Is my boyfriend being supportive, or just controlling of my diet? Healthy, or no?
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mskessler89 wrote: ».
Also, he sounds like he might be orthorexic. Not eating, sorting foods into "good" and "bad" because of fairly arbitrary reasons -
I've never heard this term before but I also thought the way they eat was unusual.
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To throw a tantrum because you do not follow his advice is controlling. No doubt.3
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I think by asking strangers on the internet, you already know the answer. He's being controlling, rude, and behaving like a child.
Being supportive would be helping you find ways to increase or stretch your budget, or explaining to you why he feels like preservatives are so bad for your health, and what his alternative choices would be. Not being an ***hole to his girlfriend in public, and shaming you for your decisions.
I would urge you to think about ways to financially detangle yourself from his life. Build up the resources to walk away from him if you need too. This sounds like a person I would not want to be dependent on.
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I guess it's just really weird of me to think about him as being controlling, since it's only this one thing. I had a boyfriend before this who tried to control how much makeup I wore, what clothing i wore, how I spent my money, how often I saw my mom, etc. So a guy being a stuck-up snob over my food choices seems like the least of my worries in comparison. Not to say it's not a problem, but I guess this is why I overlooked it for almost 3 years.0
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I guess I feel even more terrible because I'm a 23-year-old woman who has no idea how to cook. I'm afraid to try because him and his mom are both really good cooks and I think they will tear whatever I make apart for not tasting right at first. I'm afraid to even begin learning.0
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mskessler89 wrote: ».
Also, he sounds like he might be orthorexic. Not eating, sorting foods into "good" and "bad" because of fairly arbitrary reasons -
I've never heard this term before but I also thought the way they eat was unusual.
I ran into a girl on here once who pretty much only consumed organic cereal, organic fruits and vegetables, organic wine, and water. She had somehow convinced herself that everything else was bad for her, and she was eating less than 900 calories a day because she'd get anxiety about having too much of the same food in one day. It can be a very damaging eating disorder.0 -
TannedTiger wrote: »let me know when you break up with him, I'd love to be his partner.
You just don't know how to appreciate someone who cares about you.
If he really cared that much he would say "Babe I know your budget is tight and I really want to see you eat healthier. Here is some money let me help you out or let's figure out a way we can get some healthier affordable foods"
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mochicakes92 wrote: »I guess I feel even more terrible because I'm a 23-year-old woman who has no idea how to cook. I'm afraid to try because him and his mom are both really good cooks and I think they will tear whatever I make apart for not tasting right at first. I'm afraid to even begin learning.
If you're that scared, that's not a healthy relationship (with either of them!) - you wouldn't be comfortable asking him or his mom to teach you how?2 -
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mochicakes92 wrote: »I guess I feel even more terrible because I'm a 23-year-old woman who has no idea how to cook. I'm afraid to try because him and his mom are both really good cooks and I think they will tear whatever I make apart for not tasting right at first. I'm afraid to even begin learning.
My best advice for this dilemma is to cook for yourself. Not in a "no one else can eat this" kind of way but in a "I don't care if you don't like it or you think I did it wrong, this is tasty, and I made it so I am going to enjoy it" kind of way. Cooking is very enjoyable for me and I am completely self taught. Of course, my boyfriend will eat anything that even seems remotely edible, but he enjoys the food I cook because I cook it. The only way you are going to learn is by trying and trust me you will make things that are just plain gross or don't work out for whatever reason and that is okay. It is a learning experience, and you will continue learning for the rest of your life.3 -
mochicakes92 wrote: »I guess I feel even more terrible because I'm a 23-year-old woman who has no idea how to cook. I'm afraid to try because him and his mom are both really good cooks and I think they will tear whatever I make apart for not tasting right at first. I'm afraid to even begin learning.
Per your previous comments, he pretty much only eats 2 bowls of cereal a day and she doesn't eat most of the time, that makes me doubt their cooking abilities and if they "tear you apart" for learning how to cook and fumble on the way tell them they can grab a big spoon and eat your @55.
Watch a lot of cooking shows and check out food/cooking blogs, you'll learn a lot. Seriously, Food Network, Cooking Channel, etc. are great resources.6 -
mochicakes92 wrote: »I guess I feel even more terrible because I'm a 23-year-old woman who has no idea how to cook. I'm afraid to try because him and his mom are both really good cooks and I think they will tear whatever I make apart for not tasting right at first. I'm afraid to even begin learning.
You should never feel ashamed for wanting to try something new! It's not unusual for someone your age to not know how to cook. My husband says I "don't cook" because his idea of cooking is some grand affair like a cooking class at Sur La Table. I tell you what, he's been eating 95% of meals made by me since 1997. Meat, starch, veggies. Only the fish tacos has he seriously not eaten.
Pinterest and YouTube and MFP are your friends.
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mochicakes92 wrote: »I guess I feel even more terrible because I'm a 23-year-old woman who has no idea how to cook. I'm afraid to try because him and his mom are both really good cooks and I think they will tear whatever I make apart for not tasting right at first. I'm afraid to even begin learning.
Sounds like this isn't a very supportive environment. I know it's hard, but try not to beat yourself up about not knowing how to cook. A lot of people aren't taught, and it's tricky to figure out where to start self-teaching. Here is a pdf cookbook that might help you out.
https://8b862ca0073972f0472b704e2c0c21d0480f50d3.googledrive.com/host/0Bxd6wdCBD_2tdUdtM0d4WTJmclU/good-and-cheap.pdf
It has some variety and probably has at least a few meals that you can try. I know how hard it can be when you feel like you're stuck living with someone like that. I know you feel like it's not a big deal because you've dealt with worse, but try to be kind to yourself when you can. Do what you think is best to take care of yourself. Good luck friend!2 -
That is control and manipulation. I've been in your shoes. Run before it gets to be 12 years later... You deserve better and you know that. You are just seeking the validation from others he isn't giving you by seeking others opinion on this. Ive been homeless and I have lived with someone for the convenience and wished I remained homeless lol. But I cant call the kettle black after 12 years of *kitten*. Those are his insecurities he is pushing on you. You just need to find someone that makes you see that you ARE worth more and likes all the little things about you too that maybe your boyfriend will never ever appreciate. I did. Hope you find happiness.
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I'm so sorry that you have been treated poorly by someone you care for. I'm a Family Life Educator (my degree blends both psychology and social work) and I cannot help but feel that your boyfriend's comments harbor on being emotionally abusive. He may not even realize this - or, he may, and just not care. Either way, no one deserves to be spoken to in such a manner. The link I've posted at the bottom tells a little more about emotional abuse. If your boyfriend matches any of the following, I'd suggest calling a friend and finding a new living situation as soon as possible. Remember, you are special and are worth being treated with love and respect!
http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotional-abuse-definitions-signs-symptoms-examples/3 -
You are using him and his resources. He feels entitled to control you and it will continue as long as you let it.
I vote with GTFO. I wouldn't want to hear the end of your story on a True Crime drama. Those *kitten* are out there and they suck you in by pretending to want to "help". Belittling you in public is a sign it's not about you, it's his ego he's helping.0 -
mochicakes92 wrote: »_incogNEATo_ wrote: »jacqlynn_pvlr wrote: »Long story short, I need to break up with my boyfriend.
FIFY
That would make me homeless for at least a little bit, but sure I'll get right on that. I just can't tell if this is a battle worth fighting, or if his concerns are legitimate. I have major body and self esteem issues, so it's hard for me to tell if I am just being a fatass who eats *kitten* and he is trying to help me, or if he is being a control freak.
Get a new place to live and break up with your boyfriend. He sounds like a douchenozzle.1 -
I've suggested couple's therapy and he just scoffs at it and says "Okayyy.... Do we really need that?" I think the suggestion of this orthorexia disorder may actually be spot on. I had never heard of it before, but I am reading up on it and it makes sense. So if he does have a disorder I would feel terribly bad for abandoning him for it, since I suffer from several anxiety disorders that has never once left me over. Should I try to push him into getting help?0
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Mavrick_RN wrote: »You are using him and his resources. He feels entitled to control you and it will continue as long as you let it.
I vote with GTFO. I wouldn't want to hear the end of your story on a True Crime drama. Those *kitten* are out there and they suck you in by pretending to want to "help". Belittling you in public is a sign it's not about you, it's his ego he's helping.
I agree, I know this comes off harsh a little but the truth sucks and you allow this just as I have in my own life. Only we can control this. In my case I felt I needed and relied on him and I clearly did not. In any way... Public humiliation sucks and he does it to knock you down and make you feel even shittier about yourself and then you are easier to control.1 -
He sounds like a bit of a plonker to be honest . He should ask you do you want his advice not shove his opnion down your throat and act childish .1
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mochicakes92 wrote: »Long story short, I am very broke and have a tight food budget every month. I can't take my boyfriend grocery shopping with me because he is a snob about everything that is within my budget range, and he doesn't seem to understand that I have a tight budget range. I'll pick up a generic brand thing for my lunch the next week that doesn't have a lot of calories, sugar, sodium, etc, but he will look at the brand and say "This is *kitten*, WHY do you want to eat this?" in front of everyone at the store. I say "Well I mean not really, look at the ingredients and the nutrition" and he says "But it has this ingredient in that I can't pronounce so you shouldn't eat it." Like, literally. If I disregard him and buy it anyways he gets SO mad that he throws a tantrum and says "WHATEVER, I am just trying to help you!" I don't see it as being helpful anymore. Like sure, I want to lose weight, but he refuses to even acknowledge that I have lost weight plenty of times and know what I am doing. He also refuses to exercise or go to the gym with me, but puts me down for eating a food that may have *GASP* a preservative in it. I seriously need help. I can't tell if he is being supportive or if he is just being controlling.
I'm sure that some of you guys are really into healthy eating, but do you go to the extent of trying to control what the people in your life eat? Do you spend a lot of time worrying? Is it normal?
I really believe, that you need to set some boundaries and you need to remember, that people doesn't take advantage of your kindness, they take advantage when you don't put your limits.
So you really need to tell your boyfriend what are your food limits and if he can't respect that, then you deserve another person that is respectful to you.2 -
mochicakes92 wrote: »I've suggested couple's therapy and he just scoffs at it and says "Okayyy.... Do we really need that?" I think the suggestion of this orthorexia disorder may actually be spot on. I had never heard of it before, but I am reading up on it and it makes sense. So if he does have a disorder I would feel terribly bad for abandoning him for it, since I suffer from several anxiety disorders that has never once left me over. Should I try to push him into getting help?
Orthorexia has NOTHING to do with his abusive tendencies. My ex is OCD, bipolar, has the worst possible adjustment disorder and is on steroids to boot-- trust me. you cant help him. and I am a medical professional with my bachelors in psych on top of being a PA. That is an excuse. You will have enough one day but be careful... things can change overnight from bad to really really bad
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He sounds like a little *kitten*. Why are women attracted to guys like these? Blows my mind...2
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Mavrick_RN wrote: »You are using him and his resources. He feels entitled to control you and it will continue as long as you let it.
I vote with GTFO. I wouldn't want to hear the end of your story on a True Crime drama. Those *kitten* are out there and they suck you in by pretending to want to "help". Belittling you in public is a sign it's not about you, it's his ego he's helping.
The truth hurts, but I think this is correct. I am poor and in school, so I do rely on him pretty heavily right now. He does drive me to and from class, so that is a huge help and something that he really doesn't have to do. But the thing is that he throws it in my face anytime I bring up an issue in our relationship. Like "Oh, I think you are trying to control me too tightly when it comes to what I eat" and he responds with "Well what more do you want from me, I do EVERYTHING for you!" Like exact words, every time. It's very frustrating. I think maybe it's an unhealthy codependency.1 -
mochicakes92 wrote: »I've suggested couple's therapy and he just scoffs at it and says "Okayyy.... Do we really need that?" I think the suggestion of this orthorexia disorder may actually be spot on. I had never heard of it before, but I am reading up on it and it makes sense. So if he does have a disorder I would feel terribly bad for abandoning him for it, since I suffer from several anxiety disorders that has never once left me over. Should I try to push him into getting help?
My initial gut feeling on this is "two wrongs don't make a right." You having anxiety and him potentially having an eating disorder (vs. just being a douche...which is very possible, and the eating disorder doesn't excuse the bad behavior) may or may not be compatible, depending on how good your communication is. By this thread, I get the impression it's not as good as it should be. I would honestly say only try to get him to get help if you have a solid exit plan in place. It could just make everything a lot worse if he isn't responsive to your suggestion, and the controlling behavior he's exhibiting in one area might start extending to others.2 -
The truth hurts, but I think this is correct. I am poor and in school, so I do rely on him pretty heavily right now. He does drive me to and from class, so that is a huge help and something that he really doesn't have to do. But the thing is that he throws it in my face anytime I bring up an issue in our relationship. Like "Oh, I think you are trying to control me too tightly when it comes to what I eat" and he responds with "Well what more do you want from me, I do EVERYTHING for you!" Like exact words, every time. It's very frustrating. I think maybe it's an unhealthy codependency.
Yep, sounds like he enjoys having direct control over your life. A favor isn't really a favor if he just throws it back in your face.
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mochicakes92 wrote: »I've suggested couple's therapy and he just scoffs at it and says "Okayyy.... Do we really need that?" I think the suggestion of this orthorexia disorder may actually be spot on. I had never heard of it before, but I am reading up on it and it makes sense. So if he does have a disorder I would feel terribly bad for abandoning him for it, since I suffer from several anxiety disorders that has never once left me over. Should I try to push him into getting help?
I would maybe bring it up if you want, but really the desire to change comes from within and you can't force that on anyone. Usually when trying to get people to seek help, or to help you get the help you need, using clinical terms can cause them to become defensive. If you want, you can try focusing on the specific symptoms that he exhibits and why you think that's not normal or healthy. Try to avoid using the actual word "orthorexia" or anything with "disorder" if you can.0 -
mochicakes92 wrote: »Mavrick_RN wrote: »You are using him and his resources. He feels entitled to control you and it will continue as long as you let it.
I vote with GTFO. I wouldn't want to hear the end of your story on a True Crime drama. Those *kitten* are out there and they suck you in by pretending to want to "help". Belittling you in public is a sign it's not about you, it's his ego he's helping.
The truth hurts, but I think this is correct. I am poor and in school, so I do rely on him pretty heavily right now. He does drive me to and from class, so that is a huge help and something that he really doesn't have to do. But the thing is that he throws it in my face anytime I bring up an issue in our relationship. Like "Oh, I think you are trying to control me too tightly when it comes to what I eat" and he responds with "Well what more do you want from me, I do EVERYTHING for you!" Like exact words, every time. It's very frustrating. I think maybe it's an unhealthy codependency.
You might be with my ex LMAO. Seriously though. TRUST ME> GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. you have no idea how bad it can get. I do. and you never want to be put in that situation. Please. Do yourself a favor and find someone that makes you feel special that is all it will take. Don't let him make you feel accountable for him.5 -
Ashley___916 wrote: »mochicakes92 wrote: »I've suggested couple's therapy and he just scoffs at it and says "Okayyy.... Do we really need that?" I think the suggestion of this orthorexia disorder may actually be spot on. I had never heard of it before, but I am reading up on it and it makes sense. So if he does have a disorder I would feel terribly bad for abandoning him for it, since I suffer from several anxiety disorders that has never once left me over. Should I try to push him into getting help?
Orthorexia has NOTHING to do with his abusive tendencies. My ex is OCD, bipolar, has the worst possible adjustment disorder and is on steroids to boot-- trust me. you cant help him. and I am a medical professional with my bachelors in psych on top of being a PA. That is an excuse. You will have enough one day but be careful... things can change overnight from bad to really really bad
Broscience lol0 -
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