How Making Real Changes Led to My 87 Pound Loss

In March 2015, when I began MFP, I weighed 270 lbs. I am 5' 5.5" tall. I was 50 years old. I was the fattest I’d ever been but I did not think that I was ugly or gross or hideous. I mostly thought I was the Cat’s Meow. I took photos of myself all the time and fiddled with them and posted them on Facebook and on my website. I used them as PR for my readings and publications. I just could not, (cannot!), get enough of looking at my face. I find myself Fetching. Cute. Snappy. Stylish. Too Cool for School. I love myself. Of course I have all sorts of weaknesses and great big patches of ugly inside me and I haven’t quite trained myself to not give into road rage, but on the whole I’m pretty fantastic and I love my life and I love being me.

But I didn’t always feel this way. Actually, I felt the exact opposite. I felt ugly, fat, gross. I didn’t want to look at myself. I certainly didn’t want anybody to look at me. I wanted to hide. I punished myself. I wore the same ratty clothes all the time because my hideous monstrous body didn’t deserve nice clothes. And I was stewing inside with all the hurt and anger and pain and disappointment from my childhood.

In 1991 I ended up in the hospital for treatment for major depression. When I got out I did NOTHING. I stopped the medication and I didn’t even start the counseling. Then, 3 years later (to the week), I went into the hospital again. While I was in treatment, I had a realization--I had to make a REAL CHANGE, I had to take my meds and stick to the counseling. And I did. It took years of HARD work before I felt better, before I learned to accept and love myself as I was (as I am), but if I hadn’t made the realization that I had to take the meds and stick with the counseling, I wouldn’t have gotten ANY better. I came out the on other side of all that darkness a different person—happier, stronger. I became confident and proud and resilient. I looked in all the mirrors and smiled. But I was still fat. Happy and Fat.

Just as I realized after my second hospitalization that I had to take my meds and stick with the counseling, I knew when I started My Fitness Pal that THIS time was forever. Forever and ever and ever. This time I would make REAL LASTING CHANGES. It wasn’t a “diet” that would be over in six months so I could get back to normal. I knew I could never go back. Only forward. I also knew that, like or not, I would have to log my food forever. Forever and FOREVER.

I knew from long experience as a dieter, that deprivation had not and would never work for me. I had been a vegetarian and a vegan. I had tried low-carb, low-fat, grapefruit, fasting, high-protein, and that awful thing where you drink apple cider vinegar and honey in the morning. You name it, I’ve probably done it, even when I knew it was stupid or dangerous. Over all the years of food obsession and dieting, of course I’d read about food and nutrition, a LOT. So I knew a lot about counting calories when I started MFP. I was under no illusions as to how much I actually ate--I could easily eat 2,500 calories at dinner with friends over wine and Italian food. I also knew that I would play games if I didn’t stop myself. I would play the all games-- “Move the Scale to the Right and Try Again.” “Just Pick the LARGEST Piece and Pretend it was a Small Piece.” “MFP Says It’s 300 calories, 700 calories, or 850 calories and I’m TOTALLY Logging 300!” “Oh, Hell! I’ve Already Gone Over by 100 calories so I’ll Just Chalk This Day Up As a CHEAT Day and go out for PIZZA.” “No Need to Log This Little Spoonful of Rocky Road.” “Sure, I’m Eating While I Cook but It Doesn’t COUNT!” “Oh, it was only HALF a Donut I won't even log it!” “I’m on VACATION! Who Sticks to a FOOD PLAN on VACATION?!?” Yes, I had played all those games for years. But this time I told myself NO. I refused to play games and I refused to be miserable. I also promised myself not to talk all the time about my food plan or my efforts to lose, unless someone asked me.

So I set my weight loss goal at 1 lb a week, “sedentary” because boy was I sedentary! Since I was so obese, I got about 1,800 calories. I figured it would take a LONG time to lose the weight and I was in no hurry. It had taken all my life to get to the point where I was willing to be reasonable and kind to myself. I promised myself that no food was off limits. No “bad” foods and no “good” foods. No “shoulds.” Just food. I ate whatever I wanted. I didn't deprive myself of anything, I just learned that I couldn’t eat ALL I wanted ALL of the time. I lost 2 lbs a week at first, then about 1 lb a week. I have eaten every calorie (often more) and I’ve eaten back all my exercise calories. I’ve lost 87 lbs. And yes, I know that I’ve been lucky. I know that what I’ve done may not work for you. But maybe it will. Maybe YOU can be lucky too.

Now I hope to lose a bit more, maybe ten pounds, but if I don’t lose more I’m fine with where I am. Slowly, slowly I’m learning to trust myself. I trust that my body will not betray me because I will not betray myself. I won’t make excuses or try to fool myself into believing things that aren’t true. I won’t try to second guess myself or try to wiggle my way around the facts—There is really only ONE way to lose weight. You have to burn more calories than you eat. There is really only ONE way to maintain weight—you’ve got to eat the calories that MFP gives you and just stick with it. All I have to do now is keep on keeping on.

It’s scary to enter maintenance. I have all the fears that anybody else would have. But I also have all my success and as far as I can tell, I have a pretty normal body after all!, a body that likes what I’m feeding it and especially likes it when we dance or swim or just go for a little walk together. And guess what? I get over 2,000 calories for maintenance! And believe me I've checked to see what this would be if I weighed 170, or 150. I would still get around 2,000 calories (check your TDEE) because I move a lot now and I intend to keep on moving. I always thought that I'd get to maintenance and would have to eat 1,500 calories for the rest of my life. But it turns out that I don't.

Over the last week, I’ve read posts from other women who seem so unhappy and are having such difficulty losing weight. I feel for them. I’ve been there. But all too often I hear the same thing over and over—“I’m eating 1,200 calories, I’m working out 5 days a week, I never cheat, I don’t eat back my exercise calories, I’m 5’8 and weigh 250 lbs, I’m going crazy somebody help me!” “I’ll be good all day and then I’ll lose control at night and eat everything in sight.” “I don’t understand it. I log all my food. I measure everything. I walk an hour every day but I’ve only lost four pounds this month.” “I’ve cut out carbs, sugar, fat, and I drink a gallon of water every day what am I doing wrong?” “I know MFP wants me to eat 1,600 calories a day but I think that’s too much so I’ve cut myself back to 1,200.” “My husband lost 15 lbs this month and I only lost 2. Help!” “Please Help! I Need to get into my wedding dress in two months!” “Hello. I’m Back again. I’m only allowing myself 1,200 calories this time. Last time I ate 1,650 and lost a pound a week, but this time I want to lose Fast! And this time I will be successful!”

I read these posts and I wish I could just say STOP IT to every woman who feels she must deprive herself to lose weight. She doesn't. I wish I could reassure every woman was believes she must punish her body, who still believes, like I once did, that she’s ugly and gross and doesn’t deserve a new pair of jeans because they would be a size 26! Or 16! Or 48! Or 20! Or 14! A woman who stands in the midnight kitchen stuffing cookies into her mouth, cookies she doesn’t even LIKE, because she slipped up and was “bad” and had a donut in the morning. A woman who can’t stop thinking about the scale from yesterday (the scale that had moved up 3 pounds!)--she’s sitting in her car right now with a bag of Fritos and a package of Ding Dongs crying because she can’t stop herself. A woman who feels trapped inside a space where there’s nothing but all the good food she can’t allow herself to eat because it’s “fattening” or “bad” and all the awful food she does allow herself because it’s “diet” or “low-cal” or tastes so bad it really must be good for her and she eats it even though she hates it.

I wish that everyone could just skip over all the pain and obsession, all the years agonizing over food and my ugly hideous body that I went through. I wish I could somehow give you enough peace to trust yourself, to trust the proven formula of My Fitness Pal, to believe that for most of us it doesn’t have to be so hard.

Most of us can just eat, if we will let ourselves. We can let go and get on with our lives. There is more to life than our mouths, more than a carefully weighed cup of carrots, more than punishing ourselves because we have a little slip, or a big slip. We all deserve to eat food we like, to laugh over dinner with friends. We deserve to love ourselves and to just LIVE.

`rebecca

p.s. I gave away all my too-tight, too-small clothes and bought things that actually fit me and were flattering. Then I lost weight and needed a new wardrobe!