Each day is a new day. Don't beat yourself up if one day you do poorly. You can pick yourself up and keep moving in the right direction. I wish you the best!

    I've only got 10 lbs left to lose but welcome all friends, so feel free to add me if you like.
  • TheHappyLoser
    TheHappyLoser Posts: 95 Member
    "Sister," I like that :-)

    I haven't really set a goal on how much I want to lose in a week, I just want to lose the weight slowly and steady. I love food and I love to eat, now I just have to cook healthy meals and smaller portions. I need to get moving again.

    Eating right, that's something I have to relearn. I love to cook, so that should not be a big deal. Kale...here I come :-)

    Thank you ALL for your kind and encouraging words.

    I have already ONE friend, so I know I am not alone. Thanks guys Let's rock together.

  • JennieMaeK
    JennieMaeK Posts: 470 Member
    It may be a long process. It's taken me since January last year to lose 75 lbs, I still have about 18 lbs to reach my goal weight (I started at 238.6 lbs). It can be done. Being honest with yourself is important. Feel free to add me as friend if you like.
  • birgitkwood
    birgitkwood Posts: 486 Member
    I loved your novel! Thanks for writing and being so articulate. I can so utterly relate to all you said, as many of us here can. We're here to walk this journey with you, one step at a time.

    Speaking of steps, pls consider getting a stepcounter (I wear a Fitbit). I find it incredibly motivating to see my total number of steps go up every day. I started my journey a little over a month ago, with more than 100 lbs to lose, and two feet that hurt pretty much always. I could barely walk up a flight of stairs. But I decided to take the loooong way every time I needed to use the restroom. Or, in order to throw something in the trash I'd walk several circuits around the office (I no longer keep a trash or recycling can at my desk) . I started to park at the far end of the lot at the supermarket, and I walk up and down every single aisle whether I need stuff there or not. In other words, small changes - but I'd add a few more steps every day. In only a month I built up enough stamina to reach 10k steps almost daily. It's fun for me to challenge myself a little more each day. Try it!

    No excuse for gaining weight? You're right - there is no excuse... because we don't need one! It's not about excuses, it's about explanations. Life happens, and we react. Some of us (probably most of us who use this app) react by eating. That doesn't make us bad people, and we have no reason to be ashamed. We just need to learn how to react in a more helpful and less self destructive way. You've taken a GREAT set of first steps, and we're gonna be right there with you by your side. You've got this!
  • Jido102
    Jido102 Posts: 6 Member
    Try to keep the positive actions rolling and they'll eventually build enough momentum to carry you through the bad times.

    I'm diagnosed with bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and dependent personality disorder. I was right there where you've been, basically rotting away. In my case, it was self-pity most of the time. I weighed in just over 250lbs. and was averaging blood pressure around 170/110 the last few times I went in to see the doctor. A person just waiting for diabetes to strike so that I'd finally have a real excuse to finally pull the trigger.

    I don't think that it was just one thing that eventually triggered that it was time for a change with me, but I started dieting here, just counting my calories and keeping my daily intake under 2000. Doesn't sound very difficult, but I've cheated more than a few times and almost went a full month without losing any weight at one point.

    I started losing weight pretty quickly and started feeling better because of it. After a few pounds, I started taking two to four power walks each day. Just walking my dog around a few blocks at a quick pace each time. That was enough to start losing even more weight and feeling better because of it again. I added push ups and bicycle kicks to the mix.

    Feeling more and more positive with the passing of almost each day, I eventually decided that I wanted to start working on and improving my mental and spiritual health. In my case, these newer areas are *far* tougher than the physical ones, but every day now, I try to perform multiple positive actions for all of these areas and they've been enough to keep me going through the bad times.

    Try reaching out to your older friends. Your true friends will be quick to support you, no matter how long you've neglected those friendships.
  • termaineross
    termaineross Posts: 15 Member
    Thanks for sharing. This is a long journey but we all have each other's back. Stay motivated on journey. Thanks again for sharing.
  • TheHappyLoser
    TheHappyLoser Posts: 95 Member
    All of you sound so motivated and so enthusiastic. I just informed my husband about the changes that are going to happen in our life and most of all in our kitchen and he looked happy. He has a few pounds to lose as well and we both want to be healthier.